I discovered my wife was having an affair today

[mr.toady]

Hi all,

I'm a regular on these boards, but am using a different name for this thread.

This afternoon, I found that my wife has been having an online affair with someone for the past few weeks. He doesn't live anywhere near us, but I found that they have said to each other that if they didn't live so far apart... well, you can guess. I confronted my wife after reading through their chats, which were not pleasant to read; they were fairly graphic. As I expected, her immediate reaction was to try and downplay it and point the finger at me. I went for a drive, despite her tearful insistence that I stay and talk. I returned home and told her I didn't want to talk about it. She surprised me in giving an emotional apology, telling me several times that she was glad she got caught. Despite her apparent sincerity, I have no interest in making her feel any less guilty about it at the moment. I told her I would talk to her tomorrow.

I fully expect that we'll move beyond the infidelity before too long. We have very young children, and I'm not interested in leaving her. I don't feel as hurt or angry as I thought I'd be, and I believe her when she says she's glad she got caught and that she made a huge mistake. I would not be so willing to move forward if it had been a physical affair. I'm ashamed to say it, but I myself have been unfaithful to someone before (although not her), so I know what it's like to be on the other side of the fence.

When I first confronted her, she reminded me that she has told me several times in the last month that she wants more affection from me, which is understandable. We've a relatively young couple, but my attraction to her has waned somewhat, which is partially due to familiarity I guess, but only partially. She has gained quite a bit of weight, and has made no effort to change that. (I'm not against people who are overweight, I'm just being honest about the reason for being less attracted to her.) I would never tell her that, because it would hurt her and she would never forget it. So I don't know what to say to her or do about it. It's not like I can just choose to be more attracted to her. Marriage counseling isn't really possible right now; we're just making enough money to survive pretty much.

This guy is married and has a young daughter, and I've thought about phoning his wife to let her know, but I've decided against it for now. But I figure, if I was in her place, I would 100% want to know.

Anyways, this message kind of ends in the middle of nowhere, but I welcome any comments or suggestions. Thanks for reading.

 

[happygirl]

I don't really know what to say. I don't want to sound harsh. I don't see how you can say that you don't find your own wife attractive my guess she knows already how you feel about her. That why she has reached out to someone that will accept her for who she is. You said yourself that you don't feel attracted to her. I really don't know what other option that leaves for your marriage?? I wouldn't call the wife of the guy. Why do you want to hurt that woman and that child??

 

[mugmunster]

Believe me, she knows you now find her unattractive, even without you saying it. I guess it doesn't excuse it, but....

Hope you guys find a solution that helps both of you.

 

[manning]

Hi all,




This guy is married and has a young daughter, and I've thought about phoning his wife to let her know,
.

Better yet call him and let him know "you mess with my wife, you mess with me"

I think he'll get the message and move on!!

 

[Stella3]

I wouldn't find my spouse attractive if he gained alot of weight. I'm sure I will be flamed, but MOST guys feel this way. They signed on with the woman they married, if a cow comes to pasture....it just isn't a good thing and the marriage will suffer.

 

[ExPirateShopGirl]

Sorry to hear it...

Couple of thoughts. She may be a bit depressed that she's gained weight and isn't feeling the desire in you that you once had for her. Instead of working on the weight issue to regain that feeling of being desired, she chose the instant/temporary variety that only a relationship based in fantasy can bring.

What about finding activities you both (kids, too) can do together that involves exercise? Hiking in the mountains, walking on the beach, geocaching, bicycling, golf, tennis. Things you can do inexpensively. Suggest to her that you both go get physicals (most insurance will pay for one a year) and get basic blood work done. See what your cholesterol levels are. Make a pact to BOTH eat and live healthier. See if she will train with you to run a 10k, or a half marathon.

I know you don't want to hurt her feelings... but isn't allowing her to live miserably large without giving her a nudge in the right direction worse?

Good luck...

 

[shortbun]

Lots of women gain weight when they are unhappy or feel unloved. They eat to compensate. Perhaps the two of you could work together to solve all your problems. Marriage requires effort. Take this as your que to work very hard at yours right now.

 

[twinklebug]

Oiy. 1st let me say I'm sorry you had to experience this. I had something similar happen between me and my ex ~years~ back. It was him giving himself to the other woman (also with a family) emotionally that hurt deep. Trust is a very fragile thing & once broken takes a long time to grow back. Still, I sense you do want to work on your relationship - just remember it takes two to do so. You don't need a marriage counselor if you're both willing to communicate openly, honestly and on a regular basis.

You have young kids, so of course everything IS different from when you first married - time, money, distractions and even her physical appearance (having kids will do that to a woman's body.) But you know, we humans are fantastic at adapting to changes in our environments & lives. You both need to focus on building up a NEW relationship with each other - and - for now - your kids are a big part of that focus.

A great start is to start doing more activities ~together~ hike, walk, even plant a garden. This will help you BOTH physically & emotionally. Take the kids to the park, a beach, even free events sponsored by the town library if they have any. See if you can afford a sitter one night every other week. Get out with just the two of you to a place you can be with each other, but not distracted.


As long as you give it time and work at it you can never look back and regret your actions. That's 1/2 of it though. Only your wife can determine if the other 1/2 will give it a proper chance

 

[MakiraMarlena]

OK, some of the posts on this thread outline part of the reason why I never got married.

If a man marries a woman he's supposed to love her whether she gets fat or sick or whatever.

I guess if most men don't want a "cow in their pasture" as a previous poster put it, that's it then. I'm not fat. But what if I got fat? What if I got sick?

and geez, if it's not a physical affair don't call the guy's wife for goodness sake. They've got little kids.

 

[Stella3]

I don't mean to offend, but that is really how most guys feel. It is really depressing to see all of my friends with wives that have gained 50+ pounds. Most of them are cheating now. I'm just telling it like it is.

 

[mugmunster]

I wouldn't find my spouse attractive if she gained alot of weight. I'm sure I will be flamed, but MOST guys feel this way. We signed on with the woman we married, if a cow comes to pasture....it just isn't a good thing and the marriage will suffer.

Here's to hoping you never go bald!

 

[Mad4Mickey]

I want to say how sorry I am for you . Then I want you to know that my 1st husband cheated on me 1st it was just talking on the phone , then a lunch here or there at his job, then a movie as a friend . Well you see where this is headed . I put up with that my last 3 years in a 13 year marriage some people think that I was crazy . I had my reasons they were 8 and 6 . You need to think about what you can get through and there is lots of free counceling out there . IT seems to me you are not atracted to her and that is not good and you may need to work on that .
Good Luck !

 

[hlbtimes2]

I think you have a couple choices you need to consider.

1. Leave her. If you are not attracted to her, and you arent giving her what she needs, she will find it else where. She has needs and if you arent willing to meet them, someone else will!

2. Learn to love her for who she is. Find her attractive for reasons that are not physical. Make love to her because she is a good wife and mother, despite a couple extra pounds.

3. Lastly, the one I wish my husband would do more of: Give her the help and support she needs to loose the weight and be healthy. Help her with the children. Get exercise together or as a family- go for a walk or bike ride, take up ballroom dancing, etc. Help her eat healthy- make healthy suggestions, dont complain at healthy meals, dont suggest dessert/ treats. Help her do something like Weight watchers. Go with her, or watch the kids while she goes, find interest in it and help her with it.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

I don't mean to offend, but that is really how most guys feel. It is really depressing to see all of my friends with wives that have gained 50+ pounds. Most of them are cheating now. I'm just telling it like it is.

thanks, that makes me more certain than ever that I made the correct choice. The stress of trying to be attractive would be horrible for me.

 

[JessicaR]

I don't mean to offend, but that is really how most guys feel. It is really depressing to see all of my friends with wives that have gained 50+ pounds. Most of them are cheating now. I'm just telling it like it is.

You really need to stop saying thats how MOST guys feel and just speak for yourself. It goes both ways ya know. I have a very hard time believing that ALL of your friends wives have gained 50+ lbs.

If you didn't mean to offend the cow comment would not have been mentioned. You're just telling it like it is based on what YOU see. That certainly is not the majority, thank God.

 

[douglisa]

That is hard. Let it be a wake up call for you both, I would suggest therapy.

Also, bout the weight gain...kinda falls into the for better or worse vow many take when they get married.
Humans make mistakes, we are blessed that we can learn from them. Your issues w/ her weight gain may have sent her looking for someone that is attracted to her more than you are. Some people are able to look past that sort of thing, there are even some men who like extra cushion for the
.
Remember, if you decide you do not want her anymore because of her weight there is always someone else out there that would be willing fill your shoes. Good luck to you!

 

[lindalinda]

I don't mean to offend, but that is really how most guys feel. It is really depressing to see all of my friends with wives that have gained 50+ pounds. Most of them are cheating now. I'm just telling it like it is.

Is there a planet that this wouldnt be found offensive?

 

[douglisa]

thanks, that makes me more certain than ever that I made the correct choice. The stress of trying to be attractive would be horrible for me.

I hope you really do not feel that way. If you were just joking then..... Otherwise you should know there are people out there who will accept you for who you are and love you.

 

[skater]

Wow. First I want to say that I empathize with you and hope that you guys can heal. Its going to be rough and take lots of hard work . I hope that both of you are willing to work at it. It is extremely depressing for a woman to feel that her spouse is not attracted to her and I'm sure you are grieving the loss of trust. Being hurt this bad leads to anger and bitterness - I hope you both are smart enough to deal with it now before that bitterness builds up for too long.

I'm not judging you, but responding to some of the other comments now. A good man will want to make his wife feel loved and desired. It benefits him in the long run if you know what I mean . It is the key to an exciting marriage. Some of these comments have reminded me how blessed I am to have the DH I have. I'm not a cow , but I'm not as thin as I was when we were married. And he in no way feels that he signed on with me only if I stayed the same . Everybody changes - inside and out - and we've both maintained our passion for each other. In fact, we are better now than we ever were. How foolish to throw away the kind of passion you could have because someone's appearance might change. I imagine we'll be old and grey and still be enjoying each other - or should we give up our passion because we won't be as attractive when we're old ?

 

[douglisa]

I'm Gonna Love You Forever, by Randy Travice

You may think that I'm talking foolish
You've heard that I'm wild & I'm free
You may wonder how I can promise you now
This love that I'm feeling for you always will be
You're not this time that I'm killing
I'm no longer one of those guys
As sure as I live this love that I give
Is gonna be yours till the day that I die -- Oh baby

I'm gonna love you forever, forever & ever amen
As long as old men sit & talk about the weather
As long as old women sit & talk about old men
If you wonder how long I'll be faithfull
I'll be happy to tell you again
I'm gonna love you forever & ever, forever & ever Amen

They say that time takes it's toll on a body
Makes the young girls brown hair turn grey
But honey, I don't care, I'm not in love with your hair
And if it all fell out well I'd love you anyway
They say that time can play tricks on a memory
And people forget things that they knew
But it's easy to see it's happening to me
I've already forgotten every woman but you --- Oh baby

I'm gonna love you forever, forever & ever amen
As long as old men sit & talk about the weather
As long as old women sit & talk about old men
If you wonder how long I'll be faithfull
I'll be happy to tell you again
I'm gonna love you forever & ever, forever & ever Amen

Just listen to how this song ends
I'm gonna love you forever & ever forever & ever
Forever & ever Forever & ever Amen