Laid off DH is getting lazy AND crabby...Update he's going for a job interview

[chobie]

It has been ONE week...

How about you give your DH a little space and understanding???

Good old DIS boards.. The second men bashing can start, stand back and watch it come... How about some support for our men? Not every post has to turn into whatever the opposite of a witch hunt is!

Oh please... Do you really think if it was a woman who had lost her job then laid around the house watching tv letting the husband both work full-time and take on the lion's share of housecare/child care people would not be criticism her as harshly?

 

[MushyMushy]

Oh please... Do you really think if it was a woman who had lost her job then laid around the house watching tv letting the husband both work full-time and take on the lion's share of housecare/child care people would not be criticism her as harshly?

Why don't you continue the comparison with the husband wanting to punch her in the head and/or kick her? Every day.

Why is that okay to say?

FTR, my husband and I would give each other how ever long we'd need, whether it's a week, a month, or even six months. I'm not saying we don't ever get frustrated with each other, but I can't imagine feeling that kind of violence towards someone I love.

 

[KAMKIM]

Oh my, I think the only thing sadder than me wanting to punch my husband in the head is that so many of you cant take a joke. He is 250lbs 6'4, I'm 5'2 and I wont disclose my weight trust me, he is in no danger

I came here to vent. I have a funny sense of humor that apparently most of you dont have, or you really just wanted to try and make someone else feel bad so you took their words of humor and decided to say I need a divorce.

We've been together since my freshman year of high school, 14 years to be exact - no I would not leave him over this. Nor do I seriously want to hurt him (well okay maybe a little) I want him to understand that if I were the one feeling depressed and sleeping all day he'd be lost/pissed.

Now you all can pick this apart and decided that I am a midget spouse abuser....have fun!

To rest, thank you for your kind words. Sometimes you just need to hear that someone else is going through the same thing or that it will be okay.

 

[MushyMushy]

Well, honestly the first time you mentioned it I did take it as a joke! But then when you brought it up the second time, I thought you really meant it. I'm sorry if I misunderstood your intentions.

I understand this is a stressful time for you too. I don't mean to make it worse by judging -- I have to admit, I was a bit disturbed at the direction your venting was taking!

 

[ilovedisneyparks]

I lost my job 9/12/08 & still have no job. I live at home w/my parents. I've been driving myself & my parents crazy. I am always at home doing nothing. Not necessarly nothing but I do help out a little water the plants, do the dishes, feed the cats. I don't know if I can stand being at home day in/day out for much longer. I've been trying to get a job but I'm never successful. I hate living in the SF Bay Area. Los Angeles has all the jobs but I can't move down there because my parents won't let me & they have their work here. GURR!!! My unemployment has just ended. Was supposed to get another extension but got mailed nothing even though I followed what the letter asked me to do sign up for CalJobs. Twidling my thumbs everyday sure gets boring after awhile.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

OP,

I unfortunately don't understand why you are frustrated at this point. It has only been what 2 weeks for your husband?

For many of us on here it has been at least a year (Nov. it will be a year for me) He is probably adjusting and depressed. I go through waves of it. Here is Jersey jobs are few and far between that is if you can even get a call back or interview and most aren't even full time with any benefits.

I can't afford to go back to school at this point to learn something new. I had found a career that I truly loved and enjoyed going to work every day. It wasn't all rainbows and butterflies but I loved it.

To have that just taken out from under me, has been very difficult. Now I have to start from square one and its very hard. Give your hubby a bit of slack for a little bit. When its 6 months then come on here and vent away.

I do wish you and your family good luck.

 

[KAMKIM]

OP,

I unfortunately don't understand why you are frustrated at this point. It has only been what 2 weeks for your husband?

For many of us on here it has been at least a year (Nov. it will be a year for me) He is probably adjusting and depressed. I go through waves of it. Here is Jersey jobs are few and far between that is if you can even get a call back or interview and most aren't even full time with any benefits.

I can't afford to go back to school at this point to learn something new. I had found a career that I truly loved and enjoyed going to work every day. It wasn't all rainbows and butterflies but I loved it.

To have that just taken out from under me, has been very difficult. Now I have to start from square one and its very hard. Give your hubby a bit of slack for a little bit. When its 6 months then come on here and vent away.

I do wish you and your family good luck.

I'm not upset that he hasn't found a job. I am not upset that he lost his job. I am upset that he is spending every waking moment doing exactly nothing. This puts a very heavy burden on me to keep our house running and our kids taken care of. At the very least he could do more around the house now that he is home everyday/all day kwim?

 

[Terry36]

I'm not upset that he hasn't found a job. I am not upset that he lost his job. I am upset that he is spending every waking moment doing exactly nothing. This puts a very heavy burden on me to keep our house running and our kids taken care of. At the very least he could do more around the house now that he is home everyday/all day kwim?

I understand how you're feeling however have you spoken to your DH and told him how you are feeling.....

 

[KAMKIM]

I understand how you're feeling however have you spoken to your DH and told him how you are feeling.....

Not really, I mean I did tell him I'd like him to help out more, then when he didn't I wrote him a list thinking that would help. I dont want to get on his case too much because it has just been a week but I dont want to feel resentful either.

 

[KAMKIM]

That's why I came here to vent because I know there are so many families going through this too. I just didn't think it would lead to comments about how I should get divorced and/or am possibly abusing my husband lmao: the thought of that still makes me laugh)

 

[Terry36]

Not really, I mean I did tell him I'd like him to help out more, then when he didn't I wrote him a list thinking that would help. I dont want to get on his case too much because it has just been a week but I dont want to feel resentful either.

In order to keep yourself sane and to ensure you don't resent start to resent him I strongly advise that you tell him you understand how he's feeling and that you are there for him however since he is now home it would really help you and your family out if he could help out with the house work you created.

 

[KAMKIM]

In order to keep yourself sane and to ensure you don't resent start to resent him I strongly advise that you tell him you understand how he's feeling and that you are there for him however since he is now home it would really help you and your family out if he could help out with the house work you created.

You are right. I think this week I will tell him, he's had a week to kind of do what he wants and that is fine, but it would make life easier if I didn't come home to more housework. You figure, before when he was at work all day, when I got home my house looked like it did when I left it. Now - well sometimes he is worse than the darn kids. Cups, crumbs, clothes, etc...

 

[Terry36]

You are right. I think this week I will tell him, he's had a week to kind of do what he wants and that is fine, but it would make life easier if I didn't come home to more housework. You figure, before when he was at work all day, when I got home my house looked like it did when I left it. Now - well sometimes he is worse than the darn kids. Cups, crumbs, clothes, etc...

Good please PM me if you want to talk more.

Like I said earlier DH lost his FT job a year ago. He is depressed but has been looking for a job...he does help around the house during the day while he works his PT job at night. I am working through my own resentful feelings now. Some days I feel he's not doing enough to find a job and others i wish I could find him a job. This is a very tough situation but I am working hard to keep him and me upbeat.

 

[edandcolleen1995]

Not really, I mean I did tell him I'd like him to help out more, then when he didn't I wrote him a list thinking that would help. I dont want to get on his case too much because it has just been a week but I dont want to feel resentful either.

Then why complain?? You did not tell him how you feel, yet you expect him to just figure it out..

Sorry but you are as much to blame as your DH..

 

[C.Ann]

Communication is so important.. Sit down and have a calm discussion with him.. Let him know how you feel - ask how he's feeling right now - and then try to come to a mutual agreement..

I have to be honest though.. If my late DH let me a "list" of things to do - it would not have gone over well at all.. I'm an adult - not a child who requires a "list" of chores..

Hopefully things will get better soon.. I suspect your DH is actually depressed - even though he claims he wasn't/isn't upset about being laid off..

Good luck..

 

[KAMKIM]

Then why complain?? You did not tell him how you feel, yet you expect him to just figure it out..

Sorry but you are as much to blame as your DH..

Because it made me feel better.

 

[KAMKIM]

My DH actually prefers lists for what I need/want done.

Everyday woman are reminded that we cant/shouldn't do it all, ask for help from our spouses. Then when we do and it doesn't get done, we make a list and it doesn't get done, we complain and BAM we're being bad wives.

 

[KirstenB]

I'd be irritated too. I'm a sahm and it's helpful to me to create a list of "extra" chores that need to be done. You already know the regular ones in your head, laundry, vacuuming, dishes etc. If he's like my dh, he'd need a list if he were suddenly at home during the day. I keep a list too, But more the seasonal ones, like pressure-washing the house, taking out the window screens, seeding the lawn, etc go on that.

Since he likely has some down time he could be knocking out chores during his job search. Look it's a family, everyone pitches in. I actually think it would help his depression, etc, after a week, to have a plan each day until he gets a job. He can think of it, that each task he does, saves you money, because you didn't have to hire someone else to do it, kwim?

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

Hang in there. I know it's tough. We went through a similar situation when Kmart closed (my DH was the manager).
If he has been a good provider before this, he will be again. Losing a job is humilating and emasculating. I understand that financially this is going to be very difficult on your family.

Now, here's my comment on the sleeping all day: I suffer from severe depression. I have good days and bad. The bad days, I just sleep away. When you are sleeping, you feel no pain. Maybe thats what he is doing. He may feel like he has failed your family, and sleeping is a way to avoid the feelings of failure. Honestly, I don't think putting a timetable on this is going to help. I know it would take me more than a week to rebound. Good luck, I hope things turn around for you both very soon.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

OP,

I think maybe why some have taken what you wrote the wrong way might be because you just expect DH to do what you want him to do.....now we know that doesn't always work

He is probably depressed feeling like a failure and might even be afraid to talk with you about it. Especially if you are not talking to him (which I don't know if you are or are not )

You may just want to set aside a little bit of time before you both go to sleep and just talk about things. I wouldn't bark at him and be mean that he isn't helping around the house. I would ask him how he feels and even if he doesn't want to share his feelings ( most men find that difficult ) be there for him, be compassionate....THEN you can ask him if he could possbily do XYZ etc. That might work more to your advantage.

I don't like it when I am told what to do, I am a grown adult and knows what needs to be done around the house.

The list thing is good, but I wouldn't just leave it for him.

I know it can be frustrating, but he needs you to be there for him now. Show him that you still care and love him as your husband, he needs support from you. Good Luck!