Laid off DH is getting lazy AND crabby...Update he's going for a job interview

[kaytieeldr]

Unless you have "been there / done that" you cannot imagine how frustrating it is to walk-in after working all day and seeing your DH w/his face stuck in the computer/head phones on...dirty dishes and crumbs/stickiness all of the counter, piles of dirty laundry in the laundry room and your kids asking you "What's for dinner Mom?"...umm?...anyone think of asking Dad?

Conversely, unless one has "been there / done that", one cannot imagine how devastating and depressing it is to lose one's job. As for nobody thinking to ask out-of-work Dad what's for dinner, well, that's just conditioning. TELL the kids to start asking him, or perhaps the kids who can cook can prepare dinner?

Passive/agressive behavior by the spouse of a person recently laid off is ineffective and self-defeating. Instead, TALK with the laid off spouse. Be honest. Leaving a list is avoidance and can give the recipient the impression they're nothing more than an errand runner. This can be especially hard to handle immediately after losing one's job - a job that is likely much of one's identity.

It's been NINE DANGED DAYS since the OP's husband was let go from his job - a mere FIVE workdays. Yes, jobhunting should be a full-time job - but please, first give the man time to grieve.

 

[teriyaki]

OK, I only read pages 1 and 6 of this thread, but back to the whole toe-painting notion, my husband wouldn't notice that.

However, I often find myself daydreaming about what I could do with one of those compressed air nail guns. Now THAT would get a person's attention. Or maybe leave a spike strip on the couch--you know, the kind the police put down in a car chase?

Sometimes I find it helps just imagining...

Best of luck to both of you.

 

[~Kik-Kik~]

I don't know you, your husband, or the situation personally so I really can't judge, but this is my opinion from the first post.

You just need to be less aggressive and more caring, then work your way up to kicking him in the butt. Don't baby him any means but don't be so demanding when he is obviously hurting either.

I'm sorry that he's in such a rut, hopefully he gets out of it soon. Maybe there is something you can do to cheer him up?

 

[KAMKIM]

OK, I only read pages 1 and 6 of this thread, but back to the whole toe-painting notion, my husband wouldn't notice that.

However, I often find myself daydreaming about what I could do with one of those compressed air nail guns. Now THAT would get a person's attention. Or maybe leave a spike strip on the couch--you know, the kind the police put down in a car chase?

Sometimes I find it helps just imagining...

Best of luck to both of you.

I like the way you think

 

[kaytieeldr]

We've been together since my freshman year of high school, 14 years to be exact - no I would not leave him over this. Nor do I seriously want to hurt him (well okay maybe a little) I want him to understand that if I were the one feeling depressed and sleeping all day he'd be lost/pissed.

So you do agree or realize he's depressed? He's also probably upset that he currently does not have the ability to financially support his family. While these are both easy states of mind/conditions into which one can fall, they're NOT easy to "snap out of".

Since you need him to do things around the house, you need to TELL him. Use words. Have a conversation. Don't leave him lists. Communicate. Listen to him.

 

[teriyaki]

Oh, I have more where these came from, KamKim, but I thought I'd check back from time to time and ration my loving ideas so that you don't wear yourself out!

I find old pinata sticks to be useful in a pinch. Speaking of "in a pinch", tongs can also be helpful in gaining the attention of those near and dear.

 

[Ilike2Lurk]

I want him to understand that if I were the one feeling depressed and sleeping all day he'd be lost/pissed.

That is really sad that you two don't support each other when sick

Why even be with somebody if you get "pissed" when they have an illness?

I couldn't even imagine living that kind of life

 

[KAMKIM]

That is really sad that you two don't support each other when sick

Why even be with somebody if you get "pissed" when they have an illness?

I couldn't even imagine living that kind of life

Seriously for the love of Jesus.....I was not saying depressed in a clinical sense...YES IF HE HAD CANCER THE SITUATION WOULD BE DIFFERENT.

He is not depressed as in not happy with his life...he is depressed as in BORED/LAZY. Big difference!!!!!! He isn't sleeping all day because he is depressed he is sleeping all day because he is playing video games all night! We have 2 small kids - that is unacceptable!

Feel sorry for me all you want - it makes most of you feel better about your lives anyways.

 

[Pugsley]

We have people criticizing the OP for telling her husband what to do (i.e. leaving a list) and we have other people criticizing her for not telling him exactly what to do. You just can’t win here! BTW, it is absurd to me that people think he has to be told that he should help around the house when he is laying around 24/7 and his wife is working full-time and taking care of the house & kids. Do you really think men are that clueless?

As a PP said, why can’t he mourn while running the vacuum cleaner? Is it really necessary to sleep all day? If he is clinically depressed he needs to see a doctor and get help. If not, he needs to at least help out a little. I can understand giving him a little time to adjust before getting angry at him, but just how long is enough time? He’s had a week. Does he need a month? Six months?

OP, don’t mind the haters here! Some of us have a sense of humor and can see where you’re coming from. I wish the ones who don’t could at least express their opinion in a constructive way without trying to make you feel like a horrible person. But I really think they just enjoy making people feel bad; I guess misery loves company.

 

[KAMKIM]

We have people criticizing the OP for telling her husband what to do (i.e. leaving a list) and we have other people criticizing her for not telling him exactly what to do. You just can’t win here! BTW, it is absurd to me that people think he has to be told that he should help around the house when he is laying around 24/7 and his wife is working full-time and taking care of the house & kids. Do you really think men are that clueless?

As a PP said, why can’t he mourn while running the vacuum cleaner? Is it really necessary to sleep all day? If he is clinically depressed he needs to see a doctor and get help. If not, he needs to at least help out a little. I can understand giving him a little time to adjust before getting angry at him, but just how long is enough time? He’s had a week. Does he need a month? Six months?

OP, don’t mind the haters here! Some of us have a sense of humor and can see where you’re coming from. I wish the ones who don’t could at least express their opinion in a constructive way without trying to make you feel like a horrible person. But I really think they just enjoy making people feel bad; I guess misery loves company.

Thank you, I am beginning to see it's a losing battle. I am just really exhausted and overwhelmed.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

Thank you, I am beginning to see it's a losing battle. I am just really exhausted and overwhelmed.

I'm with you OP. I couldn't imagine working full-time while my husband sat on his butt playing video games or sleeping all day.

Some people on here say , "be supportive of him", yea right, you are the one working your butt off, how about if he is a little supportive of what you are doing for him and the family.

I would be very angry and exactly in your set of mind. IMOP, if he is not working he needs to pick up the slack at home. Why should you have to do twice te work? Sorry compassion and understanding would only go so far for me, especially if I was exhausted from working full-time, cleaning, cooking and being the chauffeur. Resentment would set in real quick.

Good Luck!

 

[MaumeeMom]

I haven't had a chance to read this whole thread but I did want to post a little bit about my experience to give the OP my perspective.

A few years ago, I lost my job. I had worked full time at the same place with many of the same people for 17 years. It was towards the end of the school year and my DS#1 was in kindergarten w/ before and after school care which I had him continue as I didn't want to mess up his routine and take him from his friends.

In the beginning I was lost. I felt overwhelmed and did become depressed. I slept in and watched movies and surfed the net, all aimlessly. Even though I had had a ft job, I had been responsible for 90% of the housework. Suddenly, I had all this time but got less done. It is hard to describe the feeling of looking around and having so much to do that you don't know what to do first so everything got put off. The guilt of not contributing to the household was paralyzing.

OP, if it has only been a week or two, try to give your DH a break. Sometimes change is hard to do. Be honest with him and let him know how you feel but really, it has been a very short time, give him a chance to adjust. I wouldn't present him with a list but maybe when you talk come up with one together.

I finally sat down with a friend who was a SAHM and talked about her schedule. This helped me devise one of my own and was really helpful. Monday is full cleaning day - change bed linens, vacuum, dust, etc. Tuesday is clutter day, Wednesday is shopping, etc. etc. Maybe you and your DH could come up with a schedule together. I know my DH does better when things are written down so maybe this would help yours as well.

I know that this won't happen with your DH but my situation became more complicated when I got pregnant and had a hard time (very sick) and then lost my mom when DS#2 was only a few months old. I ended up with full blown PPD. I tell you this because no one around me took notice of the signs and I did not get the help I needed in a timely manner.

OP, please read up on the signs of depression and keep your eyes open because your DH won't see it himself if he does become depressed and it can happen to anyone.

Good luck, I hope that things work out for you.

 

[Kika]

I'm also with you OP; I get what you're saying.

Sure losing a job is probably hard on him, but it's hard on you, too.

Having to do everything (work, house, bills, childcare, etc.) when you have two little ones can be exhausting. I don't think it's too much for you to expect your DH to do his share, or at least someting around the house, even if he is not feeling great. Like others have said, when you have young kids, life goes on whether you are depressed or not. Kids still need to be fed, laundry still needs to be done, crumbs still need to be wiped off the counter, etc.

I hope things get better for you and that your DH finds another job soon.

 

[KAMKIM]

I'm also with you OP; I get what you're saying.

Sure losing a job is probably hard on him, but it's hard on you, too.

Having to do everything (work, house, bills, childcare, etc.) when you have two little ones can be exhausting. I don't think it's too much for you to expect your DH to do his share, or at least someting around the house, even if he is not feeling great. Like others have said, when you have young kids, life goes on whether you are depressed or not. Kids still need to be fed, laundry still needs to be done, crumbs still need to be wiped off the counter, etc.

I hope things get better for you and that your DH finds another job soon.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Thank you, I am beginning to see it's a losing battle. I am just really exhausted and overwhelmed.

Well, respectfully - tell HIM that. Venting here is fine, but as you know you'll get a range of responses. He just lost his job. That's a devastating blow to one's identity, well-being, and yes, mental health. TELL HIM you're exhausted and overwhelmed and that he needs to take over the housework you were doing when you were both working. Do you mind if I ask why you're exhausted and overwhelmed now, but you weren't two weeks ago when he was still working?

Oh, and keep in mind, his housework may not be up to your standards. Please do NOT criticize.

 

[KAMKIM]

Well, respectfully - tell HIM that. Venting here is fine, but as you know you'll get a range of responses. He just lost his job. That's a devastating blow to one's identity, well-being, and yes, mental health. TELL HIM you're exhausted and overwhelmed and that he needs to take over the housework you were doing when you were both working. Do you mind if I ask why you're exhausted and overwhelmed now, but you weren't two weeks ago when he was still working?

Oh, and keep in mind, his housework may not be up to your standards. Please do NOT criticize.

I have told him I am exhausted/overwhelmed, when that didn't work I wrote him a list of things he could do to help me. I have never criticized his housework. I would take ANY amount of help over this....whose to say I wasn't overwhelmed or exhausted two weeks ago? Is it possible to have 2 kids work full time and NOT be overwhelmed/exhausted? I have more work to do now...before when we were both at work my house was the way it was when I left,...now I am coming home to a house that looks like 10 3 year olds played there all day....dirty dishes all over, wrappers laying around, pillows and blankets on the couch, empty pop cans/bottles in every room etc.

 

[Ilike2Lurk]

now I am coming home to a house that looks like 10 3 year olds played there all day....dirty dishes all over, wrappers laying around, pillows and blankets on the couch, empty pop cans/bottles in every room etc.

Was he always a filthy person?

If not, he really may have a clinical depression.

Most clean and functioning adults do not behave like this. He has some mental issues going on right now.

 

[wvjules]

I would start taking care of everything like I were a single mom. Because if I were your DH your disdain of me, coupled with treating me like a child, that's what you would be soon.

 

[KAMKIM]

I would start taking care of everything like I were a single mom. Because if I were your DH your disdain of me, coupled with treating me like a child, that's what you would be soon.

Thanks for the support

 

[poohlover]

KAMKIM I have debated for days about adding my thoughts but I have to.

I totally understand how you feel, my DH was forced out of a family business last Dec. He had never been given an option for his future than the family business. So he has never had to look for a job. He lost his sense of self with the loss of the job, (I totally understand what others have said in regard to this), as well as the many family issues that have gone along with this. I knew he needed time to figure everything out. But we are quickly coming up on a year now.

He has been lost, I am trying to support his decision to take time and figure out what he wants to/can do for a future job.

I on the other hand had just in the past 3 year returned to finish my BS so I could persue a MS in Divinity. Well as we have 2 in college this year, my dream is gone (for now) and I am returning to nursing.

By the end of the month I will be able to look for a job in nursing, after being home for 20 years with kids while my DH traveled in his job.

I am sorry for my DH, but I am angry and hurt over what this has done to my plans. I am upset that my younger 3 children will not have me around as much as the older 3 did. I know this will help them be more responsible and mature...but it stinks right now. I keep hoping that in a few years I may be able to go back for my MS...but who knows where we will be then.

I agree that depression is a valid concern, I have voiced my own concerns to my DH who quickly discounts them. I hope you can keep open communications with your husband as this will help if you both know "where" you each are. my DH hates to talk...thus some of my problems.

No magic answer, just know that there are a lot of us out there that understand. And venting here is a good method of getting out some of your feelings.

Best of luck!