Long-Distance Relationship Tips

[DramaQueen]

Hello All! Hoping you can help me out here, anyone who has been in an LDR or has any kind of advice for me it would be much appreciated.

I've been with DBF now for 4 years, we started dating when we were 17. He's just been accepted to chiropractic school in New Zealand. They've accepted him for THIS FEBRUARY! As in THREE MONTHS from now!!

We live in Toronto. Now we've discussed it, and we both know it's going to be really hard, but we're going to do the long distance thing. My best friend was in an LDR for a couple of years when her BF lived in England, so I have some first-hand help. But I just found out a couple of days ago and I'm having a really tough time with it.

So if anyone has any words of advice/wisdom I would GREATLY appreciate it.

 

[prncess674]

Well you have been together for 4 years without a proposal and now he is moving thousands of miles away for an extended period of time. He also hasn't offered you the opportunity for you to move with him. It isn't like he is moving for a job that will include several home return tickets. Trips from North America to NZ are easily in the $1600 USD range, so you will be lucky to see each other once a year. It sounds like he is trying to let you down easily and you will eventually receive the "Dear Jane" letter.

 

[DramaQueen]

Well you have been together for 4 years without a proposal and now he is moving thousands of miles away for an extended period of time. He also hasn't offered you the opportunity for you to move with him. It isn't like he is moving for a job that will include several home return tickets. Trips from North America to NZ are easily in the $1600 USD range, so you will be lucky to see each other once a year. It sounds like he is trying to let you down easily and you will eventually receive the "Dear Jane" letter.

Woah...what are you basing all of those assumptions on???

We both know I can't go with him. I'm still in university and I can't afford to just pick up and leave like that. I'm also only 21 years old, as is he, and we're both students so I'm not going to except an expensive engagement ring at this point in time.
We've discussed marriage but not until we're done with school and can afford it.

I'm simply asking for tips from people who have experience with LDRs...not people letting me know that I should expect to be dumped in the near future.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I was in a long distance relationship with my current wife for just over 1 year. Long distance being about 400 miles. This isn't long distance. This is the other side of the globe. Good luck, but I really don't see any way that it works out.

 

[ziggystardust]

I don't really have long distance relationship advice, as I have never been in one. but I do know that this will probably be the hardest thing you'll have to deal with for a long time. Besides NZ being on the other side of the globe, its also on a totally totally different time zone (obviously). I went there on vacation with a friend who had a DBF at home, it was incredibly hard for her to even find time to talk to him b/c of the time difference. Those good night phone calls that are so nice to have, might be good night for him, but good morning - i have to get out the door to get to work for you.

How long is this school commitment for?

 

[prncess674]

INZ being on the other side of the globe, its also on a totally totally different time zone (obviously). I went there on vacation with a friend who had a DBF at home, it was incredibly hard for her to even find time to talk to him b/c of the time difference. Those good night phone calls that are so nice to have, might be good night for him, but good morning - i have to get out the door to get to work for you.

Even transcontinental can be hard. I was in an LDR where I worked in San Francisco and he was in Charlotte, NC. The time change wasn't even that significant. We were both working as consultants and I wasn't leaving work till 7PM Pacific which was 10PM Eastern which made even evening phone calls a challenge. Luckily since we both worked in consulting and had good paying jobs we were able to fly to each other frequently and we became master of checking all the airline and travel websites for cheap fares.

 

[momtotreasure]

Don't have much advice, but skype should help some - at least you could "see" each other quite often. Good luck!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Skype is the way you communicate and facebook is how you catch up with each other. Basically you are entering into a cyber relationship and while I want to say that things will be OK, if you guys don't have the money to visit each other it gets to be almost impossible to maintain.

Now my dd hung onto her BF for a little over 2yrs but the visits stopped and then the jealousy set in and I told dd better to let him go mutually on good terms, so you can get back together if things are still cool once you graduate college.

She is no longer depressed and lonely and while the BF is begging her to be his GF once again he won't come up to visit. They still talk but she is "free" in a sense.

 

[Daisy&Max]

I'm in a long distance relationship right now and we use all the technology we can. We text, IM, video chat, email, and phone calls. It is hard, but you can do it with a lot of work and a lot of dialogue. We've had miscommunications a few times and we realized we were communicating but not really "talking". We still have one more year before we can be in the same state, so we've got a while to go too.

Good luck to you and bf!

daisy

 

[cglaura]

I don't have LDR advice, but more "life" advice. I know that meeting at 17 and still being together and all...but, and just asking, have you guys dated other people? I mean, as romantic as it is to stay with your highschool sweetie, odds are you won't. And I'm not saying it can't happen, and if it does for you fantastic! I'm just saying, this time apart might be good to see if you really are meant to be together forever. I'm not talking going out and hooking up with every random person you meet, just a dinner date here or there. You'll know soon enough, yep, he's the guy I want to be with. I guess it is just the old fogey in me....you guys seem so young! (I meant this as constructive advice...I hope you understand that, even though I probably didn't word it so well....)

But as far as keeping in touch with anyone long distance, Skype is great!

 

[PixieDustandEeyore]

Skype and lots of phone calls. I've been with my fiance (well he was my boyfriend but you know what i mean) for 4 years and we are still LD but we spend around 6 months together a year, he is in California and I'm in Ottawa and we just make time to talk on the phone a minimum of an hour a day. Each week we make a date night we both pick a tv show or movie and watch it together over the phone, sometimes we even have the same meal to make it a full date (people laugh at this but it makes us feel close). Also important is visits it keeps you sane.

 

[mickeyboat]

DH and I were in a LDR for several years before we were married. We were very young, too, but for most of it we were engaged. It was also 20 years ago, before email, skype, texting, etc. It was REALLY hard. We spent a fortune on our long-distance phone bills. We wrote lots of letters.

Good luck!

 

[Hillbeans]

DH works in China and "commutes" back and forth to the US. We use Skype but since it's a 12 hour difference it's not always easy to find a time that works to talk. It is not an ideal situation, but we are married and have children and we are committed to each other.

I don't think anyone was trying to upset you but that seems so very far away to move for school- does DBF have family there?

 

[prncess674]

I don't think anyone was trying to upset you but that seems so very far away to move for school-

Agree. Why does he have to move 5,000 miles away for chiro school. Is he going to the Harvard of the South Pacific? Why would he even apply to such a school knowing he was in a relationship?

 

[RachaelA]

DH and I have done long distance twice.

First right after we started dating I went to college in Boston and he was back home in Ohio. We talked all the time on the phone and tried to fly and see each other once every 6 weeks or so if flights were cheap. But we were only 1000 miles apart.

The 2nd time we did long distance it was international. I lived in London for a summer in college while DH and I were dating. I got an international cell phone (allowed me to call his cell and it only cost me anything), but we mainly relied on Skype. For maybe $10, I got a US number for 3 months that when anyone called it it rang on my computer. That way my parents, friends, and DH could call me from their cell, house, etc without it costing anything. That way they didn't have to be by their computer to talk to me. DH and I also video chatted on Skype most nights.

We made it work, but I never would have gone and moved to another country for years while dating DH. I have a friend that met her boyfriend when she was studying abroad in Wales. They dated long distance for a year and he just moved to be with her in the US.

Is your BF planning on staying in New Zealand after he graduates? If so, would you move there? What if he plans on staying and you don't plan on moving?

 

[shortbun]

I agree that it would be interesting to know why he's going to New Zealand instead of staying on this continent. Did you guys discuss his application there and agree that it was the best thing for him? In other words, are you currently making mutual decisions or is he making them all? Good luck with a long distance relationship. I once thought I loved a guy and our relationship didn't withstand a hour drive. As I look back 30 years ago, I know that I was immature and it was a good thing that we broke up. It's romantic to think you could keep things interesting from Toronto to New Zealand. I think the DISers who are advocating breakup are trying to make you think. If you are sure he's 'the one' and he agrees....go for it. Otherwise, leave a door open a crack for seeing someone else.

 

[ahutton]

Is your BF planning on staying in New Zealand after he graduates? If so, would you move there? What if he plans on staying and you don't plan on moving?

The things I think are important to discuss are the root of these items above. What is the long term plan? I know you love each other and it is hard to plan, but what are the expectations? Is he doing school and then moving "home" or will this be home and once you finish school you will move? Or is there someplace on the globe you both want to end up, together? If I couldn't reach a common goal in this area, I would never have the security I need in a relationship to feel like it was going to be a relationship.

Also, I think there would have to be some logistics conversations about visits, and frequency of them, summer plans, how often to you talk on the phone or skype, how will you keep the relationship moving forward towards your common goal?

If you can find a mutually agreeable solution to these questions, then I think it becomes a matter of tracking the days until your next call/chat/visit/finding your new home which if there is an end in sight, is very possible.

 

[Agri]

Speaking from personal experience, break up with him before he leaves. It will take so much pressure off your relationship if you part as friends. If this was the greatest love ever, would you really be okay with staying behind, or would you have found a way to finish school there yourself? Would he really want to go to NZ knowing you would choose to stay behind?

You are both putting yourself in a position where you are going to have unreasonable expectations for each other and one of you is going to end up being loyal to a fault to someone who is far less loyal to you.

He is going to be 17-18 hours ahead of you every day. How often will you be able to talk to each other in real time? If you have a crisis, its not likely you will be able to call him up right away and talk to him about it. You might have to wait days before he can get back to you with more than just a voicemail or email.

Of course, the reverse is also true for him. It is not like you are talking about a difference of a few hours, so you just have to stay up an hour later to spend time with him.

None of my long distance relationships have worked out. They were okay in the beginning, but if its long distance for longer than a year or so, the odds are against the relationship surviving.

I am not trying to be bleak and fatalistic, but the reality is that as time goes on, there will be more instances of both of you not being able to turn to the other for the things you normally do now. The automatic reaction of "I have to call x and tell them y" will change to "I have to call x...but x isn't available right now so I will call z". Then finally, it will turn to "I have to call z and tell them."

 

[SaraJayne]

I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling your thoughts of "I'm much too young to accept an engagement ring" (btw, I was married on my 22nd birthday lol) but you're willing to stay committed to a man that is literally moving to the other side of the globe.

I don't get it.

DH and I did the long-distance thing for one summer (right before we got married over 14 years ago). It sucked and I would never do it again.

I think it's time for you two to sit down and have a conversation about what you BOTH want.

 

[AmericangirlinFrance]

I'm doing the long distance thing now, but it's "only" 700 miles (as compared to 5,000!) - and in the same country at least!

I think the only reason ours works is because it's fairly early on in our relationship. I can already see now that as it's getting more serious, it's becoming much more difficult and we won't be able to sustain this forever. Communication is so important - it's so easy for things to get misconstrued in a phone call or an email. We have to be open with each other if something is bothering us.

That being said, we always have a visit scheduled so we have something to look forward to - a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. We see each other about once a month, although sometimes it's every 3 weeks, or every 5 weeks. We have to make it a priority, and if we weren't able or willing to find the time off and resources (plane tickets are expensive!), it wouldn't work.

We make time once or twice a week for a longer phone call, and talk during the week for a few shorter conversations. We text or email each other if we see something that is funny, or reminds us of the other, or gives us something to talk about. I get good use of my unlimited texting.

It is still REALLY HARD, and to be completely honest, it sucks. We miss each other like crazy. I don't think it's sustainable long-term.