Lets talk about our teenagers!

[TEENEE]

marciemi, I'm no expert, just a mom but I'll tell you what I did. My ds has been dating the same girl for about 15 months. I have talked to my son by himself and with him and his girlfriend about their relationship, sex, the consequenses of having sex etc. At first the conversation was one sided but after a few minutes his gf started talking. She let me know that she has no intentions of being a teenage mother, not that any of them do. She told me her mother would throw her out of the house if she got pregnant, I believe her mom would. We have had those types of conversations more than once. The rule at her house and my house is that they can not be in the bedroom with the door closed. My house is very small so I don't think they would try to do anything with the door open. In reality if they want to do anything they shouldn't be doing they will find a way. I'm lucky that they have watched two of their friends become parents and are seeing how hard it is. That made a huge impression on them. All I can say is keep the lines of communication open and try not to be too surprised when they tell you things that are shocking. Staying calm seems to help.

 

[marciemi]

Thanks Teenee! I think we were doing the "of course they're not doing anything" with our heads in the sand for awhile here. Couple of things that made us a bit suspicious in the last month. 1. We found DS is carrying condoms (well-hidden) in his wallet. 2. When he tossed me his phone to hold for him, my younger son was flipping through his text messages (which are just deeply thrilling - most of them are "k", or "ugh". But there was one with GF trying to convince DS to sneak out of the house and meet her (this was about 11 at night).

I guess this one shocked us because it kind of implied they'd done that before. First of all, I believe her parents would never let her get away with it, and I can't imagine how our DS could (all our bedrooms are on the same floor). Plus I think his brothers would be telling me. And she lives a mile away so they're going out in the dark (I know he's not taking the car) and walking to meet? I know we're going to be doing some "spot checks" of the bed especially as summer vacation starts, but DH and I are unfortunately "asleep at 10" people.

I've talked to him several times and each time get the wide-eyed "of course we're not doing anything" response. I guess I should start including her in the conversation, but am worried that we'd both die of embarrassment!

 

[TEENEE]

I didn't think I could talk to both of them either. The opportunity came up one day last summer when I had both of them in the truck. None of us could run and we didn't have to look at each other. I've had some great talks with my kids while driving down the road. Just don't drive off the road when they catch you off guard.

 

[Katy Belle]

Oh my, maybe I've found a new home! I'm a newbie on this thread and I'm reading your posts feeling like you already know my life!!!!

My DS turned 13 in April, so I'm officially a parent of a teen. I sometimes tell my DH, "His 13 is showing." I've written notes every day for the last week, to my best friend ,about something frustrating this kiddo has done for the day. Mostly its school work. Mostly lack of effort on school work. UGH. Its killing me, really. I know its normal and reading your posts really makes me think so, but its still really, super frustrating.

Anyway, I'm glad I've found you and I look forward to reading your words of wisdom and your venting.

Really, these kiddos are great. I do love my son so, so much. But its nice to have support through the rough spots.

katy

 

[mamacatnv]

Good Morning Ladies:

Well, it is official - My son just completed his last high school class about 5 minutes ago! Boo Hoo Sniff Sniff! Graduation is Saturday, the relatives start arriving tonight and I feel like I have been cleaning for a month, oh wait, I have been cleaning for a month!

As for GF's - DS has been seeing the same girly since last summer. I talk and I talk and I talk. There are no taboo's and I do not beat around the bush. I am open and honest with both of them about what our expectations are, what the consequences are of bad decisions etc...but mainly I preach at them how they need to protect themselves. Not just my DS but how they both need to take responsibilty if/when they decide to become intimate.

You know, my DH (man of few words) actually said something to DS that I thought was quite good and not the least bit preachy. He said - paraphrased: Son, you now at the beginning of your 6 year plan. In 6 years, you can have everything you want, an education, a career etc. 6 years, think of it as high school + 2. I know you and girly are really close and I think she is a great girl, but you cannot allow her family issues (lots of drama in her house) to interfere with your 6 year plan because afterall, she has a 7 year plan (she is only a Jr.) Your Mom and I will do everything we can to help you achieve your 6 year goals, but we cannot do it for you. This is your plan and it is in your hands. Messing up your 6 year plan will haunt you for the rest of your life. So think about it son, what is 6 years, really?

He moves into a dorm in 2 months, yikes! Who is going to take out the trash!

 

[SadieDog]

My son does well, my daughter struggles. She does really well for a short period of time then she conviently forgets to turn in homework, doesn't finish class work, you know the story. There are times when I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall with her. The sad part is that she has the potential to be a great student. She does well on all of her standardized tests. When she does her school work she gets A's & B's. We just can't get her to stay on track for more than a couple weeks at a time.

Oh yes, I know the story all too well.

 

[mamacatnv]

I didn't think I could talk to both of them either. The opportunity came up one day last summer when I had both of them in the truck. None of us could run and we didn't have to look at each other. I've had some great talks with my kids while driving down the road. Just don't drive off the road when they catch you off guard.

Isn't that the truth! We want open communication, we better be able to handle it and if we can't we must hide our shock well

 

[SadieDog]

Oldest DS got his license in March and his car last Friday. Well, he didn't get a new car, WE did, but he got the hand me down, so now he has one to drive regularly. He's been dating the same girl for nearly 16 months now, so you can imagine the dimensions that that has added to our lives (not to mention the grey hairs!).


Any advice on the girlfriend is welcomed. We like her a lot, but they're going too far, too fast. He got her a new swimsuit for her birthday next week, and she came over yesterday to try it out (in our hot tub - with me and his brothers present). However, I didn't find out until one of his brothers snitched afterwards that the changing session was co-ed in his room! Not even sure where to go from here. Thanks for any help and I can't wait to meet you all!

My DD has her permit and is sending in for her date to take the drivers test next week.

I know it is scary and odd to you that they changed in the same room, but from what I have seen from my DD and her friends, it's pretty common. In fact she has friends who have their boyfriend/girlfriend spend the night or the couple spends the night at a party or another friends house. Quite different from what most of us are used to.

 

[mamacatnv]

Our teens are very uninhibited to say the least.

I think the best thing to do is lay down the rules for when you are home. ie bedroom door remains open, clothing remains on and separate quarters are used for changing etc. I can't dictate what goes on when I am not there (I guess I could try, but IMO it is not worth the trouble) now mind you my DS is 18. This was not my thinking at 16.

We have a 9 year old in the house and DS and GF are both very respectful of that. At the same time I have gotten into the habit of letting him know I am on my way home, I don't want to be "surprised".

BTW DS has a little tiny hickey I found on his neck last night. I told him NO MORE and then I told her the same thing - he says, "Mom, it's not really a hickey, she bit me" I layed into both of them. No hickeys, bites or anything else that is visible!

 

[marciemi]

Our teens are very uninhibited to say the least.

I think the best thing to do is lay down the rules for when you are home. ie bedroom door remains open, clothing remains on and separate quarters are used for changing etc. I can't dictate what goes on when I am not there (I guess I could try, but IMO it is not worth the trouble) now mind you my DS is 18. This was not my thinking at 16.

We have a 9 year old in the house and DS and GF are both very respectful of that. At the same time I have gotten into the habit of letting him know I am on my way home, I don't want to be "surprised".

BTW DS has a little tiny hickey I found on his neck last night. I told him NO MORE and then I told her the same thing - he says, "Mom, it's not really a hickey, she bit me" I layed into both of them. No hickeys, bites or anything else that is visible!

Maybe she should join us over on the Twilight thread (vampires!).

The rules in the house are that she's not allowed in his room at all, except for briefly; ie. he wants to get a book for her or something. So I didn't think I needed to clarify that they shouldn't both be in there changing at the same time. Evidently I do.

We do have a rec room in the basement, which unfortunately is where they do hang out. And yes, I do go down every now and then (or send a younger brother down for something) and usually end up with them jumping quickly apart when I do. However, they do normally seem to be clothed!

I don't know what else to do as far as supervising. As much as possible, we talk them into doing activities with us - playing on the Wii, playing games, going for bike rides, etc. But you know how well this goes over with the 16 year old crowd! Any other suggestions?

I'm particularly concerned because summer vacation starts next Tuesday and although they're not supposed to be at one another's houses when there are no parents home, I've come home from work many times to find her here. I know his brothers will tell me if she was over, but I can't expect them to spy on them the whole time (willing as they might be to!)!

 

[marciemi]

My DD has her permit and is sending in for her date to take the drivers test next week.

I know it is scary and odd to you that they changed in the same room, but from what I have seen from my DD and her friends, it's pretty common. In fact she has friends who have their boyfriend/girlfriend spend the night or the couple spends the night at a party or another friends house. Quite different from what most of us are used to.

Good luck on the test! My son (who drove me crazy - pun intended - while driving with me with his permit) got a 95 percent on it. He actually seems to be a very conscientious driver so far - we'll see!

Hopefully since you have a DD it won't affect your insurance rates quite as much. Adding DS on to our policy (with the good student and driving class discounts) more than doubled our policy (from about 470 to 1000 every 6 months). Adding on a new car (and thus making him a primary driver) added about another $500 to it. So now we're paying over 3 times as much as we were 3 months ago. Sigh. It costs twice as much to insure him on our 8 year old minivan with 160,000 miles on it as to insure my husband on our brand new Odyssey.

 

[Kath2003]

I love reading this thread! I teach 11-18 year olds. 7th and 8th graders are the worst, but they're loveable deep down.

 

[mamacatnv]

Maybe she should join us over on the Twilight thread (vampires!).

The rules in the house are that she's not allowed in his room at all, except for briefly; ie. he wants to get a book for her or something. So I didn't think I needed to clarify that they shouldn't both be in there changing at the same time. Evidently I do.

I had to chuckle at this, teenagers can be so darn literal at times and yes, I think you do need to spell it out. Otherwise you get that dumb stare they are so good at

We do have a rec room in the basement, which unfortunately is where they do hang out. And yes, I do go down every now and then (or send a younger brother down for something) and usually end up with them jumping quickly apart when I do. However, they do normally seem to be clothed!

I don't know what else to do as far as supervising. As much as possible, we talk them into doing activities with us - playing on the Wii, playing games, going for bike rides, etc. But you know how well this goes over with the 16 year old crowd! Any other suggestions?

I'm particularly concerned because summer vacation starts next Tuesday and although they're not supposed to be at one another's houses when there are no parents home, I've come home from work many times to find her here. I know his brothers will tell me if she was over, but I can't expect them to spy on them the whole time (willing as they might be to!)!

Now, DS did not have a girly until the summer before he was 18 so I have no life experiences to share. I do however remember when I was 16 and the summer of love............my advice, put a beacon on your son that notifies you when she gets within a couple of feet.
Okay, seriously, if they are not supposed to be there alone, what do you do when you find them alone? If your DS is breaking the house rules then you need to deal with him on that. They are old enough that you could sit the 2 of them down and work out some sort of deal for the summer so they don't feel like they never get to see each other and you don't feel like you are the referee in the tonsil hockey tournament 24/7. I would stress to both of them that "here are the rules, everyone agrees and if you break them, then ______ will happen".

And here I am worried about dorm life, you have 2 hormone crazed 16 yr. olds on your handsand a hot tub! oh dear

 

[mamacatnv]

Good luck on the test! My son (who drove me crazy - pun intended - while driving with me with his permit) got a 95 percent on it. He actually seems to be a very conscientious driver so far - we'll see!

Hopefully since you have a DD it won't affect your insurance rates quite as much. Adding DS on to our policy (with the good student and driving class discounts) more than doubled our policy (from about 470 to 1000 every 6 months). Adding on a new car (and thus making him a primary driver) added about another $500 to it. So now we're paying over 3 times as much as we were 3 months ago. Sigh. It costs twice as much to insure him on our 8 year old minivan with 160,000 miles on it as to insure my husband on our brand new Odyssey.

A year before our our DS started driving we did some serious insurance shopping. He got his Dad's hand me down Honda Accord and we only carry Liability on it. He can drive all our vehicles and with all the discounts his portion of the isurance is $650 every 6 months. We switched from Farmers to Am. Family

 

[SadieDog]

Good luck on the test! My son (who drove me crazy - pun intended - while driving with me with his permit) got a 95 percent on it. He actually seems to be a very conscientious driver so far - we'll see!

Hopefully since you have a DD it won't affect your insurance rates quite as much. Adding DS on to our policy (with the good student and driving class discounts) more than doubled our policy (from about 470 to 1000 every 6 months). Adding on a new car (and thus making him a primary driver) added about another $500 to it. So now we're paying over 3 times as much as we were 3 months ago. Sigh. It costs twice as much to insure him on our 8 year old minivan with 160,000 miles on it as to insure my husband on our brand new Odyssey.

YIKES on the insurance rates. I may have it cheaper now with DD, but I have a son coming up too.

 

[KelNottAt]

What do you guys think about this email I sent to the vice principal? (Sorry about all the details in the brainstorm list.)

Dear Mr. VP -

In [the guidance counselor's] absence, would you please give me a call today regarding my DS's, 11th grade schedule? We met with [counselor] yesterday to sort it out, but couldn't get it right. It's all messed up due to changes in the French program and conflicts with Honors Psych. (Out of all the kids at XXHS, I bet he's your only one who's interested in preparing for a French/Psych double major in college, huh?)

The way things are going now, in order to take French IV, DS might have to replace an honors course and an AP course with two academic classes. I'm sure you'll agree that is undesirable. Bright 11th graders need MORE academic rigor, not less.

I've brainstormed a few possible solutions and I'd be grateful if you would consider them before you call. They are:

1. Open a new section of Honors Psych in semester 2, mod 3, blocked. (This is ideal, but I realize it's probably impractical. I bet it would fill-up, though.)
2. Allow DS to have an Honors Psych independent study mod 1A, during the Academic Psych class.
3. If #2 works, help us find a challenging class (AP preferred) for mod 3, sem 2. This may mean granting a pre-req waiver for something.
4. In semester 2, move French II to mod 4 and French IV to mod 3. I know, I know. This is the worst of all options because it affects the most kids. But it just makes sense for II and IV to follow I and III in the same time slot.

I can be reached at XXX-XXX-XXXX. Please call me, even if you don't have answers now. I'm increasingly pre-occupied by this and I'd hate to lose sleep over the weekend.

Thanks.
Kelley A

I tried to keep it non-confrontational and cooperative, but also express my dismay at the weak/light schedule they want DS to accept. Did I succeed?

Also, here it is 1:45 pm and I haven't heard from him yet. Looks like I'll be losing sleep. (j/k)

 

[babytrees]

I like the email...did you hear back from the principal??

 

[KelNottAt]

Nope. No word yet. I sent the email Friday morning. It's now Tuesday morning.

The GC emailed me some possibilities. But, they were useless b/c DS would have to drop French 3 in order to add AP World.

I'm going to call the office in a couple hours to see if the VP is even in the office this week.

Thanks for the reply.

 

[luvmarypoppins]

O.K. I am talking, um, venting about teen #2, ds 18. You can read my threads if you can find them. Hmm, lets see, get up this morning and see he didnt put the towels in the dryer like he was asked. He is walking around without his aircast boot on his broken foot (you know that thread where he kicked his brother in the head for eating his disney candy) , he is refusing to talk to me, I took my van keys with me to make sure he wouldnt take it when I was out yest with dh and other ds at the eye dr. and he still hasnt found his yearbook etc. etc. etc. Oh will this ever end. Yes he forgot his id and couldnt take his college math test and had to reschedule it., now they want him to take an on line writing test to skip some class so we will see if he will do that. Out of all our 3 teens this one is the biggest challenge so far. Wow.

 

[KelNottAt]

O.K. I am talking, um, venting about teen #2, ds 18. You can read my threads if you can find them. Hmm, lets see, get up this morning and see he didnt put the towels in the dryer like he was asked. He is walking around without his aircast boot on his broken foot (you know that thread where he kicked his brother in the head for eating his disney candy) , he is refusing to talk to me, I took my van keys with me to make sure he wouldnt take it when I was out yest with dh and other ds at the eye dr. and he still hasnt found his yearbook etc. etc. etc. Oh will this ever end. Yes he forgot his id and couldnt take his college math test and had to reschedule it., now they want him to take an on line writing test to skip some class so we will see if he will do that. Out of all our 3 teens this one is the biggest challenge so far. Wow.

Aww. I don't have any wisdom, just .