Laid off DH is getting lazy AND crabby...Update he's going for a job interview

[KAMKIM]

for those of you that think I am being mean, any one willing to come to my house and pick up his slack?

 

[RitaE]

for those of you that think I am being mean, any one willing to come to my house and pick up his slack?

depends. Will you be wanting to beat the crap out of me on a daily basis as well?

 

[HannaBelle]

KamKim...you are not being unreasonable...he should be able to suck it up and provide a little extra help around the house.

We are talking about seeing what needs to be done and then doing it vs sleeping all day/playing computer games.

Unless you have "been there / done that" you cannot imagine how frustrating it is to walk-in after working all day and seeing your DH w/his face stuck in the computer/head phones on...dirty dishes and crumbs/stickiness all of the counter, piles of dirty laundry in the laundry room and your kids asking you "What's for dinner Mom?"...umm?...anyone think of asking Dad?

My DS16 is capable of preparing a well balanced dinner and DD11 is an accomplished sous chef!

Everyone just needs to not be so serious...venting is healthy and it helps take the edge off the feelings...hehe...

 

[SaraJayne]

Really? you never want to punch or kick your DH? I think about hurting mine on a daily basis lately. Some times more than once.

My kids are 8 and 5, they have chores.

Wow, this post is just ~ sad. I agree with Mushy. Give the guy a break.

 

[Terry36]

Dh lost his FT job last October. He does have a pt night job but it's not the same. He too is so used to working and being busy.....He is depressed and I have been trying to keep him upbeat but I think I'm loosing the battle. I have to monitor my emotions because I am angry and sad with the situation but then I realize he is a man and this is VERY hard for him.

He does cook, do the laundry and clean the house while I am at work so I am grateful for that.

Hugs to all of you who are going through this tough time.

 

[Tink888]

OP- I would totally feel the same way. Sure, you feel bad for the DH but the reality is that they have 2 kids and a household to run. That is not going to stop. So while he may feel bad and want a little time to regroup life still has to go on. The kids still need what they need, the house still has to run etc. If it were me I would tell DH that he needs to help more around the house. I would be specific in what I needed from him. Just because he lost the job doesn't mean that the OP isn't effected too. Maybe she is stressed out because the burden of it all is all on her? Maybe she feels like cashing it in and going to bed because she is stressed too? Sorry, but I cannot stand that men allegedly need to be coddled through every single life change. Buck up!
It's not like she is chaining him to the boiler and forcing him to scrub the basement with a toothbrush. She simply wants the stuff that needs to get done (regardless of if he is working or not) that has to get done.
OP- I would go with hot pink with glitter that glows in the dark. I would even paint his fingernails too.

I agree with you that life does go on and there are things to do. I'm sure if the OP had said it's been two months since he lost his job and he hasn't done anything that the responses would be different.

But, it's been ONE week. She said he does help with the usual housework and went out on 3 job leads in that time. She was mad because he did 1 thing on a list of 10 things and was sleeping a lot and crabby. In the first week of being laid-off.

To give the guy a break isn't coddling him. Had the post been from a husband who was complaining that his wife hasn't done anything all week after having a miscarriage.......or sending the oldest child off to college, should the advice be he tell her to buck up, life goes on and give her a swift kick in the *** to get her going again? After a week?

Losing a job is just that, a loss. And like any loss, a person needs to feel it and adjust. Whether it's the husband or the wife doesn't matter. When one person is having a rough time, you show a little compassion until the other person pulls themselves out of it. That's two people being in a marriage. Sure, sometimes a person needs a push to get going again but at least give the guy a chance to stand up again before you give them that shove. KWIM?

 

[MushyMushy]

Really? you never want to punch or kick your DH? I think about hurting mine on a daily basis lately. Some times more than once.

My kids are 8 and 5, they have chores.

No! And if I felt that way towards him, I'd be out the door in a heartbeat.

Like someone else said, I think the responses would be far different if you were talking about a month or two, but a week? I'm sure you're completely stressed out too. I'm not trying to make you feel worse, honestly, but I don't get where a lot of you are coming from with these harsh feelings towards spouses.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

for those of you that think I am being mean, any one willing to come to my house and pick up his slack?

I will. Since you are in an area which is extremely depressed in the job market and I know that it took my DH 3 years to find a job, I know the routine. I would come home from 3 jobs and pick up during this time.. When I married him it was for better or worse. I count myself blessed now since becoming disabled. Not once has he ever put me down for not doing my fair share... Definetely, I would come and help!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I agree with you that life does go on and there are things to do. I'm sure if the OP had said it's been two months since he lost his job and he hasn't done anything that the responses would be different.

But, it's been ONE week. She said he does help with the usual housework and went out on 3 job leads in that time. She was mad because he did 1 thing on a list of 10 things and was sleeping a lot and crabby. In the first week of being laid-off.

To give the guy a break isn't coddling him. Had the post been from a husband who was complaining that his wife hasn't done anything all week after having a miscarriage.......or sending the oldest child off to college, should the advice be he tell her to buck up, life goes on and give her a swift kick in the *** to get her going again? After a week?

Losing a job is just that, a loss. And like any loss, a person needs to feel it and adjust. Whether it's the husband or the wife doesn't matter. When one person is having a rough time, you show a little compassion until the other person pulls themselves out of it. That's two people being in a marriage. Sure, sometimes a person needs a push to get going again but at least give the guy a chance to stand up again before you give them that shove. KWIM?

Are you really comparing the loss of a child to a job? Sorry but there is no comparison.
It's been a week. She isn't asking for the moon. He is home all day. He can pick up the slack. I know my DH would and so would I if the situation were reversed. The list of stuff she left was stuff that had to get done either way. As I said before, they still have kids and a home to run. Things still need to get done. He hated the job. It's not like it was some beloved career from what the OP said. IMO that would be an even bigger motivator now that he doesn't have to go back to where he hates.
Sorry but I am a suck it up kind of gal. It stinks and of course take a break, but you need to keep the home running. I also don't see why anyone doesn't see that maybe the wife is stressed about the whole job loss either? What if this was some husband on here complaining that his wife doesn't seem motivated to work, the house was a wreck, and she was a crab? There would be cries of "She needs to get it together for her family!" Sorry but men are no different imo. Maybe the OP is feeling the strain of trying to do it all while her partner is napping all day. I would be resentful too. I don't know too many people who wouldn't.

 

[Tink888]

Are you really comparing the loss of a child to a job? Sorry but there is no comparison. .

Yeah, as someone who, in 16 years of marriage, has had two miscarriages, lost a job and had a DH who lost a job while I was working 40 hours a week with two small kids and a house to run, I am making that comparison. I've been there.

And my point is that when I miscarried I took it not necessarily harder than, but it a different way than my DH. I didn't want to do anything while he was fine to go off to work and go about life as usual.

For a guy losing a job, whether he hates it or not, it's a rough blow. You (general you) can't expect people to react and bounce back from a situation the same way you (general you) do. And when you're in a marriage, and someone needs a little extra time, you give it to them.

 

[Fintastic]

I don't think the OP is asking too much. When one spouse works and the other doesn't, the non-working spouse should definitely pick up the slack around the house - no matter what the circumstances. Especially if kids are involved. He can mourn the loss of his job and run a load of laundry at the same time.

 

[ScottOKW2K]

BUT now he isn't working full time, and the kids are in school all day so he is sleeping ALL day. He has also been quite crabby the last couple of days which is not like him at all - he is generally very laid back and go with the flow kind of guy. I get that he is probably bored, so I left him a little list of things that needed to be done (bring in the outdoor furniture, close up the sandbox etc.) before winter comes. He did one thing on a list of about 10 in 1 week.

Seriously?!?!?!

Substitute depressed for bored and you are probably closer to the truth.

I also wonder how this list was presented. Was this something you and he mutually discussed partner to partner or was this something you simply "left him" - ie boss to surrogate. Though you may not think that in his present mindset HE may be reacting that way. Seriously.

Apparently that is asking too much.
So tonight when he is sleeping I'm contemplating painting his big toe or something.... ugh....alright I feel better now

Oh believe me, a week I can barely tolerate - a few more days and we will find out if PS3's can fly.

Thanks for the support guys - it's nice to know I'm not the only one. I dont want to appear as being impatient but I agree, he's had a week to feel sorry for himself, hopefully after this week he gets off his butt and gets somethings done around here.

He has applied to 3 places this week - not exactly what I'd shoot for but at least it's something at this point.

I did give him space and understanding, for 7 days...I'm done now. He needs to get off his butt and stop expecting someone who is already working 40 hours a week to continue to take care of our 2 young girls, bills, housework, shopping, etc. He is essentially a stay at home dad now with no full time work so yes, excuse me if I expect a little more. If it was me that was laid off our house would be spotless when he walked through the door.
He is an awesome dad and I'm not denying he is a good man - but right now he needs to get out of this funk.

It's obvious how you feel about the situation that you and he are in, but have you sat down and talked with him about how he feels ? We know you came here to vent, and understand how frustrated you are with the situation you have at home. However , nothing in your replies yet indicates that the two of you have sat down and had a good heart to heart talk. All we hear is how you feel - nothing about what he feels because of this. And do it away from the house - it is not a "neutral" setting in this scenario.

I hate seeing him miserable and I know its hard on the girls - they are used to daddy being the fun silly one and right now he just doesn't have it in him.

I also think him sleeping all day is making him lazier, like even though he slept for so long he is exhausted from doing nothing - if that makes sense.

These are both classic signs of depression. You may have "shruggged it off" but it may be likely that he has not. Losing a job can be a major blow to the ego, and being treated like an employee at home afterwards doesn't help.

 

[allison443]

What if this was some husband on here complaining that his wife doesn't seem motivated to work, the house was a wreck, and she was a crab? There would be cries of "She needs to get it together for her family!" Sorry but men are no different imo.

What if a man came on the board and posted this about his wife:

Really? you never want to punch or kick your DH? I think about hurting mine on a daily basis lately. Some times more than once.

What kind of a reaction would that get? (I assume OP was kidding, but still...would a man who joked liked that be supported/accepted here?)

OP good luck with this stressful situation.

 

[shortbun]

I think it's interesting that the OP hasn't mentioned discussing any of this with her DH. What's up with that OP? Tell him you're scared, tired and frustrated. Have an honest conversation -men do not do well with eye contact btw. Go for a car ride, just the two of you and talk about it. Vent here but you need to get real with your husband. Just a little more advice - I would NOT tell him you want to hit and kick him on a daily basis.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I think it's interesting that the OP hasn't mentioned discussing any of this with her DH. What's up with that OP? Tell him you're scared, tired and frustrated. Have an honest conversation -men do not do well with eye contact btw. Go for a car ride, just the two of you and talk about it. Vent here but you need to get real with your husband. Just a little more advice - I would NOT tell him you want to hit and kick him on a daily basis.

I am not picking on you but using this an example. I am so tired of people acting like men are helpless infants! They are adults! They don't like eye contact? Give me a break!!!!!! Yes, the OP should tell her dh what she is annoyed about but I don't agree that men need to be fed a bottle and burped. That is ridiculous.

 

[Nancyg56]

Really? you never want to punch or kick your DH? I think about hurting mine on a daily basis lately. Some times more than once.

My kids are 8 and 5, they have chores.

You are that angry at your husband? That is sad. You keep mentioning that you supervise your kids...they have chores... your husband only responds to supervision (micromanagement). I know that none of know you or your marriage dynamics, but Holy Moly! Perhaps part of this problem is that you treat your husband like one of the kids. When you say that your DH only responds to that kind of oversight and you discuss his contribution in the same manner that you discuss your children's chores

Well it's nice that you like taking care of the house, but I also put in 40 hours of work outside of the home, so no, I will not do everything.

I was not always a stay at home woman, I know how it is to work 40+ hours a week, keep the house up and keep the kids and their school work and projects in good shape. I do know that I still would understand that losing a job, whether you liked it or not, is a pretty personal blow and that it might take a while to process and grieve the loss before it is possible to make a plan. In the meantime I would just continue the way I did the week before.

I really wonder if the anger and resentment that you have about your DH performance at home is more because you are angry and frightened that he is out of work. Now he is not only dealing with the personal disappointment and his own issues with losing a job, you are letting him know that he is a failure as well. In the end, chores will keep a week or two, a persons self worth is worth a lot more than a spotless kitchen.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Really? you never want to punch or kick your DH? I think about hurting mine on a daily basis lately. Some times more than once.

Rather than thinking about hurting your husband, I'm recommending that you think about going to an attorney and ending this relationship. Obviously if you're this angry and bitter toward him, he's adding nothing to your life except for a paycheck and another human being in the house.

I occasionally feel the urge to break a platter over my DH's head, but it's very rare. I think the last time I felt that way was November 2008: I was pre-menstrual and he had an impromptu pick-up football game in our backyard and everyone came in afterward (muddy, loud, and too full of beer) to my nice clean kitchen, bathroom and living room and he made the mistake of asking, "Honey? What do we have in to feed these monsters with?"

In your case, since you're this angry after one week, I'm thinking the love has gone out of your marriage and I'm wondering why the heck you're still with him. Call the whole thing off. Now.

 

[goofyernmost]

Are you really comparing the loss of a child to a job? Sorry but there is no comparison.
It's been a week. She isn't asking for the moon. He is home all day. He can pick up the slack. I know my DH would and so would I if the situation were reversed. The list of stuff she left was stuff that had to get done either way. As I said before, they still have kids and a home to run. Things still need to get done. He hated the job. It's not like it was some beloved career from what the OP said. IMO that would be an even bigger motivator now that he doesn't have to go back to where he hates.
Sorry but I am a suck it up kind of gal. It stinks and of course take a break, but you need to keep the home running. I also don't see why anyone doesn't see that maybe the wife is stressed about the whole job loss either? What if this was some husband on here complaining that his wife doesn't seem motivated to work, the house was a wreck, and she was a crab? There would be cries of "She needs to get it together for her family!" Sorry but men are no different imo. Maybe the OP is feeling the strain of trying to do it all while her partner is napping all day. I would be resentful too. I don't know too many people who wouldn't.

Exactly! This whole country has been slowly going to the "poor me" system of social interaction when it comes to life events. My god, it's a job. Find another and move on. I heard of this guy that was reprimanded because there had been a huge report due and he decided that he needed to take a day off because the stress was just too much. When he returned the next day he was told to get in his office and get his part of the report done (it was already past due) he was there for about 10 minutes and came back out and told them that he was upset and needed to go home to think over how he should deal with this pressure. He was told, of course, that he could indeed go home and to relieve the stress, don't come back ever. He was shocked and couldn't believe how "insensitive" his employer was.

My point is that somewhere along the line the "I" has become way more important the the overall picture. If you have a family you do whatever you can to support that family. If it is bring in the money...great. If it is clean, cook and maintain...great. Just do something to contribute. If you have spent a long time very actively looking for a job and have been unsuccessful it is natural for a bit of depression and discouragement to set in. That is no excuse for placing all the burden on someone else simply because we might be feeling a little down. There is no reason for the someone else to accept that they now have to do everything because the poor "victim" is feeling bad. No excuse at all. If you're in a body cast from head to toe, then you have an excuse. If your physically healthy, get off your butt and pull your weight.

 

[maxiesmom]

I would give my DH a little slack. It is a lot harder than it looks to everybody else to be going through this.

No kidding! It has only been one week, it is not like he has been laying around for months on end! Give him a chance to get his head around the fact that he has been fired, and let him try to deal with it. Geeze, you can only offer support and sympathy for one whole week?

It sure is easy to point fingers and say Bad Husband, but I'm positive that living thru a job loss is a lot harder than it looks. I'm just happy that so far I haven't had to deal with it myself (knock on wood). I can see how if you try and nag a husband into getting a job that they would just dig in their heals and refuse to move. Try being supportive for a bit longer.

 

[kymom99]

I guess I am sort of lucky. My husband was let go 2 weeks ago. I complain that he acts like he is on vacation and has a job to go back to, but at least he is doing things. He goes out to my mom's property and mows, fixes fence, etc. does laundry and cooks here, and generally stays busy. I have had to push him to apply for jobs. I am worried about health insurance. I can get it through my work but it is expensive. His was totally free for the family. He got a month's sverance and I have to make it last indefinitely. He may not qualify for unemployment because of the reason for his termination. The whole thing stinks, but he was unhappy at work for the last 6 months or so. I keep thinking a door will open somewhere and he will find something he likes better. I also want to avoid the pitfall of making him feel worse, but boy is it hard sometimes!