Just a rant about ungrateful relatives….

[Wendy31]

I don't disagree about rude and already said I didn't agree with the young and dumb part, what I'm trying to say is if everyone around you did this and that for you, if everyone around you paid for your vacations, it's all you know and it often isn't rude to that person in their minds, we think it's rude because we were taught or just naturally did this and that. Clearly the bride thinks others will pick up her slack in costs and guess what others are. Is that the bride's fault entirely?

Sometime there's no point in assigning such harsh motives on people without care to what their reasons may be or without truly knowing if their motives were xyz. You don't have to excuse their behavior though, I guess you think understanding or holding off on the torches is excusing. For me I'm just trying to think about it in different ways. I do personally think one can think of something as rude, tsking someone's audacity and at the same time be like "hmm well maybe there are reasons why" or "wonder if they thought this".

ETA based on your ETA.

You'll want to see my sister-in-law for that, married and divorced by her mid-20s. She was always wanting to be an adult for so many years. Her parents unfortunately didn't equip her with the full understanding of what that means. And consequences have ensued. Largely financial I might add. I wish that when people got married they were full adults, I personally believe if you're adult to get married you're adult enough to do a lot of things but alas real world doesn't seem to always work like that. But then again you're talking to someone who thinks couples need to pay for their own weddings and honeymoons. If they had they would have gotten a much different wedding and honeymoon but hey then this drama would have been avoided

As a former educator, as someone who’s worked w/ kids & young adults in a variety of different roles, & as a parent (even though, from some of your posts, I’m aware you’re not too much of a fan when people throw out the “I’m a parent” card), I actually do agree w/ you.

Most of the time, there are reasons & extenuating circumstances for people’s behavior - good, bad, or otherwise. And, if we’re being gracious & understanding, we both recognize & allow for that - to a certain extent.

Looking to the reason for the behavior absolutely matters. Kindness matters.

However, sometimes, we, as a society, go too far & let those reasons & extenuating circumstances become an excuse & even an allowance for rude and/or bad behavior.

And then it becomes not so much a kindness anymore.

Trying to understand the behavior or reasons for the behavior is a gracious thing, but allowing it to become the excuse for the rude or bad behavior, in the end, is not really a kindness - and I’m not saying this is what you’re doing. After all, we don’t even know the bride.

And regarding your ETA to my ETA -

I was being a little sarcastic when I said the bride was “evidently adult enough to get marrried.” ;-) I’m fully aware that there A LOT of people out there who aren’t yet fully “adult” when they get married - heck, I was 21, & my husband was 22 when we got married. And, although we were technically adults, we were, in reality, babies & far from being truly adult. We had a lot to learn & a ways to go before we became mature adults - we’re still learning which is one thing that makes life so beautiful!

 

[RogueX]

Not a relative but a coworker actually showed a bit of an ungrateful side, which surprised me because she really had always been appreciative of so much over the years.

I had an airline credit that I could use to book travel for someone else within a years time. It would have covered flights for 2 people Boston to Orlando easily at that time and I knew how much this coworker and her sister wanted to take a trip to Disney for a few days and add a few days to Universal. I swear, my jaw dropped when I offered her the credit and she asked if I was going to pay for the rest too (she wasn't joking). I pointed out the reason I was offering this up to her, but I was not funding her vacation. She was very pouty after that, so I rescinded the offer.

Truly, no good deed goes unpunished...

 

[brockash]

A second cousin of mine is getting married this summer. She’s always wanted to honeymoon in Disney so we gifted her some of our DVC points, enough for a week in a GF studio. (We usually rent these out so we’re taking a bit of a hit giving them away). But apparently that wasn’t enough because a week ago she contacted me, saying they can’t really afford park tickets and there’s no point in going without them. Could we get their tickets too?? I said no, but my gullible parents said they’d buy the tickets for them as a wedding present. So fast forward to this morning, I get a text from the bride (group text with her my parents and me) “is it possible to add another 3 days to the reservation? We want to do Universal too, so we need more time. Also if we get the extra days we will need universal tickets. If you guys can’t help with those I’ll ask someone else” I absolutely can’t believe the audacity. Part of me wants to cancel her reservation and rescind our offer. She also has a wedding website where she has a place for people to donate money to her honeymoon. I think she thinks that we’re “rich” (which is laughable) and can easily afford it, and she seems to feel entitled. When I offered the DVC points I thought she’d be so excited but she seemed like she expected it. I’m so angry.

Wow....pls tell me you said no to the extra days. So completely insane!

 

[AppleDumpling]

Wow, your cousin was definitely trying to take advantage of your generosity, and that of your parents. I think you handled it well, OP.

If your relationship suffers because of this, that’s on her. Perhaps being called out on her sense of entitlement will lead to some self-reflection and insight into the importance of gratitude.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

However, sometimes, we, as a society, go too far & let those reasons & extenuating circumstances become an excuse & even an allowance for rude and/or bad behavior.

Def. which is why I said enabling behaviors and that you don't get there overnight. But putting a stop to enabling doesn't come with pitchforks and torches and that's where my differing opinions lie. My blame would lie primarily on the people who got that person to where they are at. Doesn't mean you don't get tough love from me but also doesn't mean I call you all the names in the book either.

I remember when my sister-in-law had agreed to do our hair for the wedding, she loved doing hair but when the pressure (that was of her own making truly because we were not fussy in the least about the style) got to her she wanted to back out and broke down crying. I talked to her and told her it was too late for me to hire a person just several days before the wedding and she had agreed, given me her promise and word to do it. We talked about her nervousness about getting it just right and I assured her it will all look great. In her life she had been told it's okay to just quit it's fine, no biggie, promises of following through were shrugged off more often than not. Her mom was encouraging her to quit Arby's for example because standing was "just too hard". Here I come in and while being firm and gentle I hold her to her promise. If it was one that truly couldn't be kept different story but this wasn't a situation where I'm not going to continue the cycle just because others have. I have no say or control nor is it my place on many other things with respect to her but that was one instance where I could.

She wasn't entitled nor bratty, she had just been used to be treated a certain way. Spoiled? I mean yes in a sense but not in an awful way. Ungrateful? Well I was paying for her dress, her jewelry, her shoes and her dinner at my bachelorette party but I knew her enough to know she wasn't truly ungrateful for that stuff she just had no concept of what that stuff costs or what goes into planning a wedding (like a person backing out with a few days before the wedding is one of the worst things that can happen). Rude? well yeah rude in that she was backing out without consideration to what that would mean for me but not rude because she has ill intent.

Of course bride in the OP's case could be drastically different here and be exactly the person most think she is, I just tend to prefer not to go to that immediately, that's my personal way of looking at it though.

 

[Pink Partridge]

But apparently that wasn’t enough because a week ago she contacted me, saying they can’t really afford park tickets and there’s no point in going without them. Could we get their tickets too??

I truly have started dismissing people like this from my life. I have no use for this kind of behavior from adults.

 

[iuki]

Sounds like the 'idea' of a Disney honeymoon is taking over the reality of the cost/details of an actual honeymoon! Your offer was incredibly generous. If parents are going to pay for park tickets, that's amazing and then things could still work. Any other additions are on the newlyweds. If they balk at that, you might still have time to rent the points instead, and buy a new toaster oven for the reception....!

I’m usually a very forgiving and understanding person. However, my inclination would be to cancel the reservations, sell the points, and tell the bride that you made a mistake and forgot that you already sold your points last year. Sorry, but not sorry.

 

[iuki]

Sounds like the 'idea' of a Disney honeymoon is taking over the reality of the cost/details of an actual honeymoon! Your offer was incredibly generous. If parents are going to pay for park tickets, that's amazing and then things could still work. Any other additions are on the newlyweds. If they balk at that, you might still have time to rent the points instead, and buy a new toaster oven for the reception....!

I think she sounds rude and entitled. I wouldn't give her the value of $1.00 more of anything.

I'm sorry. I'm old. I cannot stand when the bride & groom put "Money for Honeymoon". Drives me nuts.
If you can't afford a Honeymoon, don't go on one or save to go a few years later. (What we did, though many years ago. Still feel the same today, however.).

When my husband and I got married, we didn’t go on a honeymoon because we couldn’t afford it. We didn’t go until two years later. However, on our wedding night, his cousin told us she made a reservation for us to stay at a hotel. We were so appreciative and thanked her profusely. However, when we checked out the next morning, we discovered she made the reservation but we had to pay for it.

 

[lorimt]

Wow! Just wow! Your offer was very generous and I can't believe she asked for more. Even if the points cost you absolutely nothing, asking for you to buy the tickets as well is presumptuous and rude! Disney tickets aren't exactly cheap and pretty much everyone knows that. Coming back and asking for more days AND Universal tickets shows that she, in the words of Leslie Jordan, ain't got no class.

 

[VandVsmama]

A second cousin of mine is getting married this summer. She’s always wanted to honeymoon in Disney so we gifted her some of our DVC points, enough for a week in a GF studio. (We usually rent these out so we’re taking a bit of a hit giving them away). But apparently that wasn’t enough because a week ago she contacted me, saying they can’t really afford park tickets and there’s no point in going without them. Could we get their tickets too?? I said no, but my gullible parents said they’d buy the tickets for them as a wedding present. So fast forward to this morning, I get a text from the bride (group text with her my parents and me) “is it possible to add another 3 days to the reservation? We want to do Universal too, so we need more time. Also if we get the extra days we will need universal tickets. If you guys can’t help with those I’ll ask someone else” I absolutely can’t believe the audacity. Part of me wants to cancel her reservation and rescind our offer. She also has a wedding website where she has a place for people to donate money to her honeymoon. I think she thinks that we’re “rich” (which is laughable) and can easily afford it, and she seems to feel entitled. When I offered the DVC points I thought she’d be so excited but she seemed like she expected it. I’m so angry.

I haven't read the 4 pgs of replies yet.

You've already been very generous with gifting her a week's stay in a GF studio. I just did a quick look on WDW's website and for 7 nights paying cash (not DVC points) at a GF studio in mid-June next year, it's $6000 including tax. $860/night.

What she's basically asking for now is for you to give her another $2500 for her honeymoon.

The answer should be no. You can be polite about it. Something like "So sorry, but we don't have any more points available other than the ones already allocated for your trip. Hope you have an amazing time!"

And you know what? If she really wants to go to Universal, she can figure it out on her own. Get a 2nd part time job working at Target or something to make some extra money. Or skip Universal. Or spend 1 day at Universal at some point during the free week's stay that you've already given her.

Her sense of entitlement is large.

 

[Lumpy1106]

I have a cousin who basically had a "gofundme" set up for their wedding gifts. You could help pay for the wedding, the photographer, all different parts of the honeymoon, etc. in lieu of gifts. I have slightly more respect for that than what OP went through - but just barely. My cousin and his wife have also been travelling practically the whole time since they got married. They have jobs that allow this flexibility so good for them I guess, but jobs like that also don't come with health benefits or retirement savings. Not hoping for it, but you know the other shoe is going to drop eventually. Not sticking around to see if they set up another gofundme.

 

[jo-jo]

To the OP, Is there any chance last min things going wrong and they decide not to go to disney, and you'll be stuck with points in holding.

 

[KayMichigan]

Well, she asked a question, so just give her an answer: "No, it's not possible."

 

[princesscinderella]

I’d say sure, buts it’s based on what’s available and book them the 10 days in a studio at old key west, which is still cheaper than the week at GF and get some points back. They can have fun riding the buses instead of the monorail.

 

[RoseGold]

I booked a generous and awesome DVC room for a family who had always wanted to go to Disney. Hundreds of points. They canceled on me a couple months out, which is last minute by DVC standards. It put me in a terrible position.

They said they weren't able to afford the tickets, and thus they couldn't go. It's the only way to refuse the gift. And it was true, and tickets are really, really expensive. I had put them in a terrible position too.

It impacted the relationship. And completely destroyed my DVC fantasy of being so generous and giving such a generous gift -- it became a burden because they just couldn't afford it. They weren't wrong, it was just a bad situation all around. It's like buying the dress, when they can't afford to go to the ball.

I sympathize with this position that she might just really not be able to afford it, but she wants you to pay for the ball and for the ball next door, LOL.

 

[DVCjj]

When my husband and I got married, we didn’t go on a honeymoon because we couldn’t afford it. We didn’t go until two years later. However, on our wedding night, his cousin told us she made a reservation for us to stay at a hotel. We were so appreciative and thanked her profusely. However, when we checked out the next morning, we discovered she made the reservation but we had to pay for it.

Didn’t mean to put the Like icon. I touched by mistake. Wow on you having to pay. Oh my.

 

[mom2rtk]

Just wait until she finds out about Genie+........

 

[starry_solo]

This sounds like it could be a Reddit AITA post that will find its way to a "news" article on the internet

 

[HopperFan]

A second cousin of mine is getting married this summer. She’s always wanted to honeymoon in Disney so we gifted her some of our DVC points, enough for a week in a GF studio. (We usually rent these out so we’re taking a bit of a hit giving them away). But apparently that wasn’t enough because a week ago she contacted me, saying they can’t really afford park tickets and there’s no point in going without them. Could we get their tickets too?? I said no, but my gullible parents said they’d buy the tickets for them as a wedding present. So fast forward to this morning, I get a text from the bride (group text with her my parents and me) “is it possible to add another 3 days to the reservation? We want to do Universal too, so we need more time. Also if we get the extra days we will need universal tickets. If you guys can’t help with those I’ll ask someone else” I absolutely can’t believe the audacity. Part of me wants to cancel her reservation and rescind our offer. She also has a wedding website where she has a place for people to donate money to her honeymoon. I think she thinks that we’re “rich” (which is laughable) and can easily afford it, and she seems to feel entitled. When I offered the DVC points I thought she’d be so excited but she seemed like she expected it. I’m so angry.

Well ... I know you are staying committed but I can tell you what I would have done.

Without any discussion with anyone I would have cancelled their reservation and immediately put my points up for rent. I would have then made a donation to their honeymoon fund. Certainly not what the DVC was worth but what I would normally give for a wedding gift. I would then have sent her a message that " ... you are sorry but you were notified that your points were not an option this coming year, and so you made a donation to their honeymoon fund. They can now book a hotel between WDW and Universal of their choosing, which would make it easier for them anyway."

I responded to the bride that we’ve done all we could for her and I hope she’s able to have a great vacation. It was hard to be so polite lol. I also told her that food and souvenirs are quite expensive so she should start saving for that. I told her if she feels overwhelmed with cost or feels like she won’t be able to afford what she’ll have to put out for this trip I’ll happily cancel the reservation and get her something else for her wedding. My mother told me the bride told her that she thought since we didn’t put any money out for the points she didn’t think her requests were unreasonable. She clearly doesn’t understand DVC. So I gave her the amount I paid for dues this year and the total I paid for the points she’ll be using and what she’d pay if she rented them and a quote of direct from Disney. That seems to have shut her up. I hope this doesn’t effect our relationship and this is the last time I’ll ever do something so nice for her again.

You are a better person than me. I have learned over the years of being used over and over by close family members with a smile on their face .. that the best option is not extend yourself like this. I'm much happier now with boundaries.

I’m usually a very forgiving and understanding person. However, my inclination would be to cancel the reservations, sell the points, and tell the bride that you made a mistake and forgot that you already sold your points last year. Sorry, but not sorry.

Exactly my thought.

And I'm sorry I do not accept any kind of ignorance over not knowing the value of this gift. This isn't a condo or home the OP owns. This is a timeshare at a Disney Resort. OBVIOUSLY this involves money spent by OP. Obviously this is an expensive and generous gift. The only further conversation the bride should have had was profuse thanks, not asking for more nights.

 

[Lilsia]

When my husband and I got married, we didn’t go on a honeymoon because we couldn’t afford it. We didn’t go until two years later. However, on our wedding night, his cousin told us she made a reservation for us to stay at a hotel. We were so appreciative and thanked her profusely. However, when we checked out the next morning, we discovered she made the reservation but we had to pay for it.

Nooo! Who does that?! I would have been pissed. Some people have the common sense of a goat.