Is your spouse ok with you being alone with the opposite sex?

[castleview]

My spouse would have no problem with it, but I would never put myself in that position to get rumors started.

I'm on the parks commission and deal with one particular guy all the time. Good guy. We're friends with each other's families. If I have to meet him at the park to meet a contractor or go over somethings, I do. But sometimes if I feel it's been too long, we're the only ones there or it just doesn't feel right - I finish up and move on. He is also married with kids, but I'm sensitive about starting rumors. Plus I don't want to do anything to endanger my marriage. What you're doing is kind of pushing it imo. If I had that much time to hang out with someone else, I'd be rethinking my life.

 

[2disneyboys]

To me it's all about "intimacy" I have no problems w/ DH having friends & spending time with them, just as he has no problems w/ me spending time with my friends. And we both have some opposite sex friends. However, I do not and will not have a friendship with an emotional intimacy stronger then the emotional intimacy I share with DH. I am pretty sure he feels the same, but I can't speak for him most people confuse intimacy with the physical aspects of an affair, but to me emotional intimacy is just as or even maybe more important then the physical intimacy aspect.

SO, OP, while yes, I do trust my DH, his friends, and he trusts me & mine, and we do spend some alone time w/ our friends, I honestly don't think either of us would be comfortable with the other sharing such a strong and constant emotional connection as you described. I don't know for sure though, as we have been together since we were teenagers, so while we both have childhood friends, we are also each other's childhood friend and have a very strong & tight bond. I've said it several times before on this board... We are best friends, we make each other better and when we are apart, even when I'm annoyed with him (which does happen!), I still can't wait to see him again.

The important thing is how you, your DH, your friend and his DW feel about all of this. As long as the 4 of you are ok (100%) with it, then I can't say it's wrong. Different? yes, but Different does not mean wrong. Just be careful. I have seen first hand how tramatic an affair within a close unit (Friends/extended family etc) effects everyone in this unit and if never fails that the 2 that commit the affair say "we never meant for this to happen..we were just friends and then..."

 

[ashley0139]

I can't imagine counting out half the population for friendship just because of their sex. I take issue with the idea that every man in an opposite sex friendship wants to sleep with the woman. I think that's thinking very lowly of men. What, they have no control?

Also this doesn't take into account a lot of things. I'm sure a husband would be okay if the friend the wife was hanging out with were gay. What about the husband's female friend? If he automatically wants to sleep with her because she's a woman, does that matter? If you're in a same sex relationship, are you not allowed to be friends with members of the same sex? That seems unrealistic.

I just can't imagine telling someone who they could and couldn't be friends with. Would not happen.

 

[kimblebee]

It's interesting to see all the different viewpoints whenever this subject comes up.

My best friend is a guy. We are coming up on 17 years of friendship this year. He is married and has 5 kids and I am in a relationship now after being divorced and alone for a long time. There has never been any fooling around and there never will be. A few years ago I asked him to act as my big brother and look out for me when I need it and he is doing a great job

I was his friend waaaay before his wife came along and I know she had a hard time accepting that we were just friends. She is fine with it now because we have hung out a few times and hopefully she sees I have NO interest in him that way. I personally don't know how she puts up with him LOL

My boyfriends best friend is a girl who he actually dated. I have no problem with it at all because I trust that there is nothing going on.

My friend lives out of town so we don't get to see each other as much any more. He comes over every 2 months I'd say. My daughter and boyfriend are gone for the night and he never brings his wife. It is our time to be together to talk and just hang out. I tell him pretty much everything and he tells me quite a bit too. We are just super close friends, thats it.

He was over last weekend, and before we came home for dinner we went to Canadian Tire and Safeway to do shopping. Didn't give it a second thought.

 

[Candleinthewind]

If I had that much time to hang out with someone else, I'd be rethinking my life.

So if you were a stay at home parent and your kids were gone all day at school, you would not have any friends during the day?

Who is someone who is a Dad going to hang out with since the majority of stay at home parents are female? It is also telling that some females will have very intimate and familiar talks with a female companion but somehow that is forbidden of the listener is a male. Interestingly neither of us share anything we would not also share with our respective spouses.

 

[Candleinthewind]

He was over last weekend, and before we came home for dinner we went to Canadian Tire and Safeway to do shopping. Didn't give it a second thought.

We are so routine that both the breakfast place and Chinese place we go to for lunch know exactly what we are going to order!

 

[chobie]

It depends. My husband had many female friends from work both married and single that I have had no problem with him spending alone time. However, last year his brother was dating this woman who was half our age and very attractive, and after they broke up she continued to email my husband. I did have a problem with that because he only met her a few times, had nothing in common with her and they were no more friendly than she and I were, yet she didn't email me. So, for that one anyway, I would have a problem with alone time.


I would never forbid my husband from contacting her but I told him it bothered me and he agreed if the tables were turned, it would bother him too.


Most of my male friends have been gay. So, it's not been an issue for my husband so far.

So, I guess it comes down to whether I feel like the woman is competition or not. So, not very enlightened, of me, but I feel how I feel.

 

[Buckalew11]

Not confirmed but we think at least half of the married female tennis players are all having affairs with other.

What?

 

[huskies90]

I think it is hard to decipher these sort of threads because there is so little context around it. Every case is going to be different and every relationship is different. As a person who was in a seeminly strong 18 year marriage only to find his spouse cheating on him with a male "friend", I will say that you may think you know someone but really, you never know. Many of the stories on here where "friends" make passes or end up becoming intimate together - emotionally or physically - is very common. On the other hand, situations where the friends are long time buddy's from yesteryear and it remains that way also happen all the time. In my case, as with many that end the way mine did, the friendship was only a symptom of many many other issues in the relationship - things like not having the same things in common or not wanting to do things together. As with everything, YMMV.

 

[nd5056]

We are so routine that both the breakfast place and Chinese place we go to for lunch know exactly what we are going to order!

and

So if you were a stay at home parent and your kids were gone all day at school, you would not have any friends during the day?

Who is someone who is a Dad going to hang out with since the majority of stay at home parents are female? It is also telling that some females will have very intimate and familiar talks with a female companion but somehow that is forbidden of the listener is a male. Interestingly neither of us share anything we would not also share with our respective spouses.

Based on the fact you started this thread, I think you're in emotional relationship with this guy, even if you don't realize it. And this thread is to reassure not you, but your spouse that "this is not what you think it is". But I think that the "line" has been crossed already...

.

 

[Candleinthewind]

Based on the fact you started this thread, I think you're in emotional relationship with this guy, even if you don't realize it. And this thread is to reassure not you, but your spouse that "this is not what you think it is". But I think that the "line" has been crossed already...

Nah. I was just skyping with my spouse who is out of town and who has no problem when I asked about it.

It is interesting that some people are not ok with it, but seriously that is what makes life so wonderful. We all are different!

 

[nd5056]

Nah. I was just skyping with my spouse who is out of town and who has no problem when I asked about it.

It is interesting that some people are not ok with it, but seriously that is what makes life so wonderful. We all are different!

Cool!

Many of my close circle of friends marriages ended up in divorce because of those "friendships" within the circle...

BTW, why did you ask in the first place?

Just being confused here...

.

 

[Candleinthewind]

Cool!

Many of my close circle of friends marriages ended up in divorce because of those "friendships" within the circle...

BTW, why did you ask in the first place?

Just being confused here...

.

One of my friend's friends said something yesterday evening at Bible study about it.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I can't imagine counting out half the population for friendship just because of their sex. I take issue with the idea that every man in an opposite sex friendship wants to sleep with the woman. I think that's thinking very lowly of men. What, they have no control?.

Just to clarify, there is a significant difference between having friends of the opposite sex and having one special friend of the opposite sex with whom you spend a great deal of time with one on one.

I won't weigh in on the debate except to say it does not appear anyone here has major concerns with the former, while many do have concerns with the latter.

 

[nd5056]

Thanks for satisfying my curiosity.

 

[Candleinthewind]

Just to clarify, there is a significant difference between having friends of the opposite sex and having one special friend of the opposite sex with whom you spend a great deal of time with one on one.

I won't weigh in on the debate except to say it does not appear anyone here has major concerns with the former, while many do have concerns with the latter.

And in this day in age, many who do have concerns with the latter should also feel that way if two people of the same sex spend a great deal of time one on one. JMOO

 

[moon]

I am a female and I've ALWAYS been better friends with guys than girls. DH learned this when we were dating (actually, probably before we were dating).

My best friend is a guy and we've been best friends since we were 3 years old. DH doesn't really like my bestie, but he understands that he's like a brother to me and that I would do ANYTHING for him, as he would for us. We've even talked about taking a trip together, just him and I. DH questioned this, and I told him that it would be much more enjoyable for me to do this than, say, take a trip with my sister (who I love, but we do not see eye to eye on many, many things). In the end, we never took a trip just him and I. After talking to DH about it, he said he would have been ok with it, minus what other people - like his mom, etc - thought.

He and I have seen each other through a lot of things, triumphs and tragedies. He's left work and driven 200 miles at 3am just to make sure I am ok and hug me in person.
To me, a friend is a friend, no matter their gender. If you have a true friend, hang onto them, because they are such a blessing! I had given up a couple of very serious relationships because they could not get over this friendship that I had with this guy... The way I looked at it was if they can't trust me on that, then there's nothing to build our relationship upon.

With DH, I think the thing that really made it ok for him was knowing that we weren't hiding anything. He could pop into our conversation or visits or whatever at any time. He knew that bestie and I have no boundaries, but that the thought of anything sexual between us repulses us both - he's seriously like a brother to me.

Are you sure he feels "repulsed" by the thought of both of you having an intimate relationship?

It's just that I can't think of many brothers who would drive 200 miles at 3am for a hug. To me, that sounds like a man in love...but a brother? It's kind of strange...

And how many women say that both her and "bestie" are repulsed by the thought of an intimate relationship when in reality the man would jump at the chance? I've lost count, but I've seen it over, and over again.

Of course I don't know the reality of your situation, but I find it to be quite uncommon

 

[MouseketeerMMC]

I take issue with the idea that every man in an opposite sex friendship wants to sleep with the woman.

Only if they are hot!

 

[Ginny Favers]

My husband and I always discuss this, and he tells me all the time that the whole "It never occurred to me that this relationship could get physical" thing does not happen with guys. They are ALWAYS aware that it could be physical, that you have female parts, and they have the male ones. And that is where close friendship becomes a problem. Knowing it is in the back of their mind. Only takes a small nudge for it to be in the front. And I really don't think people become close friends with people who repulse them.

 

[nd5056]

Only if they are hot!

Well, there is an exception you know....

.