If a marriage ends within the first year, should the couple return the wedding gifts?

[mom2taylorandemily]

When my ex and I divorced, his mother asked for her gift back (which was cash), I then told her I'd gladly give it back when she repays my dad for their half of the wedding. I never heard from her again!!!
But no I didn't give any of the gifts back and by the way I had already sent out Thank you notes. We were only married 10 months when he cheated.

 

[kangareaux]

Isn't there some etiquette rule that can be Googled?

If the gifts have never been opened or used, it might be polite to return them, especially if the gifter knows they were never used. At some stores, like Kohls, you can return an item at any time, even 9 months and get money back.

Otherwise, as someone else said, don't expect a big gift, next wedding. If I had the nerve, I'd love to include a catalog pic of the item I sent and say something like, "Hope you will finally be able to use the blender, this time." But, of course, I wouldn't do that.

Sure, because she doesn't feel bad enough already?

I invited FRIENDS and LOVED ones to my wedding. I'd hope I chose them well enough that a friend or loved one of mine had enough compassion not to kick me when I'm down.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Isn't there some etiquette rule that can be Googled?

Of course there is - as you know, everything can be Googled! Okay, not exactly an etiquette site, but certainly a common-sense one: http://en.allexperts.com/q/Divorce-Issues-1626/Returning-wedding-gifts-Marriage.htm

 

[Imzadi]

Sure, because she doesn't feel bad enough already?

I invited FRIENDS and LOVED ones to my wedding. I'd hope I chose them well enough that a friend or loved one of mine had enough compassion not to kick me when I'm down.

Well, I certainly wouldn't USE my FRIENDS and LOVED ones to furnish a lifestyle for me I was no longer intending to live. Those presents were given for a specific purpose. Frankly, if they kept the UNOPENED ones, I'd have to wonder how money grubbing they were if they kept STILL have UNOPENED gifts that can be returned. They are going to have to do something with these gifts anyway. They are adults. They can be practical in spite of heartbreak. That's being an adult.

If they are unopened, with the gift card still attached so they know who sent them - which if they were planning on sending a thank you note, (also something you do for FRIENDS and LOVED ones,) they should have it listed somewhere what people sent, they only have to make a quick call or email & say, "Your generous gift will be left here in the garage. Please pick it up at your convenience. And thanks."

 

[tinatark]

Sounds like the acceptable etiquette for thank you notes and gift-giving after a wedding has been extended to this situation!

 

[Tuffcookie]

My personal feelings on the subject are: if I attended a wedding/reception and gave a gift, the couple lived up to their end of the deal once they were pronounced man and wife. How can anyone put a time frame on how long a couple is suppose to stay married in order to have a permanent claim on their gifts?
If you are giving such an expensive gift to a couple that it bothers you if they split up, then you have no business giving such a gift in the first place!

TC

 

[NHdisneylover]

Would I expect or ask to get a gift back? NO! Perhaps I would if I were very close to one of the people and had given a sizeable cash maount (like you hear of grandparents who give 20K to help the new couple buy a home or something).

However, I think it would be the better thing for the couple to do. Anything unopened (maybe it can be returned, maybe the giver would like ti use it, maybe they will gift it to someone else or donate it somewhere) and certainly cash gifts would be better off beign given back (graciously) to the givers.

I am not a very organized person, but I did make a list of who gave what when we opened gifts (to be used for thank you notes) and then shoved in it when other wedding memorablia so it would not be hard to know who gave how much cash who gave the unopend food processor, etc. We are comming up on our 14th anniversary in March and I still haev that list (it is in our NH house so I cannot access it at the moment, but I know where it is). The first year or two after the wedding I would check it before going to a family function so I could mention to aunt Nancy how nice the afghan looks in the living room or to aunt Veronica how much we enjoyed using the china at Easter, etc. Actually, now that i think about it I msut of read it over quite a bit--we had a smallish wedding with only about 80 guests, but I cam tell you what nearly everyone gave us even now

 

[LunchladyDoris]

No and it is tacky to ask for the presents back.

 

[quasar4legs]

We know someone that was marriage ended after 24 hours and they returned the unopened gifts to everyone. They got to the hotel room after the wedding and he admitted that he was gay but didn't know how to tell everyone.
Even in that situation I would never ask for my gift to be returned.

 

[Lassie Lynne]

My first marriage barely lasted a year. We had already used all gifts (household) and spend all monies that were gifts, and proper thank-you notes were written.

Upon our seperation, I was able to get my clothes, a beat-up car and thankfully I had not cashed two-weeks of pay yet (or I would have been penniless, and I am not joking about that). I think I was able to salvage a couple of gifts that were very small and sneaked them into my suitcase. What did I do to deserve this? I stood up to my husband and told him he couldn't physically abuse me anymore or I would do something about it. I never told anyone about the reason we broke up for years.

The reason why I write this is because you never know what actually goes on with a couple, and a short marriage could be for any reason. A gift given is a gift given, unless a marriage/wedding does not actually happen.

 

[wdwfan16]

I would never expect to get the wedding gifts back. It the bride had a shower and the wedding was called off, I could see returning those gifts.

For us we give money as a wedding gift. You get married, divorce and remarry don't expect the same amount of money the second time. We give a token gift for second marriage if we gave for the first marriage.

 

[kangareaux]

Well, I certainly wouldn't USE my FRIENDS and LOVED ones to furnish a lifestyle for me I was no longer intending to live. Those presents were given for a specific purpose. Frankly, if they kept the UNOPENED ones, I'd have to wonder how money grubbing they were if they kept STILL have UNOPENED gifts that can be returned. They are going to have to do something with these gifts anyway. They are adults. They can be practical in spite of heartbreak. That's being an adult.

If they are unopened, with the gift card still attached so they know who sent them - which if they were planning on sending a thank you note, (also something you do for FRIENDS and LOVED ones,) they should have it listed somewhere what people sent, they only have to make a quick call or email & say, "Your generous gift will be left here in the garage. Please pick it up at your convenience. And thanks."

I'm sorry...I give a wedding GIFT with no strings attached. If the marriage doesn't work out, there's no way I'd expect either spouse to return that GIFT. I didn't give anything that must be returned. It's not a loan. It doesn't come with an expiration date. I guess my thinking is that if my friend's marraige broke up less than a year into it, she'd be heartbroken. Not only that, but they'd be spitting their household. She'd need that gift even more then.

Again, why kick a person while they're down by expecting the gift back? *IF* they want to, that's great. I'm just saying I think it's rude and hurtful to EXPECT it when they are going through so much already.

 

[kangareaux]

My first marriage barely lasted a year. We had already used all gifts (household) and spend all monies that were gifts, and proper thank-you notes were written.

Upon our seperation, I was able to get my clothes, a beat-up car and thankfully I had not cashed two-weeks of pay yet (or I would have been penniless, and I am not joking about that). I think I was able to salvage a couple of gifts that were very small and sneaked them into my suitcase. What did I do to deserve this? I stood up to my husband and told him he couldn't physically abuse me anymore or I would do something about it. I never told anyone about the reason we broke up for years.

The reason why I write this is because you never know what actually goes on with a couple, and a short marriage could be for any reason. A gift given is a gift given, unless a marriage/wedding does not actually happen.

 

[anniemae]

I would not expect a gift back, I mean if you gave money, it may be spent already, and how would you remember all the amounts that people gave you? Especially since some give cash.

Also, if it was a physical gift, it would most likely be used by this point.

 

[happygirl]

Okay, to me it seems like an odd question, but I have a friend who was married last spring and is now getting divorced. It's been 9 months. They had a medium to large wedding (first marriage for both of them) and many of the gifts they received haven't even been opened yet. I was talking to my friend today and she tells me she's been asked over and over if she will be returning people's wedding gifts because the marriage was so short.

Is this common?

No, I can't even image asking for a gift back

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't know how to answer this. If the person in question has gifts with tags that have not been opened I could see giving them back.

However this poses a dilemma with people that gave cash or gifts that are being used that cannot be returned or regifted, you know.

For me personally I would just let it go.

 

[okeydokey]

I would never expect to have a gift returned, but if another wedding followed closely on the heels of the first, I would scale back on the gift the second (or third) time around.

 

[scottishduffy]

My cousin A was only married for 3 months. It was a trainwreck from the beginning and we all knew there was no way this wedding was going to last. The whole family was taking bets on how long the wedding would last (including brides dad and brothers!). Cousin A and the boy were desperate for a wedding but had no clue about marriage, they were just 18.

When the marriage fell apart 3 months later, we never even thought to ask for gifts back. A gift is just that, a gift. It is given with love and with no strings attached. It was not given as some sort of contractual agreement.

Though she has *technically* given some back. At my wedding and others since then she has been giving her old wedding gifts as gifts to others! I got the world's ugliest picture frame for my wedding from A. It wouldn't have been so bad except we sat around at her shower for 30 minutes all giggling about this novelty picture frame someone gave her and how ugly it was (Meant to be ugly! even giver was laughing).

 

[Ember]

Though she has *technically* given some back. At my wedding and others since then she has been giving her old wedding gifts as gifts to others! I got the world's ugliest picture frame for my wedding from A. It wouldn't have been so bad except we sat around at her shower for 30 minutes all giggling about this novelty picture frame someone gave her and how ugly it was (Meant to be ugly! even giver was laughing).

Oh dear, re-gifting gone wrong!

 

[Aisling]

I don't think the couple should return the wedding gifts. The giver knows he's/she's taking a chance with the divorce rate being 50% these days.