Long-Distance Relationship Tips

[Sarah_Rose]

Dh and I did the long distance thing for 10 months, during the 3rd year of our relationship (before we were engaged). DH accepted a job in Seattle while I was in grad school in London, Ontario. DH grew up in Kitchener-Waterloo, so we knew that after I was done grad school, either I would move to Seattle or he would move back to Ontario (depending on the situation with our jobs). I was a student, but DH was making good money at his job so I flew to Seattle every 6 weeks.

We almost didn't make it.

It is just so tough to keep up the emotional connection when you're so far apart. And I found myself skipping social events with other grad students so that I could stay at home to talk to DH on Skype. It was stupid and we were both miserable, and I found myself resenting DH for my own social disengagement. I would be out with friends and find myself texting my DH instead of paying attention to what was going on around me. It was so awful. Meanwhile, my DH starting talking to an ex-girlfriend online, to make up for the lack of connection that we were feeling at the time.

I bit the bullet and took an internship in Seattle at the end of my program, so we could give it another summer to see if things got better. We were engaged 3 months later. Our relationship still worked, but it's just so hard to keep things going LD over a long period of time, even if you're both committed to the relationship. There's just only so much that can be done over the phone and emails... just being in each other's physical presence is a big part of a relationship.

DH's friend that he works with got into a LD relationship at the same time that DH moved to Seattle. They broke up and got back together a few times, before ultimately calling it quits after 2 years. I'm still friends with her on Facebook and she seems much happier, now.

My only advice above what others have already said is to take a step back from the relationship and just keep an open mind on the relationship. If you want to get back together at the end, fantastic. If you go your own seperate ways, do so as friends, if you possibly can.

 

[PixieDustandEeyore]

I know alot of people are wondering why your bf would go to school in New Zealand but here anyways people go to Australia or England for schooling all the time as often other countries have lower gpa's etc and are easier to get into.

Im not saying that means or doesn't mean anything just throwing that out there. I know alot of people I went to university with didnt get into teacher's college here so opted to go to Australia and some were engaged, some dating and some single for the record.

 

[Stephanie218]

I know alot of people are wondering why your bf would go to school in New Zealand but here anyways people go to Australia or England for schooling all the time as often other countries have lower gpa's etc and are easier to get into.

That's exactly what I was thinking too. I knew someone who went to vet school in the Caribbean because he couldn't get into any of the schools in the US. Ironically, he was also in a relationship, and tried to go LD - and that has since failed.

I've done plenty of LD relationships - MA to AZ in college, moved to AZ to be with him, and broke up. Totally not worth that one, and I should have seen that when things started falling apart LD. Then started dating a Marine, so we did the VA to AZ thing for a few months until he was stationed (thankfully) in CA. Honestly, we had decided that if after 6 months, we weren't ready to be engaged soon, we'd break it off. I knew there were going to be plenty of deployments ahead of us (we've done 2 in the past 2 years already) and there was no way I was dealing with that kind of situation and relationship as a girlfriend. I wanted commitment with that length of separation.

Granted, you'd have it easier than deployments since you can Skype and call eachother, but it still really sucks. I'd really advise you to think about whether you see yourselves together long term in the future, and consider if it's really worth it or not.

 

[NHdisneylover]

This is well beyond long distance. Time zones are hard to deal with (I live 8-10 hours off of family and DH travels to all corners of the world in a year). I agree with others that finding time to skype, etc can be VERY hard when the time zones are so out of whack.

If you are serious about being together during this time (my personal opinion wild be to part on good terms and agree to stay in touch but to each see other people and then when you can be together in person again see what you both feel--but that is not what you are looking for here so I will try to give some advice), here is what I would try:
*Set up a plan to communicate. Agree to make it a priority to find a time you can skype for 30 minutes or more at least 3 days a week. Set a deadline (2 weeks after arriving maybe, whatever you want but you need a time frame) for figuring out the schedule and setting up a time and then also agree to adjust it each semester as you both get new schedules.

*Use facebook and email to keep up a bit of day to day contact. Send short notes about whatever is going on. Don't keep score (only answering when he has sent one, counting how many you send vs. him, etc).

*Make visiting a priority and plan the trips as soon as possible--it helps to know when you can see each other again.

*Have a long term plan. What do you both want to do after graduation? Where do you both want to live? Etc. NOTE: if you both seriously want to stay together for the long haul I do think being engaged makes sense. If it IS that long term, why not? You do not need an expensive ring to be engaged. If the thought of plannign that long term and permanent is too much for your boyfriend--then this is probably not the time to limit yourself to a VERY long distance relationship ).

The things I think are important to discuss are the root of these items above. What is the long term plan? I know you love each other and it is hard to plan, but what are the expectations? Is he doing school and then moving "home" or will this be home and once you finish school you will move? Or is there someplace on the globe you both want to end up, together? If I couldn't reach a common goal in this area, I would never have the security I need in a relationship to feel like it was going to be a relationship.

Also, I think there would have to be some logistics conversations about visits, and frequency of them, summer plans, how often to you talk on the phone or skype, how will you keep the relationship moving forward towards your common goal?

If you can find a mutually agreeable solution to these questions, then I think it becomes a matter of tracking the days until your next call/chat/visit/finding your new home which if there is an end in sight, is very possible.

They won't even have the same summer! So you are looking at visits not only costing a fortune, but the visiting party travelling when out of school to visit with someone who will be in school all day.

 

[Family Fun Mom]

My husband and I have survived many long seperations. We met when were 17 and are still together, 16 years and three kids later. He is in the military so it's a part of life for us. I will tell you, it's far from easy. The first time he was gone we were 19. He left to join the Air Force and get his job training. It took nearly a year and we almost didn't make it. There was a point where it looked like we were headed down different paths and we broke up for a brief period. That was heartbreaking. We each needed to decide what we really wanted out of the relationship, and out of life. Not long after the break up he took leave to come home and win me back . We were married 3 months later. If we did not have plans of marriage and being together eventually it would have never worked. I couldn't have just hung in there in limbo for years, waiting. Neither could he. It's really just too hard.

Over the years he has had to go away for many other deployments. Some long, some short, some close, some very far. We are old pros now. The internet and phone calls make it much easier than in the old days when soldiers had only letters to keep in touch. We still write letters, though. And we send packages (if he's gone long). We try to reach out to each other in one form or another every day. The key to making it work is very simple. Commitment. You have to be utterly and totally commited to making your relationship work. That's hard to do with someone you aren't ready to commit your life to. Even for old pros like us, it is not easy. But it can be done. I wish you much luck. I hope it works out for you.

 

[*Meagan*]

Well my now husband and I did long distance for 3.5 yrs while I lived in CT and finished school and he lived in Utah. We met online and we hit it off. We decided to make the LDR work. No one thought it would and that feels like a sucker punch. All those people took that back when I moved here in Sept 2008 and when we got married in January 2010!

If you want it to work, it will work. It is going to be hard.. but looking back Im glad we did it. I don't know how we did. But we did. Do you plan on moving the NZ when you are done with school or is he going to move back when he is done??

I personally do not think 21 is too early to marry but I do like that you want to finish school first. That is what we did. We were 26/27 when we got married, I would have liked it to be a little sooner but I know we were definitely ready and we already have careers. So it worked out perfectly!

Good Luck!

 

[Rora]

OP: I'm going to be 100% honest-- an LDR is hard, hard work. A relationship where you see each other often is tough enough but an LDR is like a second, or third job.

That being said, it's not impossible.

DH and I were in an LDR for quite some time- 2 years we were about 4 1/2 hours apart and then over the summers/Christmas break he was on the West Coast when I was on the East Coast.

Time differences are the hardest to deal with. You wake up, he just went to bed. You're going to bed, he's about to eat dinner. It's tough. But again, it's not impossible.

Use everything you can to talk: phone, text, IM, Skype (love Skype!), email and set a schedule if you can. Especially with him being in another country it's important to have a loosely set time frame in which you'll talk. It just makes it easier on everyone invovled.

I'm not sure if you'd be able to travel to visit or vice versa but that always is a treat.

I don't want to be a naysayer, but the most important thing about this move is TRUST. If you two trust each other, a lot of the difficulties go away. DH and I were always together and always trusted each other. However, this didn't eliminated the jealousy. I'd get jealous if he was having a good time without me if I was having a bad day, or he'd get upset if I would go out with friends rather than talk to him.

Not only that, the distance does crazy things to your head: I would always think that he didn't want to be together (he hated talking on the phone and that really showed), then he would get upset when I would be insecure about us, we'd fight, make up, be sad we couldn't see each other. Repeat.

It's not easy OP. It's really really difficult. And we were in the same country. But, if this is true love and you two honestly are committed to making this work (again, this is another job!) then it's entirely possible. Just know that it's hard. And extremely emotional.

You must be scared and sad he's leaving. Keep yourself busy, spend time with friends, pick up a hobby. The happier you are, the happier your relationship will be.

Best of luck.

EDIT: it helped to know that we wanted to get married. Knowing that it wasn't just a college relationship made it so much easier to not give up. And trust me, there will be times when you want to give up and many times when you'll come close to calling it quits. Do what your heart tells you is right.