I'm worried about my son - need advice

[happygirl]

Nevermind I was misreading it

 

[BelleWDW]

Wow-I sort of relate to your son

When we were kids-I was about 11 and my sister (6) and we recieved the same doll for Christmass

I was at that awkward pre-teen stage-too old for dolls , not old enough for records, makeup etc and I actuall remember being less than excited that Christmas-I think my "big" gift from the grandparents was special sheets for our beds for our newly redecorated bedroom-sis and I shared.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

As for volunteering, I think it's a great thing - but only if the volunteer wants to do it out of the goodness of their heart. Homeless and other unfortunates don't need unwilling people there learning lessons at their expense; they deserve people who actually take pleasure in the activity of helping them. They also want people who will be there regularly, not stop in once a year. (This was the philosophy of a homeless shelter I once trained in.)

That's why I think maybe doing an angel tree or something like that might be a better idea. Even if the giver isn't immediately willing, the person receiving the gift will get the same enjoyment

Does your son like animals? Maybe instead of buying for PEOPLE, he could buy for a shelter?

 

[tjmw2727]

In your case I would ask him if he truly would like to opt out this year - in which case if he dosen't give, he doesn't receive. If he is truly fine with that then I would honor his request. If not he may tell you the real reason he isn't into gift giving/receiving this year and you can address it further.

Either way I would encourage you to do some volunteering as a family. This way he isn't put on the spot and it isn't seen as a punishment if your doing it together. IMHO it can give everyone a new appreciation for what you have.

We stoped giving storebought gifts between siblings a few years ago when it was just dh and I driving and shopping for them anyway. Now the gift has to be handmade or a nice hand me down. In the past few years my kids have come up with some amazing gifts this way and some are still treasured.

 

["Got Disney"]

Dont fret or be sad.....he is 11 and going through his tween stage. Finding his independence and doing it where he feels like he will have some power. The problem these days is that Christmas has become to much about the presents that we get and give instead of what it is all about.

Helping volunteer is always a good thing...even if he was in the spirit. Since he does not want to give presents maybe you can get him to give of himself/volunteering. If not however I would not force him. This is his holiday too, and he should be able to celebrate it or not celebrate it. If he does not want to give presents than so be it. He is only 11.

My one son went through something similar also at one point. Wanting to get but not shop. That was okay with us because after all Christmas for us is about the kids...not getting gifts for us.

Does he like to cook? maybe he can help you bake cookies, help with dinner....my boys love to help cook with me. He can use that as his christmas gift. And he can tell everyone that that is his gift.

If he is only getting $10 to spread around for a gift than he may feel that he would rather not give a gift that is so inexpensive...that's a tween for ya....they miss the point due to having jello for brains.

He will get over this, so let him this year have it. Maybe as it gets closer to christmas he will change his mind. Leave the option open till christmas Eve to go and get stuff. It's still early and for many the Christmas Cheer has not bit them yet.

Also dont tell him that if he does not give than he should not get either....because that is not what christmas is all about.....sure it is better to give than to receive....but he is only 11.....his brain does not think like ours does, and that's okay.

My boys are 13(today) and soon to be 16 the other, and I have no problem with them not shopping for anyone for Christmas. We do volunteer however at the food bank...not the kitchen but the food bank, over the holidays. Also Meals on wheels. But there was a a time that they did not want to do that also...I did not force them....it came in time.

Another thing they do when they dont want to shop....they make Homemade Birthday cards with a message inside and also do this for Christmas...make a HM Christmas card and give them. That goes over great because it is personal and always fun to get...maybe he can do that

Matter of fact my 16 y.o did not shop for his brother so he is making him a HM Birthday card today(in about 30 minutes accually) with a special B-day message. Oh and $10 in it of his own $$. But that was his choice not mine.

Good luck and dont worry.....it's all good.

 

[luvsJack]

One of my sons went through this at that same age. Part of it stemmed from the fact that a lot of the kids he hung around with were either from a higher income bracket than us or were willing to go a lot further in debt than we were for Christmas gifts. He would see his friends getting very expensive gifts and us cutting corners. He got to a point that, for awhile, this bothered him.

He didn't want the $5 gift nor did he want to pick out a $5 gift for someone else. During that time, I never allowed him to stop getting gifts (and, lucky for him, he never showed this feeling to anyone but me). I told him simply, "you have x# of gifts to buy and X$ to spend--pick some things out"

He really got pretty good at finding things in his budget that looked more expensive than they were. A few times there was someone that he would run out of money for and he would make something for them.

If your son is like mine was, he got over it. My son realized that there were many that were less fortunate then him; he just got tired of not having the "biggest and best" like some of his friends (and aren't we all that way at times?)

 

[Christine]

In your case I would ask him if he truly would like to opt out this year - in which case if he dosen't give, he doesn't receive. If he is truly fine with that then I would honor his request. If not he may tell you the real reason he isn't into gift giving/receiving this year and you can address it further.

Either way I would encourage you to do some volunteering as a family. This way he isn't put on the spot and it isn't seen as a punishment if your doing it together. IMHO it can give everyone a new appreciation for what you have.

We stoped giving storebought gifts between siblings a few years ago when it was just dh and I driving and shopping for them anyway. Now the gift has to be handmade or a nice hand me down. In the past few years my kids have come up with some amazing gifts this way and some are still treasured.

I agree with this advice.

As you will see as time goes on, you are raising "individual" children. These difference are only going to continue. It is not a crime that your son is not into the whole gift exchange thing--as much as it disappoints you. I think it is a great idea to offer him to opt out and to make sure he knows what it means.

My two children are both as different as night and day. One of them is extremely generous, but neither of my kids has ever been thrilled with going out and picking out gifts. It always shocked me because when I was a kid, I just LOVED it. And still do. I agonize over the perfect gift. I have had to realize that my kids are not a replica of me nor are they each alike themselves. They have both been a real eye opener for me!!

I think this particular son of yours is very different from your other children? You may always have to approach him differently than the others and honor his feelings.

My husband is one of three siblings and he has a brother who is very much different than the other two and always has sort of been on the periphery. But they all just learned to adapt and know that his sibling just has different boundaries.

 

["Got Disney"]

Also let me add that if he does like arts and crafts you can go to Michaels arts and crafts if you have one near and get their christmas ornaments that he can paint and date and than shellac...we do a lot of Arts and crafts and christmas including baking German Ornaments that has been a family tradition since I was a little girl. They have given them to friends and teachers.

Maybe something like that he would like to do as gifts.

You can also buy card stock and stamps at Michaels for the cards....they have tons of big rubber stamps...look for the ones that dont have the wood on them....they are more fun and way less cheaper. Get glitter glue and glitter to sprinkle on the cards and we even use colored felt. Our cards are fun to do and dont forget to have christmas munchies why you are making them....

I have lots of ideas you can always PM me and I can give you some-more....I can also give you the recipe to make the HM ornaments...you roll them out use cookie cutters.....and bake.

Hope this helps.

 

[CanBeGrumpy]

Could your son be worried about money? My kids heard me tell Dh that ordering soda in a restaurant is a waste of money (I have always hated paying $2.00 for a soda in a restaurant!), and some how they took that to mean that we couldn't afford the soda! So, maybe your son has overheard things that make him worried about money, and he feels he shouldn't be spending any?

In any case, I hope he gets into the spirit in time for Christmas. I personally don't think you should force him to participate in a charity effort or withhold gifts from him (I can't imagine not giving my 10 year old any gifts). Maybe you could throw out some ideas for helping others and see if he is interested, but don't force him.

The company I work for does an Adopt-a-Senior drive at Christmas. They ask senior citizens that receive Meals-on-Wheels for a wish list of gifts they want, and we "adopt" a senior and buy the gifts on the list. Some of them are so sad (one man had toilet paper on his list), but my kids get a real kick out of shopping for the seniors. They enjoy it much more than shopping for kids for some reason. Perhaps your son would enjoy helping out a senior citizen?

I do think that his attitude toward gifts may be a reflection of something else going on in his life, but other than money worries I can't think of anything. I hope he gets his spirit back!

 

[minkydog]

I would be surprised if he actually holds to his Bah-Humbug spirit all the way through Christmas. He certainly has gotten a rise out of you, hasn't he?

Eleven year olds are just starting to get into that snarky middle school age. Maybe he really doesn't like to shop or give gifts. It's his right, you know. It doesn't make him a bad person. Maybe he doesn't like to get gifts either. It's not a character flaw. Of course, if he doesn't give a gift, he shouldn't expect to receive a gift. And maybe he's fine with that. I don't know.

Personally, I don't like to receive gifts. i don't like surprises. I don't like exchanging gifts with people who make as much money or more than we do and are capable of buying whatever they want. I mean, what's the point? I'd rather spend that money on someone else who ISN"T going to have a good Christmas(and this is exactly what I do.) We've tried to explain this to my SIL but she is horrified by the idea. She loves to shop for Christmas. She imagines that we are going to just love the little bar of soap, the plastic angel figurine complete with sappy sentiments on the feet, the polyester slippers, and the set of ginsu knives (with bonus bamboo steamer!) Please. One year she sent my then-15yo son a Batman umbrella and matching Batman belt. Hah! In her dreams! And she sent then-13yo DD a magical Barbie wand with light up sparkles. Oooh, aaah! NOT. How you you like to be the recipient of these thoughtless gifts. My kids would rather just not get anything. And so would I.

I'm thinking this situation will work itself out if you don't give it too much attention. Nothing wrong with talking it over with him, but I wouldn't belabor the point. I woudln't go out and buy stuff for the other kids "from your brother" either. Let the chips fall where they may. He may change his mind. Or not. But you can't MAKE him want to give gifts.

 

[Nicoleclaw]

A soup kitchen or something of the sort sounds like a great idea. I also agree with other posters that it is the age. I teach in a middle school (for the past 10 years) and I can not stress how many parents come in and talk about how their child has changed since they turned 11, 12, etc. What your son said, I would say probably 1/3 to a 1/2 of my students would also say without batting an eyelash. It is so great that you are listening to what he is saying and trying to understand/help him change his feelings. More of my students need a mom like you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It is just me or is anyone else thinking you tell your kid that is not happening and then you take them shopping. I prefer the simple approach myself.

I do want to add that I don't love shopping for gifts so I don't share your level of excitement about giving or receiving gifts. He may not have lost his spirit, he just may not enjoying buying gifts that are "odd". My kids are like me and would think that is a waste of money.

 

[redrosesix]

Well, I'm going to say something very different. My brother started talking like this around the same age -- one year asked for only money because he was never happy with the presents he got (but in the end he hated that, because he missed out on the unwrapping etc that comes with getting presents). to this day, he is a very ungrateful and self-centred person. He happened to marry somebody much like himself, and they have decided that since they plan to take a trip to NYC and just got back from a trip to Montreal, they can't afford to give anybody presents this year -- although it is ok if anybody wants to still give them presents. That is just the tip of the iceberg -- they are constantly in money problems because they spend so much on themselves.

My parents did nothing to set him straight when he was your son's age -- in fact, my mother was a huge part of the problem (she excused everything he did -- still does, and is actually giving them some money to help them do their NYC trip, in addition to still giving them Christmas presents). My mother has often bailed them out when they couldn't make a payment, especially the payments for one of their 3 (yes, 3) cars. So cudos to you for being aware of the situation, and wanting to do something about it. The only good thing about this situation is that my other brother and I turned out quite the opposite -- probably so disgusted by his attitude that we wanted to be nothing like him. In fact, I have done several jobs working with homeless people and at-risk kids and mothers, for very little pay. My brother is chair of a board for a half-way house and women's shelter. Both of us would be happy to get a present from a dollar store as long as we knew the giver was actually thinking about who we were when they were picking it out.

I can't tell you what would have turned the situation around, although I can guarantee you my brother would have gotten nothing out of serving at a soup kitchen -- I think he really doesn't see how lucky he has been, he really believes he deserves everything he has or gets, even though he doesn't work half as hard as other people who have those things, chose to quit university, etc. He would just look down on homeless people for having nasty clothing, etc.

I agree with The Mystery Machine -- tell your son to get over himself and that he is going shopping with you whether he likes it or not, because that is how things are done in your family. Hopefully, he will come around -- because it is simply not an acceptable attitude, not something you see portrayed on TV or in movies. But I think you should stand your ground, because the situation could become worse if you try to appease him too much.

 

[luvmy3]

I would not force him to do anything, if he doesn't want to participate then don't include him in the gift exchange between his siblings. Maybe a Christmas of exclusion would make him appreciate it in the coming years.
I do not agree with forcing him into working in a soup kitchen or doing something charitable, if it is just this one time right before Christmas only, to teach him a lesson, judging by the way he is acting, it isn't going to make any difference to him.

 

[minkydog]

I would not force him to do anything, if he doesn't want to participate then don't include him in the gift exchange between his siblings. Maybe a Christmas of exclusion would make him appreciate it in the coming years.
I do not agree with forcing him into working in a soup kitchen or doing something charitable, if it is just this one time right before Christmas only, to teach him a lesson, judging by the way he is acting, it isn't going to make any difference to him.

I agree. and I wouldn't want to inflict my son on the poor folks at the soup kitchen either. If he was enthusiastic, no problem. But most kids are NOT enthusiastic,nor altruistic, when they are forced to do something they don't want to do. I don't see any problem with letting opt out of gift giving and let the natural consequences unfold.

 

[denisem]

luvmy3 and minkydog

I'd make it clear that if he chooses to opt out on gift-giving (AND receiving, stress that!), you assume he wants to forgo the rest of your usual holiday activites. Then everyone goes about their business and ignores him.

I'd bet by the time you're putting up the tree, watching Christmas movies, etc., he'll come wandering in like a lost puppy. If he changes his mind about gifts close to xmas, that'd be a good time to suggest making "coupon books" for ya'll (and have a few gifts for him hidden away if this occurs.)

 

[TwinsinCA]

I say cut the kid some slack. There is more to the Christmas spirit than giving and receiving presents. He has his reasons for wanting to opt out this year. Let him.

 

[mcco5543]

Just wanted to give the OP a big


I have read through about half of this thread.

I'm another vote for having him (and your family) Volunteer for those who will not be having as much love, support and/or gifts for the holidays this year. This may help if the issue has to do with him being a pre-teen with a pre-teen attitude (which is perfectly normal for him to have and not a reflection on his parents what so ever. Clearly you are a great mom who is concerned about her son and how her son's actions and attitudes affect others.)

I'm also another vote for maybe his attitude has nothing to do with the holiday and has entirely to do with something else going on in his life. Whatever methods you find works to reaching out to your son and getting him to open up and maybe talk about whatever is truly going on is defintely worth a try- this could help if it's not a pre-teen attitude problem, but a reaction to something else in his life.


Thirdly. I also liked and agree with the poster who suggested maybe your son just isn't about giving/recieving gifts. Maybe it doesn't feel right to him. Perhaps you could open a dialouge about how he WOULD like to celebrate the holiday this year and express his love for his family and friends and how he would like them to express their love for him? It sounds like you as the mom are not so upset about the giving/recieving of gifts, but the fact that your son doesn't want to participate in the joys of giving/recieviing, which, if you think about it , gifts are really the symbol and representation of the giving and recieving of love.

So maybe if he can come up with a way to express his love for his family and friends and articulate how he'd like to recieve love from his family and friends this year. He can get that feeling of the "Christmas spirit" back in his heart, his family and friends will not be denied being able to share the holiday with him , and finally he still participates in expressing love for his family and friends in his own way, instead of simply not participating at all.

Your an awesome mom for reaching out for help and suggestions when isseus with your kids arise...no flaming from me ..just love

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

I think if he isn't, or thinks he isn't enjoying gift exchanges this year, then he should be allowed to opt out - of both giving and receiving. It won't hurt to see how it plays out, and it might turn out to be a major life lesson for him.

As for volunteering, I think it's a great thing - but only if the volunteer wants to do it out of the goodness of their heart. Homeless and other unfortunates don't need unwilling people there learning lessons at their expense; they deserve people who actually take pleasure in the activity of helping them. They also want people who will be there regularly, not stop in once a year. (This was the philosophy of a homeless shelter I once trained in.)

I think this is a great post. I agree 100% with this.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Let me start this post with a disclaimer. While I have asked for advice in the past and have appreciated some of the replies and even learned a thing or two, I also have received major chriticisms and often insulting replies. If you read this post and think your reply will help me, please reply.

My son is going to be 11 in December. When he was little, he enjoyed his birthday and Christmas. He was generally happy with the gifts he received and was a happy little guy. As he has gotten older, he has become less satisfied with the gifts he receives and now this year he says he is not giving any gifts! Usually his Dad takes him and his two brothers out Christmas shopping, but today he said he's not buying any gifts. He said he always gets clothes or junk that falls apart - totally untrue.

I tried explaining to him, when he acts like this, that a gift is something that someone buys for him and hopes that he will really like. Last year one of his brothers got him a bucket of bubble gum. They don't spend a ton on each other, but try to get things they think people will like.
I asked him if I gave him $10 and he tried to pick out a gift for someone, how would he want them to act when they opened it? I told him he should be gracious and say thank you and not act like someone gave him a box of dog poop.

This afternoon, I took his brother to buy my oldest son a gift for his birthday which is next week. He wanted to go too, but decided he wasn't going to spend $5.00 on a DVD or $2.50 on a can of cashews. He announced that he was not buying anything for anybody this year.

My son is almost 11 and has lost the Christmas spirit and the joy of the holidays and I don't know what to do about it. I'm crying as I post this because I always have had fun buying gifts and giving as well as receiving this time of year. Help!

What's going to happen for his birthday in December? Your son didn't want to gift anything for another brother's birthday. Does he expect presents for his birthday?

I just wonder if your son is having this attitude because he is holding out for some kind of present that you have been refusing or maybe some kind of present that he knows would be stretching it.

If his birthday comes before Christmas and he got a taste of his own attitude about gifts that he would change his tune by Christmas.

On the other hand, Im a crappy person and think that people don't appreciate what they have need a dose of reality. If he really doesn't appreciate everything he has, I'd give him the bare basics like a bed and clothes and needs for school. Give him a week or two with no video games, no IPOD, no cell phone, or anything extra would make him appreciate what he has now.

I don't think this is about Christmas spirit just because he doesn't want to give gifts and thinks he gets "junk." I think this is about a 11 year old's attitude. That isn't a bad thing. I've seen lots of tweens try to start pushing the envelope at this age. I do apologize if you take this in a bad context because it certainly wasn't mean to be received that way. I know your feelings are hurt but it isn't anything you did.