If a marriage ends within the first year, should the couple return the wedding gifts?

[mjkacmom]

Well, I certainly wouldn't USE my FRIENDS and LOVED ones to furnish a lifestyle for me I was no longer intending to live. Those presents were given for a specific purpose. Frankly, if they kept the UNOPENED ones, I'd have to wonder how money grubbing they were if they kept STILL have UNOPENED gifts that can be returned. They are going to have to do something with these gifts anyway. They are adults. They can be practical in spite of heartbreak. That's being an adult.

If they are unopened, with the gift card still attached so they know who sent them - which if they were planning on sending a thank you note, (also something you do for FRIENDS and LOVED ones,) they should have it listed somewhere what people sent, they only have to make a quick call or email & say, "Your generous gift will be left here in the garage. Please pick it up at your convenience. And thanks."

Just because the blender is still in the box doesn't mean the giver hasn't been sent a thank-you note. And why won't these gifts be used? I assume they'll just get their own housing. I would feel sorry for the couple, and figure they spent over $100 on me to eat, drink, and be merry for a few hours. Keep my blender (not that I would've given a blender...).

 

[bettymae1121]

Sigh. A good friend of mine's sister was getting married (the bride was also a friend, but I'm closer to the sister) and we all feared the marriage wouldn't last, including the priest, who almost refused to preform the ceramony as late as the night before, because his misgivings about the groom were so bad. He should have listened to his instincts...

The groom was from England, and so they had TWO weddings, one here and one near his home in Oxford. The bride's family paid for all of the one here and about half of the one in England. The marriage was over in less than six months (this was a good thing, the groom was borderline abusive). I felt so bad for them being out all the money for the weddings. The bride really wanted the marriage to work, but the situation was unbarable and the groom unwilling to change. Her faith prohibits divorce in all but the most extreme circumstances, so I know she didn't give up lightly.

I did not get nor did I expect (or want) my gift back. When she married again a few years later, I again gave a gift (cash, there were extenuating circumstances and I wanted to help her out). She is very happy in her second marriage, and I think this one will last.

ETA: As for unopened or unused wedding gifts, I recently helped another married friend move from a condo to a much larger single family home. Many of their dishes and glassware from the wedding was still in the boxes and unused, simply because they had no room to put them on display and they were frankly safer and easier to store in their boxes. A few small appliances were also stored because there was no room in the kitchen to use them. Now that they have more space, they are fully enjoying all of their gifts. So there could be some really good reasons why some things aren't opened and used right away.

 

[luvmy3]

I think if someone is the type that expects gifts to be returned in this kind of situation, then maybe they shouldn't be giving gifts at all.

 

[NYPDwife]

No, it's called a gift b/c you don't expect to get it back. The people who are asking the woman if she's going to give the gifts back are rude.

 

[Heidict]

Wow, that has to be one of the tackiest and rudest thing to ask. I can't believe that there are actually people who would expect them to give their gifts back. That is something that would never cross my mind. Guess it's moments like these you realize who people really are. Friends, who gave a gift to friends, helping them to celebrate or greedy people who give gifts with strings attached.

In regards to not immediatly using gifts and leaving them in their boxes, my DH and I lived in a small one bedroom place when we got married. Therefore, most of our gifts where never taken out of their boxes. They were just stored away. Then a year or so later, when we moved to a bigger place we were able to throw the old stuff out, saving us the hassle of moving it and start in a new house with new things.

 

[stashbin]

this reminds me of a story i overheard someone telling at a bar

he was saying that he went to this huge wedding and gave an appropriate gift. couple goes on the honeymoon, come home, tell their parents its over. the dad goes to the bride and says basically tell me what this guy did to you that would make you do this? her response, oh we knew before the wedding, but felt bad since the invites had already gone out. dad flipped. the guy at the bar said, i'm not asking for my money back but the next wedding i'm invited to, i'm taking advantage of the 1 year grace period to give a gift..

Oh Wow!!! That's awful!
My sister-in-law has been engaged twice and has had 2 different showers and each time I gave a gift. Both engagements never resulted in a ceremony and she kept ALL of the gifts. I thought that was tacky!

 

[Nennie]

I would never ask or expect to have a wedding gift returned simply b/c the marriage didn't last. I went to the wedding, had a great time, gave a gift, etc. I could never imagine kicking someone when they are down by suggesting that they return the gifts.

It's a little different, but I have been involved in 2 situations where there was a baby shower, and then the baby was stillborn. Gifts and nursery decor were packed up and stored while the parents were still in the hospital (so they didn't have to come home to baby gear, an empty nursery, etc), but never in a million years did anyone ask that their gift be returned. They were simply saved for when the couples had another child (and in both cases the couples went on to have another baby).

 

[Angelhalo]

No. A gift is a gift. Gifts shouldn't be conditional.

 

[dicar123]

I've been married for 19 years and I bet I still have at least one set of Corelle cookware that hasn't been opened. We probably should have returned a couple of sets for cash but I never dreamed we'd fail to break them.

A previous poster mentioned putting away baby gifts after a child was stillborn. I hope the parents were asked before the gifts were put away. After my SIL birthed a stillborn child, my mom and aunts went to their apartment and packed up all the baby stuff. They only intended to be kind, and not have my brother and his wife upset by having to deal with the baby things. Unfortunately, my SIL saw that as trying to sweep the whole thing away as if it never happened. It caused a bit of a rift...

 

[okeydokey]

Oh Wow!!! That's awful!
My sister-in-law has been engaged twice and has had 2 different showers and each time I gave a gift. Both engagements never resulted in a ceremony and she kept ALL of the gifts. I thought that was tacky!

That's just wrong. If she gets engaged again, I would skip her gift.

 

[kangareaux]

I've been married for 19 years and I bet I still have at least one set of Corelle cookware that hasn't been opened. We probably should have returned a couple of sets for cash but I never dreamed we'd fail to break them.

A previous poster mentioned putting away baby gifts after a child was stillborn. I hope the parents were asked before the gifts were put away. After my SIL birthed a stillborn child, my mom and aunts went to their apartment and packed up all the baby stuff. They only intended to be kind, and not have my brother and his wife upset by having to deal with the baby things. Unfortunately, my SIL saw that as trying to sweep the whole thing away as if it never happened. It caused a bit of a rift...

I had to LOL at the Corelle comment. My mom had some that lasted *forever*. (10+ years and she still had nearly the whole set of plain, thin, white, cheapy looking dishes) She would get ticked because she wanted new dishes, but wouldn't buy any as long as we already had *perfectly good dishes* in the cabinet. I remember her dropping one (accidentally I'm sure...) and hearing from the kitchen: "These d***ed things are never going to break!" I think that's the year my dad got her the nice set of china for Christmas.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Okay, to me it seems like an odd question, but I have a friend who was married last spring and is now getting divorced. It's been 9 months. They had a medium to large wedding (first marriage for both of them) and many of the gifts they received haven't even been opened yet. I was talking to my friend today and she tells me she's been asked over and over if she will be returning people's wedding gifts because the marriage was so short.

Is this common?

Nope,. but it is RUDE!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oh Wow!!! That's awful!
My sister-in-law has been engaged twice and has had 2 different showers and each time I gave a gift. Both engagements never resulted in a ceremony and she kept ALL of the gifts. I thought that was tacky!

That is awful. If I had a SIL like that she is getting her wedding gift after 6 months.

 

[DarthKTrava]

I don't give a gift expecting to get it back should the marriage end.

 

[turtlebay]

Well our situation is simular to bettymae1121 posted yesterday. My daughters wedding probably never should have been, but she thought she could change him. You can try and tell them but if their mind is made up all you can do is support them. Today is 1 month that they are married. He says he loves her but won't talk to her and acts like he is living a single life. He has a 3 yr old son that he keeps every other weekend and more. She accepted him fine and gets along with him very well. My daughter has a nice big house on 10 acres of land that she did not move into until they were married. It's not good enough for him, he doesn't like the paint colors, doesn't like the carpet she picked out. All this was before he was in the picture. They met on a blind date in May 2009, engaged Aug 2009 and married Dec 2009. Bad raging temper, things have to be his way or no way, no patience with son. He wasn't like this when she met him or she didn't see it. Things weren't right before the marriage and everyone knew it wasn't going to work. The preacher even counseled with them prior to the wedding and he still had his doubts. The second night of the honeymoon she wanted out of the marriage. Question is ? Does she give back all gifts that were received? Some she already opened and using. They only got $350 cash and checks and still have it because he is so controlling that he doesn't know what he wants to do with it yet. Family has asked when they are going to cash the check so they can balance their check book. Our side of the family said to take the money and put it towards the divorce since she doesn't have any money. They said they don't want it back because it was a gift. But then a friend said they would probably give back the checks and cash since they still had it. She hasn't written the thankyou's yet because so much has been going on. She is always real good at her thankyou's, but now doesn't know how to even write them just in case she gets a divorce. She wanted to go tomorrow and get one but now he is saying that he is sorry for treating her like he has and that she is to good for him and please lets try to work it out. The whole time he was saying this he was raging and yelling, walking the floor and just going off like it was her fault again. Someone please help!!!!

 

[Kimberle]

Well our situation is simular to bettymae1121 posted yesterday. My daughters wedding probably never should have been, but she thought she could change him. You can try and tell them but if their mind is made up all you can do is support them. Today is 1 month that they are married. He says he loves her but won't talk to her and acts like he is living a single life. He has a 3 yr old son that he keeps every other weekend and more. She accepted him fine and gets along with him very well. My daughter has a nice big house on 10 acres of land that she did not move into until they were married. It's not good enough for him, he doesn't like the paint colors, doesn't like the carpet she picked out. All this was before he was in the picture. They met on a blind date in May 2009, engaged Aug 2009 and married Dec 2009. Bad raging temper, things have to be his way or no way, no patience with son. He wasn't like this when she met him or she didn't see it. Things weren't right before the marriage and everyone knew it wasn't going to work. The preacher even counseled with them prior to the wedding and he still had his doubts. The second night of the honeymoon she wanted out of the marriage. Question is ? Does she give back all gifts that were received? Some she already opened and using. They only got $350 cash and checks and still have it because he is so controlling that he doesn't know what he wants to do with it yet. Family has asked when they are going to cash the check so they can balance their check book. Our side of the family said to take the money and put it towards the divorce since she doesn't have any money. They said they don't want it back because it was a gift. But then a friend said they would probably give back the checks and cash since they still had it. She hasn't written the thankyou's yet because so much has been going on. She is always real good at her thankyou's, but now doesn't know how to even write them just in case she gets a divorce. She wanted to go tomorrow and get one but now he is saying that he is sorry for treating her like he has and that she is to good for him and please lets try to work it out. The whole time he was saying this he was raging and yelling, walking the floor and just going off like it was her fault again. Someone please help!!!!

I'm sorry your dd has to go through this. The least of her worries shoud be about her wedding gifts. The marriage took place, the gifts are hers. Persnally, I'd want my dd to leave this man before he does something physical.

 

[turtlebay]

Thankyou, I'm thinking the same thing. Get her to safety. I don't know why she thinks he will change...32 yrs old..has his set ways.

 

[C.Ann]

I'm sorry your dd has to go through this. The least of her worries shoud be about her wedding gifts. The marriage took place, the gifts are hers. Persnally, I'd want my dd to leave this man before he does something physical.

Couldn't agree more..

Poor thing..

 

[disneyfav4ever]

Count me as another one who thinks it's tacky to ask for gifts back.

 

[DarthKTrava]

I'm sorry your dd has to go through this. The least of her worries shoud be about her wedding gifts. The marriage took place, the gifts are hers. Persnally, I'd want my dd to leave this man before he does something physical.

She needs to get rid of his sorry butt. My sister is married to a guy with a hot temper. Which he showed the rest of us on Thanksgiving. I also don't see this lasting too long.... both have tempers and she's afraid her ex is going to try for custody of her second son away from her.

Note: they didn't get any gifts when they got married.