I'm worried about my son - need advice

[TupperMom7]

Let me start this post with a disclaimer. While I have asked for advice in the past and have appreciated some of the replies and even learned a thing or two, I also have received major chriticisms and often insulting replies. If you read this post and think your reply will help me, please reply.

My son is going to be 11 in December. When he was little, he enjoyed his birthday and Christmas. He was generally happy with the gifts he received and was a happy little guy. As he has gotten older, he has become less satisfied with the gifts he receives and now this year he says he is not giving any gifts! Usually his Dad takes him and his two brothers out Christmas shopping, but today he said he's not buying any gifts. He said he always gets clothes or junk that falls apart - totally untrue.

I tried explaining to him, when he acts like this, that a gift is something that someone buys for him and hopes that he will really like. Last year one of his brothers got him a bucket of bubble gum. They don't spend a ton on each other, but try to get things they think people will like.
I asked him if I gave him $10 and he tried to pick out a gift for someone, how would he want them to act when they opened it? I told him he should be gracious and say thank you and not act like someone gave him a box of dog poop.

This afternoon, I took his brother to buy my oldest son a gift for his birthday which is next week. He wanted to go too, but decided he wasn't going to spend $5.00 on a DVD or $2.50 on a can of cashews. He announced that he was not buying anything for anybody this year.

My son is almost 11 and has lost the Christmas spirit and the joy of the holidays and I don't know what to do about it. I'm crying as I post this because I always have had fun buying gifts and giving as well as receiving this time of year. Help!

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

big ((hugs))

would he be willing to buy a present off of an angel tree to donate instead? maybe they could all do that instead of buying for each and then go to mcdonalds or something as a treat? make a special day out of it? you and dad could do it too?

idk... i wish i could help because that is probably making you really sad i don't have kids and i don't think i've ever lost the christmas spirit.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think he needs to spend a few days helping those who are WAY less fortunate than him so he can learn to appreciate what he has & what he gets.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think he needs to spend a few days helping those who are WAY less fortunate than him so he can learn to appreciate what he has & what he gets.

I was thinking the same thing. Maybe help with a coat drive, food drive or soup kitchen (with your help I wouldn't let him do that without a parent).

ETA- It is sad that he has lost the Christmas spirit, but he can get it back.

 

[Nik's Mom]

It sounds like you are disappointed in your ds. Don't worry, I'm not about kicking people when they are down.

One thing that comes to mind about your ds is that it could be that pre-teen attitude that rears it's ugly head at about your ds's age. But that does not excuse his behavior. It sounds like he needs a reality check. Heck, we all do sometimes. I love the idea of having him do something for those less fortunate. Do you have an adopt a family program in your area? If not, then I'm sure your local church would have a giving tree. Even if you are not a member, I'm sure you can still participate.

I'm sure some will call me cruel, but depending how bad his attitude is, maybe tell him that he does not deserve any gifts this year. Maybe that's extreme but sometimes extreme attitudes call for extreme attitude checks!

I hope your ds's attitude comes around. Hugs to you. It sounds like you are down.

 

[cabanafrau]

I think he needs to spend a few days helping those who are WAY less fortunate than him so he can learn to appreciate what he has & what he gets.

This is absolutely on target IMO.

OP I don't know any of the past history of your posts you refer to, so I hope you don't take this as an insult in any way, but from the limited info I have on the situation your son's behavior sounds incredibly ungrateful, far beyond having lost the Christmas spirit. It's precisely for that reason I think the above advice is so correct. I'm sure your goal is to raise nice kids who are able to give & receive w/ generosity of spirit always and I'm sure if you nip this in the bud it will be a lesson he'll look back on his whole life.

 

[happygirl]

I think he needs to spend a few days helping those who are WAY less fortunate than him so he can learn to appreciate what he has & what he gets.

I agree, I would let him help at a soup kitchen over Thanksgiving

 

[clovergirl5]

Im sorry he is feeling like that. Is he having any other issues about anything else? School, friends, family, etc. It sounds like something else could be bothering him. Maybe a mother-son lunch just the 2 of you alone can make him open up to you about anything thats bothering him.
I agree, it could be preteen attitudes too. Alot of changes in a kids life at this age. He probably just entered M.S.?

And I love your disclaimer....Im gonna remember that one

 

[amyy]

I think he can get the Christmas spirt back. 11 is a hard age (I work in a middle school). The idea of volunteering is a great one. A coat drive, soup kitchen, homeless shelter, childrens unit at the hospital etc. Maybe also doing things together as a family. Soup kitchen need volunteers and especially on the holidays. If you can't volunteer you could bake some ideas to bring over for them to serve on Thanksgiving & Christmas.

Since he is not buying for anybody does he expect anyone to buy for him?

Take care. I can only imagine how difficult this must be.

 

[disykat]

As the parent, you have the right to set what is acceptable in your family for gift giving and require him to participate. I'd require him to participate and make it very clear that if he's not giving, he won't be receiving.

However, I do have to address the "lost the Christmas spirit" comment. For some people, the gift giving part of Christmas is simply not important to them. I could go my whole life without ever receiving or giving another gift and it wouldn't bother me at all. I'd actually be relieved. That doesn't say anything about my Christmas spirit IMO. I love Christmas, bu when I think of Christmas, gifts don't even come across my mind other than my chore "to do" list.

I think he's being "naughty," but I also think it's possible he's just not into giving/receiving gifts and is trying to figure out how to survive in a family that's into it. Seriously, the book "the five love languages" helped me "get" that gifts are really important to some people. I think you need to put into words for him that for many people gifts are a way of giving and receiving love. For them, they are showing him they love him by giving him gifts and his refusal to give gifts is like saying he doesn't love them. While it might be possible gifts don't mean "love" to him, he needs to realize that they do for others and be willing to show love to them in this way.

 

[kafitty]

first, and i think you've gotten some great advice already.

i know for certain that part of my not liking the holidays is that buying gifts for people gives me REALLY bad anxiety. i freak out because i think they won't like it, already have it, or something else. i also geek out about birthday gifts...most of the time, if i do end up "giving" something, it's dinner out with me or something like that - not a physical gift. (and a card - i do like cards!)

i certainly fall all over myself to be gracious when i receive a gift, however. That's pretty ungracious, at best, and downright rude at worst. But, you know that, and i wish you luck in conveying that to him!!

 

[happygirl]

I'm not trying to be critical maybe he needs to learn the value of a dollar and then he will be a little more appreciatve of when people get him things

 

[hereyago]

I agree with other posters to have him help people who are less fortunate as him.

If I may ask, what kind of gifts does he usually get for Xmas, birthday?

The only reason I ask and this is no reflection on you, but sometimes parents go crazy with the gifts, buy the "best" thing of the year and have to keep topping it and so many times, kids forget the real meaning of the holiday.

 

[disykat]

I'm not trying to be critical maybe he needs to learn the value of a dollar and then he will be a little more appreciatve of when people get him things

I totally disagree with this. His problem is that he understands the value of a dollar and simply doesn't feel giving/receiving gifts matches that value. The thing that needs to be corrected here is to get him to understand that this is very important to his loved ones and he needs to be polite and participate for their sake. It's not all about him.

 

[happygirl]

I totally disagree with this. His problem is that he understands the value of a dollar and doesn't feel giving/receiving gifts matches that value.

No he doesn't he think that he should only get high dollar gifts, If he's taught the value of a dollar he will be more grateful and realize how much things do cost.

 

[disykat]

No he doesn't he think that he should only get high dollar gifts, If he's taught the value of a dollar he will be more grateful and realize how much things do cost.

Huh? You quoted me, but it didn't seem to having anything to do with what I said?

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

No he doesn't he think that he should only get high dollar gifts, If he's taught the value of a dollar he will be more grateful and realize how much things do cost.

That's not what she's saying at all.... she's saying that maybe gift-giving isn't his "thing" but needs to realize that for some people, it IS their "thing".

 

[LadyZolt]

I agree with having him help someone. Do an "Operation Christmas Child" box or go to your local Salvation Army Christmas tree and choose an 11 year old boy so that your DS can try thinking about what needy boy his age might need. For example, while your DS might have video games, an underprivileged child might need instead grooming and hygiene supplies like a comb, toothbrush and soap. And a needy child might need some good books instead of DVDs of movies, or a toy yo-yo or harmonica instead of CDs of music.

If you do any baking this Christmas season, involve him in that and have him help decorate cookies and deliver them to your local nursing home, or to your church's children's program, or your homeless shelter. Have him go with you as you shop for non-perishable items to donate to a food bank and have him go with you when you donate.

Assuming your child does not have a disorder like high functioning autism that make it difficult for him to understand another person's feelings and point of view, I think he will become more broad minded as he experiences things and grows more. Many children are self-centered at that age and even older, so the best thing you can do is involve him in the joy of giving to others.

-Dorothy (LadyZolt)

 

[java]

Forget Buying gifts for his siblings- Have him MAKE them gifts.
We do a homemade gift exchange in our family. We pick names and then each person has to MAKE the other person a gift.

(Kind of cheating as dh is a jeweler so whoever he gets gets a good present!)

But I instilled this when we were having an eh year about Christmas - me included.
This worked great for us. We are doing it again this year(we're on year 4 now)

Another idea is have him make a list of FREE things that you can do to enjoy the holiday- like look at Christmas lights.

Finally I think this is a harsh one but let him know there may not be the giving spirit from those around him for him if this is his attitude. He doesn't want to buy presents for his siblings. Great they don't buy him anything either. Let the rest of them exchange. He needs a bit of an attitude adjustment. A day volunteering at a soup kitchen may help.

My kids adopt a child in our town to provide gifts for. Shopping for someone that has NOTHING brought my kids around. When they saw she was asking for a winter coat and shoes it put their "needs" in perspective".

 

[Pea-n-Me]

he has become less satisfied with the gifts he receives and now this year he says he is not giving any gifts!

I think if he isn't, or thinks he isn't enjoying gift exchanges this year, then he should be allowed to opt out - of both giving and receiving. It won't hurt to see how it plays out, and it might turn out to be a major life lesson for him.

As for volunteering, I think it's a great thing - but only if the volunteer wants to do it out of the goodness of their heart. Homeless and other unfortunates don't need unwilling people there learning lessons at their expense; they deserve people who actually take pleasure in the activity of helping them. They also want people who will be there regularly, not stop in once a year. (This was the philosophy of a homeless shelter I once trained in.)