I discovered my wife was having an affair today

[lovetomow]

This is an accurate observation. I think it's due to two factors: 1) That the majority of Disboard members are female, and 2) The general disdain that today's society has for men. Men are generally portrayed as unintelligent, bad and/or absent parents, pedophiles, and obligated to serve their female counterparts with little or no expectation of anything in return. Feminism (which, in its moderate form, I certainly don't disagree with) has truly made us pay for the sins of our fathers.

Ding, Ding, Ding Winner!

If a man cheats it's his fault, if a woman cheats it's his fault. Typical DIS banter!

 

[Liberty Belle]

I don't really know what to say. I don't want to sound harsh. I don't see how you can say that you don't find your own wife attractive my guess she knows already how you feel about her. That why she has reached out to someone that will accept her for who she is. You said yourself that you don't feel attracted to her. I really don't know what other option that leaves for your marriage?? I wouldn't call the wife of the guy. Why do you want to hurt that woman and that child??

I agree. It was wrong of her to do, but this might explain her reasons.

My husband has gained a lot of weight since we married too (as have I) and I am still physically attracted to him. It's HIM I'm attracted to, not a photo of a perfect body. His skin, his touch, his warmth...and other things...are the same.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I wouldn't find my spouse attractive if she gained alot of weight. I'm sure I will be flamed, but MOST guys feel this way. We signed on with the woman we married, if a cow comes to pasture....it just isn't a good thing and the marriage will suffer.

Guess what? People change. Forget it...I'm not going to further converse with someone who relates women to cows.

 

[RSoxFan]

Time for HonestAbe to give all of you fools a dose of what you all need. A smackdown.

To the original guy in this thread - you need to friggin Man UP and work on your relationship. Your wife started messing around on the internet for what reason?? hmmm.....let me see....YOU are on the INTERNET telling complete strangers that she's messing around on the internet. Are you fool enough to believe that you have arent culpable as well? TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW - GO TURN OFF YOUR WIFES COMPUTER RIGHT NOW - EMBRACE HER AND TELL HER YOU LOVE HER. Started acting like it and quit playing the cowardly victim. Nobody ever said marriage was always easy. It can be hard sometimes but if you want to succeed IT TAKES WORK.

We live in a society where we care so much about what we look like that we dont care about anything but the superficial. That's why we keep wandering as individuals from toy to toy, person to person, diet to diet...etc...

1) You cannot win the fight against time. People's weights will change, their body parts will sag, they'll have to use the bathroom more, they'll start smelling like old people.

2) When you marry someone quit acting like it's a trivial matter. It's a lifelong commitment even AFTER you get divorced. If my wife and I ever split (God forbid because I LOVE my wife unlike some of you superficial ppl out there) and we have no kids I am still committed in a fashion because now I have the unfortunate claim of being a divorcee.

3) For some of you to make stereotypical remarks about women becoming cows/pastures and that's why your man leaves....I would love to have a physical altercation with you to teach you a)what being a man is about and b) defend my wifes honor.

You have insulted me and other men like me who Love their wife for who they are and have the maturity to understand not only what the definition of committment is, but are willing to practice it.

And for the women who are saying some of the same things...you make me sick too.

WHERE THE HECK DID SOME OF YOU LEARN TO BE LIKE THIS??? SHOULD WE BE SMACKING YOUR MOTHERS????

I am not devout but I PRAY for your souls.

Can we clone you? Or can you tell me where guys like you hang out?

 

[Tuffcookie]

Dear OP,



Marriage is work! It is easy, when things get rough, to go to the internet.

As for your DW's weight gain, if she's had kids IT HAPPENS! Just wait till she hits menopause...But that's another story!

Do you have a church you attend? Maybe finding one and going to counseling thru it would not cost you anything.

Another suggestion would be to have a weekly "date night".

Best wishes,

TC

 

[Liberty Belle]

hold the phone, my dbf is bald....shaves every day, sometimes twice a day just to make sure the head is smooth...........i love my bald man...

Brandy

And many men prefer heavy women.

 

[momof3littlelilos]

First off, I'm sorry for the pain you're going through right now
You might want to look into the marriagebuliders website...which I don't think is "great"...there are parts of it that are really old school sexist, but there's some helpful stuff. That and "Dr" Phil, who I also have issues with, but parts of his relationship rescue program were helpful.
As far as your wife's weight gain? Being pregnant and having babies does that. It's how the female human body works. Just wait, soon you'll both start aging, sagging, getting wrinkley. It's life. Get used to it.
As far as guys just being like that, and it being so sad that they're stuck with fat wives???? No, guys aren't all shallow and "like that", there are mature men out there who love their wives despite the fact that they're human and prone to aging and stuff. DH actually undermines my motivation to work out with his level of adoration

 

[EltonJohn]

Ding, Ding, Ding Winner!

If a man cheats it's his fault, if a woman cheats it's his fault. Typical DIS banter!

Don't forget to give our winner his prize!

 

[lisaviolet]

I wouldn't find my spouse attractive if she gained alot of weight. I'm sure I will be flamed, but MOST guys feel this way. We signed on with the woman we married, if a cow comes to pasture....it just isn't a good thing and the marriage will suffer.

Oh boy Stella3. You honestly gave me the laugh of the day. Don't know if you're married or dating but what a catch you are!!! That's not flames; that's straight empathy both for you (you - honestly b/c I think you're missing on some wonderful parts of relationships) and those who are your recepients of these thoughts.

I know men are visual and attraction is extremely important. But attraction, IMO, has to be about so many different facets of a person.

_________________________________________________________

OP, I'm sorry.

I'm wondering even though you said attraction has waned - is it possible that it wasn't there in the beginning in a "good for marriage" way? I'm sort of getting that vibe from your writing. Since it's so early and you're a young couple.

Well, I guess since you're already married it doesn't really matter. But I think divorce is awful and everything under the sun should be tried. However, I do feel empathy for those who don't have attraction and especially for the lives of people who can "feel" that their loved ones don't find them attractive. Not a blame game. Just sadness. I honestly, and this is dramatic I know, think it's soul taking.

I really respected the fact that you are sensitive enough to know not say things in a certain way to your wife. My sister was told my her partner, father of her child, on multiple occasions that she wasn't his, and never was, body ideal. I was livid. And I said to her "my God be with someone who thinks you are the be all and end all of this world". And vice versa. It doesn't mean you are folks ; but the most important person thinks you are. I wouldn't settle for anything less. So when marriage gets really tough, as it will at times, that's something to find strength in.

And I would say this to a woman too. Anger and sadness and soul searching are necessary of course. But people are not perfect.

All the best to you,

Lisa

 

[HonestAbe]

Can we clone you? Or can you tell me where guys like you hang out?

As my loving wife would say I am one of a kind!

 

[simpilotswife]

pretty odd the different posts on a thread a man posts about his wife cheating.

A woman posts that her husband is cheating- and boom everyone is all about cleaning him out, get a lawyer, making sure her and the kids are taken care of, lawyer up, read your laws in your state, etc. etc.

A man posts, and everyone jumps to work it out, go make love, look beyond her cheating etc...

Isn't that odd to anyone other than me?

Brandy

Nope. I commented on it earlier.

 

[bumbershoot]

It is *amazing* how many of you guys think that love and attraction are absolutely one and the same. It's really weird!

There's love, and there's attraction. They aren't the same. At least not to me. Seems actually quite shallow to put them together, to say that just b/c the guy isn't AS attracted as he once was means that he doesn't love her the same. Shallow! And he never said he didn't love her as much, just that he wasn't as attracted. Shallow of you guys.




HonestAbe, since I had a post discussing weight, my husband, and me, I assume you're praying for me. Please stop. I don't like it when people pray "for" me. There's nothing wrong with me that needs praying for.

Hubby and I had a convo after I posted, and he's with me on the whole thing.

He's actually quite happy that I finally told him that he had gained so much weight..he knows that he would have gone over his highest weight and continued on if I hadn't said it.

The amount he was lying to himself about...he has lost 40 pounds. The clothes he was wearing then are STILL tight on him. He REFUSED to tell me how tight his clothes were. In fact ever since weight lost the "don't ask don't tell" quality in our house, he has been able to open up more, and we've gotten him new, bigger clothes that make him feel good about himself, instead of ashamed.

We still get sad thinking about the day I told him, but if I hadn't he would be probably 400 lbs now (wedding weight was 280 and he was very attractive to me...when I talked to him he was 340, his highest remains 350... he was actively gaining when he was at 340) and that's just never going to be a healthy weight for anyone.

And no he doesn't have a problem with me listing his weights online.

My problem with this guy, is he changed his name like he had something to hid, WAIT he did he said his wife was fat and unattractive. To me this guy didn't sound like he cared one way or another JMO

There was a recent female posting that her husband had cheated, and she posted under a pseudonym, too. It's pretty common!

It's also a reason people don't talk to their friends, b/c friends tell you to hit the road, and if you work things through, the friends you talked to NEVER treat the spouse the same again.

He posted like he wants to stay. Now why he wants to stay is beyond me. He states his wife has gained weight and he is not attracted to her anymore etc. So, does he want to help her lose weight maybe or just stay in a loveless marriage or maybe even learn to love her even though she's put on some weight?

Once again, a poster confusing attraction with love.

I find the reactions to both threads odd as well Brandy. Of course I also find it odd that one would post something this personal on a public message board. There are a lot of bad people out there on the net.

Internet people helped to save DH and my relationship, before we were married. I'd go to just about any message board to talk about relationship stuff before I'd go to my friends, b/c friends aren't objective.

My husband has gained a lot of weight since we married too (as have I) and I am still physically attracted to him. It's HIM I'm attracted to, not a photo of a perfect body. His skin, his touch, his warmth...and other things...are the same.

Now see there, my experience is different.

I know that when I'm heavier than I want to be, I'm NOT the same. I am more tentative, I don't want DH to touch me b/c the touch reminds me of the extra fat.

And when DH is heavier, he is embarrassed, he is weird about touching (his own issues from his past cause him to feel worthy of NOTHING, not even clothes that fit, when he's bigger, thank you MIL for that), and his whole being is different.

My hubby isn't the same person when he's heavier than he wants to be (and as you can see, I'm not talking 20 lbs, I'm talking 60 from not even 5 years ago, when he was already 100 lbs over what Weight Watchers says he should be). And neither am I.





Now maybe all of you are vastly different, maybe hubby and I are unique. Well, that just goes to show that you all shouldn't be giving this guy advice! If you can't relate to losing some attraction while continuing to LOVE, then back off. You don't understand, so you can't give advice.

 

[SHAYMARAYSMOM]

To the op,
It is sad that this happened. It is sadder that you thought posting this on the DIS was a good idea.
You need to talk to you wife and work this out. I am one that believes in for sickness and health till death do us part. But if you are not happy then you need to work this out with your wife. If she turned to someone else then she is not happy it may or may not have something to do with you.
You say that you have a child the worst thing you can do is stay married for the child. Kids are not dumb. the child will grow up in a home with not enough love and think this is okay.
I am not saying you need to end your marriage only you and your wife can answer that.
I wish you both luck and hope for the child involed you do what is right

 

[PaulaSB12]

pretty odd the different posts on a thread a man posts about his wife cheating.

A woman posts that her husband is cheating- and boom everyone is all about cleaning him out, get a lawyer, making sure her and the kids are taken care of, lawyer up, read your laws in your state, etc. etc.

A man posts, and everyone jumps to work it out, go make love, look beyond her cheating etc...

Isn't that odd to anyone other than me?

Brandy

No its what I find really irritating about my own sex, that and the fact that so many of them have fallen hook line and sinker for the stupid ads and tv shows where everyone has amazing sex, their oh's are their soul mates and love never changes and men can give up their careers because it doesn't fall in with what their partner wants, too much time at work what ever .

 

[stahshee]

:

Here's to hoping you never go bald!

omg lmao

 

[DVC Sadie]

It is *amazing* how many of you guys think that love and attraction are absolutely one and the same. It's really weird!

There's love, and there's attraction. They aren't the same. At least not to me. Seems actually quite shallow to put them together, to say that just b/c the guy isn't AS attracted as he once was means that he doesn't love her the same. Shallow! And he never said he didn't love her as much, just that he wasn't as attracted. Shallow of you guys.




HonestAbe, since I had a post discussing weight, my husband, and me, I assume you're praying for me. Please stop. I don't like it when people pray "for" me. There's nothing wrong with me that needs praying for.

Hubby and I had a convo after I posted, and he's with me on the whole thing.

He's actually quite happy that I finally told him that he had gained so much weight..he knows that he would have gone over his highest weight and continued on if I hadn't said it.

The amount he was lying to himself about...he has lost 40 pounds. The clothes he was wearing then are STILL tight on him. He REFUSED to tell me how tight his clothes were. In fact ever since weight lost the "don't ask don't tell" quality in our house, he has been able to open up more, and we've gotten him new, bigger clothes that make him feel good about himself, instead of ashamed.

We still get sad thinking about the day I told him, but if I hadn't he would be probably 400 lbs now (wedding weight was 280 and he was very attractive to me...when I talked to him he was 340, his highest remains 350... he was actively gaining when he was at 340) and that's just never going to be a healthy weight for anyone.

And no he doesn't have a problem with me listing his weights online.



There was a recent female posting that her husband had cheated, and she posted under a pseudonym, too. It's pretty common!

It's also a reason people don't talk to their friends, b/c friends tell you to hit the road, and if you work things through, the friends you talked to NEVER treat the spouse the same again.



Once again, a poster confusing attraction with love.



Internet people helped to save DH and my relationship, before we were married. I'd go to just about any message board to talk about relationship stuff before I'd go to my friends, b/c friends aren't objective.



Now see there, my experience is different.

I know that when I'm heavier than I want to be, I'm NOT the same. I am more tentative, I don't want DH to touch me b/c the touch reminds me of the extra fat.

And when DH is heavier, he is embarrassed, he is weird about touching (his own issues from his past cause him to feel worthy of NOTHING, not even clothes that fit, when he's bigger, thank you MIL for that), and his whole being is different.

My hubby isn't the same person when he's heavier than he wants to be (and as you can see, I'm not talking 20 lbs, I'm talking 60 from not even 5 years ago, when he was already 100 lbs over what Weight Watchers says he should be). And neither am I.





Now maybe all of you are vastly different, maybe hubby and I are unique. Well, that just goes to show that you all shouldn't be giving this guy advice! If you can't relate to losing some attraction while continuing to LOVE, then back off. You don't understand, so you can't give advice.

No, you are not unique but you are honest and that is what saved your marriage. Please do not ever try to justify your actions/feelings on this board because you will be deemed a villian.

I choose to see you as a realist who chooses to communicate with your spouse instead of laying blame.

 

[Buckalew11]

Actually, Bumbershoot, I am not confusing the two. I believe the OP is. He is the one that brought up that he has no attraction for his wife. I'm just suggesting he decide if he still loves her even though he is not attracted to her or not. Sometimes people can lose both, sometimes just one. If you really love the person, you can work on the attraction part.
I'm not so thrilled with your confusion.

 

[bumbershoot]

I'm sorry you're not thrilled by my post. Perhaps if I show you the thought process it would help clear the air.

You wrote "He posted like he wants to stay. Now why he wants to stay is beyond me. He states his wife has gained weight and he is not attracted to her anymore etc. So, does he want to help her lose weight maybe or just stay in a loveless marriage or maybe even learn to love her even though she's put on some weight?"

He wrote:

"I fully expect that we'll move beyond the infidelity before too long."

"I'm not interested in leaving her"

"I don't feel as hurt or angry as I thought I'd be, and I believe her"

and even "I know what it's like to be on the other side of the fence."

Nowhere in there does he say that he is not in love, or that he doesn't love her.

And all he says about the attraction issue is

"my attraction to her has waned somewhat"

"I would never tell her that, because it would hurt her"


He has said nothing that would indicate that he wants to leave, and he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. You say you don't know why he wants to stay, when ALL he has said is that the attraction has waned *somewhat*. It's that that makes me wonder if people think all a marriage is is attraction.



I do know people like that; they are dating but ONLY go by "chemistry" at the beginning, and the beginning is all they give the person. No "chemistry", no second or third date. They could be looking across the table at a person who would be perfect for them in every way, but because they feel no "chemistry" on that first (and sometimes second) date, they drop them. I used that thought process when I was dating my yummy-smelling ex-boyfriends who broke my heart a million times, but I moved beyond that when I got serious about finding a life partner.




Oh, OP while re-reading your first post (again), I remembered that I once (with an EX boyfriend! not with DH) had the "I wasn't as hurt by it as I thought I would be" feeling. But after a few days of being desperate and trying to see if we could get our relationship back on track, I got mad. That ex didn't have an affair, but he "tried" to (ah, gin and tonics), and confessed within 12 hours. Like I said, at first I wanted to move on, with him, and not think about it, but soon that wasn't possible. Watch out for possible surprising strong emotions!



DVC Sadie, thanks!

 

[WonderfulDreamer2]

I suppose I'm one of the few who, no matter what the changes in my spouse, I find him attractive. In the 10 years we've been together, we have both seen weight gain and weight loss. We have both been there for each other during sickness, loss of work, family emergencies, etc. With each passing day, my love AND attraction for him grows stronger because I love HIM! No matter what. I can't imagine a physical or emotional problem that would make my love nor attraction for him diminish. I love every part of him, including heart and soul and he reminds me daily of his love for me.
OP, I wouldn't begin to know what to tell you. It does seem, according to your post, that there is little emotion (good or bad) left. Marriage does take lots of work as others have pointed out. I learned that the hard way in marriage number 1. But I've also discovered that even though I was married before, I never had a husband until I met DH. Sometimes he leads, sometimes he follows but most of the time, we are on this journey of life side by side, leaning and supporting each other all the way. I can't imagine it any other way.
I hope you both find what is missing for both of you. It is a sad existance of a marriage any other way.

 

[Cantw8]

I suppose I'm one of the few who, no matter what the changes in my spouse, I find him attractive. In the 10 years we've been together, we have both seen weight gain and weight loss. We have both been there for each other during sickness, loss of work, family emergencies, etc. With each passing day, my love AND attraction for him grows stronger because I love HIM! No matter what. I can't imagine a physical or emotional problem that would make my love nor attraction for him diminish. I love every part of him, including heart and soul and he reminds me daily of his love for me.
OP, I wouldn't begin to know what to tell you. It does seem, according to your post, that there is little emotion (good or bad) left. Marriage does take lots of work as others have pointed out. I learned that the hard way in marriage number 1. But I've also discovered that even though I was married before, I never had a husband until I met DH. Sometimes he leads, sometimes he follows but most of the time, we are on this journey of life side by side, leaning and supporting each other all the way. I can't imagine it any other way.
I hope you both find what is missing for both of you. It is a sad existance of a marriage any other way.

You Ho...I thought I was your one and only That's what you told me in our super secret pm/s that no one else can read