Introvert during family illness

[jdb in AZ]

Anyone else just want to be left alone when you or your spouse is seriously ill? Some people thrive on all the attention. Others do not. Friends want to cheer me up, but I don't even want to pick up the phone unless caller i.d. tells me it's safe.

DH is recovering from his 5th surgery in 6mos and is in a physical rehab center while I take social distancing to a new level here at home. A friend is determined to take me out to dinner but I don't feel the need to pretend to be cheerful while she talks my ear off, and I really don't want to get Covid and expose DH. Any suggestions?

 

[low-key]

this just sucks, the only advice I have is know life sucks some time but it will turn around, it always has, hasn't it

 

[disneychrista]

I want to be left alone. My youngest is like me and just hunkers down in her room. My oldest daughter wants to "cuddle" when she is sick, like she is still 5 years old (she will be 30 in January).

No suggestions. I am sure your friends and family are only trying to show they care. Maybe just tell them you appreciate them but you need time to be with your husband and that you will let them know if you need anything.

 

[barkley]

i totaly identify. we've gone through major medical situations within our immediate household and never let anyone know just b/c we deal with things best left on our own.

i would just tell your friend-

DH is recovering from his 5th surgery in 6mos and is in a physical rehab center and I really don't want to get Covid and expose DH so respect me when I say 'no' to your invitations.

p.s. i don't blame you at all for not wanting to take any chances-i have friends who despite quarantining for months are not allowed in med settings with immediate family as well as a sibling who will be undergoing surgery at the end of the month and his hospital is requiring him to come in a couple days before for covid testing after which they are quarantining him at a hotel they've rented rooms out long term/with specialized protocol until his surgery. he would only be permitted 1 visitor during his hospital stay if they also tested and quarantined with him prior to surgery/for duration of his stay.


just say 'NO'.

take care, best of wishes to your dh.

 

[Meriweather]

So sorry, you and your DH are going through this.
I like to be left alone. DH likes to be left alone.
I don't mind if one of my kids want to help......they know we don't like much attention. DDIL is the other way.....too much.

Best wishes to you both

 

[DisneyOma]

I like the visitors, up to a point. DH hates them all and wants to be left alone. OP, I think your reasons are valid and super important, and your friend should be able to understand that. If not, tell her that your husband's doctor suggested quarantine-style life for you right now (and if it wasn't it really should have been)

 

[Karin1984]

This is not the moment to be too considerate. Whether you need space to mentally process it all or because social distancing matters to your DH's health, 'your needs go before your friend's point of view how to handle you.

You have to open your mouth and talk to your friend. If she is a true friend, she will understand. If she doesn't there is a different problem to solve.

 

[unrequited23]

It's obvious your friend wants to do something nice for you, but just doesn't know what you would most appreciate. I would be honest if you need space. If you are feeling very generous, give her a task that would make your life easier or more enjoyable. Perhaps heading to an out of the way bakery to pick up your favorite loaf of bread. Dropping off dinner one night so you don't have to cook for one. Weeding your flower beds.

 

[JimMIA]

Blame it on Covid. Covid is a perfectly legitimate reason for not wanting to be out and about, even if it's not your only reason for not wanting to go out.

If the friend doesn't understand that, they're not trying to understand.

 

[LiteBrite]

I agree that you 100% don't have to go to dinner with your friend, or see her at all. You could just say something like, "I'm sorry, we're being extremely cautious because of covid, so we're not seeing anybody outside of the family".

I've said that to several people because of DH's diabetes, and not one of them has given me a hard time about it.

 

[a1tinkfans]

This is about You and ur Hubby. It’s OKAY to say no thank you. Just do it.
Wishing him a full recovery and strong healthy days ahead.

 

[DLgal]

"No thanks, I'm good."

This the only phrase you need.

Hope your husband gets well soon.

 

[GreatLakes]

I think most people try to help others in a way they think they would want to be helped in a similar situation. The best thing to do is just be clear with what you need and most real friends will respond appropriately.

 

[clh2]

under the same circumstances, I would also want my alone time; ESPECIALLY if you typically recharge your emotional battery quietly and alone.

Now, toss Covid into the mix; going to a restaurant is simply not advised.

 

[DisneyOma]

under the same circumstances, I would also want my alone time; ESPECIALLY if you typically recharge your emotional battery quietly and alone.

Now, through Covid into the mix; going to a restaurant is simply not advised.

I love this imagery - and it hit the spot with me. I do need to recharge my emotional battery quietly and alone. I just never fully thought of it that way, THANK YOU!

 

[mjkacmom]

Tell the truth. I try to follow these guidelines, hopefully you friend will understand that going out to eat won’t be helpful, and maybe you can think of something that would be helpful (her intentions are good). https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/.../201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in

 

[AuntieMe3]

I'm the same way, most of my family is. Just tell her exactly what you said here. If she's a true friend, she'll get over it.

My mom was just in the hospital for major surgery, she didn't want to talk to anyone except my dad. Even then, very limited, mostly to tell him to tell people to stop calling her. LOL One of her friends was "offended" my mom wasn't taking her calls. My mom has been home about 1 week and still isn't up to talking much but her friend keeps calling.

 

[kerry1379]

It can be a difficult line to walk. I know some of my friends dislike it when friends just say "Let me know if there is anything I can do to help!" because they feel like it is a bit of a cop out. Yet that is exactly what several of my other friends would prefer because they want privacy and time alone. (Obviously, it can depend on the circumstances and what help is being offered.) Those friends offering to help usually really want to help but they aren't mind readers either and often times aren't sure what to do that would be truly helpful. All that said, I would just let my preferences be known to those closest in your life. And if you need to ignore some requests for the time being, I don't think that is bad either. You need to do what you and your family need to do. Best wishes on the surgery OP.

 

[fly girl]

A true friend will understand if you honestly explain how during this time you are an introvert and prefer to be alone.

Wishing your husband well.

 

[Kitty 34]

Introvert all the way especially if I'm nauseous!!