Inviting yourself to a wedding rude?

[cadburysmom]

Thank you for your responses, it's nice to hear other's opinions, whether I agree or not.

This has been quite an eye-opener for me as I would never in a million years go to a wedding or reception without an invitation. I asked my minister about this after church this morning and he informed me there was a group of elderly ladies who made it a point to attend every wedding posted in the church bulletin. They feel each bride and groom needs the support of the entire congregation and so consider it their civic duty.

BTW, the question was NOT whether anyone COULD attend a church wedding, or any other type of wedding or reception uninvited. The question was WOULD YOU? It's definitely a moral issue and one of consideration and respect for the bride and groom.

 

[RoyalCanadian]

Originally posted by cadburysmom
I asked my minister about this after church this morning and he informed me there was a group of elderly ladies who made it a point to attend every wedding posted in the church bulletin. They feel each bride and groom needs the support of the entire congregation and so consider it their civic duty.

IMHO, as the pastor of a church, these are the kind of people every church needs to have as members. They have taken to heart their responsibilities as members of their congregation and their responsibilities as members of the church catholic.

 

[Laura]

Sometimes a couple will have their wedding in a small church or chapel and invite a number of people to fit the space. I had my wedding in a conservatory and there was limited seating. Yes, total strangers could have just walked in and sat down. And if people just barged in on my ceremony, some invited guests would not have had a seat. To assume that you can just show up at the ceremony is presumptuous and rude.

 

[llebrekniT]

I don't know if there's really any need for me to leave a reply as the poll reflects my opinion.

I just can't believe that anyone would invite themselves to a wedding. Who would be so rude? Unbelievable. And how does one go about inviting themself? Takes a lot of nerve or just lack of any manners at all I suppose.

Consideration for others is always a good rule to live by. But selfish and inconsiderate seems to be the rule these days.

Then again, from looking at the results to this poll, I am glad to see that most DIS'ers know better.

 

[ohanafamily]

You make the question sound so simple. There is a time and a place for everything, even being Rude.

For example, If you are discussing the matter with a friend, before the wedding is even scheduled, and it is not elaborate but will be quite difficult and expensive for you to go, and you tell the person, that you would really like to be there even though they might not normally include you because of the distance, it is awkward, but they can tell you sure and not give you the information. In one particular case, I told a groom that my wife and I will be there (jokingly), and he asked me if I was serious. I said If we were invited we would make every effort to come but I have a rough work schedule. (BTW, they still haven't scheduled the wedding, but I think he would be happy for us to come when he does)

Once the list comes out it is very rude to ask to be included. I had an aunt who asked to bring the friend she was staying with to our reception, 4 days before the wedding. we said no.

To contrast, well before we finalized the list I had another aunt who was bringing her grand daughter with her to town who was as close a cousin as some of the relatives invited, She asked nicely, and we said of course. we had to think about cousin age cut offs because we wanted to limit the very young children.

One other invited guest brought an uninvited toddler. We dealt with it.

As far as going to a public service, I went to my Nephews confirmation with my DW. It was a public service, and we were not invited because my brother was mad at us. We did not attend the party, but the service was important...

Like I said, it sounds like a simple question but there are complications to every issue...

 

[lilpritch04]

Hmmm....
I would never invite myself to a ceremony or reception. If I'm not invited, I shouldn't be there. I can't imagine how I would have felt if people just showed up to my wedding (ceremony or reception) that we had not invited. I know I would have been uncomfortable and I don't think that's fair for anyone to do to the bride and groom on their wedding day--no matter how entitled you feel you are.

We got married in the same place we had our reception--NOT A CHURCH and we paid a rental fee for our ceremony. I don't think it was an open or public venue. That being said, we had the option to sign something that allowed other brides and grooms that were considering the space to come in to watch the ceremony from another room. We did this too. Since it was not a church, DH and I wanted to see it all set up and how the wedding went. It gave us good ideas and we were happy we were allowed to watch. WE WERE NOT SEATED WITH THE GUESTS.

We found out after our wedding that there were 4 couples observing our ceremony and even part of our dance. I did not have a problem with this. If univited people would have walked in to our actual ceremony or reception--I would have been angry! We had a full house for both parts and seating to accomodate our guests only. We did not have any of these problems and the hall handled everything quite well.

So perhaps some of you think we went to a wedding univited or that people did this to us, but it is part of the rental and it is optional.

 

[deadheadbelle]

Originally posted by ohanafamily
You make the question sound so simple. There is a time and a place for everything, even being Rude.

For example, If you are discussing the matter with a friend, before the wedding is even scheduled, and it is not elaborate but will be quite difficult and expensive for you to go, and you tell the person, that you would really like to be there even though they might not normally include you because of the distance, it is awkward, but they can tell you sure and not give you the information. In one particular case, I told a groom that my wife and I will be there (jokingly), and he asked me if I was serious. I said If we were invited we would make every effort to come but I have a rough work schedule. (BTW, they still haven't scheduled the wedding, but I think he would be happy for us to come when he does)

When DH's friend got married earlier this year, he new most people would be traveling far to attend the wedding/reception, so when they had finalized the date they sent out "Save the date" cards as a way to let people know well in advance when/where the wedding would be. In your case, I would assume if your friend intended on inviting you, he would let you know as soon as he sets the date so you could make plans to attend. I think it is rude to say you'll be there when he hasn't invited you. I don't know, it just seems rude to me. I have a good friend at work who I have been talking with a lot while she has been planning her wedding. I have given her tips, she's shown me pictures of her dress, etc. However, I would never assume or ask to be invited. It is her & the groom's day, sure I'd like to go & I think she'll be inviting me, but I don't even hint around that I'll be there.

 

[Chicago526]

Originally posted by cgcw
The day of the wedding, my Mom's cousin decided to show up, uninvited. I was furious when I heard she was including herself in the dinner afterwards. Short of making a scene, there wasn't anything I could to not have her there.

I would have had a fit! I mean a serious fit! I would have had no problem telling the cousin what I think of rude, thoughtless, gate crashers. Other than making sure the step-daughter wasn't there to witness my making a scene, I wouldn't have cared WHO saw it! And cousin dearest wouldn't have eaten, period.

I congratulate you on your restraint. I would have blown my top.

Edited to add: Quietly watching from the back of a ceramony/reception to see if you want your own ceramony/reception in the same place is okay, again provided that you don't take a seat that another guest needs, eat/drink anything, or in any other way make a nuisence of yourself. And don't stay too long, just enough to get the impresion you want. Personally, I wouldn't have a problem having some one observe in this manner, though I wouldn't do it myself.

 

[RRBB]

It's one thing to comment to the couple well before invitations go out that you would like to be a part of their big day and a totally different story to request an invitation afterwards.

I had several people tell me they wanted to be invited to my wedding right after DH and I got engaged. But did these people make the final cut of the guest list? Probably not. I was flattered however that they even wanted to be there for us on our special day. Telling the bride/groom you would like to be invited to their wedding - whether they actually do or not in the end - just shows them that you care about them.

On the other hand, it is quite rude to ask to be invited, or invite someone else for that matter, to a wedding after the bride & groom have decided who they really want to be in attendence.

Now, would I invite myself to someone's wedding? If they are a good friend of mine, I might comment that I'd like to be included when they tell me they're getting married. But would I say anything to them after I know the invitations have gone out? Absolutely NOT!!!

As for uninvited guests showing up to the ceremony, I have absolutely no idea if we had any at our wedding. I can honestly say I wasn't looking around the sanctuary checking out who was watching me as I walked down the aisle. My back was toward them during the ceremony. And afterwards, I was just so happy to be married that walking back down the aisle was a blur. I have to take people's word for it that they were actually there - or go by what pictures we have.

 

[cadburysmom]

The question is VERY simple.

It simply doesn't matter WHEN you invite yourself to the wedding...the point is that you DID invite yourself, therefore presenting an awkward situation for the bride or groom. And KNOWING that you're being rude makes it even worse. Whether they do invite you is up to them, but most are too nice to want to hurt anyone's feelings and simply invite the rude person whether they want them there or not. Planning a wedding is stressful enough...I would think everyone would want to make it less stressful for the couple by not being so selfish.

I mentioned this poll as I was having lunch with an elderly aunt today.(She is considered by many the paragon of grace and good manners) Although she was shocked that people felt the need to be rude and invite themselves to such private occasions, she showed true wisdom in reminding me of one thing....the truth of the matter is....the people who feel the need to invite themselves to weddings and other private functions only do so because this is their only way of being included, and they know they would not be invited otherwise. To them this is not considered rude, just the means to an end. And above all, I should learn from them and never, never lower myself to their level. Oh, how I do love my aunt!

Thanks again for voicing your opinions. The poll numbers speak for themselves and I'm very happy to know the majority of my fellow DISer's have the class and integrity to respect a wedding couples wishes.

 

[ohanafamily]

Hmm, I guess the reason the poll numbers speak the way they do is because there is no notion of timing. After the list is made and the reservations have gone out it is very rude to invite yourself, but to tell someone when they have not even set a date yet that you want to be invited is not inviting yourself. Have you never told a friend you want to be invited to their party, knowing full well that you will be on the list?

This morning, I sent a message to the groom in question asking if he felt I was rude. He told me that in no way did he feel I was being presumptuous, and he had already told us we were invited. I am not sure we will be able to attend, esp with an infant, but HE KNOWS I RESPECT HIS WISHES.

Once again, I will totally agree with you if you set the time of the request after the list is made. A request to the bride or groom to be invited to the wedding is not inviting oneself until the list is made....

 

[Laura]

You do make a good point, ohanafamily. My best friend, when I told her I had gotten engaged, said, "could I come to your wedding?" My answer was, "Duh, would you please be my maid of honor?!" She wasn't being rude at all, just excited and wanted to go. I was happy she wanted to be there. I hadn't set the date or anything.

On the other hand, some distant family members pestered my dad to let them come to the ceremony AFTER the invitations had all been mailed out (I guess they figured out from others who got invitations that they weren't invited). That was rude. But we're talking about people who didn't realize I was dating anyone, let alone knew I was getting married.

 

[Lewski709]

Originally posted by ohanafamily
Hmm, I guess the reason the poll numbers speak the way they do is because there is no notion of timing.

No, I don't think that is a factor in this poll at all.

After the list is made and the reservations have gone out it is very rude to invite yourself, but to tell someone when they have not even set a date yet that you want to be invited is not inviting yourself.

Both ways are inviting yourself. If the guest thinks enough of you, you don't have to mention wanting to come.

Have you never told a friend you want to be invited to their party, knowing full well that you will be on the list?

NO!

This morning, I sent a message to the groom in question asking if he felt I was rude. He told me that in no way did he feel I was being presumptuous, and he had already told us we were invited.

A message, as in a PRIVATE MESSAGE? Are we talking about a certain someone that you have NEVER met? OMG, that is RUDE! Besides, what is HE supposed to say. Come on! You put him in an akward position.

For instance, can I come to the hospital for the birth of your child? Or can I come to the baby shower? I know you are having a child, therefor it makes it ok for me to ask, right?

Not trying to be rude, just trying to get you to see....you are inviting yourself to something you wouldn't be invited to on a normal basis.

I paid for the church at my wedding and while I didn't mind if there were observers in back, I wouldn't have wanted to see people there that I didn't invite. It's a respect thing! Respect for me and my groom. We are the center of attention and inviting oneself to anothers wedding changes that focus. Whether it disrupts the focus or not, it certainly changes the focus of the day.

 

[deadheadbelle]

Well, I have to agree with Cadburysmom on this one. Regardless of when you invite yourself to a wedding, it is rude. If the bride/groom wants you at their wedding, they will invite you. I guess some people are brought up differently than others.

Sounds like your Aunt is a wise lady!

 

[arminnie]

Originally posted by Kallison
Anyone may attend a wedding in a church, whether invited to the reception or not. Period end of story.

That's not true for all churches. I think that is true in the Catholic church (correct me if I am wrong), but I have been to protestant weddings with security and you did not get in if you were not on the list. Very small church with limited seating.

 

[RRBB]

Originally posted by Lewski709
can I come to the baby shower?

Sure, we'd love to have you there. The first one is this Saturday at 2:00 pm and the other one is a week from Sunday at 12:30 pm. Can you make either of them?

 

[Lewski709]

Originally posted by RRBB
Sure, we'd love to have you there. The first one is this Saturday at 2:00 pm and the other one is a week from Sunday at 12:30 pm. Can you make either of them?

Nope.
I knew you would welcome me, because of the person you are....but not all people are like that.

 

[deadheadbelle]

Originally posted by RRBB
Sure, we'd love to have you there. The first one is this Saturday at 2:00 pm and the other one is a week from Sunday at 12:30 pm. Can you make either of them?

That's nice of you to allow her to come, but it was Rude of her to ask.

 

[llebrekniT]

Apparently, there are two kinds of people in this world.

On the one hand you have the people who are not afraid to impose on others. These are the people who let others know that they would like an invitation.

On the other hand are the people who are careful not to impose. These are the people who wait for an invitation to arrive.

Impose:to force into the company or on the attention of another <impose oneself on others>

Invite:to request the presence or participation of

Telling someone you want to be at their wedding is in no uncertain terms imposing.

Again, I suppose it matters how you were raised. I remember being a little girl and calling a friend and asking if I could come over and play. After I hung up the phone my mother told me that it was rude to invite yourself over to someone's house. She said you just don't do that.

You just don't tell someone you would like to be invited.

You just don't do that.

 

[cadburysmom]

Originally posted by llebrekniT
You just don't tell someone you would like to be invited.

You just don't do that.

Nicely put...couldn't have said it better myself!