I hate the holidays !

[mjkacmom]

Oh, and no I'm not exactly thrilled about the grandchild. Her mom is sucking all of the excitement out of it -- she's already pressuring me as to what the baby will call me and I am not to come the first two weeks -- that is HER time.

Okay, I was on your side, but not being thrilled about a grandchild?! I can see why she wants to know what you want to be called (in our family, everyone is called something different), and although I LOVE my MIL, I would want my mom with me during the first few weeks, not my MIL. My MIL lived in town for my first baby (as does my mom), and she was great about letting me dictate how much she was here (my mom, of course, was here all of the time).

 

[N&B'smom]

Oh, and no I'm not exactly thrilled about the grandchild. Her mom is sucking all of the excitement out of it -- she's already pressuring me as to what the baby will call me and I am not to come the first two weeks -- that is HER time.

I feel very sorry for you regarding this whole situation, especially the fact that you would allow someone else to rob you of your joy about your future grandchild. I can't imagine ANYTHING or ANYONE being able to do that.

As far as her telling you that the first two weeks are 'her' time, why don't you ask your son what he and your DIL want?

Honestly though, it should be your DIL's choice who she wants to come stay with her for a couple of weeks, if anyone. I loved my MIL but I wouldn't have wanted her to come stay with me after I had my children. That's not because I didn't love her it's just because that's not exactly an easy time and I would prefer my own mother to someone else's. So, please be understanding.

I really hope you are able to work something out. The whole situation seems very sad to me.

Shelby

 

[Loverly]

Oh, and no I'm not exactly thrilled about the grandchild.

Her mom is sucking all of the excitement out of it -- she's already pressuring me as to what the baby will call me and I am not to come the first two weeks -- that is HER time.

OK Edie-stop being timid.

MIL gets to choose what baby calls HER.

YOU get to choose what baby calls YOU-MIL has NOTHING to say about it-why would she?



One lady I know chose the name "Bunny" as what the grandkids call her!
Another chose this weird made up name "MawMus"
Grams, Granny, MawMaw,.........find something YOU want and in the FUTURE when baby speaks YOU tell BABY what to call you , it'll be fine

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Is it possible that the DIL is using her Mom to tell you what she wants? Meaning she wants her own Mom there to help and doesn't know how to tell you? I can't imagine that she doesn't want you to see the baby though. Maybe she just doesn't want to have houseguests right after the baby is born. Or maybe she just lets her Mom say whatever and then she does what she wants and figures it is easier than constantly correcting her Mom.
As for not being excited about a grandchild? That is terrible. I don't care what anyone else does. I think that might be little glimpse into their side of the story. JMHO.

 

[castleview]

I'll cut the OP slack and assume she meant the "situation" after the grandchild is born. Edie, I think you can be the bigger person but also let DS know that you redid your plans and that you don't have to spend your vacation with DIL's family. (I'd also give DS#2 the decision of what he does). Young couples tend to grow back bones after a baby is born. Hopefully, that will happen with your DIL and DS.

 

[Mkrop]

Edie I know you are hurting, but I will say it again plese dont be that MIL. Go with the flow on holidays and then schedule other times to be with just them. You have years of being with all these crazies.

Were you ever a DIL? Look at it from her perspective, she is probably caught in the middle and is trying to make everyone happy. I know I did A LOT of that when I first got married and had DS#1. I still try to do that sometimes.

As for the first two weeks after the baby is born , to be honest I would prefer my mom. It is an awkward time and I just wanted my mom there, although she drove me crazy as well. For DS11 My mom came and then my ILs visted later. For DS5, I needed a driver to get DS11 to preschool. MIL offered, I was and am grateful, but what a disater. I had VERY bad cramping with DS5, I did not have this with my first son, and I was crying and in tons of pain, I clled the Dr etc. MIL is a nurse and needless to say she was not the most sympathetic person on earth and told me how easy her deliveries were. She was not my mom and I was embarrassed about how my body was reacting with her there.

And as far as the name to be called, well I see the other mom's point, time to get it together and decide, Grandma, Mommom or Nana. You need to make up your mind!

Please enjoy this time, do not let anyone take away the joy of the holiday or the birth of your first grandchild!

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I'm sorry. But you are sucking your own "fun" out of having a grandchild.
You are a grown woman. Who now has a grown son, with a family. And a new extended family. Whether..you LIKE that or not.
Being honest...
Let the Christmas thing go. Enjoy your son and DIL and have a good time.
Your son's number one in life is his wife and his new baby. Let him focus on that. And if she wants her family around her now..that is understandable. It's the holidays..who dosen't.

(YES, it stinks that they already had their holiday and now they are creeping in on yours. It really does, that shouldn't happnen. An even better reason for you to plan some time to spend with your son and dil after the holidays when noone else has a good reason to be there.)
And just an FYI:

As far as after your grandchild goes..you don't want to start this crap already. This tug and pull a child will grow to notice..even if you say nothing at all.
Your DIL's mom is excited, that is why she is talking about what the kid will call you. I have been there.
Also...you obviously will be there after the baby is born. No one can stop you from going to the hospital to meet your new grandson or granddaughter.
But if your DIL (the one who had the baby, and at times like this..needs her OWN MOTHER) wants her mom there, what's the big deal? Being upfront about that now seems fair to me.

I am not trying to be rude,

but there are two ways you can go about this..

You can fight the current, ending up with TONS of resentment and uncomfy feelings by those around you.

OR

You can go with the flow, and enjoy the time you DO have with them all and get excited about your grandbaby!! Your relationships will stay happy.

I don't think it's the DRAMA of her family that bothers you as much as it's the fact that they are there. You want your son and dil to yourself. No matter what this family was like.
They could be the nicest people on earth and you would still for some reason feel threatened by them...WHY IS THAT?

 

[kpm76]

Okay, I was on your side, but not being thrilled about a grandchild?! I can see why she wants to know what you want to be called (in our family, everyone is called something different), and although I LOVE my MIL, I would want my mom with me during the first few weeks, not my MIL. My MIL lived in town for my first baby (as does my mom), and she was great about letting me dictate how much she was here (my mom, of course, was here all of the time).

Yeah, I don't get not being excited about the grandchild. And I totally understand why there is a need to figure out what the baby will call you. DH's parents are divorced....so between us we have 3 set of grandparents. I asked very early on what everyone wanted to be called so I could make sure their name was special and I didn't want any duplicates. Well, my FIL didn't tell us what we wanted to be called and brought flowers to the hospital signing them love-papa. Well, my dad had already picked papa so we had to tell him this and it was awkward. We didn't want to hurt his feelings but he disregarded our request to establish names early.

I love my MIL to pieces; she is a wonderful woman. But other than my DH, I wanted my mom with me when DD was a newborn. It just makes sense....

 

[akhenaten]

Yeah, I don't get not being excited about the grandchild. And I totally understand why there is a need to figure out what the baby will call you. DH's parents are divorced....so between us we have 3 set of grandparents. I asked very early on what everyone wanted to be called so I could make sure their name was special and I didn't want any duplicates. Well, my FIL didn't tell us what we wanted to be called and brought flowers to the hospital signing them love-papa. Well, my dad had already picked papa so we had to tell him this and it was awkward. We didn't want to hurt his feelings but he disregarded our request to establish names early.

I love my MIL to pieces; she is a wonderful woman. But other than my DH, I wanted my mom with me when DD was a newborn. It just makes sense....

Why couldn't one be papa "joe" and one papa "mike"???
I do not understand the issue of grandparent names....

I think it is really sad that the OP is letting petty things dampen her feelings about a new grandchild!!!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Yes, I have to say, I am on Edie's side because I had a mom that wasn't always treated fairly by her son and dil and I saw how that hurt her. But Edie, I have to say, now that I have reread your earlier post that you aren't thrilled about this grandbaby, I need to tell you, that is plainly not good. Not good for your son, his wife, their baby or you. Who wins when you feel like that? I can tell you that my mom put up with plenty, when my brother's wife got pregnant, she knew that distance and the fact that the maternal grandmother almost always plays a more signficant role (heck she did with my kids and my sister's), was going to make this grandbaby different. But she was still thrilled. She knew that since these babies (twins) would be spending most if not all holidays with their other grandmother, it would be a bit of a sticking point. But she got over that and just decided that she was going to roll with the punches. It took some growing up and soul searching on her part. I suggest you do the same. And I don't mean that to be harsh. But part of life is learning to change and adapt. You have to change the way you feel about this situation or you will turn into the bitter grandma this baby doesn't love as much. Not because of your inlaws taking away from you. But because of you taking away from yourself and your son and his family.

Again, feel hurt. You are entitled. But pick yourself up off that floor and be thankful you are having a grandbaby. A lot of people don't get that chance in life for all kinds of reasons.

And I would talk with your son privately, in person, by phone or email and tell how you are feeling. That you know he is caught in the middle too. Not to yell or whine, but to just tell him, "hey I am hurting but I am trying and I want you to know how much I love you". Believe me, I am betting your son and his wife are very well aware of this situation and how it must look to you. By showing them that yes you are hurt but you still love them and won't be getting in the last word by rejecting them, you will come off as the good mama. I guarantee it! And that won't mean they'll nuke the inlaws but rather that they will value you and want to spend time with you. They will find ways to make that happen. But if you turn away, they'll turn away too. And again, who wins there?

Okay, I sound really preachy and I don't mean to. But please don't let this thing derail your happiness and relationships! I saw this almost happen with my brother and mother. Thankfully my mom dealt with it.

I might add that nine years ago my brother and my mother at this time weren't even speaking. She was angry, he was caught in the middle but reacted to her anger with his own and it almost broke up our family. But they met each other halfway and went on to live happily ever after. Thank God, my mom only lived another 8 years, imagine how awful that would have been if she had stood her ground and they had never spoken again.

 

[wall*e2008]

sorry, I was at work and don't log on with my EdiePA account because of nosy co-workers.

I'm not asking for an exclusive all-or-nothing time. I already changed my plans for the in-laws and moved my time to only Christmas Day and the weekend. (And it didn't have to be Christmas Day -- but that's when my son wanted me there.) The other in-laws already celebrated Christmas with the kids on Thanksgiving -- this trip is just "gravy". When they 1st said they were coming, I moved my plans back to accommodate them and give them more one-on-one time with the kids. Then, they weren't coming and now they're coming exactly when I am.

I have a job. I can't just "change my plans" -- my vacation time had to be put in four months ago.

It's not that I dislike them -- I dislike the drama and yes, it's adults who cry when someone doesn't want to go along with their plans, slam doors, etc.

So, to all who gave me some perspective, thank you.

Edie

Oh, and no I'm not exactly thrilled about the grandchild. Her mom is sucking all of the excitement out of it -- she's already pressuring me as to what the baby will call me and I am not to come the first two weeks -- that is HER time.

Why is her going the first two weeks a problem? Just go after she leaves. That is what all the son's parents seem to do that I know.

Nobody can suck the thrill out of a new one except you. Get over yourself and do right by the little one.

When I grew up I had two Grandmas. When I was alone with one I just called them Grandma. When I was talking to somebody I would just call them Grandma Last Name. Seems easy enough.

You could also use Grandma First Name or an your ethnic name for Grandma.

This just seems like far too much drama to me.

 

[kpm76]

Why couldn't one be papa "joe" and one papa "mike"???
I do not understand the issue of grandparent names....

I think it is really sad that the OP is letting petty things dampen her feelings about a new grandchild!!!

If I am being completely truthful, it's because I have a close relationship with my dad and I wanted him to the the only Papa. DH was aware of this and backed me 100%. We're not very close to my FIL; we see him about twice a year and I just felt the name meant alot to my dad and I wanted to honor that. May seem petty to some, but what's important to one may not be to another.

The real tragedy here though is that the future grandmother is allowing others to dampen her spirits about the birth of a child.

 

[Mahnahmahnah]

I agree with Mkrop & ThreeMusketeers. I have some issues with my MIL, but NOTHING like this. My MIL loves and cherishes DD. Thank goodness for that!

I think OP feels threatened by them because she's afraid of losing her son more and more. She may have realized he was slipping away when DS got married. There comes a time to cut the apron strings.

I also think there is a lot more going on then is being said here. It's such a shame to project this onto an innocent baby. Maybe a trip to the doctor or counselor would do some good. What's wrong with being the better person and just letting stuff go? What exactly are you trying to prove?


OP I hope you try to have a Merry Christmas and somehow find it in your heart to enjoy your grandbaby.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

I agree with Mkrop & ThreeMusketeers. I have some issues with my MIL, but NOTHING like this. My MIL loves and cherishes DD. Thank goodness for that!

I think OP feels threatened by them because she's afraid of losing her son more and more. She may have realized he was slipping away when DS got married. There comes a time to cut the apron strings.

I also think there is a lot more going on then is being said here. It's such a shame to project this onto an innocent baby. Maybe a trip to the doctor or counselor would do some good. What's wrong with being the better person and just letting stuff go? What exactly are you trying to prove?


OP I hope you try to have a Merry Christmas and somehow find it in your heart to enjoy your grandbaby.

I think you are so right.

OP is afraid of losing her son. And with each thing, she loses him more.
Him getting married, moving away, having new inlaws..new MOTHER IN LAW. Someone who could possiably be a new important maternal strength in his life.
My MIL was the same way with DH.
The sad part is... I wanted to love her, and I wanted her to be a part of our lives. Yes..there were certain things that I wanted my mom and just her there for. I am a woman, that is MY MOM. And it's just the nature of the truth that sometimes..men don't feel the same with their mothers. My MIL pushed and pushed and made such a big stink about everything to the point where my husband felt really resentful of her. And he is still trying to repair their relationship.
No matter what your son has going on in his life.. it does not change the fact that he loves you. He cares about you. He wants you to be a stable, loving grandmother and mother of the grown man that he has become.
I think you have a lot of growing up to do in your own right. And a lot of soul searching. You absolutly need to take your feelings seriously right now, b/c they will indeed shape what you are reveered as by your son, his family and his new extended family
You are not losing him. You are just loving him in a different way.

 

[zalansky]

I agree with Mkrop & ThreeMusketeers. I have some issues with my MIL, but NOTHING like this. My MIL loves and cherishes DD. Thank goodness for that!

I think OP feels threatened by them because she's afraid of losing her son more and more. She may have realized he was slipping away when DS got married. There comes a time to cut the apron strings.

I also think there is a lot more going on then is being said here. It's such a shame to project this onto an innocent baby. Maybe a trip to the doctor or counselor would do some good. What's wrong with being the better person and just letting stuff go? What exactly are you trying to prove?


OP I hope you try to have a Merry Christmas and somehow find it in your heart to enjoy your grandbaby.

I agree with all of this. Like others have said we don't know all the details but this screams selfish and overbearing mom to me. If I were the DIL, I'd be begging my parents to come stay also to save me from my MIL. Put yourself in their shoes - they probably have the same feelings about you as you have of them. I only say this because I am the DIL of a selfish, very strange MIL so I am sorry I am so sympathetic to the DIL here. It is what it is. I don't get why its such a big deal to all be together.

 

[Mahnahmahnah]

I think you are so right.

OP is afraid of losing her son. And with each thing, she loses him more.
Him getting married, moving away, having new inlaws..new MOTHER IN LAW. Someone who could possiably be a new important maternal strength in his life.
My MIL was the same way with DH.
The sad part is... I wanted to love her, and I wanted her to be a part of our lives. Yes..there were certain things that I wanted my mom and just her there for. I am a woman, that is MY MOM. And it's just the nature of the truth that sometimes..men don't feel the same with their mothers. My MIL pushed and pushed and made such a big stink about everything to the point where my husband felt really resentful of her. And he is still trying to repair their relationship.
No matter what your son has going on in his life.. it does not change the fact that he loves you. He cares about you. He wants you to be a stable, loving grandmother and mother of the grown man that he has become.
I think you have a lot of growing up to do in your own right. And a lot of soul searching. You absolutly need to take your feelings seriously right now, b/c they will indeed shape what you are reveered as by your son, his family and his new extended family
You are not losing him. You are just loving him in a different way.

And I think you are spot on! I understand exactly what you mean.

OP - are you Italian? I think Italian mom's always have the harder time giving up their sons . They would have their sons live home forever if they could.


My MIL has sons. For many years it was holidays at her house with her boys. It was a big deal. She was always the 'queen'. Then as the boys grow up and get families of their own, she is no longer the queen. It is a tough pill to swallow. But it needs to be swallowed none the less. With as little resentment as possible.

OP - you have to understand your actions and words have big impact on the future with your family.

 

[tinker&belle]

Maybe the in-laws like you and want to see you while they are there?

Maybe DS and DIL only want to have company for a few days, there is a lot to do with a baby on the way. I wonder if they feel overwhelmed.

Best of luck, Happy Holidays.

 

[disykat]

Wow - you people are NASTY!!!

As someone else pointed out, give her the benefit of the doubt. She is upset about the MIL situation and knows it will be an issue with the grandchild because of the drama already.

Honestly, people continued to post "I don't understand, you said you're both people I don't get it, how can you be ..... " blah blah blah after they'd clearly read the OP's explanation.

I'm honestly floored by this thread. So little compassion on here and so little willingness to give the OP any slack.

The OP doesn't like her son's inlaws and doesn't want to spend time with them. She hopes she'll be able to see her son, DIL, and grandchild without them present at some point. People act like that is something she doesn't dare want?

The fact that the other grandma wants to duke it out over what a grandbaby who isn't even born yet will call her and is warning her off about when she will be allowed to visit IS a huge warning sign. Son and DIL get to decide that.

Calling the OP unwilling to let go of her son because she wants to see him at some point during the year without her inlaws present? Now I've heard everything!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Wow - you people are NASTY!!!

As someone else pointed out, give her the benefit of the doubt. She is upset about the MIL situation and knows it will be an issue with the grandchild because of the drama already.

Honestly, people continued to post "I don't understand, you said you're both people I don't get it, how can you be ..... " blah blah blah after they'd clearly read the OP's explanation.

I'm honestly floored by this thread. So little compassion on here and so little willingness to give the OP any slack.

The OP doesn't like her son's inlaws and doesn't want to spend time with them. She hopes she'll be able to see her son, DIL, and grandchild without them present at some point. People act like that is something she doesn't dare want?

The fact that the other grandma wants to duke it out over what a grandbaby who isn't even born yet will call her and is warning her off about when she will be allowed to visit IS a huge warning sign. Son and DIL get to decide that.

Calling the OP unwilling to let go of her son because she wants to see him at some point during the year without her inlaws present? Now I've heard everything!

I'm with you on this one! I'm firmly in OP's camp on this one.

I'm amazed how little respect or thought everyone thinks OP deserves from her DIL. She has been more than accomodating in rearranging her plans for the sake of the ILs and has been more than willing to spend her vacation time with them, but she gets trounced by everyone. She has already gone along with DIL's plans of splitting the holidays each year. She has done everything that was asked of her. If the ILs are this overbearing now, do you really think she stands a chance of ever having quality time with the baby? What if OP picks the name that DIL's mom wanted? Do you think OP stands a chance of getting that, or will she be told, no that's what my mom wants? I say OP is being treated like crap and needs to make it known that it's not acceptable.

Also, everyone keeps saying "don't be that MIL", but what about the way DIL's mom is acting -- shouldn't that also apply to her because she is "that MIL" to OP's son? And OP needs to be the grown up -- why not DIL's mom and family? Why, with all the sacrifices OP has made already, should she continue to do so?

 

[wall*e2008]

Wow - you people are NASTY!!!

As someone else pointed out, give her the benefit of the doubt. She is upset about the MIL situation and knows it will be an issue with the grandchild because of the drama already.

Honestly, people continued to post "I don't understand, you said you're both people I don't get it, how can you be ..... " blah blah blah after they'd clearly read the OP's explanation.

I'm honestly floored by this thread. So little compassion on here and so little willingness to give the OP any slack.

The OP doesn't like her son's inlaws and doesn't want to spend time with them. She hopes she'll be able to see her son, DIL, and grandchild without them present at some point. People act like that is something she doesn't dare want?

The fact that the other grandma wants to duke it out over what a grandbaby who isn't even born yet will call her and is warning her off about when she will be allowed to visit IS a huge warning sign. Son and DIL get to decide that.

Calling the OP unwilling to let go of her son because she wants to see him at some point during the year without her inlaws present? Now I've heard everything!

Sorry but the OP reminds me of my MIL and it only gets worse.

One time there was a family emergency. DH and I both left from work to get there. So we arrived in two cars and at different times. I arrived much later due to being out of town for work. When I walked in the door I was greated by "What is she doing here, we don't need her." I was her DIL at the time. Guess what happened. DH got mad at her and pulled away. They never had the same relationship again. His mother wanted to be with her son, just like the OP. Problem is that he is part of a larger family and she could not accept that. Only blood counted to her.