I have a dilemna? Would you take a trip or not (story is a little long)?

[Bete]

First, let me say that hubby and I have had over two dozen trips to Disney World through the years, mostly as a couple. We honeymooned at Disney back when; so, it's near and dear to us. WDW and Vegas are pretty close in count for trips taken through the years. Those two places we tend to repeat our vacation visits. We've been very fortunate to travel to many other places over our 27 years of marriage, as well. We could easily stay home from now on without any regrets or we could continue our vacationing. We would have to vacation differently from here on out though and this is where I would like your opinions.

My mom, who is 85, has lived with us over the last 12 years. She's under 5 ft. tall and she goes about 100#. I'm an only child; so, I'm the caregiver. In the recent past with some home supervision of a neighbor nurse checking in on her and providing meals, we were able to travel without her. My mom is not one for trips. She thinks it hard work to go on any trip. It's not familiar to her; so, I think she feels more disoriented away from home and it's more effort and therefore less relaxing to be away from home than to be at home. The good part is her heart is strong and there's been no strokes or cancer; the bad part is she has slight dementia and she's fragile. Recently, she had a bout of pnuemonia that was hard to get rid of after a fall that occurred. She never had pnuemonia before this ocurrence. She fortunately did not break any bones from that fall. Based on recent developments I could not leave her home alone anymore, nor can I afford to get her in a nursing home out of pocket or have constant care at my place while we are gone for a trip. It just wouldn't make financial sense for us. Also, I think she would be way out of her element doing a nursing home, etc. Relatives staying with her is not a good answer, either.

Anyway, here is where your opinions come in. First, let me add that my hubby has type 2 diabetes and he's older than me and he needs to scooter around the Disney parks, now. I've even scootered with him at times; although, I probably could go without one. Last year, we took his 88 year old mom to Disney World with us. We all scootered on that trip at the parks, but we took everything very slow paced. We wheelchaired my MIL to the parks from the Disney resort. I've become quite familiar with what rides and attractions are scooter friendly (wheelchair friendly, too) through that trip.

For us to go to Disney World this year or anywhere else for that matter, I need to take my mom along, now. She's not able to scooter; so, I will be wheelchairing her through the parks, etc. If we took in 4 to 6 hours a day at the WDW parks, we would be satisfied. I won't be commando style on this trip. We want to take advantage of the free dining plan coming up. It would seem like a good time for us to go and it's what we did with my MIL last year. We would be driving there and for us, it's two long days on the road each way. We want to stay for 10 nights to make the trip worthwhile. This would make it a 14 day trip for us. I would certainly get our doctor's ok before I would even consider doing this trip with her.

I'm asking on these boards about my dilemna; because, I'm a diehard Disney fan like many of you are and so I know you understand how I feel about taking a trip there. I'm not sure how well my mom will enjoy it. I could have a rough time there, if she doesn't care for it. I would like to try, but I'm also scared about it all. I certainly would not want her to get sick there, either. Am I taking too much of a chance here or is it worth a try? My mom may think it's fantastic; I would like to be optimistic about it all. I would love it if she would travel with us. Knowing Disney World the way we do, it would seem like the perfect place to try with my mom. My mom's only so so about going, but I feel she would give it a go for my sake. Am I pushing it too much under the circumstances?

Would you go under these circumstances? I know all of you face obstacles on your trips; so, your opinions here are greatly appreciated. TIA.

 

[3DisneyNUTS]

Wow I am sorry you ar going through so much right now (((hugs))). Have you asked your mom if she wants to go? I would ask her and see what she says. WDW is rough for a 30yr old I am not sure an 85 year old would be able to handle it. Also I would be concerned about the heat and you pushing her. What about a resort only trip?

 

[AJKMOM]

I wouldn't take my 85 year old father to DisneyWorld if he didn't want to go. As far as financing goes, maybe your local case worker or senior citizens center could come up with ideas. We have an organization here that deals with issues pertaing to older adults and their issues. Maybe you could put aside part of her Social Security allotment to pay for someone, even a relative if available, to stay with her.

It looks like you may not be able to travel for a while until you can get her comfortable with other arrangements.

 

[KathyRN137]

Hi, Bete!

First,let me say how thoughtful you are as a daughter! I am an RN and have many years experience with both home care and nursing homes, so I have had a lot of experience with caregiver issues. I am also crazy about WDW so I feel your dilemma!

Many women such as yourself are pulled in so many ways....you certainly deserve a nice vacation! However, if you don't mind my saying so, when I read "between the lines" of your post, I get the sense that Mom really doesn't want to make the trip. You are probably getting that vibe, too, but feel somewhat guilty about going off without her. She may also be ambivelant about the whole thing because she does not want you to give up your trip because of her!

I agree with 3DisneyNuts that the first thing to do is to have a heart-to-heart with Mom and be honest with each other! She obviously cares about your feelings as much as you do about hers.

Have you considered contacting your local VNA? (Visiting Nurse Association)
Home care seems to be the way to go here if Mom is honestly not up to the trip. The VNA not only has nursing staff,but social workers as well, who can hook you up with resources and temporary respite funding. If you involve Mom in the process of making the arrangements she will feel more in control of the situation.

If I've heard in once, I've heard it a thousand times from older people that they do not want to "be a burden" to their children. The point is, will she feel more af a "burden" to you at WDW or at home with arranged care? Try to let her make the choice.

If it were me, the only thing that would keep me from going is if my going without her would cause "extreme" distress on her part....mild anxiety is normal. Good luck to you both and let us know how it turns out!!!

 

[Hannathy]

First does she want to go if she doesn't she could make herself sick while there fretting. plus how enjoyable will it be if every other word out of her mouth is "I want to go home"?
Second 2 long days in the car would not be good for her. She would need to stop frequently, at least to stand up or you would risk blood clots or pneumonia again from shallow breathing in the car. This will make the 2 days even longer. plus getting in and out of rest stop bathrooms. I think it would be easier to fly. Will you have a wheelchair to get from the car to the BR. some are pretty far away from parking.

If you used a scooter last time are you going to be able to push her all day and then go back to the room and continue to take care of her all night? I took care of my Mom and Dad I know how truly exhausting it gets and I had no physical problems my self.

14 days is a long time for an older ill person to be out of their comfort zone, I would be worried.

You may be able to arrange respite care through the visiting nurses ( you would pay unless she qualifies) but I think this is usually only a week.

I think you may have to put off long trips for a while, this kinda came with the territory when you agreed to take care of her. I had to put off any trips for 4yrs when my folks were ill and dying and I had young kids who really wanted to go to Disney. I think you need to think this out long and hard because if you take her and something goes wrong how will you feel-especially if she didn't want to go. If she wants to go and something happens at least you would know it was what she wanted but if she hates the idea well.... I know it would bother me for ever.
Good luck deciding just know many others have been in your shoes.

 

[tacomaranch]

Hi,
First, don't get so upset, this will work out and you will know what you are going to be doing. Breath! It helps. I agree, do talk to mom, see how she really feels. Ask her to be honest about going. I tried to get Dad to go Fla. before he died. I bought the airline ticket, made special arrangements and then he said he didn't want to go. It was a financial hit for me and caused a bit of problems.

Disney needs to be fun for you and for your family. Not a trip that is too much work for you.

Maybe check with a local Church or even the High School to see if they have a senior class program that needs a project.

Good luck and do take care of yourself. Give Mom a hug for me and one for you also.

April

 

[dclfun]

I also have an 85 year old Mom that is in okay general health ( but very poor eyesight and could never walk around in WDW) but whom I know would not enjoy WDW at this point. She and my father went with us when my children were young and I'm glad for those special moments but at this time in her life and with her stamina and limitations she would be absolutely miserable in the heat/rainstorms/etc. and would not even eat enough to enjoy the restaurants/free dining. I would never put her in a situation where she'd have to compromise her physical and emotional wellbeing. That said, this is MY Mom and not yours, so you really have to think hard about who this trip is for and why you're taking it. You mentioned being okay with not going anywhere ever again since you and your husband have travelled alot. If this is the case, is the trip then for your Mom and a "one last trip" sort of scenario for the three of you? If it's not for her, but for yourself and husband, then I'd think seriously about enlisting in-home help for her so you could have some respite and a vacation without worrying about her comfort and enjoyment at WDW. It's a tough decision....---Kathy

 

[mbb]

Back when I was a young, single, university student - and still living at home - I "nightsat" with an elderly neighbour, while her daughter went on a (well deserved) 10 day family vacation.

Her mom did not want to go with the family, for the very same reason that KathyRN mentioned - she felt she was a "burden" at home, and didn't want to hinder anyone's plans.

She was able to be on her own some during the day..local homecare services were there for 4 hours over late morning and lunch, I was responsible for getting her breakfast (then the rest of the day was mine), and her daughter arranged for friends to pop in for the supper hour, and I was back on duty for 8pm.

They paid me - I think $50/night ?? - essentially to sleep, and be there, just in case.

It was great for me, worked out well for the lady - we developed a lovely friendship - and her daughter had a great vacation.

HTH..and maybe something similar could work for you...

 

[Bete]

I'm the original poster. My mom would be traumatized with strangers at our home. Her small hospital stay with her recent bout of pnuemonia was terrible with the nurses. She pannicked way too much over the littliest things like taking blood. Fortunately, I was able to stay with her at night at the hospital or she would have fallen or something worse in those wee hours. She was out of it while on the antibiotics and her regular meds, etc. The doc even had to give her anti-anxiety meds while she was there. I think it would be way worse for her to stay at home without us with even the best of home care. She has become very dependent with me as caregiver and I've been retired for the last 12 years that she has been with us; so, I can pamper her pretty good.

I have the Disney DVD collection from the Happiest Celebration on Earth. We went last October; so, I was able to pick up the most recent video on Disney. Also, I have the History Channel DVD which is very current. I've decided to start with looking at the video together. We are going to go over a lot of the details about the trip and then we will see how it goes from there. I get restless myself not taking a trip here and there. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm truthful. Also, I want to be able to share my passion of Disney with her before it becomes impossible for any travel whatsoever.

I would be happy and content if we just got to enjoy the free dining together at Disney. The parks would be a bonus factor. We would only take in the parades, fireworks, and shows at the parks anyway. Also, I felt, hubby and I could take turns solo at the parks, if she needed more rest. If it wasn't working out at all, I think I would take my lumps and just come home early. I'm a planner and I would have options A, B, C, etc. I'm making the trip longer on purpose; so, we could have very short days at the parks; so, there would be no reason to get too tired on any day. My mom will never fly anywhere; so, car travel is the only way we could do this trip. I am re-thinking the trip, now; the posts are making me more nervous about it all.

I'm now leaning more towards no then yes for the trip. Maybe, it's just too hard in your 80s to do something new. I may have to accept that life has changed forever now with her falling and getting pnuemonia. I wanted the best of both worlds; so, I was trying this idea. If I get too stir crazy, I may just take a solo trip or arrange to go with a friend while hubby helps out at home with her. Thank goodness for microwave meals, etc. It may be my best option; he's not quite the fan I am with Disney. It could be a shorter trip that way and I could fly, etc. I'm going to do some rethinking about it all.

Keep the comments coming; it may help with more brainstorming.

 

[KathyRN137]

Bette,

Better listen to that gut feeling,friend.

Kathy

 

[dclfun]

Bette- you might want to try having someone come in your home now for part of the day to see how your Mom adjusts. It may be totally different than her stay in the hospital where the whole environment is unfamiliar and stressful. Hospitalized elderly people esp with pneumonia where their 02 sats may be low often feel disoriented. It could also have been due to her medications. It really is a good idea to have her used to another caregiver. What if you became ill yourself? Besides, after 12 years as someone's caregiver, anyone would deserve some respite. ---Kathy

 

[Bete]

what will be will be and you can get sick and even die anywhere; so, she feels staying at home is not the answer. She's caregiver to an 80 year mom, now for the last two years and before that she handled her FIL for a few years. She still works; so, neither one of them needed someone constantly watching them.

My mother has been very sheltered all her life. The most vacation she ever had was one state over visiting relatives. It's not really the concept of going to Disney that's getting her; she doesn't want to go anywhere. She's afraid to try anything new and in some ways that's not a healthy attitude. I think taking a trip would be a stepping stone that would help us get her to do home care, etc. My logic is this: If she likes taking the trip, she'll continue to take trips with us that are reasonable for her situation and us or she will be more satisfied to stay at home with a different caregiver. Without her knowing what it's like to take a real vacation, we will never know how she can handle one.

This is why I'm so mixed up about it all. I honestly think she could enjoy this vacation. She's worrying too much about the little stuff and it's all getting in her way of taking this trip. I'll begin showing the Disney video today and we shall she if she gets even more concerned or more relieved.

I'm not a person to say you should hang it up just because you have hit your 80s or more. I love life experiences and I think we could all benefit from a nice vacation. I want some sparkle back in my mom's eyes and I kind of think if anyplace can do it, it's Disney.

I'm still thinking about it.

 

[Hannathy]

Bete I checked this this morning and would like to say it's your Mom and you'll do what you think but please remember 85 is not when you decide to break a habit.
I agree you don't need to shut down because you are 80 but your Mom has never travelled and now is probably not the best time to start. My Mom was an extensive traveller went everywhere,loved being with people,bowled 2-3x a week, even travelled with oxygen but when she got ill to the point of needing assistance with care she didn't want to go anywhere and when we made her go out she would spend the entire time asking when she could go home. There was a huge change with my Mom from when she could stay alone for a while and when she needed more help so don't be too quick to compare.

IMO I would take your Mom somewhere for a weekend and see how she does before attempting a 14 day stay and 2 days in the car.

 

[ducklite]

My sister was a psycology major in college, and used to do respite care on a per dium basis when she was in school. Basically she stayed nights/weekends/holidays and in the summer as much as full weeks at a time with a senior in a home care situation while the family traveled. As part of that she spent several hours a day for several days with the person starting a few weeks before the inhome care actually began. She learned their routines, likes and dislikes, and any specific care needs they had.

She did cooked meals, took them to church or medical appointments, wherever they needed to go that was in their normal routine--the idea was exactly that, to keep in their routine.

Her rates were quite reasonable--probably about the equivilent of $350-400 a week in todays rates. A lot less than VNA would be. You might want to call your local college psyc department and see if the chair has anyone he knows of who might be interested in a situation like that. The cost would be lower than taking your mom with you by the time you factor in the cost of park passes, meals, wheelchair rentals, etc.

Anne

 

[mickeyfan2]

I would go for it.

 

[Cheshire Figment]

For us to go to Disney World this year or anywhere else for that matter, I need to take my mom along, now. She's not able to scooter; so, I will be wheelchairing her through the parks, etc. If we took in 4 to 6 hours a day at the WDW parks, we would be satisfied. I won't be commando style on this trip. We want to take advantage of the free dining plan coming up. It would seem like a good time for us to go and it's what we did with my MIL last year. We would be driving there and for us, it's two long days on the road each way. We want to stay for 10 nights to make the trip worthwhile. This would make it a 14 day trip for us. I would certainly get our doctor's ok before I would even consider doing this trip with her.

In January my mother (91.5) flew down from NYC and stayed with me for three nights, and then I took her for a week stay with her baby (87 yo) sister in Sarasota. Anyway, on one of the two full days I took her to Epcot even though she had been to WDW 20 years ago and "forced" her to use an ECV. We were there about 7 or 8 hours and she was a bit exhausted when we left. I later found out from various relatives how much she really enjoyed the trip.

I definitely would agree with your ideas.

 

[Linda Bell]

First, let me say that hubby and I have had over two dozen trips to Disney
Would you go under these circumstances? I know all of you face obstacles on your trips; so, your opinions here are greatly appreciated. TIA.

Couple of other suggestions:

I have a DD now 30 who is very frail and grows weaker with time due to her MD. WDW is becoming an ordeal and there are many of her favorites that she can no longer take advantage of. Last year I took her older brother to assist. It was well worth the added cost for the breather it gave me but frustrating too because we missed so many of the rides she can no longer do. DD does not enjoy just being pushed through the parks as they are geared toward rides. So we now go for events (perhaps mom would like themed events like the gardens show, soap operas, wine tasting, or our favorite, strolling through the parks after the Christmas decorations go up but before the crowds decend where there is lots to see with minimal exertion).

Another option is the DCL cruises where nothing is rushed and you can enjoy Disney if she prefers to just read or watch TV or fill time as she desires.

Helpful hint: If you are not used to pushing a wheelchair all day do some exercising and practice all day runs. It is a back killer! My daughter is only 72 pounds but at the end of the day she weighs a ton.

Good Luck,
Linda

 

[Bete]

We will not be going to Disney World this year. Right now, I have too many intangibles.

I'm using the vacation money for a new kitchen floor. We can all enjoy the new floor and we need one.

I don't want my mom in over her head. She feels safer and more secure at home. There may come a time I will need to get away and I will do so by going solo or with a friend, etc. I think hubby and my mom could get along for a long weekend without me. This year is not the right time. I was doing some wishful thinking, but I'm back on planet earth, now.

I want to see if my mom will recover more, too. She's not a 100% yet. I can skip a trip for a year or so.

I'll keep everyone posted, if we do make it together to Disney World.

 

[KathyRN137]

Bette,

A hard decision to make, but sounds like the prudent thing to do.

Good luck and God Bless,
Kathy

 

[calliemom]

I agree that this is a very stressful thing to deal with, and the driving and worrying while you are there doesn't sound very much like a vacation to me. I would go with you gut on this one and try to arrange a solo trip (perhaps only for 3 or 4 days) with a friend. Your husband sounds as though he would be perfectly fine carrying for your mother while you are gone and then you can truly have a break from a very stressful situation. Good luck and feel good about your decision what ever it may be!