I hate the holidays !

[Mkrop]

Dont be THAT MIL! You are creating your own drama by not going. It will affect you DS and DDIL.

 

[Mahnahmahnah]

I totally agree that the OP should not be treated as a doormat, but staying home because the circumstances are not perfect is really cutting off your nose to spite your face. In the long run the OP would end up as the loser and her DS and DIL would see no difference between her and the ILs. The world is not perfect and adjustment is necessary. If she is more relaxed about the situation and keeps a happy attitude, she will be more welcome.
My own DS and DIL have a new baby and are also quite busy with their careers. I try to make myself available at their convenience because it is easier for me to do. DIL's parents are divorced and that often causes upset, but my DH and I just try to be upbeat and pleasant and we ignore the rest. Things don't always work out the way we prefer, but we do have a good close relationship with our son. We are often together with the ILs, but stay pleasant and upbeat and don't get involved in their drama.
To schedule some alone time, I set a 'date' with DS and another with DIL. Once a year I take each of them out to dinner alone and we have a great time. I schedule it at their convenience and not at any holiday time.

ITA!

And I'm sure your DS and DIL appreciate this. It is wonderful you feel this way.

This thread struck a nerve with me because I have some issues with my MIL similar to this about holidays and she has mentioned 'door mat'. She also said at one point that some of us treat her like animals. Drama. She had a lot of kids and has empty nest syndrome. I can understand that. But there comes a point when you have to get along with everyone or stay home and wallow in it. My SIL's all feel the same way, it doesn't go unnoticed. We all try to please her. She is a great person otherwise, but when it comes to sharing holidays, it's 'drama all the way'. ( Instead of 'jingle all the way' )

People are not mind readers, so if MIL feels badly about time not being spent alone , she needs to be honest and then be accomodating to all situations now, it's life. It will only get worse after the baby is born. I know in my situation I don't want to have to keep a score card of who sees the baby on what holiday. If we keep getting flack, I'm just going to start planning vacations during the holidays.

 

[mumom95]

You should commiserate with this DISer, since your holiday plans sound similarly ruined:

EdiePA

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1983513


Maybe you two can compare notes. Or, at least, you know you are not alone.

I thought when I read the OP it sounded strangely familiar. Now I see why.

What's up?

 

[Pigeon]

Alone time? That strikes me as just weird. He's your adult son, not your husband.

If you want to go, go. If you want to stay home, stay home. Either way, complaining about it is likely to get you invited even less.

 

[arminnie]

Why is it such a crime for OP to want to spend alone time with her son and DDIL?

I don't believe it is. But this is CHRISTMAS - I would find it hard to turn away any of my family that wanted to see me on Christmas. (unless it was really a horrible person "axe murderer" that I never wanted to see).

For me Christmas is about love and joy and family. Not that they all overlap all the time (unfortunately).

I would be upset with any family member who even turned away a second cousin (much less their mother) because it was "their" time at Christmas.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Where is OP??

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Not pretending, but I don't think OP should be the doormat for DDIL's family at every turn. If I were OP, yes, I would cut my nose off to spite my face, and stay home. If you let someone walk all over you, it becomes habit. I think this is completely disrespectful of DDIL family and DDIL for allowing it.

Allowing what exactly? Maybe the DDIL wants to see HER family for the holiday? Why does it have to be one or the other? Can they not just suck it up and get along for 2 days? Obviously the DDIL's family likes the MIL. That is why they probably figured that the more the merrier. I know we do it that way. The OP doesn't like anyone. Everyone else seems to enjoy each other. I think the OP needs to decide what is more important to her. Seeing her son and his family or being right.

 

[Amy&Dan]

I think by alone time, OP meant alone with her son and his wife before the daughter in laws wacko family came on the scene. I haven't read all the replies, but OP, I feel your pain. My mother went through all of this after my brother met his wife. My mother adored my sister in law, but her mother, not so much. And often, it was a package deal, brother and his wife would come out, and the mom would come with them. My brother and his wife were never able to visit on an actual holiday for the 10 years in between when they got together and my mom died. It hurt my mom deeply. It was understandable since the inlaws lived 300 miles away (five hour car ride) vs. the 1000 miles away we lived. It made sense but it still hurt. A lot.

I can see why you are hurt. There will be no way to handle this in a way that all parties are 100% happy. I am sad to say, this will only get worse once that grandbaby arrives. Because women tend to want a lot of time with their own parents once they have a baby and those pesky inlaws will be come way more hands on once the little one arrives. I agree, that the saying of "a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter all of her life" is often true. My mother learned to just let it go, my brother was often caught in the middle and she decided she didn't want to put him through that. So she saw him and his wife when she could and my brother God love him flew her out to see them many times to make up for the many times he couldn't come here as his wife's family was sort of in the first chair of the family dynamics band. I really feel for you. But I think in the end, it will be up to you to be the bigger person, suck it up and go there and make nice with everyone. Taking a backseat with your own son is never easy, but in the end, you'll be front seat in his heart and mind when he sees you make this effort.

I think you are perfectly entitled to feel hurt. I hope it all works out and you have a nice Christmas.

There are plenty of posters here who have more than one username by the way.

 

[disykat]

People are being so freaky about the "alone time" thing. Like others, it seems obvious to me the OP is talking about being able to spend time with her family (ds and dil) without the inlaws being present. She hasn't had that opportunity this whole year because her summer visit evidently included them as well.

I have two sons and I fully expect to share them with their wives and their wives families some day. That shouldn't mean I'll never be able to see them without their wives family present.

 

[*Fantasia*]

Where is OP??

Maybe she is still figuring out how to explain to us why she posted the same story, but under a different name. That's my guess. Wherever she is, I hope things work out for her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Not pretending, but I don't think OP should be the doormat for DDIL's family at every turn. If I were OP, yes, I would cut my nose off to spite my face, and stay home. If you let someone walk all over you, it becomes habit. I think this is completely disrespectful of DDIL family and DDIL for allowing it.

If staying home is something that you need to do then fine, stay home.

At the same token you have to understand that if you are going to want an exclusive holiday with them then I suppose adjusting your plans is the best route.

Logically this will be an issue for a long time so I would go see my kids before or after the holiday bonanza.

Would this be a compromise you would accept or would you demand it to be at Christmas every year and then be disappointed?

 

[EdiePA]

sorry, I was at work and don't log on with my EdiePA account because of nosy co-workers.

I'm not asking for an exclusive all-or-nothing time. I already changed my plans for the in-laws and moved my time to only Christmas Day and the weekend. (And it didn't have to be Christmas Day -- but that's when my son wanted me there.) The other in-laws already celebrated Christmas with the kids on Thanksgiving -- this trip is just "gravy". When they 1st said they were coming, I moved my plans back to accommodate them and give them more one-on-one time with the kids. Then, they weren't coming and now they're coming exactly when I am.

I have a job. I can't just "change my plans" -- my vacation time had to be put in four months ago.

It's not that I dislike them -- I dislike the drama and yes, it's adults who cry when someone doesn't want to go along with their plans, slam doors, etc.

So, to all who gave me some perspective, thank you.

Edie

Oh, and no I'm not exactly thrilled about the grandchild. Her mom is sucking all of the excitement out of it -- she's already pressuring me as to what the baby will call me and I am not to come the first two weeks -- that is HER time.

 

[SHAYMARAYSMOM]

sorry, I was at work and don't log on with my EdiePA account because of nosy co-workers.
I'm not asking for an exclusive all-or-nothing time. I already changed my plans for the in-laws and moved my time to only Christmas Day and the weekend. (And it didn't have to be Christmas Day -- but that's when my son wanted me there.) The other in-laws already celebrated Christmas with the kids on Thanksgiving -- this trip is just "gravy". When they 1st said they were coming, I moved my plans back to accommodate them and give them more one-on-one time with the kids. Then, they weren't coming and now they're coming exactly when I am.

I have a job. I can't just "change my plans" -- my vacation time had to be put in four months ago.

It's not that I dislike them -- I dislike the drama and yes, it's adults who cry when someone doesn't want to go along with their plans, slam doors, etc.

So, to all who gave me some perspective, thank you.

Edie

Oh, and no I'm not exactly thrilled about the grandchild. Her mom is sucking all of the excitement out of it -- she's already pressuring me as to what the baby will call me and I am not to come the first two weeks -- that is HER time.

Do you post under more than one account? If so is the other post about the same thing you also?

 

[EdiePA]

The first post was about having to forsake half of my vacation because the in-laws were coming.

Someone earlier in the thread posted a link.

E.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Edie, I totally saw where you were coming from. I hope it all works out. These things really do hurt. I saw my mom go through this same thing. I think you have to have lived it to know just how hurtful it is. I mean can anyone here honestly say this wouldn't hurt them?

I swear, its like the CIA around here with people posting links to everything people have ever posted.

Good luck, I hope you have a nice Christmas.

 

[lil mermaid]

Sorry but I agree with OP and these other posters. Why is it such a crime for OP to want to spend alone time with her son and DDIL? She's already gone out of her way to accomodate her son and DDIL by going to see them, as well as coordinating with her parents, but somehow everyone sees her as the bad guy? These plans were set and everyone had agreed. If the "kids" decide to change things next year, then fine, but I think it's rude and disrespectful to always expect one person to make all of the concessions. I think if DDIL were a good DIL she'd stand up and tell her family they'd have to wait. The world doesn't always revolve around one family and their whims.

There isn't anything wrong with WANTING to spend "alone time with her DS and DDIL. What's wrong is telling them to take a hike because the holiday isn't going to go exactly the way she wants it to.

 

[Allison]

So, you are Charmin1976 and EdiePA? Sorry, just trying to keep things straight. It was confusing.

 

[lil mermaid]

Oh, and no I'm not exactly thrilled about the grandchild. Her mom is sucking all of the excitement out of it -- she's already pressuring me as to what the baby will call me and I am not to come the first two weeks -- that is HER time.

That is really sad.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP, you sound like you are in alot of pain, feeling rejected and a person looking in from the outside. Like you are not wanted or don't belong in your son's life any longer.

My suggestion to you would be to get yourself healthy, physically and mentally. Deal with your demons and perhaps then you can get even stronger to be able to handle with care the situation with your son, dil, and new grandbaby.

I guess I am really reading the pain in your posts.

 

[SHAYMARAYSMOM]

The first post was about having to forsake half of my vacation because the in-laws were coming.

Someone earlier in the thread posted a link.

E.

oh I am just a little confused.