I'm worried about my son - need advice

[melly]

I feel sorry for you. I myself spoil my kids but keep them in check by just pointing out others who are less fortunate. I get them to take part in things like the shoe box appeal (dont know if you have it over there in the states). If you want hardcore then just google some horrible images and show him how some people actually live day to day.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I feel sorry for you. I myself spoil my kids but keep them in check by just pointing out others who are less fortunate. I get them to take part in things like the shoe box appeal (dont know if you have it over there in the states). If you want hardcore then just google some horrible images and show him how some people actually live day to day.

Scare tactics are a short term fix. They do not work long term.

I'd tell him to get his act together. We sometimes have to do things we would rather not do. That is part of life. If he doesn't want gifts himself then don't get him any. Don't give him positive attention for negative behavior.

 

[RadioNate]

As the parent, you have the right to set what is acceptable in your family for gift giving and require him to participate. I'd require him to participate and make it very clear that if he's not giving, he won't be receiving.

However, I do have to address the "lost the Christmas spirit" comment. For some people, the gift giving part of Christmas is simply not important to them. I could go my whole life without ever receiving or giving another gift and it wouldn't bother me at all. I'd actually be relieved. That doesn't say anything about my Christmas spirit IMO. I love Christmas, bu when I think of Christmas, gifts don't even come across my mind other than my chore "to do" list.

I think he's being "naughty," but I also think it's possible he's just not into giving/receiving gifts and is trying to figure out how to survive in a family that's into it. Seriously, the book "the five love languages" helped me "get" that gifts are really important to some people. I think you need to put into words for him that for many people gifts are a way of giving and receiving love. For them, they are showing him they love him by giving him gifts and his refusal to give gifts is like saying he doesn't love them. While it might be possible gifts don't mean "love" to him, he needs to realize that they do for others and be willing to show love to them in this way.

I absolutely adore the 5 Love Languages Book. Therefor, I think this nailed it. You OP are a gift giver. There is 100% nothing wrong with that at all. What is happening is that your DS is not a gift giver.

My mom is a gift giver. This year for her birthday I royally screwed up, I didn't send a gift. I sent a card and made a phone call but I didn't send an actual present. She was devastated. Now before people go jumping on my mom...I could have sent her a $2 bag of her favorite candy wrapped up and that would have delighted her. To her, gifts are love. She shows people she loves them by buying them things she believes they will like (no matter the $ amount.) Can you see how that would also mean that when people buy her things that they think she will like, she feels like she is loved. I messed up. She felt unloved because I didn't send her a gift.

The OP is a gift giver. I'm going to guess the son is not.

I am not a gift giver either. I don't care if anyone buys me anything. My mom asked me through her tears "how would you feel if no one bought you a birthday present?" She couldn't understand how I honestly wouldn't feel hurt if I didn't get a gift. To me gifts are not how I give and receive love.

So OP, what is your DS's love language? Think about it. Here is the 30-second test that might help.
http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/30sec.html#love

In your shoes, I would teach him about the love languages. I wouldn't let him opt out but teach him what gift giving means to some people. And how it doesn't always have to be expensive or something tangible. Show him what receiving (and giving) gifts mean to some people.

Then find out what HIS love language is and taylor your presents to him to reflect that.

Right now I'm big on giving and receiving experiences. Tickets to events, memberships to museums...why, because my love language is quality time. I rather receive concert tickets to a show the giver and I can enjoy together than another sweater.

I don't think your DS has lost the Christmas spirt because he doesn't want to buy (or receive) junk. He is a tween that likely isn't a gift giver so bad attitude is emerging. Teach him to think of others and let him show his Christmas spirit his way. As much as he needs to learn to respond to your love language. You need to respond to his. Gifts aren't doing it for him. Find out what does.

 

[luvsJack]

Op, is your son totally against doing anything for anyone or is this just about Christmas? This doesn't have to mean that he is suddenly turning into a spoiled "prince?" (not sure what term to use, for a girl it would be princess).

It could very well just be a normal pre-teen "its not cool" stage.

My own son knew very well that there were other people who had a lot less than he (and he still knows that and gives freely of time and money). He just went through this time of "things" and the labels on those things as being important. He got over it and is no worse for the wear, didn't turn into a lifelong scrooge or any of that. My other son never went through that particular stage so I understand the concern but it really will pass.

I mean, go ahead with the lessons in why he has it better than so many and do either pick a child from the Angle Tree or volunteer at a meal for the homeless or both. Don't expect him to suddenly stop on a dime and do a complete 360--he is still that age. Preteens and teens are notorious for thinking "its all about me". He will eventually get the lesson, just be patient.


Another suggestion, would be if he doesn't want to buy gifts; maybe he would rather give of himself. A promise to do his brother's chores for a week for a birthday gift or a coupon for Dad for Christmas for a car wash--that kind of stuff.

 

[Nancyg56]

I agree with Luvsjack. Not everyone is into gifts. They neither want to give then nor do they like receiving them. I would call a family meeting and ask how everyone felt about not shopping this year. USe this as an opportunity to teach them that gifts are more than what money can buy, in fact for some folks time is way more valuable. You an also explain to your boy that you do understand that he does not want to exchange gifts with his siblings and that you are going to honor that. He and his brother are no longer exchanging gifts for birthdays.

I believe that the posters who have suggested that there is more to this are correct but as a parent I would try to find out what it is by not making a big deal out of his decision. I would let it play out.

When my oldest son was about 11 he went Christmas shopping for his siblings. He did shop but it was mostly for himself. He bought his brother a matchbox car and some little thing for his sister. I never said a word. When they opened their gifts on Christmas morning it was clear that the other two had put thought into their gifts and that they had used their money on those presents. His brother bought him a watch that he had wanted. They were gracious to him when they opened their little gifts but he was uncomfortable. We talked about it later on and I can honestly say that he never did that again. He is not a hefty spender but that is his prerogative. He does put thought into any gift he buys though. The best lessons learned are those that you learn yourself.

I am not doing much shopping lately on Holidays or birthdays either but it has nothing to do with "cheap" gifts. My DMIL told me that the best gift I ever gave her was the time she came home from a vacation and her entire house was spotless. She is 83 and that is my gift to her this year. I have often made coupons and given them to folks who need no material things but who could use my time for something. I am doing some of this again this year.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

I guess I don't see the big deal. Allow him to bypass this year's gift exchanges, which also means he does not receive presents. Plus, Thanksgiving hasn't even come yet! Maybe he will change his mind once the holidays are in full swing.

 

[firefox2]

big ((hugs))

would he be willing to buy a present off of an angel tree to donate instead? maybe they could all do that instead of buying for each and then go to mcdonalds or something as a treat? make a special day out of it? you and dad could do it too?

idk... i wish i could help because that is probably making you really sad i don't have kids and i don't think i've ever lost the christmas spirit.

I have to agree with this...my daughter use to always have a very long wish list. About 3 years ago, she started volunteering at the food bank, and now, she volunteers 2 days a week, same food bank, but preparing and serving food to the homeless, as well as arranging childrens parties (for Christmas, Easter, etc.). She is 17 years old now, and her Christmas list is pretty small, she mainly just asked for a few books, which she will read and pass on to others. Every year, I buy extra non perishables and stocking stuffers, etc., and she gets to go crazy handing them out, that is what makes her feel good.

 

[claudia]

Usually his Dad takes him and his two brothers out Christmas shopping, but today he said he's not buying any gifts.

My advice would to be to follow his lead...if he doesn't want to buy gifts then don't have the brother's buy him any gifts....let the brother's who want to exchange do that.

 

[Disney Doll]

My son is going to be 11 in December. When he was little, he enjoyed his birthday and Christmas. He was generally happy with the gifts he received and was a happy little guy. As he has gotten older, he has become less satisfied with the gifts he receives and now this year he says he is not giving any gifts! Usually his Dad takes him and his two brothers out Christmas shopping, but today he said he's not buying any gifts. He said he always gets clothes or junk that falls apart - totally untrue.

I tried explaining to him, when he acts like this, that a gift is something that someone buys for him and hopes that he will really like. Last year one of his brothers got him a bucket of bubble gum. They don't spend a ton on each other, but try to get things they think people will like.
I asked him if I gave him $10 and he tried to pick out a gift for someone, how would he want them to act when they opened it? I told him he should be gracious and say thank you and not act like someone gave him a box of dog poop.

This afternoon, I took his brother to buy my oldest son a gift for his birthday which is next week. He wanted to go too, but decided he wasn't going to spend $5.00 on a DVD or $2.50 on a can of cashews. He announced that he was not buying anything for anybody this year.

I'm going to be real honest with those of you who are suggesting "The 5 Love Languages" and saying that maybe "he's not into gift giving". These 2 paragraphs lead me to think that he's not into gift-giving because he doesn't think the gifts he gets are "adequate" or "good enough" for him. It doesn't sound like a kid who is looking at the deepr meaning of Christmas and being altruistic etc. It sounds like a kid who's spoiled or who thinks he should be. And that is a bad habit to let him get into. I have a SIL like that...I stopped giving her gifts a while back because she was so nasty about the gift being not up to her "expectations".

Gotta tell you OP, I'd nip this in the bud somehow. He doesn't want to buy gifts...fine. Then he doesn't get any. I think it's time for a big lesson here. And when the day came when he was standing there empty-handed, I'd say "You chose this route".

But I have been called a "witch" on many occasions, so what do I know???

 

[RadioNate]

I'm going to be real honest with those of you who are suggesting "The 5 Love Languages" and saying that maybe "he's not into gift giving". These 2 paragraphs lead me to think that he's not into gift-giving because he doesn't think the gifts he gets are "adequate" or "good enough" for him. It doesn't sound like a kid who is looking at the deepr meaning of Christmas and being altruistic etc. It sounds like a kid who's spoiled or who thinks he should be. And that is a bad habit to let him get into. I have a SIL like that...I stopped giving her gifts a while back because she was so nasty about the gift being not up to her "expectations".

Gotta tell you OP, I'd nip this in the bud somehow. He doesn't want to buy gifts...fine. Then he doesn't get any. I think it's time for a big lesson here. And when the day came when he was standing there empty-handed, I'd say "You chose this route".

But I have been called a "witch" on many occasions, so what do I know???

I understand what you are saying but from the non-gift giver you never really get the warm fuzzies from receiving gifts. In fact, I usually feel awkward and embarrassed by the whole exchange. I would rather forgo the entire thing.

On the surface, it does seem spoiled. I look at me with my gift giving mother. She puts so much pride and affection into gift giving that you are right, the gift never seems good enough. It isn't that I don't like it. It just doesn't give me the feeling that she is hoping for. I think the DS is missing the feeling behind the gifts. That can be hard for an 11 year old to get.

I'm not sure he is about being all altruistic but I do think that gift giving isn't his language. I think it goes beyond being a spoiled brat who is just thinks everyone should get him the latest and greatest while he gets them nothing.

Learning what his language is and speaking it to him will help him understand other people's languages and how to better speak them.

It is deep for an 11 year old, I get that. However, it isn't too early to start learning how other communicate and feel.

 

[disykat]

I haven't read a single post here that suggested he be allowed to continue to act in a way that is hurtful to his family. And most certainly no one has suggested he is being altruistic or searching for deeper meanings!

My thoughts on the whole gift giving thing came from an assumption that gifts are extremely important to other members of his family (based on equating Christmas Spirit with giving and receiving gifts) but don't seem important to him.

My whole point of mentioning the "love languages" thing is that someone needs to point out to him that there are people he is hurting by not understanding that some people feel loved by giving and receiving gifts and he needs to realize he is hurting people. If he is a person that doesn't value gift giving/receiving he may not realize what the big deal is. Kids actually need to be taught to value the feelings of others and understand that others may be hurt by different things than they are.

 

[luvsJack]

To be honest though, its easy to sit and say "well, if he doesn't give any gifts, he doesn't get any" when you are talking about someone else's kid. It would be very hard to see your own child not get gifts for Christmas (especially when he sees his siblings exchanging gifts)

I know that is no help with the OP's problem, but just an observation.

 

[Nicoleclaw]

Just to play devil's advocate....if you do the whole, you don't give, you don't get....isn't that kinda taking away the point that someone might want to GIVE a gift to him in the spirit of the holidays? It would go against trying to teach that it is ok to do something for someone even if they don't do for him? Although if his motivation is that his gifts aren't good enough, I guess he really doesn't want any? I would still do some sort of volunteering and use the money he would use on relatives for a donation gift.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

To be honest though, its easy to sit and say "well, if he doesn't give any gifts, he doesn't get any" when you are talking about someone else's kid. It would be very hard to see your own child not get gifts for Christmas (especially when he sees his siblings exchanging gifts)

I know that is no help with the OP's problem, but just an observation.

Of course his parents can give the child gifts. Seems like he is having problems buying gifts for his brothers. It also seems like he would be perfectly fine not receiving any from them. Buying presents isn't everyone's "thing". Heck, when I think about how long my Xmas list has gotten, I'm ready to put an end to some exchanges as well .

 

[a1tinkfans]

I totally disagree with this. His problem is that he understands the value of a dollar and simply doesn't feel giving/receiving gifts matches that value. The thing that needs to be corrected here is to get him to understand that this is very important to his loved ones and he needs to be polite and participate for their sake. It's not all about him.

I do agree with this however, I am wondering if anything else is going on...school, friends, eating habits changed....Is it just hat "age" and angst they go thru and it happens to fall near Holidays for him or maybe something else is going on.
I am sure that this will work itself out OP, hang in there. Your head and heart are in the right place, parenting is certainly no piece of cake

 

[JulyGirl]

Buying presents isn't everyone's "thing". Heck, when I think about how long my Xmas list has gotten, I'm ready to put an end to some exchanges as well .

Ain't that the truth! I do appreciate ALL the gifts that I receive, but there are so many I just have no use for and they end up in a pile down the basement or donated to charity. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I just keep up with the exchanges. I would really rather not have people wasting their money on me. I"m sure they feel the same way about some of the gifts from me. My favorite part of the holidays is spending more time with freinds and family I haven't seen all year. I don't need to unwrap something to have a good time. I kind of see OP son's point.

 

["Got Disney"]

I dont get why some are saying...well if he does not give than he for sure should be punished and not get

That is not what Christmas is about. He is 11 years old, not 22. There are other ways of giving without having to be threatened to give presents or else....

OP just explain to your 11 year old that sure it is better to give than to receive and explain why....and let him know that others will find pleasure in giving to him without him giving anything in return. Giving should always come from the heart...not to give so others will give to you. Giving is a pleasure and he will miss out on himself feeling that.

Just explain and let him make the decision for himself. He will learn in time that giving can feel better than receiving in good time. After all he is only 11....Show him you still love him by not holding back what you want to give to him.....that IMO would be giving him the wrong message of ...if ya dont give, well than ya just dont get. I give gifts to people that dont give to me...I dont turn around and say...well next year forget them. I got them a gift because I wanted to, not because I had to.

 

[LoraJ]

I agree with those who say if he does not want to participate in giving gifts, then he doesn't get.

I know volunteering was poo poo'd, but if you took the kids to a children's hospital and brought them cookies or something, maybe just seeing how grateful those kids are could open his mind a little.

 

[cabanafrau]

To be honest though, its easy to sit and say "well, if he doesn't give any gifts, he doesn't get any" when you are talking about someone else's kid. It would be very hard to see your own child not get gifts for Christmas (especially when he sees his siblings exchanging gifts)

I know that is no help with the OP's problem, but just an observation.

It may be very hard for a parent to see their child not get Christmas gifts. IMO it's a lot harder as a parent to look at your child and think he isn't capable of caring for others. How devastating it would be to know your child's world doesn't go beyond the end of their own nose.

I also think participation in this is mandatory, no matter his opinion. Everybody has to learn sometime it's not all about them. This is something important to his family, he is to participate with a good attitude as a member of the family. It will not kill him, no matter what his love language or language of love is.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

It may be very hard for a parent to see their child not get Christmas gifts. IMO it's a lot harder as a parent to look at your child and think he isn't capable of caring for others. How devastating it would be to know your child's world doesn't go beyond the end of their own nose.

I also think participation in this is mandatory, no matter his opinion. Everybody has to learn sometime it's not all about them. This is something important to his family, he is to participate with a good attitude as a member of the family. It will not kill him, no matter what his love language or language of love is.

I agree. It is a parent's job to teach their kids that is isn't all about them.