I discovered my wife was having an affair today

[Gina]

WOW... just wow. Please, for the love of all that is holy, get some counseling. Not for the marriage, for YOU. And pray to the god of your choice that you never gain weight, get a disease, have a crippling accident, etc. She was reaching out to someone else because she KNOWS how you feel about her... and I'm sorry, but you need to read your wedding vows again and either COMMIT to them, or set them ablaze in the barbeque pit and let her move on to someone who will appreciate her for her she really is!!

I mean, just, wow...

 

[douglisa]

Sorry, I just can not resist...Here is a man that likes himself a big girl!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=41APzy5kqBU

 

[Monte Cristo]

Good luck to you both.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XL2iSO-f96Y

 

[mr.toady]

Also, bout the weight gain...kinda falls into the for better or worse vow many take when they get married.
Humans make mistakes, we are blessed that we can learn from them. Your issues w/ her weight gain may have sent her looking for someone that is attracted to her more than you are. Some people are able to look past that sort of thing, there are even some men who like extra cushion for the
.
Remember, if you decide you do not want her anymore because of her weight there is always someone else out there that would be willing fill your shoes. Good luck to you!

I think there are some people here judging me for something(s) that I didn't say, or because they've interpreted something different from the way I intended it.

Regarding marriage vows, I want to clarify that I'm not at all interested in leaving her. I was just saying that her weight is undeniably a factor in me not being as attracted to her as I once was (and I am someone who prefers a little something extra). As I said, I haven't said anything to her about her weight, and would never criticize her about it -- I'm not that guy (I would never refer to her as a cow, etc.). But the weight is only a part of it... I can't really figure out what the rest of it is, aside from familiarity I suppose. Perhaps it's different between men and women, but I can't just choose to be attracted... and I don't withhold affection from my wife, but our "frequency" has gone down somewhat over the last year.

 

[kimmikayb]

Good luck to you both.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XL2iSO-f96Y

I love that video!

I agree with the posters who said your wife has realized how you feel about her and has turned to someone who accepts her as she is. It's not easy for some women to loose weight after having kids.

As for the poster who made the cow comment, really how awful.

 

[mugmunster]

I think there are some people here judging me for something(s) that I didn't say, or because they've interpreted something different from the way I intended it.

Regarding marriage vows, I want to clarify that I'm not at all interested in leaving her. I was just saying that her weight is undeniably a factor in me not being as attracted to her as I once was (and I am someone who prefers a little something extra). As I said, I haven't said anything to her about her weight, and would never criticize her about it -- I'm not that guy (I would never refer to her as a cow, etc.). But the weight is only a part of it... I can't really figure out what the rest of it is, aside from familiarity I suppose.

Well, I've been living with someone for 12 years. Yes, familiarity is there. It's hard sometimes, I know. But, I feel, if you have a good foundation, you can find the attraction again. It just takes work. Sometimes I have to think about what first made me fall in love with him, and it takes me back. Then sometimes I just watch him when he's not looking. (sounds creepy, but it isn't ) I usually find that brings me back.

I sincerely wish you all the best.

 

[Barbossa]

I don't really know what to say. I don't want to sound harsh. I don't see how you can say that you don't find your own wife attractive my guess she knows already how you feel about her. That why she has reached out to someone that will accept her for who she is. You said yourself that you don't feel attracted to her. I really don't know what other option that leaves for your marriage?? I wouldn't call the wife of the guy. Why do you want to hurt that woman and that child??

Gimme a break. If you're married with kids, you don't look to break up your family because your spouse doesn't find you "attractive". 9 times out of 10 that's going to eventually happen to every married couple. If it does happen, you do everything in your power to resolve the situation before you even think of creating children of divorced parents.

 

[DevilDuckie]

thanks, that makes me more certain than ever that I made the correct choice. The stress of trying to be attractive would be horrible for me.

Oh honey, it's not about not getting married, it's about not getting married to a shallow jerk. Over the course of nine years my husband has loved me at all different sizes within a range of about 80 pounds. At my smallest I am 5'2" and a size 14. Not a little girl by any standards. The right guy loves you for yourself. Mine thought I was hot at 240 lbs. (my top weight) and demonstrated it with both word and deed on a regular basis. :blush

I disagree with the people who think telling the other betrayed spouse is somehow hurting her. Sorry, the hurting was done by the cheater and all covering it up does is makes it easier for him to do it to her again. That woman has a right to know her marriage vows are being violated and to make an informed decision. She is not hurt less by being disrespected behind her back.

 

[skater]

I think there are some people here judging me for something(s) that I didn't say, or because they've interpreted something different from the way I intended it.

Regarding marriage vows, I want to clarify that I'm not at all interested in leaving her. I was just saying that her weight is undeniably a factor in me not being as attracted to her as I once was (and I am someone who prefers a little something extra). As I said, I haven't said anything to her about her weight, and would never criticize her about it -- I'm not that guy (I would never refer to her as a cow, etc.). But the weight is only a part of it... I can't really figure out what the rest of it is, aside from familiarity I suppose. Perhaps it's different between men and women, but I can't just choose to be attracted... and I don't withhold affection from my wife, but our "frequency" has gone down somewhat over the last year.

Its good that you can vent on here and be open and honest. You may not want advice, but since you posted, I'm going to give it. You CAN choose to be attracted. You may need some counseling, some dates, a new venue, whatever, but you do have a choice. You can work at being attractive and attracted. Women who feel desired are naturally more attractive. You say you don't want to leave her, but I'm worried that you have already given up. It DOES NOT have to be this way.

 

[msel68]

 

[DevilDuckie]

Well, I've been living with someone for 12 years. Yes, familiarity is there. It's hard sometimes, I know. But, I feel, if you have a good foundation, you can find the attraction again.

There is nothing sexier than a man who cleans the vomit off the couch while you hold the sick kid's hand in the bathroom. Seriously. How does a girl NOT find that kind of devotion attractive? Familiarity breeds passion.

 

[msel68]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qh9ZZgDqzAg

 

[douglisa]

If you are not willing to forgive her yet then wait. One good word of advice my father told me when I got married;"Don't let the sun go down on your anger." In other words don't sleep on it.) If your ready then go kiss her all over. Tell every spot of her body you love it. We women know w/out you saying anything at all what you feel about our bodies. Sometimes it is not what you say. Make mad passionate love to her. Are you willing to get therapy? If so I would wait to suggest that untill you have made love to her.
Here is some mood music. Now go take her.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=18TLHhhHZCA

 

[KyraS]

Wow, I'm a bigger women and have the most wonderful husband of 19 years! We are constantly having fun, making up something new. You have to TRY at a marriage, everything isn't just going to fall into place. Believe me you don't have to tell her how you are feeling, SHE KNOWS!

Go out, have fun! Heck even if you go outside and play in the rain, have FUN! We one of those large Wal-Mart swimming pools, we have a blast when the kids are in bed! Have dates! Even if it's just cuddling in your bed with a movie.

Good luck!

 

[Mr Man]

Here's to hoping you never go bald!

Giggle.......now that was foony, I don't care who you are........

 

[douglisa]

On the first part of his post it starts w/ "I discovered my wife...."
Seriously!!! Go DISCOVER your wife. Bow chica bow wow!

 

[Barbossa]

Its good that you can vent on here and be open and honest. You may not want advice, but since you posted, I'm going to give it. You CAN choose to be attracted. You may need some counseling, some dates, a new venue, whatever, but you do have a choice. You can work at being attractive and attracted. Women who feel desired are naturally more attractive. You say you don't want to leave her, but I'm worried that you have already given up. It DOES NOT have to be this way.

I'd bet a million bucks that for every woman who has problems getting affection from her man, there are 10 men who have the same problem with their woman.

 

[skater]

I'd bet a million bucks that for every woman who has problems getting affection from her man, there are 10 men who have the same problem with their woman.

You're probably right. Maybe they don't know what they're missing .

 

[simpilotswife]

I think it's interesting that when the shoe is on the foot, the OP is the one who is the problem. If this post had been a woman posting about her husband having an affair I feel sure that there would have been a lot more negative things said about the wayward spouse.


Now for my .02. OP it doesn't sound like you really care about your wife so you should give that some consideration. Nowhere did you say that you love her and you even indicated that you weren't that upset. I'm not sure why you don't think that that is a problem. Yes I know that some men have a hard time showing their feelings but they still react strongly to infidelity, physical or emotional. To me the fact that you are not that upset is a red flag to a deeper issue.

I agree with the posters that tell you to seek counseling but for a different reason. I think that you should see a counselor to determine if you love your wife. To be honest I think that if you don't love your wife you shouldn't stay together. She obviously senses something otherwise she wouldn't be looking outside of the marriage. It's also possible that she doesn't love you anymore or perhaps you aren't satisfying her physically even before she added some extra pounds (which could be a contributing factor in her weight gain).

In any case, good luck. Just know that it takes a special kind of man to make a big girl happy and you might not be one of those men. Believe it or not if you leave her tomorrow there are plenty of men who will love your wife (both phycially and emotionally) just the way she is.

 

[douglisa]

Wow!
I disagree, did you see how he got upset by how we were analyzing the situation? A man who does not care would not defend his union like that.