Laid off DH is getting lazy AND crabby...Update he's going for a job interview

[roliepolieoliefan]

I would start taking care of everything like I were a single mom. Because if I were your DH your disdain of me, coupled with treating me like a child, that's what you would be soon.

What?

So she's supposed to work full-time, take care of the kids, cook, clean, run errands and come home to a filthy house on top of all that and not say a word?

He's acting like a child. He's sleeping and playing video games all day. Even my 11 yo doesn't act like that when he's not in school.

He's a husband, father and man of the house. If he can't contribute financially there's other ways he can, but of his own free will, he's letting his wife do it all. You think this is OK?

 

[KAMKIM]

I would start taking care of everything like I were a single mom. Because if I were your DH your disdain of me, coupled with treating me like a child, that's what you would be soon.

Besides I doubt he'll be leaving any time soon, remember HE DOESN'T HAVE A PAYCHECK JK but this is the only way I can think to respond to a post like yours.

 

[KAMKIM]

Was he always a filthy person?

If not, he really may have a clinical depression.

Most clean and functioning adults do not behave like this. He has some mental issues going on right now.

He has always worked during the day so he never had the chance to mess up the house like this.

 

[RitaE]

He has always worked during the day so he never had the chance to mess up the house like this.

So in other words, in the 10+ whatever years you've known him he has been a pretty decent guy. Held a job, contributed to the household etc etc etc And last week he had a pretty bad week. I'm guessing chances are pretty good that he hasn't undergone a complete personality change and he will do his best to get back to his previous paycheck earning contribution status as quick as possible.

Hope it gets better for both of you, but I have to go with the I think wanting to smack him around multiple times a day attitude is a bit of an overreaction.

 

[Arielle22]

Not really, I mean I did tell him I'd like him to help out more, then when he didn't I wrote him a list thinking that would help. I dont want to get on his case too much because it has just been a week but I dont want to feel resentful either.

I don't think there is anything wrong with giving him a list. My DH doesn't remember to do anything without one. My thought would be that by doing more chores around the house it would make him feel like he is doing his part even if he isn't working.

I lost my job in July 2007. I got a job a couple of weeks later but it was part time. It wasn't until March 2008 that I got a job in my field. My dh still expected me to drop off/pick up our DDs from camp (which was close to my former job and an hr from my house) even the day I was termed and there was never any discussion that I could coast because I must be upset (nor would I like of it). yes I was upset since I had the position 7.5 years but after the initial shock wore off I realized I had to continue on so that the family could survive.

I can't believe how many posters think men need to be cosseted because their self esteem is tied up with their job. The idea is laughable to me. Just because something bad happens to you in life it doesn't mean you get to fall apart. You need to put on your big girl (or boy) pants and deal with it.

 

[KAMKIM]

So in other words, in the 10+ whatever years you've known him he has been a pretty decent guy. Held a job, contributed to the household etc etc etc And last week he had a pretty bad week. I'm guessing chances are pretty good that he hasn't undergone a complete personality change and he will do his best to get back to his previous paycheck earning contribution status as quick as possible.

Hope it gets better for both of you, but I have to go with the I think wanting to smack him around multiple times a day attitude is a bit of an overreaction.

Well he didn't come this way, it's the 14+ years I've known him that he IS this way....As I said before things were never split evenly between him and I and even when I worked full time and was going to school part time I still did more around the house - as he was working full time too, it still bothered me but not as much as him doing absolutely nothing....

 

[Ilike2Lurk]

He has always worked during the day so he never had the chance to mess up the house like this.

Weekends? Vacation days? Holidays? Sick days? Has your husband never been alone in the house before? He has never had a chance to drink a soda or eat food before?

What has he done in the past with dishes and cans and food and wrappers?

To leave garbage “in every room” is pretty severe

Is this dirty behavior something new? .

If so, he is having some mental issues.

 

[disykat]

I totally see where the OP is coming from - that would be frustrating!

Yet, I'm the non-working spouse in my marriage. Although I've been mainly a SAHM, I've worked 1/2 time for the last several years and on-call prior to that. This year I have NO job. We don't need the money to survive so it's not a huge thing, but it has REALLY affected me. I waste a lot of time sitting around spinning my wheels.

I'm going to try to explain how my brain is working. Other friends who are unemployed tell me they have felt similar things. Maybe this can help the OP understand and help her husband.

I'm managing to keep the house/kids going because those have been my normal responsibilities in the past. I'm also keeping up with my current volunteer work, but haven't committed to more. Here's why:

I made myself a list (I don't think dh doing it would have been appreciated, but I did try to put some stuff on it he would normally do) of "extras" that I now have time for. I am having trouble attacking that list. In my mind, if I accomplish the list I will have glaring emptiness looming before me. If I try to fill that time with taking on extra responsibilties, more volunteer work, etc. then it's like admitting to myself I'm not getting a job. I also am putting off dieting and self improvement type things because I think "I know I have time right now to concentrate on me but I won't be able to hack another failure right now." So I'm still wallowing and spinning my wheels a bit. I can see what I'm doing, but if it were worse, I might not - like OP's dh might not.

I did fix the computer the other day, something I would have definitely made dh do if I wasn't home so bored, so I'm getting there. Thankfully, since I'm the one who does the most home stuff and I'm still keeping up my normal home responsibilities it isn't affecting my husband that much, but I do feel like he's wondering what I'm doing with myself while he's busy working.

OP's spouse isn't used to doing the household stuff, so it is probably part of his list of "extras" that may be part of his admitting he isn't working. Does that make sense?

Obviously, OP can't continue to run herself ragged while her dh sleeps - that won't be good for either of them. A long, loving conversation is in order. OP - I'd start with baby steps, let him know that his extra mess is making things harder for you. Start with that. Then, you can start renegotiating how you are going to handle everything based during his short-term unemployment and see if he can help lighten your load while he has extra time. Make sure he knows you will re-negotiate everything when he starts back to work. Good luck!

 

[wdwfan16]

Well he didn't come this way, it's the 14+ years I've known him that he IS this way....As I said before things were never split evenly between him and I and even when I worked full time and was going to school part time I still did more around the house - as he was working full time too, it still bothered me but not as much as him doing absolutely nothing....

I believe your DH is in a depression.

It also seems that your marriage was a rocky one with you holding mild resentment against him that you were able to keep at bay when he had a paycheck. Now that his is contributing nothing that resentment has bubbled to the top and is coming out in a destructive way for you, your DH and your marriage.

Now is not the time to try to change him, that time was 14 years ago. You need to support him and slowly get him to see he needs to help. Hitting him and leaving to do list will not work.

If you DH asked for a note then write on otherwise it looks like you are treating him like the useless man he now sees himself as. You are reinforcing his "self speak" by your actions.

This is the defining moment in your marriage and you are not steeping up and meeting the challenge.

How old are the kids? If they are school age then they are old enough to throw out soda cans, put the dishes in the dishwasher (maybe not the best way but their best way), take out the trash and like jobs.

If they are too young for school then WHO is watching them while he sleeps all day?

 

[SNylund]

No excuse for this type of behaivor IMO. I have a full time day job 8 hrs a day and for the last year, I have been working almost every night after hours on my own business (2 to 4 hours a night plus all day on weekends). It is a seasonal biz and is kicking in now, so we'll see if it pays off. But point is, I bust my tail to try and make the extras. I am not satisfied with just the regular day job, that does make ends meet and more, but I like to push the envelope.

Plus my plan is that if the side biz pays off big enough, I can quit the day job and start to work as an independent in that profession, as opposed to working for someone and taking the pay check. Working as an indy in my field, I could make 10 times more, but its tough to get established, and I can't just "quit" the day job and wait for it to work as an indy. So the side biz has to work first. Then I will actually start a 3rd biz (film and video production) which I love and am great at, but don't currently have the time to make it fly. Point is, there are those out here like me that bust it at both ends to make extra cash for the family. If your DH isn't trying, bust him out about it, and use those that do as examples.

I have friends that barely make ends meet with their measley only day jobs. And they don't lift a finger to try and better themselves, look for better paying jobs, don't even think about doing any entreprenuing (sp) and are just content to sit back and collect that $10 bucks an hour I can't even fathom taking that mind set.

 

[SNylund]

I believe your DH is in a depression.

It also seems that your marriage was a rocky one with you holding mild resentment against him that you were able to keep at bay when he had a paycheck. Now that his is contributing nothing that resentment has bubbled to the top and is coming out in a destructive way for you, your DH and your marriage.

Now is not the time to try to change him, that time was 14 years ago. You need to support him and slowly get him to see he needs to help. Hitting him and leaving to do list will not work.

If you DH asked for a note then write on otherwise it looks like you are treating him like the useless man he now sees himself as. You are reinforcing his "self speak" by your actions.

This is the defining moment in your marriage and you are not steeping up and meeting the challenge.

How old are the kids? If they are school age then they are old enough to throw out soda cans, put the dishes in the dishwasher (maybe not the best way but their best way), take out the trash and like jobs.

If they are too young for school then WHO is watching them while he sleeps all day?

I respectfully disagree. I think its up to her DH to get off of his lazy you know what and make things happen. If he has a family he has a responsibility to them and himself to bring in the bacon. There is no excuse to just sit around moping and playing Play Station 3, like poor me. Get out and make things happen, if you can't find a job, start a business. I have a Playstation and don't ever play it because I am too busy working on all of my business stuff.

You have to really hustle in life to make anything out of yourself. Those that sit by get run over. Its tough to make a reasonable living these days, even when you have a professional degree like me. Its not enough IMO to just kick back and collect an easy paycheck or unemployment check and hope that something will just fall in your lap. At least with my luck nothing has ever just fallen in my lap. I have had to fight, kick and scratch for every morsel. Its a tough cold cruel world. And its not easy to get ahead. A person has to really make it happen. He should understand and respect that and at least give it an effort. If it were me and I was supporting someone unemployed that had no desire to do anything but play Playstation 3 all day, ahhhh don't think so.

 

[3jsmommy]

I totally see where the OP is coming from - that would be frustrating!

Yet, I'm the non-working spouse in my marriage. Although I've been mainly a SAHM, I've worked 1/2 time for the last several years and on-call prior to that. This year I have NO job. We don't need the money to survive so it's not a huge thing, but it has REALLY affected me. I waste a lot of time sitting around spinning my wheels.

I'm going to try to explain how my brain is working. Other friends who are unemployed tell me they have felt similar things. Maybe this can help the OP understand and help her husband.

I'm managing to keep the house/kids going because those have been my normal responsibilities in the past. I'm also keeping up with my current volunteer work, but haven't committed to more. Here's why:

I made myself a list (I don't think dh doing it would have been appreciated, but I did try to put some stuff on it he would normally do) of "extras" that I now have time for. I am having trouble attacking that list. In my mind, if I accomplish the list I will have glaring emptiness looming before me. If I try to fill that time with taking on extra responsibilties, more volunteer work, etc. then it's like admitting to myself I'm not getting a job. I also am putting off dieting and self improvement type things because I think "I know I have time right now to concentrate on me but I won't be able to hack another failure right now." So I'm still wallowing and spinning my wheels a bit. I can see what I'm doing, but if it were worse, I might not - like OP's dh might not.

I did fix the computer the other day, something I would have definitely made dh do if I wasn't home so bored, so I'm getting there. Thankfully, since I'm the one who does the most home stuff and I'm still keeping up my normal home responsibilities it isn't affecting my husband that much, but I do feel like he's wondering what I'm doing with myself while he's busy working.

OP's spouse isn't used to doing the household stuff, so it is probably part of his list of "extras" that may be part of his admitting he isn't working. Does that make sense?

Obviously, OP can't continue to run herself ragged while her dh sleeps - that won't be good for either of them. A long, loving conversation is in order. OP - I'd start with baby steps, let him know that his extra mess is making things harder for you. Start with that. Then, you can start renegotiating how you are going to handle everything based during his short-term unemployment and see if he can help lighten your load while he has extra time. Make sure he knows you will re-negotiate everything when he starts back to work. Good luck!

This is the best advice the op has gotten, you're very aware of your emotions. You gave the op some excellent insight to what may be going on.
Good luck with everything, it sounds like you know what you need to do to feel better soon!

 

[SaraJayne]

I respectfully disagree. I think its up to her DH to get off of his lazy you know what and make things happen. If he has a family he has a responsibility to them and himself to bring in the bacon. There is no excuse to just sit around moping and playing Play Station 3, like poor me. Get out and make things happen, if you can't find a job, start a business. I have a Playstation and don't ever play it because I am too busy working on all of my business stuff.

You have to really hustle in life to make anything out of yourself. Those that sit by get run over. Its tough to make a reasonable living these days, even when you have a professional degree like me. Its not enough IMO to just kick back and collect an easy paycheck or unemployment check and hope that something will just fall in your lap. At least with my luck nothing has ever just fallen in my lap. I have had to fight, kick and scratch for every morsel. Its a tough cold cruel world. And its not easy to get ahead. A person has to really make it happen. He should understand and respect that and at least give it an effort. If it were me and I was supporting someone unemployed that had no desire to do anything but play Playstation 3 all day, ahhhh don't think so.

IT'S BEEN NINE DAYS!!! For God's sake, give the man a break!!!

 

[Jason@dvcstore]

My DH has been glued to the couch ever since football season started. Oh, well, I feel your pain.

Tell him Sunday he gets TV from 1 pm EST to 11 pm EST and only gets 2 college games on Saturday. He can also have Monday Night Football from 8:30 to 11:30 pm. That leaves Monday to Friday almost all day except for Monday and some of Saturday and Sunday morning.

Tell him no more pre game shows or post game shows. Tell him to watch Mike and Mike in the morning on ESPN 2 while getting ready for work and he can't get all the info he needs besides the games.

Good luck to you.

Jason

 

[tink20]

Tell him Sunday he gets TV from 1 pm EST to 11 pm EST and only gets 2 college games on Saturday. He can also have Monday Night Football from 8:30 to 11:30 pm. That leaves Monday to Friday almost all day except for Monday and some of Saturday and Sunday morning.

Tell him no more pre game shows or post game shows. Tell him to watch Mike and Mike in the morning on ESPN 2 while getting ready for work and he can't get all the info he needs besides the games.

Good luck to you.

Jason

Thanks, I would say I would do this, but I know I won't, DH works, and I am a SAHM. He would probably look at me like I was crazy. So I'll just hang in there until Jan. or whenever football season is over. LOL!

 

[KAMKIM]

UPDATE - DH had a long talk this morning and maybe he "gets" it...maybe... If you want to offer suggestions/support/your own story - please I need to hear these things right now, if not...move on to the next post. If I had posted this 6 months from now, the response I would have gotten would be - you should have nipped this in the butt in the beginning. If you think I am a mean/horrible/soon to be single mom - I honestly dont care.

Those who matter dont mind, and those who mind dont matter.

So I came home from work today and found a semi clean house and dinner being started.

 

[maxiesmom]

UPDATE - DH had a long talk this morning and maybe he "gets" it...maybe... If you want to offer suggestions/support/your own story - please I need to hear these things right now, if not...move on to the next post. If I had posted this 6 months from now, the response I would have gotten would be - you should have nipped this in the butt in the beginning. If you think I am a mean/horrible/soon to be single mom - I honestly dont care.

Thats the thing about posting on a public message board. Not everyone will agree with you, and there is no way to force them to. And no law that says they can't post either.

I don't think you are horrible, but I do think you should give your hubby time to think things thru. And one week was not a huge amount of time to deal with a life altering event. You sound more like you are talking about one of your children, not your husband. You are supposed to be partners, remember?

 

[dollydell]

No, I am pretty sure that if you came here and said the same thing 6 months from now they would have said you should have given him at least 2 weeks to wallow a bit, then if he hasn't started doing more, and you did say he had been doing some even if you think it isn't enough, then to talk with him and if it doesn't work then try and get him help as he is probably depressed.

 

[wdwfan16]

I respectfully disagree. I think its up to her DH to get off of his lazy you know what and make things happen. If he has a family he has a responsibility to them and himself to bring in the bacon. There is no excuse to just sit around moping and playing Play Station 3, like poor me. Get out and make things happen, if you can't find a job, start a business. I have a Playstation and don't ever play it because I am too busy working on all of my business stuff.

You have to really hustle in life to make anything out of yourself. Those that sit by get run over. Its tough to make a reasonable living these days, even when you have a professional degree like me. Its not enough IMO to just kick back and collect an easy paycheck or unemployment check and hope that something will just fall in your lap. At least with my luck nothing has ever just fallen in my lap. I have had to fight, kick and scratch for every morsel. Its a tough cold cruel world. And its not easy to get ahead. A person has to really make it happen. He should understand and respect that and at least give it an effort. If it were me and I was supporting someone unemployed that had no desire to do anything but play Playstation 3 all day, ahhhh don't think so.

Maybe turning to swinging is the answer.

 

[MaumeeMom]

PARTIAL
I totally see where the OP is coming from - that would be frustrating!
...
I made myself a list (I don't think dh doing it would have been appreciated, but I did try to put some stuff on it he would normally do) of "extras" that I now have time for. I am having trouble attacking that list. In my mind, if I accomplish the list I will have glaring emptiness looming before me. If I try to fill that time with taking on extra responsibilties, more volunteer work, etc. then it's like admitting to myself I'm not getting a job. I also am putting off dieting and self improvement type things because I think "I know I have time right now to concentrate on me but I won't be able to hack another failure right now." So I'm still wallowing and spinning my wheels a bit. I can see what I'm doing, but if it were worse, I might not - like OP's dh might not.
...
OP's spouse isn't used to doing the household stuff, so it is probably part of his list of "extras" that may be part of his admitting he isn't working. Does that make sense?

Well said.

Tell him Sunday he gets TV from 1 pm EST to 11 pm EST and only gets 2 college games on Saturday. He can also have Monday Night Football from 8:30 to 11:30 pm. That leaves Monday to Friday almost all day except for Monday and some of Saturday and Sunday morning.

Tell him no more pre game shows or post game shows. Tell him to watch Mike and Mike in the morning on ESPN 2 while getting ready for work and he can't get all the info he needs besides the games.

Good luck to you.

Jason

Seriously? I hope that this is a joke and just came out wrong.

The man is an adult, an equal, regardless of his working status. Spouses should not "tell" each other what they can and cannot do. I know that this would not go over well in our household (from either one of us).