I hate the holidays !

[Amy&Dan]

I am with the OP too, except the part where she says she isn't thrilled about the baby. I do think son and daughter in law are going to have to grow a backbone where her parents are concerned. I mean, these plans were made and then the inlaws horn in. I am telling you this happened to my own mom on more than one occasion.

I really think the OP needs to go, if for no other reason than to not let the inlaws call her shots. But I stand my statement that she needs to talk with her son alone, to let him know she is hurt. That way they can become allies, and work with the dil to see that her parents don't have all the say so. It stinks that OP will most likely have to be the one to really be the bigger person. At least for this time. Which is why I hope she and the son really communicate about this. So that next time, maybe the dil's parents have to the ones to grow up. I defnitely think they are the only bad guys in this. And I am sure its out of love for their daughter, but they need to let go too. Big Time!

I hope it all works out.

And I will go to my grave thinking this is the way it is as far as sons vs. daughters. My mom had two daughters to balance out the fact that her son became more a part of his wife's family than his own. Poor OP has two sons, one ex husband and nobody on her side. I really feel sorry for her. And hope she gets excited about this baby again.

 

[castleview]

Why couldn't one be papa "joe" and one papa "mike"???
I do not understand the issue of grandparent names....

I think it is really sad that the OP is letting petty things dampen her feelings about a new grandchild!!!

Thank you. Whatever came out of my kids mouth was what they called they're grandparents. (Civil things, of course)

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I'm with you on this one! I'm firmly in OP's camp on this one.

I'm amazed how little respect or thought everyone thinks OP deserves from her DIL. She has been more than accomodating in rearranging her plans for the sake of the ILs and has been more than willing to spend her vacation time with them, but she gets trounced by everyone. She has already gone along with DIL's plans of splitting the holidays each year. She has done everything that was asked of her. If the ILs are this overbearing now, do you really think she stands a chance of ever having quality time with the baby? What if OP picks the name that DIL's mom wanted? Do you think OP stands a chance of getting that, or will she be told, no that's what my mom wants? I say OP is being treated like crap and needs to make it known that it's not acceptable.

Also, everyone keeps saying "don't be that MIL", but what about the way DIL's mom is acting -- shouldn't that also apply to her because she is "that MIL" to OP's son? And OP needs to be the grown up -- why not DIL's mom and family? Why, with all the sacrifices OP has made already, should she continue to do so?

I hold no disrespect for anyone. I don't think that's really the point though.

And I would be curious to know if the peeps in OP's camp have sons..or if they are MIL's to disrespectful DIL's themselves. (??)

And to clairfy..I don't think that OP is being treated badly. I think it's the holidays and they want to be around their daughter. As OP wants to be around her son.

I think it's unrealistic of OP or DIL's parents to claim any holiday "THEIR OWN". They are all a family now. Or at least they all share a common interest.

But it does come down to this...
OP has a choice to either go or don't go. To either DECIDE that she is going to be a part of her son's life no matter what DIL and her family do. OR she can sit at home and throw a pity party for herself.

When OP says "she is not even excited about the grandchild" dosen't that in itself speak a thousand words about where OP is going with this? Where she is at this point..in her own head. ??

Probobly putting to much thought into this myself. But that statement seems very intraspective to me and should be looked into for more than face value. (

 

[disykat]

Sorry but the OP reminds me of my MIL and it only gets worse.

One time there was a family emergency. DH and I both left from work to get there. So we arrived in two cars and at different times. I arrived much later due to being out of town for work. When I walked in the door I was greated by "What is she doing here, we don't need her." I was her DIL at the time. Guess what happened. DH got mad at her and pulled away. They never had the same relationship again. His mother wanted to be with her son, just like the OP. Problem is that he is part of a larger family and she could not accept that. Only blood counted to her.

The OP has not said one bad thing about her DIL. She wants to spend time with her son AND her DIL and doesn't get to do so without her DIL's parents being there. You are reading your own situation into her words.

 

[wall*e2008]

The OP has not said one bad thing about her DIL. She wants to spend time with her son AND her DIL and doesn't get to do so without her DIL's parents being there. You are reading your own situation into her words.

From the OP " So, I get less then one day to spend with my son. They ruined my summer vacation with my son and now this."


Not son and Dil BUT my son. That is exactly how my MIL was.

 

[Amy&Dan]

The deal is, DS#1 and DIL have split holidays between the two sets of parents. This year they went to her parents for Thanksgiving and Christmas was to be with me. Well, DIL is 7 1/2 months pregnant, so I offered to drive the six hours to them. At first her parents were going to come earlier Christmas week (they live 7 hours away), so I changed my plans and DS#2 and I were driving down on Christmas Day. Then, her parents decided not to come, but I couldn't get time off to go earlier because my work has set times to make your vacation plans. Fine. We're going Christmas Day and coming back on Sunday.

Now her parents are coming on Friday. So, I get less then one day to spend with my son. They ruined my summer vacation with my son and now this. They feel everyone should do everything together and it all involves major drama -- tears, etc., if you don't go along with the plan. (Explains how I ended up in Victorias Secret with my son and her dad -- not a happy camper.)

I just don't know what to do. At this point, I just want to stay home and send DS#2 to be with his girlfriend's family.

To add to the hurt, my son and DIL spent an entire week with his Dad and I haven't had one minute alone with him this year. It hurts.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Charm

The portions I have highlighted are why I side with the OP. Or not really side, but see how she feels the way she does. Plans made, plans changed. All its seems to me, at the fancy of the inlaws.

In a perfect world, the two families (Op and the inlaws) could celebrate the holidays together with the son and daughter in law. But this whole thing sounds far from perfect. It seems to me, the son and dil, are aware of this, went to the lenghths to have separate but equal gatherings and then the inlaws change the game plan. I see lots of references to this woman needing to let go of her son a bit, but not as much of a reference to a couple of people who need to let go of their daughter too.

I think its okay, heck even a brilliant idea to sometimes have separate celebrations. I mean, if two groups of people don't get along that well, isn't that better? I see two major holidays in four weeks span of time where this one family member is not getting what she needs, and clearly what her son and dil think she needs, made a priority.

To me, the ball is in the "kids" court. Its time for them to also do some growing up and stand up to these parents of the dil's. Because if they don't this will just be the par for the course, every holiday, for as long as all the parties are alive and playing the game.

But I do still say, OP needs to think carefully about how far she takes this. Sometimes doing what is justifiable can make for a long and lonely life. If she boycotts, that sends a message that is hard to take back. And the baby needs to be the most exciting thing of all.

I think next year, the OP should have her son, his wife and thier baby to her home for a long weekend sometime in the month of December. If it works out for Christmas Day, thats great. If not, at least that way, if Christmas itself gets messed up, she had that time with them beforehand.

 

[Amy&Dan]

And I would be curious to know if the peeps in OP's camp have sons..or if they are MIL's to disrespectful DIL's themselves. (??)

(

Well in my case, I had a mother who had a son who had a wife who had a mother that was exactly like the parents of this dil! Does that make any sense whatsoever?

I just saw my mom's point of view. Yeah, she hated to let go of her little boy and at first in our situation, I told her to grow up and back off! But then after so many years of being treated far less as an important factor than my sil's mother was, I grew to realize my mom had grown up and was trying, but the other mother wasn't. Once my brother got married, my mom never spent a single Thanksgiving, Christmas or Easter with her son except one Christmas she and my stepdad went to brother's. It was the only time he insisted Christmas be at his house rather than the mil's so that way my mom could at least come. All other holidays they went to mil's so what was my mom supposed to do? The good news is that my brother would nicely fly my mom and stepdad out to see him during December so they had a week or so to spend at the holidays with him, his wife (whom my mom adored) and his daughters. But somehow, I know she always felt a bit jilted. But she got over it and decided she was happy for whatever time she could have.

I'll also add my brother felt my mom preferred to be with me at the holidays. I guess the one Christmas my mom did go out there, she missed me terribly and he felt hurt. So it worked both ways. Although I think she just felt like a fifth wheel. It was sad but it still all worked out pretty well.

Families!

 

[disykat]

From the OP " So, I get less then one day to spend with my son. They ruined my summer vacation with my son and now this."


Not son and Dil BUT my son. That is exactly how my MIL was.

My inlaws hate me, so I know what it's like to have inlaw baggage. OP hasn't said anything bad about her DIL. Expecting a MIL to say "and DIL" everytime she mentions her son is not realistic. DIL is part of the package.

My parents don't come visit specifically to see my DH, nor do dh's parents come to see me. Accepting us as part of the package is enough. However, they shouldn't have to accept our inlaws as part of the package.

It wouldn't hurt my feelings in the least if my inlaws described their visits with us as "going to visit their son." To me, it is obviously implied that I'm there as well. I worry more about the bad stuff they say specifically to or about me, not the fact that they might not mention my name every time they talk about my son.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Well in my case, I had a mother who had a son who had a wife who had a mother that was exactly like the parents of this dil! Does that make any sense whatsoever?

I just saw my mom's point of view. Yeah, she hated to let go of her little boy and at first in our situation, I told her to grow up and back off! But then after so many years of being treated far less as an important factor than my sil's mother was, I grew to realize my mom had grown up and was trying, but the other mother wasn't. Once my brother got married, my mom never spent a single Thanksgiving, Christmas or Easter with her son except one Christmas she and my stepdad went to brother's. It was the only time he insisted Christmas be at his house rather than the mil's so that way my mom could at least come. All other holidays they went to mil's so what was my mom supposed to do? The good news is that my brother would nicely fly my mom and stepdad out to see him during December so they had a week or so to spend at the holidays with him, his wife (whom my mom adored) and his daughters. But somehow, I know she always felt a bit jilted. But she got over it and decided she was happy for whatever time she could have.

I'll also add my brother felt my mom preferred to be with me at the holidays. I guess the one Christmas my mom did go out there, she missed me terribly and he felt hurt. So it worked both ways. Although I think she just felt like a fifth wheel. It was sad but it still all worked out pretty well.

Families!

I know right!

I think its a chemistry thing. Like each situation is so unique to its own..how can anyone give anyone good advice??
You really have to use your own inner wisdom and find the truth for yourself and decide what kind of person you want to be.

Kind of scary. lol
at least for me anyway.

 

[wall*e2008]

My inlaws hate me, so I know what it's like to have inlaw baggage. OP hasn't said anything bad about her DIL. Expecting a MIL to say "and DIL" everytime she mentions her son is not realistic. DIL is part of the package.

My parents don't come visit specifically to see my DH, nor do dh's parents come to see me. Accepting us as part of the package is enough. However, they shouldn't have to accept our inlaws as part of the package.

It wouldn't hurt my feelings in the least if my inlaws described their visits with us as "going to visit their son." To me, it is obviously implied that I'm there as well. I worry more about the bad stuff they say specifically to or about me, not the fact that they might not mention my name every time they talk about my son.

The ILs that I know who have great relationships with their child and sibling say stuff like. "We are going to Jim (son) and Fran's (DIL) house for Christmas." "We are going to visit our son and his family for Christmas." They never say "We are going to see OUR son for Christmas."

 

[Mahnahmahnah]

I really don't see anyone being nasty - just being honest.

I went back again and re-read the original post from October.

According to that post the DIL asked OP if her parents coming would bother her. OP didn't know how to answer. So it sounds like DIL's parents were looking out for OP's feelings. If she felt so strongly about spending alone time with her DS, she should have said so.

I would imagine DIL's parents are ecstatic about DIL's pregnancy and want to see her & DS for Christmas. Maybe the mom wants to help her out, too. The parents also may have even bought a special baby present, want to help her with baby furniture, etc. My mom was the same way.


This is why I think most of us are saying to OP to just deal this Christmas. What is DIL supposed to do now? Call her parents and say "Hello, Mom? Sorry but my MIL wants to spend alone time with DS so can you guys stay home or come at a different time? After all, we spent Thanksgiving with you."

 

[PrincessKsMom]

IAnd I would be curious to know if the peeps in OP's camp have sons..or if they are MIL's to disrespectful DIL's themselves. (??)(

I have one daughter, no sons. She's too young to be married. I was very fortunate to have a wonderful mother and MIL, but it wasn't always that way. For my bridal shower, DM wanted the shower at her house, even though all attendees, etc. were closer to where I live than DM. I told her she was being self, that the bridal shower did NOT have to be at the bride's mom's house. OTOH, DMIL told me she had no problem with traveling for the shower and would coordinate with DH's family members -- then she called my DM and told her if my DM insisted on having the shower at her house, none of DH's family would attend. I set them both straight and told them to knock it off and took it out of their hands.

Since DMIL was always considerate of the fact that my mom lived out of town and didn't get to see DD on a daily basis, she always stepped aside and let my mom spend alone time with DD, even at DD's christening and birthday parties. And FWIW, my mother always appreciate that and made an effort to let MIL know that she recognized that.

We have recently begun spending Christmas day with both families (we live in MIL and FIL's house) so my mom drives up for the day. MIL cooks and we all eat and do a gift swap together. However, we also have alone time w/my mom while we open our gifts etc. It wasn't always this smooth, but I stepped in and made it work.

When DD was born, DM was my coach, along with DH (who really didn't want the job , but who managed to pull through in the end). DM went home the day DD was born and DM was the one who accompanied us home from the hospital. However, I told them BOTH to go home and leave me alone to learn to fend for myself (we didn't live at MIL and FIL's house at that time) once we were home from the hospital.

I see how a DD wants her mom, but I also think a DIL has a responsibility to make sure everyone is included. If OP's son's IL's can't coordinate and learn boundaries, then OP's son and DIL need to step in and make it work for everyone. If they won't, then it's obvious OP is justified in her feelings.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

This is why I think most of us are saying to OP to just deal this Christmas. What is DIL supposed to do now? Call her parents and say "Hello, Mom? Sorry but my MIL wants to spend alone time with DS so can you guys stay home or come at a different time? After all, we spent Thanksgiving with you."

Why not?

 

[THE HAT]

What's the old saying: a son is a son till he gets him a wife, a daughter's a daughter for the rest of her life.

This is the first thought that came to my mind when I read the OP.

 

[disykat]

What is DIL supposed to do now? Call her parents and say "Hello, Mom? Sorry but my MIL wants to spend alone time with DS so can you guys stay home or come at a different time? After all, we spent Thanksgiving with you."

Yes! That is the reasonable thing to do. The had an agreement about the dates, then the inlaws changed their minds and wanted both holidays. The question of interference was asked because they KNEW it was interfering with plans that had already been made.

 

[juligrl]

I'm ready to just tell my sons to "do their own thing" for Christmas and I'll just stay home!

The deal is, DS#1 and DIL have split holidays between the two sets of parents. This year they went to her parents for Thanksgiving and Christmas was to be with me. Well, DIL is 7 1/2 months pregnant, so I offered to drive the six hours to them. At first her parents were going to come earlier Christmas week (they live 7 hours away), so I changed my plans and DS#2 and I were driving down on Christmas Day. Then, her parents decided not to come, but I couldn't get time off to go earlier because my work has set times to make your vacation plans. Fine. We're going Christmas Day and coming back on Sunday.

Now her parents are coming on Friday. So, I get less then one day to spend with my son. They ruined my summer vacation with my son and now this. They feel everyone should do everything together and it all involves major drama -- tears, etc., if you don't go along with the plan. (Explains how I ended up in Victorias Secret with my son and her dad -- not a happy camper.)

I just don't know what to do. At this point, I just want to stay home and send DS#2 to be with his girlfriend's family.

To add to the hurt, my son and DIL spent an entire week with his Dad and I haven't had one minute alone with him this year. It hurts.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Charm

Maybe I'm missing something - and I'll admit, I've only read this post - but what is the problem with being there at the same time as your son's in-laws? My parents and my in-laws aren't best buddies or anything, but we always have them both over for Christmas. Everybody is pleased because they each get to spend time with their kids on the holiday and DH and I our pleased cause we don't have to split our time between two families when we can just have them all here.

Is the concern because DIL is pregnant? I opened my house for big family Christmases twice while 6 1/2 months pregnant. Unless she's having medical issues with the pregnancy it shouldn't be a problem - besides wouldn't your DSon be there too to handle things?

Color me confused. I don't understand why this is such an issue for you. I'll have to read on...

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Yes! That is the reasonable thing to do. The had an agreement about the dates, then the inlaws changed their minds and wanted both holidays. The question of interference was asked because they KNEW it was interfering with plans that had already been made.

I guess this is a good point that has been overlooked.

If they HAD A HARD aggreement to spend THanksgiving with JUST DIL's family and a HARD agreement to spend xmas with JUST OP's family. Then...
that is sort of "wrong" for DIL and son to just decide last min. not to do it that way.

Just all around sticky..b/c it's family.

Ugh..I'm sorry OP I really hope that you find what you need to have a Merry Christmas with your son and his family. I know it must be hard dealing with all this.

 

[wall*e2008]

The OP posted about this on 10/15 (her other persona) and said her DIL called before then. Two months have passed and the OP is still complaining. It is now too late and she would be wrong to just stay home and wrong to tell them the ILS are not to come.

 

[EdiePA]

Let it go, okay?

I complained the first time because they were changing the holiday schedule that THEY made up! So, I changed my plans, sucked it up and went along.

NOW two months later, they changed their plans AGAIN to be there when I am. That's why I was venting.

I love my DIL and spend more one-on-one time with her than with my son. So, everything you've implied is wrong. I forgot to include her in one sentence -- flog me.

Edie

 

[Mahnahmahnah]

Why not?

Yes! That is the reasonable thing to do. The had an agreement about the dates, then the inlaws changed their minds and wanted both holidays. The question of interference was asked because they KNEW it was interfering with plans that had already been made.

I couldn't do that to my mother, sorry. I understand what you guys are saying, though. I would have been able to do it back in Oct when she first said something, but not now. Not like that. MIL is NOT my mother. My mother will always be MY mother. I will not choose sides, nor be forced to choose sides. That's what may be going on here as well. I'm sure DIL 'read' the signals given off by OP anyway. Maybe DIL regrets how this played out now, too.


We also don't know all the circumstances of all this either. Could be 100 scenerios. Is DIL having a troubled pregnancy? Did it take her ten years to get pregnant? Is this their only daughter? Did any one in the family pass away recently? Her family may need her now, too for whatever reason.