I'm worried about my son - need advice

[The Mystery Machine]

It may be very hard for a parent to see their child not get Christmas gifts. IMO it's a lot harder as a parent to look at your child and think he isn't capable of caring for others. How devastating it would be to know your child's world doesn't go beyond the end of their own nose.

I also think participation in this is mandatory, no matter his opinion. Everybody has to learn sometime it's not all about them. This is something important to his family, he is to participate with a good attitude as a member of the family. It will not kill him, no matter what his love language or language of love is.

Exactly. If your "tradition" is to take the kids shopping and do this exchange, then he doesn't get a choice.

I don't understand all of the posts with the make him do this and don't allow him to get gifts, etc.

Yes he may be a bah humbug right now, but tough. He is a 11 with no frame of reference.

 

[luvsJack]

So the spirit of Christmas is "if you give me a gift, I will give you one"? That sounds like the lesson some of you are trying to teach.

I think adopting an Angel Tree child and allowing the OP's son to pick out the gifts, working at a homeless shelter or taking some gifts to a homeless shelter are all great things that will help with the spirit of Christmas.And all of that may help the OP with this issue. I don't think he is going to be of one opinion one second and then suddenly say "OH! I was wrong!" Most pre-teens just don't think that way. (don't you know they are NEVER wrong?)

The OP never said the child is not capable of caring for others. He doesn't want to buy a Christmas gift. It sounds like he wants to buy more expensive gifts than what is the tradition for he and his brothers purchase each other and for some reason is comparing his own gifts to someone else's (the comment about always getting junk-even though his gifts are not junk). That was the situation with my own son. I didn't give him an option of not buying, but just "here is the store and here is what you can spend--go for it" He bought what he wanted to buy and made what he wanted to make and was done. For my child it wasn't a matter of learning to appreciate gifts, he needed a lesson in how much things cost and how much money is there to spend. Once he realized that he just couldn't go out and spend $$$ for someone a gift, he started really getting into being creative with his buying and with coming up with gifts that cost little to nothing (like the coupons for car washing or raking leaves).

OP, just talk to your son. Get somewhere all alone and have a quiet talk about what is going on with him. He may have a totally different idea than what your fears are. There may be something going on with a friend or at school that has brought all this on. And then again it may be good old fashioned pre-teen attitude and "its all about me" mind set. Just remember "this too shall pass".

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

The spirit of Christmas is about sacrificing for others. Being empathic Towards others. Being concerned with the feelings of others. Not griping about what others give, or being selfish regarding your time and funds.

There are also social obligations in life. When you go to a birthday party you take a gift. When you celebrate christmas with people giving gifts you exchange gifts. And you do so politely.

 

[luvsJack]

The spirit of Christmas is about sacrificing for others. Being empathic Towards others. Being concerned with the feelings of others. Not griping about what others give, or being selfish regarding your time and funds.

There are also social obligations in life. When you go to a birthday party you take a gift. When you celebrate christmas with people giving gifts you exchange gifts. And you do so politely.

But, again, its not "well, if you don't give me a gift, I won't give you one".

I agree that there are social obligations in life. Giving a gift because you will be present at a gift exchange is a social obligation (having Christmas spirit when doing so, is not). Telling him "well, if you don't get gifts if you don't give gifts" is not teaching him that social obligation. If that is the lesson to be taught, then he should not be given any option. And I still think that giving alternative ways of giving gifts (not just buying them) would be the answer to that.

 

[mrsklamc]

OP, is your son a highly logical thinker? Some people are just very black and white and have a hard time doing things that don't make 'sense' to them. He's going to have to get over it, because that's not how life works, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's lost his Christmas spirit all together.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It may be very hard for a parent to see their child not get Christmas gifts. IMO it's a lot harder as a parent to look at your child and think he isn't capable of caring for others. How devastating it would be to know your child's world doesn't go beyond the end of their own nose.

The spirit of Christmas is about sacrificing for others. Being empathic Towards others. Being concerned with the feelings of others. Not griping about what others give, or being selfish regarding your time and funds.

This is how I see it too.

 

[palmtreegirl]

So the spirit of Christmas is "if you give me a gift, I will give you one"? That sounds like the lesson some of you are trying to teach.

I agree, you don't give gifts to get gifts. I'd just talk to him and ask him to think about how he's going to feel when he's receiving gifts but not giving anything in return. If he still insists on not giving then I'd probably say that's fine but I think you're going to regret your decision. He may just be saying it for the reaction and if he doesn't get the outrage he expects he may just back off altogether.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, is your son a highly logical thinker? Some people are just very black and white and have a hard time doing things that don't make 'sense' to them. He's going to have to get over it, because that's not how life works, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's lost his Christmas spirit all together.

It may be like my younger son told me one year: "why not just let db buy himself something and me buy myself something. that way it doesn't take so much thinking to figure out what to buy." (he was about 9) It was hard to argue because it did make sense! They are very, very different people and never had any of the same likes and dislikes so have a hard time picking out each other's gifts. He just decided that it made more sense not to waste so much time shopping. He wasn't trying to be scrooge, just sensible (or at least in his mind). I laughed and said, "not a chance" and he continued with his shopping.

These days their favorite gifts to open are from each other; they tend to get each other gag gifts and have a ball with them. That became the habit after I mentioned that exchanging gift cards seemed a bit silly. That may be another idea for the OP--let your kids start a different tradition in their gift exchange.

 

[boomersmom]

I was wondering if his attitude only applies to gifts or to everything. Just wondering if he could be depressed? Loss of interest in things is one of the signs.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

The spirit of Christmas is about sacrificing for others. Being empathic Towards others. Being concerned with the feelings of others. Not griping about what others give, or being selfish regarding your time and funds.

There are also social obligations in life. When you go to a birthday party you take a gift. When you celebrate christmas with people giving gifts you exchange gifts. And you do so politely.

This is, IMHO, what seems to be the true issue - DS has an "it's all about me" attitude. He's displaying obnoxious, narcissistic behavior. I'm not flaming anyone here. This is a stage that all children come to at some point in time (and some go through it a few times). It's up to us as parents to help them through this stage so that they don't get stuck in this stage and become boorish, narcissistic adults.

So he really wants a new XBox/PS2/Wii/whatever game? But that price tag isn't in Auntie's budget. So, instead, she finds a very nice shirt that she thinks is just his style and that she was able to get for an amazing sale price thus staying within her budget. When he opens this gift bought with love and consideration, does he graciously say thank you at the time and then save his complaints for later or does he right then-and-there grimace, throw the lid back on the box, and say nothing (or, worse yet, say "it's junk", or "ugh, a shirt", or "that's not what I wanted")?

If the answer is the former (a polite thank you but confiding his diappointment later) then, yes, maybe DS is just not comfortable giving/receiving gifts. But if the answer is the latter, then there's a life lesson that is sorely in need of teaching/re-teaching.

My opinion? I would definitely have a discussion with my son. Yes, he will definitely be giving (bought or made) something to at least his siblings - that's our house rule. When he's receiving, if he displays an ugly attitude at any point in time then all gifts ("cool" or "junk") are returned and he gets coal for Christmas. You can clue close family in on what you're planning to do so they, hopefully, can get on board the lesson learned train and not get horribly offended.

This scenario would probably be hardest on the parents. I wouldn't want my kid to get nothing for Christmas. But, if it actually came down to that, I would bet that it would only need to happen once!