I think I'm dealing with a Passive-Aggressive

[Myothername]

Sorry if this goes long.

First off, I am very much involved in our music program at church. I'm in choir, praise team, sing solos, etc. And I love every minute of it. Due to various issues our choir membership has dwindled but is slowly building back up so every new member is important. Last Wednesday I notice a lady who usually sat by me was not there. I asked her husband (who has a beautiful voice) where she was. He said she won't be coming back. I had to pry it out of him but finally I asked did someone say something to upset her. He said yes. I asked who. He said I did. I was just floored. I am always so welcoming to new members (they started in about May). I welcome them, get them a choir book, fill it with the current music, get their number to put them in group texts if needed. So I was pretty upset at this. I asked if I could call her and he said that might help and gave me her cell number. I asked if she would be up this late (8:00) and he said she was out in the parking lot waiting on him. So I asked and he said yes go talk to her.

I went out and got her to roll the window down and I first said I am so sorry if I said anything to upset you. She said well yes you did. But she would not say what it was. For about 5 minutes I had to beg her to tell me. I said I can't enjoy choir knowing I have upset you if you don't tell me what I did. Finally she said that I said she kicked me. I was totally confused because first off there is no way she could kick me when we are in practice. We sit in chairs. I thought a second and the only thing I could think of is the week before I had forgotten my drink cup. I always bring a drink to choir because I get thirsty when I sing. I always put it behind a chair leg so I don't "kick" it over. Well last week I had forgotten my cup but I commented a couple of times that I thought I was "kicking" my cup but then remembered I had forgotten it. And I don't believe I even said that to her at all. I said it to the lady on the other side of me. I explained that to her but she would not hear it. Then I thought more and I said you know I remember once helping you find where we were in the music when you appeared lost. It happens. If you look up or get distracted you can lose your place. It's no big deal. She said yes and it hurt her feelings when I did that because she may not can keep up as well as the others. (she is about 80). And this was back in June when I said that. So she has held on to this for 3 months.

She never accepted my apology and never even would look at me as I talked to her. I explained all this to our music director because I knew her husband had said something to him. He said I did my part and nothing more I can do.

I'm just not sure what to do Sunday now. We are not in the same class at church and I honestly probably won't even see her but not sure what to say if she or her husband say anything to me. I feel like there is nothing I can say that won't be misconstrued. Anyone have experience with this? I have no patience for manipulative behavior.

 

[DietCoke18]

No. And she sounds like a loon. I’d just let it go.

 

[Kitty 34]

Sorry if this goes long.

First off, I am very much involved in our music program at church. I'm in choir, praise team, sing solos, etc. And I love every minute of it. Due to various issues our choir membership has dwindled but is slowly building back up so every new member is important. Last Wednesday I notice a lady who usually sat by me was not there. I asked her husband (who has a beautiful voice) where she was. He said she won't be coming back. I had to pry it out of him but finally I asked did someone say something to upset her. He said yes. I asked who. He said I did. I was just floored. I am always so welcoming to new members (they started in about May). I welcome them, get them a choir book, fill it with the current music, get their number to put them in group texts if needed. So I was pretty upset at this. I asked if I could call her and he said that might help and gave me her cell number. I asked if she would be up this late (8:00) and he said she was out in the parking lot waiting on him. So I asked and he said yes go talk to her.

I went out and got her to roll the window down and I first said I am so sorry if I said anything to upset you. She said well yes you did. But she would not say what it was. For about 5 minutes I had to beg her to tell me. I said I can't enjoy choir knowing I have upset you if you don't tell me what I did. Finally she said that I said she kicked me. I was totally confused because first off there is no way she could kick me when we are in practice. We sit in chairs. I thought a second and the only thing I could think of is the week before I had forgotten my drink cup. I always bring a drink to choir because I get thirsty when I sing. I always put it behind a chair leg so I don't "kick" it over. Well last week I had forgotten my cup but I commented a couple of times that I thought I was "kicking" my cup but then remembered I had forgotten it. And I don't believe I even said that to her at all. I said it to the lady on the other side of me. I explained that to her but she would not hear it. Then I thought more and I said you know I remember once helping you find where we were in the music when you appeared lost. It happens. If you look up or get distracted you can lose your place. It's no big deal. She said yes and it hurt her feelings when I did that because she may not can keep up as well as the others. (she is about 80). And this was back in June when I said that. So she has held on to this for 3 months.

She never accepted my apology and never even would look at me as I talked to her. I explained all this to our music director because I knew her husband had said something to him. He said I did my part and nothing more I can do.

I'm just not sure what to do Sunday now. We are not in the same class at church and I honestly probably won't even see her but not sure what to say if she or her husband say anything to me. I feel like there is nothing I can say that won't be misconstrued. Anyone have experience with this? I have no patience for manipulative behavior.

The Rule

 

[kiddo76]

It sounds like you are just dealing with an older lady who got her feelings hurt.

Simply tell her "I'm sorry we started off on the wrong foot. I value you as a member and I hope you attend our next practice."

Then let it be.

 

[Dcgc28]

i think just ignoring the situation is the only choice you have. It’ll either blow over or it won’t. But it sounds like she’s embedded in her opinion and that should be respected to a certain extent.

Not at all saying you did anything wrong, but if she feels like you did that’s how she feels and until she’s ready to talk about it that’s fine. Don’t let it ruin something you take pride and joy in.

 

[Jennasis]

You let it roll off your back like water off a duck. You can't help miserable people who like to wallow and hold grudges over nothing.

 

[J'aime Paris]

Being old doesn't exempt someone from being a "*****"! Sounds like a great christian lady...

1. You were unaware that you offended her, and even asked about her whereabouts.
2. When you found out you "did" something to upset her, you sought her out, apologized and tried to make amends.
3. She was unaccepting of your apology, and continued to act like a "*****"!

Not much else you can/should do...move on

 

[BlueStarryHat]

You tried to make it right. Sincere apologies given but not received are still good apologies. You should have peace with the way you handled the situation. Holding a grudge usually make the person holding it miserable. Don't let it drag you down, too.

 

[Southernmiss]

All of the above.

So many personalities, even at church.

Unfortunately, there are some of the most odd personalities and reasons people get offended at church.

As the office admin of our church, I run into someone complaining about another for seemingly petty, little misunderstandings at least once every week.

Gotta have a think skin.

 

[Myothername]

Thanks. Y'all are great. And every reply...I was thinking the exact same thing. I just hate she is upset but you know I did all I could and I know I did nothing wrong. A friend even mentioned maybe its a little dementia on her part. Could be. But I am getting over it.

 

[usnuzuloose]

Keep loving her and praying for her. I will pray also

 

[kimblebee]

This reminds me of how glad I am that I’m out of high school.

 

[VandVsmama]

Random thoughts in no particular order:

1. So she thought that you were purposely kicking her chair because she kept losing her place.
2. She's 80, so she probably is hard of hearing. So maybe she overheard you incorrectly when you were talking to the person next to you or she probably misheard you and filled in the blanks and, thus, totally turned it into a personal insult when it really wasn't.
3. You did the right thing. Your apology was honest & heartfelt.
4. It's up to her now with what she wants to do with it. If it bothers her enough, she'll go to a different church.
5. Just continue loving on her and treating her kindly. Even if she's rude, mean, or passive-aggressive.

 

[brockash]

Sorry if this goes long.

First off, I am very much involved in our music program at church. I'm in choir, praise team, sing solos, etc. And I love every minute of it. Due to various issues our choir membership has dwindled but is slowly building back up so every new member is important. Last Wednesday I notice a lady who usually sat by me was not there. I asked her husband (who has a beautiful voice) where she was. He said she won't be coming back. I had to pry it out of him but finally I asked did someone say something to upset her. He said yes. I asked who. He said I did. I was just floored. I am always so welcoming to new members (they started in about May). I welcome them, get them a choir book, fill it with the current music, get their number to put them in group texts if needed. So I was pretty upset at this. I asked if I could call her and he said that might help and gave me her cell number. I asked if she would be up this late (8:00) and he said she was out in the parking lot waiting on him. So I asked and he said yes go talk to her.

I went out and got her to roll the window down and I first said I am so sorry if I said anything to upset you. She said well yes you did. But she would not say what it was. For about 5 minutes I had to beg her to tell me. I said I can't enjoy choir knowing I have upset you if you don't tell me what I did. Finally she said that I said she kicked me. I was totally confused because first off there is no way she could kick me when we are in practice. We sit in chairs. I thought a second and the only thing I could think of is the week before I had forgotten my drink cup. I always bring a drink to choir because I get thirsty when I sing. I always put it behind a chair leg so I don't "kick" it over. Well last week I had forgotten my cup but I commented a couple of times that I thought I was "kicking" my cup but then remembered I had forgotten it. And I don't believe I even said that to her at all. I said it to the lady on the other side of me. I explained that to her but she would not hear it. Then I thought more and I said you know I remember once helping you find where we were in the music when you appeared lost. It happens. If you look up or get distracted you can lose your place. It's no big deal. She said yes and it hurt her feelings when I did that because she may not can keep up as well as the others. (she is about 80). And this was back in June when I said that. So she has held on to this for 3 months.

She never accepted my apology and never even would look at me as I talked to her. I explained all this to our music director because I knew her husband had said something to him. He said I did my part and nothing more I can do.

I'm just not sure what to do Sunday now. We are not in the same class at church and I honestly probably won't even see her but not sure what to say if she or her husband say anything to me. I feel like there is nothing I can say that won't be misconstrued. Anyone have experience with this? I have no patience for manipulative behavior.

Wow, how exhausting. You've already put in way more effort than I ever would've in this type of situation.... I'd just let it go. If she wants to approach you about something, so be it and you can answer her honestly and politely, but otherwise get on with it.

 

[L&Lfan]

Forget about it. You tried to apologize. You don’t need that kind of drama.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Yeah, she's a nut. She's choosing to let these minor, perceived slights to fester, rather than accepting your apology. There's nothing more you can do.

On the good side, her husband is not letting his wife stop HIM from being in the choir, which tells me that he, too, thinks she's making much ado about nothing.

Believe me, if she's looking for an excuse to be miserable, she would have found SOMETHING--maybe you seated her on the end, or gave her a minor correction, or asked if she'd like some water.

 

[Calee]

I dont know if she is dealing with any memory loss or dementia, but that can make people paranoid and have changes in sensitivity and personality. You have done all you can do and I would let it go. When you see her smile and be cordial but dont keep fretting about it.

 

[mumto3girls]

I dont know if she is dealing with any memory loss or dementia, but that can make people paranoid and have changes in sensitivity and personality. You have done all you can do and I would let it go. When you see her smile and be cordial but dont keep fretting about it.

Dementia is the first thing I thought of and hearing loss was second. Both of those will cause people to “fill in the blanks” when they aren’t sure exactly what happened. I agree with being polite, but moving on and not dwelling.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I don’t think she’s passive aggressive. I think maybe you made these comments and she was embarrassed by them. Talking about her losing her place etc. I’m sure your intentions were good but perhaps she felt embarrassed that everyone else could hear and is a bit sensitive about it. Or maybe the way you said it wasn’t taken as kindly as you meant it. Sometimes people try to help but they are so loud and have a tone that does not seem genuine that is immediately off putting. I don’t know how you said it so just kicking at ideas as I’ve encountered people like this.

 

[Kennywood]

If it still bothers you, you might send her a card. You could write a brief explanation and apology, if you feel like it. Tell her that you hope to see her again. Then give the card to her husband to give to his wife. Beyond that, you've done all you can do, unless you want to get your pastor involved.

You can apologize to someone but you can't make them accept it.