I wrecked Valentines Day before breakfast

[POOHDRMR]

I am sorry for you that you are having a bad day.I think that I can maybe shed alittle light on your wifes reaction because I can relate.What I get upset about with my husband is that I feel like he doesn't put much effort in getting me a gift.Whether it is Valentines day or Christmas.He usually is out 3 days before x-mas picking me up things and can't get what I like because they are already out of it.Now I don't even want him to get me gifts because I would rather just buy for my daughter and I don't ned anything but he likes to get me something-thats fine but I want to feel like I am important enough to take the time and shop before the day before a holiday,I mean Christmas is the same day each year you know its coming.I know you have to get flowers the day before or they will die but I too feel sad when my hubby gives me flowers that I have said I don't like.I feel like he doesn't listen to me or i'm not important enough to remember my likes after all these years.It feels like there was no thought into the present and it was just an obligatory gift.Now I see from reading your post that you did put thought into it and you knew they were not her fav but you didn't think that she would have this reaction and you really were trying.Maybe if you just told her that tonight it would help her realize.Sometimes as moms we feel like we do everything for everyone and try to always make things special and we don't get it back.Today I got a box of candy from my husband that I don't like but I do know that he meant well and we said we were not going to buy anything-not even a card for each other this year so he went out of his way to get me the candy so I will not utter a complaint about this!But I still wonder why he can rember the stats for the entire football league but can't remember I don't like Dove chocolate I hope that your day gets better and I do think that you guys need to have a calm talk about this tonight and try to explain your side and hopefully she can be calmer and explain why this upset her so much.

 

[mm_ja]

That's not really an apology. That is saying "well sorry but I had my reasons" not "I'm sorry I hurt you".KWIM?

See that to me is helpful to know. I always mean it as "I'm sorry I hurt you, I hope you can see by my thought process and decisions for my actions that I didnt mean to hurt you". I guess it is just a way to try and communicate that the way things turned out was an accident, you know its not like I was trying to figure out a way to upset or hurt her. I guess that all goes back to that communication thing again.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Get a new wife.

Okay, since that doesn't work, I don't know WHAT to tell you. I think she is way, WAY off as mostly everyone else here said. I'm a wife and I would NEVER do that, even if presented with a bowl of fresh cut onions. I hate onions, my DH knows it, but at least I could accept them gracefully, you know what I mean?

And I'm just dying to know what she got you.

 

[RadioNate]

Ok I'll go with the passive aggressive but I have to say maybe the op is a little too. You knew she hated red roses but yet got them anyway. THAT is what she is upset about. Not the flowers. The fact that by that gift you are showing that you don't value her opinion or her listen to what she says.(not that that really was your intention I'm just saying how she might have read it) She just wants to know you listen and care about HER. Women 101

I think your other gifts are spot on- they show you pay attention to what she says and you really want her to be happy. You menat well- just screwed up the delivery. Note to you- NEVER EVER RED ROSES.

Now was she being a baby and throwing a temper fit over flowers - yes but I think it is more than the flowers that she is questioning.

Hang in there. I asked dh not to get me anything. I don't need a gift today to know he cares about me. Will he get me one- probably - will I be upset- nope I'll be grateful.

i agree with this poster. it isn't about the flowers, it is about the fact that your wife felt like you don't listen to her. She is feeling like her thoughts and feelings don't matter. And this is deeper than just Valentines Day. One 'wrong' gift can be overlooked but this is the proverbial straw. To me she is obviously feeling like you don't value her opinion and listen to her (both VERY big deals to women) and the flowers were just a symbol of that problem.

I do agree that she has some issues. Truthfully, I think you both need to work on your communication with eachother.

The same situation happened w/my DH at christmas. I much have told him 10 times what I wanted. Pointed it out at stores and showed him the best deals. The holiday came and I got a few little things and a box of money (really he made an origami box out of bills). When I opened up the $, he said, I didn't know what else to get you. I was upset, not because I was a selfish baby who was mad I didn't get what I wanted but because I specifically told him what to get. It was as if he didn't pay any attention to what I was saying. I wasn't subtle - I learned not to make that mistake years ago. I did express my disappointment w/out a temper tantrum and then used my money to buy my own gift.

 

[Buckalew11]

Okay, some peope will not like my reply. But I think it is time to get some b*lls and stand up to your DW. Without ridiculing or belittling her, you need to set some things straight.

You wanted to buy red roses. It is her option to not like them, but to be offended by them is RIDICULOUS and not acceptable. You need to tell her this.

Her OCD with the blinds/house is fine for her, but it is not fair for her to pass it to you and your kids. When she *itches about these OCD issues you need to clearly state that it does not bother you so you will not be fixing the blinds (or whatever).

People (not just women) like your wife like backbone. They push and push and push hoping you will push back a little (figuratively, not literally. please don't go home and push her off the roof or anything).

You need to do it with soft hands, but it is time for you to reclaim you position in this family and relationship. You are an equal partnet, and self-sufficient human being. You have the right to buy the gifts you like and she should remember the golden rule.

If my DW ever reacted like this to a gift, it would be the only gift she gets for the rest of her life. Red rose for Bday. Red rose for M-Day. Red rose for no special reason day. Tough Love!

Actually, I like this reply. Are you my DH?
I think the OP sounds like such a nice guy and yet is just not able to please this hard to please woman.

This morning DD and I got and found that we each had a red rose and a card from DH. Tuesday was my b-day and when I got up there was a yellow rose and a card.
I do not like yellow roses. I do not care for red ones either. I like pink ones if I am chosing a rose. It has been 20 years and DH always gets me yellow. When I turned 20, out of the blue he sent me yellow roses and has ever since. I like spring flowers and zenias. Yet, every year I get yellow.
I always just say thank you and give him a kiss because I love him.

I think you let your wife treat you like this. She sounds like she'd treat a stranger better than she does you. She sounds bossy, rude and controlling. And why? Well, for one thing, you let her treat you that way.

I dated a guy for 4 years before DH came along and I loved the guy and he adored me. But I did not treat him with respect and could have been so much better to him than I was. But he let me and for whatever reason, I did it. I am ashamed of the way I treated him.
When I met DH I learned very quickly that was not going to all be to treat him that way. We love and respect each other. Sure, he buys me the wrong color flowers but I am sure there are things I do habitually that he'd change also.

Good luck going home tonight. I'd forget about trying to make her happy today. She'll just resent anything you, most likely. She'll continue this treatment as long as you allow her to treat you this way. I know this will not be accepted well but having experienced it, I totally believe it. Please, don't let yourself be treated like this. Your marriage will be a lot better for it.

 

[themilesfamily]

To the OP -- get off these message boards and talk to your wife about getting some couples counseling. And if she doesn't want to, go to a counselor yourself.

I'm guessing there's more going on in your marriage than, "she just didn't like the flowers."

Edited to add: I really do wish you both the best of luck. Marriage & communication issues are certainly a challenge. I think most people who have been married can say they've struggled with some area of their relationship. And there is NO shame in getting counseling!!! DH and I have done it. And if he hadn't been willing to, I would have gone on my own.

 

[mm_ja]

I think you let your wife treat you like this. She sounds like she'd treat a stranger better than she does you.

She would and does. She has said to me on more than one occasion that she guards how she is in public, but since I am the closest person to her and she feels safe enough around me to be herself she is. Now she will admit she doesnt like that about herself. I think this attitude is an issue with her. She will not let on to anyone if there are any kind of problems. She will not seek help from anyone outside our family (by that I mean me and her) for anything. She feels the need to present that we are a wonderful happy family with no issues what so ever. In the past we had financial difficulty and our church offered financial counseling. We didnt take advantage because she didnt want others to think we were 20 something adults and didnt know what we were doing. Similarly in the past I had suggested marriage counseling, but she didnt like the idea of finding family to watch the kids while we went becasue we would have to tell them where we would be going and then we would be seen as failures.

 

[bumbershoot]

I have only read the 1st page.

But I totally understand where your wife is coming from.

You spent $35 of the family's money on flowers that she does not like. That is BEYOND throwing the family's money away. And you bought a vase. A vase that she'll have to clean when the flowers finish the rotting process, then find a place for. And since she isn't a huge fan of dead flowers, it might not be used again.

You knew her feelings on this, but YOUR feelings of needing to get her something trumped that. Why?

Why did you feel such a strong need to get her something that you went against what you know her feelings are?


If you couldn't stifle your need to get her flowers, WHY did you mess it up by getting her what society feels she needs, rather than what you knew she liked?


Hubby and I almost broke up before becoming hubby and wife b/c of his near pathological to get me presents I didn't want and didn't want him to waste his money on. It started with the engagement ring, which I didn't want. I had a ring of my grandmother's, and I told him repeatedly that that was all I wanted or needed. He just could not hear me, because of the brainwashing from his mother (who got new "rocks" each time she found out about another affair) ringing in his ears. He spent money he didn't have to buy me a rock I didn't want, then that was returned b/c of quality issues, then I somehow ended up designing a ring I didn't want, and omg it just caused issues. All I wanted was to wear my g'ma's engagement ring, and it took 5 years of being together for him to finally get that and feel ridiculous for what we went through. The money spent on that ring, for his need to "claim" me with a ring, could have gone to our wedding, honeymoon, or retirement fund, and would have been much more meaningful.

Other presents he has tried to get me have gone the same route. He hears "she doesn't want a present" in his head, but his own urges overtake that, and he ends up getting me just about the WORST presents he could pick; things that aren't used, that just sit there.

I could suck it up and feign happiness at these things.

He could suck it up and stop getting me these things.

Or we could compromise, and if he felt the absolute need to get me *something*, because everyone else is doing it, he could get me things I would like, or at least NOT get me something he knows I doesn't like.

Like the red roses you bought your wife.

 

[mickeyboat]

Like the red roses you bought your wife.

So he struck out with the roses, but he bought her two other gifts that were exactly what she asked for / liked.

I also don't remember hearing that she despised red roses, just that she prefers yellow tulips. My DH knows that I prefer Brach's conversation hearts, but when he went to the store, they were all out, so he bought the Necco brand instead. I'm not going to freak out.

Denae

 

[bumbershoot]

Sorry, I'm with your wife. I think she made too much of it but you KNEW all the things you were doing were things she did not want and you did it anyway. When you are romancing a woman, you pay attention to the details or you fail. Some women are so greatful for any attention they will overlook this lack of attention to detail. Others are not so desperate. I know you love your wife and deep down she knows it too. But, don't make this kind of mistake again. Also, I have a feeling that you've communicated with us much more here in this thread than you normally communicate with her. Send HER an email....tell her how you feel about her....don't waste your time here. Doesn't seem like you have very much to spare. Again....pay attention to the details or your actions are generic. No woman likes to be treated like just anyone, they want to feel special and appreciated. That means YOU notice what they like and what they don't, responding accordingly.

I think I love you.

 

[disykat]

Although I also agree (like everyone here) that she overreacted, I can also relate to the wife. I don't like jewelry, I don't like flowers (the allergies and the expense, not that I dislike all flowers), and I don't consider lingerie a gift for ME. DH and I have had problems over the years with him buying me things because he thinks I SHOULD want them. I've told him to stop reading those women's magazines and listen to me when I tell him I don't want those things!

I don't want a gift at all, I want to go out to dinner. He knows that, but sometimes it seems to me he just doesn't care. I always wonder what could motivate someone to give a gift you KNOW the recipient won't like - especially if you know what they would like and it is cheaper and easier. We always try to talk about no gifts/ gifts BEFORE the occasions to avoid hurt feelings.

We've been married 17 years, so hopefully dh won't come home bearing gifts. If he does, hopefully it would be something he chose for ME. He's not the best at picking gifts, but I always appreciate his efforts if he was clearly buying it for me not for himself. If he buys me DVDs of the Partridge Family, I can but can be appreciative because I realize he bought them because he heard me say something about watching them as a kid. If he buys me Roses, I'm because I wonder why he doesn't know me.

 

[Mischa]

I haven't read ALL the messages but to be honest with you (OP) - your wife definitely has issues. AND you do not need to take that type of attitude from her.

I think both of you need counseling (individually and/or couples counseling). Sounds like a lot of issues you both have.

My favorite flowers are lilacs; my dh never has gotten me lilacs. He always gets me roses. Do I care? No! The point is he was thinking of me and got me something! I've never jumped on him about spending our money or "those aren't the kind of flowers I like." I would never do that. heck I would have LOVED to have walked into the kitchen this morning and see flowers (whether they were red roses, yellow tuplips, or whatever!)

Seriously, you both need to sit down and talk about what is bothering both of you. and you need to be honest with yourselves and each other.

And one more thing...what she said to you about being a "role model" for your sons - that was just uncalled for and definitely NOT nice.

Good luck!!

 

[RadioNate]

So he struck out with the roses, but he bought her two other gifts that were exactly what she asked for / liked.

I also don't remember hearing that she despised red roses, just that she prefers yellow tulips. My DH knows that I prefer Brach's conversation hearts, but when he went to the store, they were all out, so he bought the Necco brand instead. I'm not going to freak out.

Denae

Has he given those gifts to her yet? I was under the impression that he hadn't given those gifts yet and was waiting for the evening (their traditional time to celebrate which is why she didn't give him anything).

I could be wrong and those gifts were presented along with the roses.

ETA - I also agree with the marriage counseling suggestion. I see you said your kids are in school so you can go during the day and don't have to ask anyone to babysit. You could also hire a sitter who won't care where you are going.

Unfortunately I can relate to your wife. Being a SAHM is very isolating. Sounds like she has some depression/self-esteem issues and isn't feeling valued. My marriage took a really hard hit because of this. Our issues snowballed until we were both unhappy and in a huge crisis that we are still digging our way out of. There is hope, you just have to work for it.

 

[mickeyboat]

Has he given those gifts to her yet? I was under the impression that he hadn't given those gifts yet and was waiting for the evening (their traditional time to celebrate which is why she didn't give him anything).

I could be wrong and those gifts were presented along with the roses.

No, I think you are right. From her standpoint, it was only roses, from his, it was roses plus these other things. I guess I could argue that since they traditionally celebrate in the evening, she might have jumped the gun in assuming that was all he got her, and that since he gave her those in the morning, she jumped the gun and assumed there was nothing else.

 

[Texa]

She would and does. She has said to me on more than one occasion that she guards how she is in public, but since I am the closest person to her and she feels safe enough around me to be herself she is. Now she will admit she doesnt like that about herself. I think this attitude is an issue with her. She will not let on to anyone if there are any kind of problems. She will not seek help from anyone outside our family (by that I mean me and her) for anything. She feels the need to present that we are a wonderful happy family with no issues what so ever. In the past we had financial difficulty and our church offered financial counseling. We didnt take advantage because she didnt want others to think we were 20 something adults and didnt know what we were doing. Similarly in the past I had suggested marriage counseling, but she didnt like the idea of finding family to watch the kids while we went becasue we would have to tell them where we would be going and then we would be seen as failures.

If you know this it was never about the roses and you were aware of that.
It sounds like you see yourself as the real victim of this situation. It is obvious from your subsequent posts that there IS more to the situation than just the roses, and you KNOW that.

Stop playing the victim. Offer counseling and if she doesn't go, then go yourself. If you need financial counseling and she won't go, go yourself. Don't sit back and blame her, step up and do something about it.

 

[jen0610]

And one more thing...what she said to you about being a "role model" for your sons - that was just uncalled for and definitely NOT nice.

Good luck!!

As if she is setting a better example as a "role model" - Showing that when/or if a gift is given that doesn't meet your exact requirments, you are allowed to demean the person who gave it to you and be ungreatful for the GIFT.

Can you just picture their kids next christmas, telling grandma - I said I WANTED the Blue one, not the GREEN one. Either get me exactly what I want or don't get me anything.

In our house, they would be told, as the gift was being taken away, that is just fine by us, ungrateful people end up with just that, nothing.

 

[goofygirl]

You definitely need to be heard and have a right to explain BUT the apology is not the time to do it. As another posted said it comes off like "I'm sorry BUT..."

IMO, BOTH of you need to work through forgiveness issues. I'm sure she pulls stuff like this out when a new fight crops up, but you did the same by bringing the blinds "fights" into this. If she feels unforgiven, she won't easily forgive.



It not ONLY flowers if the wife wanted it to be something more. If it comes across to the wife as we don't have the same priorities, or I don't hear what you say or understand your needs, then it's not ONLY flowers. Not saying her reaction was right or approriate (it wasn't), just saying it sounds like the symptom of bigger problems.



Spoken like a true unmarried woman.

And what are you implying by that last remark?

 

[AKL_Megs]

I have only read the 1st page.

But I totally understand where your wife is coming from.

You spent $35 of the family's money on flowers that she does not like. That is BEYOND throwing the family's money away. And you bought a vase. A vase that she'll have to clean when the flowers finish the rotting process, then find a place for. And since she isn't a huge fan of dead flowers, it might not be used again.

I sort of agree with this.

My DF once bought me these cheap pink carnations and an ugly cobalt blue vase that doesn't match a thing in our house once when he was in trouble. I couldn't wait for them to die, and will never again use the vase, but I accepted his present graciously for what it was worth, and I sure didn't complain about his gesture.

But...

OP, I think that there is something else entirely wrong here. It seems to me that, on top of your wife being passive-aggressive, she also has some sort of communication problem.

 

[bumbershoot]

I'm only on the 2nd or 3rd page, but unless something changed during those pages of posts, the wife doesn't know she has these other gifts coming, so it is not fair of her to act as though she has received them. (OK now I've read to the end so far, and no she hasn't gotten them so we can't say "but he got her these other things" and think that should affect her behaviour...not giving those to her until tonight WILL, I'm quite sure, look like he got them for her after all of this...sigh)

I know she has a tough time with me and feeling like I dont care about her or think enough about her. I guess in my mind She just expects a whole lot and when something gets messed up it is the end of the world. For example, She has certain ways she likes things to look and be done around the house. She like for the blinmds on one side of the house to be open in the morning and closed in the afternoon due to the sun, ok now at the same time the side blinds are open make sure the ones in the back are closed because the sun comes in those in the morning, then open those in the back when the side gets closed and then when the sun moves to the front open the side and close the front, now the sun heats up the house so around 11 am make sure to slide the thermostat down, but remember to move it up at night before coming to bed, also make sure to push in the cushions on the furniture before coming to bed because they slide out and look horrible. Also make sure the pillow on the sofa stays up against the arm because the fabric is frayed so it will cover up the spot. You can do this for me right cause I do it 20 times a day. So for three months I can get everything right, then on a Saturday shg goes out to run errands and what not I am working on things like the yard or washing the car or hjust doing other things around the house and also spending time with the kids, and probably not even being inside the house since the sun moved from the back to the side she comes home and gets upset telling me if I knew how important it was to her and I had been thinking about her it would have been taken care of. Sorry....

OK, I'm not on your wife's side with all that. Zoiks!

Have you told her these things bother you? Or do you just put up with it, and get back at her, passive/aggressively, buying her a gift you know she doesn't want? I'm guessing there are some communication issues that need to be addressed in your marriage.

Agreed!

You and your wife need to lighten up! Life is too short! Its just Valentine's Day! You need humor and laughter!!!
I got tulips from my DH this morning...the note read, "I love you. Hernando"

His name is STEVE.

You've gotta make this woman laugh...not by spoiling her, but do something outrageous... Have a huge ceremony of burning the roses.....dousing them with lighter fluid or stomping on them. Those damn, roses. THrow them in the fireplace. Go get a t-shirt made at the mall that says, "I'm the world's worst husband. I bought my wife roses." You've gotta make her see how silly and ridiculous this whole thing is!

Agreed! I wish my hubby would have done something like that! Even in our stupid arguments I'm trying to outright tell him what he could do to change what's going on, and he just never gets it (do you KNOW the willpower it takes to come out of anger to think of something that could be done to change the "conversation"?). I think I'm going to send your post to hubby, just in case he feels the need to come home with something just b/c the calendar told him to. (of course, b/c I know he likes it, DS and I will make some cards for him)

ITo all of those who said not to get her red roses again, believe me I will never purchase another red rose in my life, not for her, not for my mother funeral (which is hopefully a long time away), not if I get divorced and find a new wife who loves red roses, I will never buy another red rose. I am tempted to take the red roses a co worker got and trash them just be cause I dont want to see them.


She watches Jon & Kate plus 8 and comments how she and Kate could be such good friends because they are exactly alike ( and we only have 2 kids). I look at how miserabel Jon seems and say to myself I feel your pain buddy.

Serious overreaction.

Jon doesn't look miserable, I think it's just the way his face is at neutral. Same with Kate, she has a stress-face when she's not smiling. It's easy to mis-read (don't I know it, my mom, aunt, and I all had/have that stress-face even when we thought/think (I'm using those past tenses b/c my mom is dead) we had a pleasant expression on our face!!!)).

But if you ARE miserable, then you do need to do something about it. When DH felt miserable, he did something drastic, then realized it was his own self that he was miserable with. He went to individual counseling for several months, got his head on straight, and asked me to join him in couples counseling with a DIFFERENT counselor, someone who was on OUR side, not just one of our sides. I drew upon counseling I had received before, and went, and we worked quite a bit out. But he had to start with him, first!

(and I certainly am not saying that the wife couldn't use some individual counseling, but starting couples without having your own head on straight IMO is a mistake, and the only person we can truly change is ourselves, so we might as well start with that person!)

People (not just women) like your wife like backbone. They push and push and push hoping you will push back a little (figuratively, not literally. please don't go home and push her off the roof or anything).

You need to do it with soft hands, but it is time for you to reclaim you position in this family and relationship. You are an equal partnet, and self-sufficient human being. You have the right to buy the gifts you like and she should remember the golden rule.

If my DW ever reacted like this to a gift, it would be the only gift she gets for the rest of her life. Red rose for Bday. Red rose for M-Day. Red rose for no special reason day. Tough Love!

Bleah at all those statements. Might work for your wife, might work for the OP's, but it wouldn't work for me! OP, your mileage may vary with those thoughts!

I agree that bringing home dinner is a great idea. Any others would be appreciated.

My thoughts are....be sure she isn't already making a nice dinner when you bring dinner home.

I like pink ones if I am chosing a rose. It has been 20 years and DH always gets me yellow. When I turned 20, out of the blue he sent me yellow roses and has ever since. I like spring flowers and zenias. Yet, every year I get yellow.
I always just say thank you and give him a kiss because I love him.

When has your husband been told that you like pink, if all you ever do is thank him for the yellow roses?

 

[mm_ja]

Well no she has not recieved and does not know what her other gifts are, but I did tell her on the phone this morning that I had something else for her. I am going to call and tell her my plan is to stop and bring home dinner for the family tonight so not to cook. I already know where to go and what to get. Golden Rule BBQ get a blackened chicken salad, no cheese and no tomatos with ranch dressing. I am about 98% sure she will say not to bother but...