I discovered my wife was having an affair today

[lisaviolet]

I suppose I'm one of the few who, no matter what the changes in my spouse, I find him attractive. In the 10 years we've been together, we have both seen weight gain and weight loss. We have both been there for each other during sickness, loss of work, family emergencies, etc. With each passing day, my love AND attraction for him grows stronger because I love HIM! No matter what. I can't imagine a physical or emotional problem that would make my love nor attraction for him diminish. I love every part of him, including heart and soul and he reminds me daily of his love for me.
OP, I wouldn't begin to know what to tell you. It does seem, according to your post, that there is little emotion (good or bad) left. Marriage does take lots of work as others have pointed out. I learned that the hard way in marriage number 1. But I've also discovered that even though I was married before, I never had a husband until I met DH. Sometimes he leads, sometimes he follows but most of the time, we are on this journey of life side by side, leaning and supporting each other all the way. I can't imagine it any other way.
I hope you both find what is missing for both of you. It is a sad existance of a marriage any other way.

That's lovely. So incredibly lovely.

Eerie moment, in a cute way. I downloaded "The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face", sitting here DISing waiting for it to load, and it started playing half way through your post. I sound like a nutso. Oh well!!!

Congratulations to you. Nice.

 

[slo]

I wouldn't find my spouse attractive if she gained alot of weight. I'm sure I will be flamed, but MOST guys feel this way. We signed on with the woman we married, if a cow comes to pasture....it just isn't a good thing and the marriage will suffer.

Reading this post, makes me so grateful for my marriage, and for my DH. We have been together for 20 years, and 13 of those years have been in marriage. We have seen so many changes in both of us (physically) and we have always been supportive and loving towards each other. My DH now is overweight, and he has a diagnosed thryoid problem that the doctors are trying to regulate. Never once have I not been attracted to him because of his weight. I love him for who he is as a person, and the physical is just secondary.

I can confidently say he feels the same way about me. He has seen my weight go up and down several times, and he has always looked at me like I am super hot - God Bless him!!! Even when I am feeling down on myself for some extra weight I'm carrying, he's right there to tell me that I look great

So please don't say most guys feel that way, because it's not true I don't belive it's right to put words in peoples mouths, just to make yourself feel less guilty for feeling such a negative way.

 

[LuvMickey36]

I agree with a pp about calling the other man. Let him know you know & to lay off. I went thru this same thing about 6yrs ago with my dh. Nothing physical, but all emotional. It came on very quick & was intense. When I found out I confronted him & called her. Basically told her I knew & to quit calling, emailing, etc. The cell phone was in my name & I told her if she continued I would file a harrasment report with our local pd. When she protested I then told her I had contacted an attorney & could sue her for alienation of affection if she did not go away. She went away.

As for dh it was a long hard road of talking & feelings & stuff. We have worked thru it, but it took awhile. I will say that for about 1.5-2yrs. after I was distrustful of him. If he was unavailable by phone, got home late, etc. I was sure he was being dishonest. That was my stuff to work thru & I finally did.

As for the weight, I have gained some in the last few yrs. I am not proud of it ,but am working on it. I know that he may not be as attracted as he used to be, but he will never say it or love me any less for it. He has also gained almost as much as me. He is lucky enough to carry the weight so much better than me so he doesn't look nearly as big as I do.

OP you need to think long & hard about why you want to stay married. From your post, it sounds like it is easier to stay in an unhappy marriage than to do something about it. Good Luck!

 

[RLccweems]

 

[douglisa]

hold the phone, my dbf is bald....shaves every day, sometimes twice a day just to make sure the head is smooth...........i love my bald man...

Brandy

Dh says it's a solar pannel for a love machine.

 

[douglisa]

Time for HonestAbe to give all of you fools a dose of what you all need. A smackdown.

To the original guy in this thread - you need to friggin Man UP and work on your relationship. Your wife started messing around on the internet for what reason?? hmmm.....let me see....YOU are on the INTERNET telling complete strangers that she's messing around on the internet. Are you fool enough to believe that you have arent culpable as well? TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW - GO TURN OFF YOUR WIFES COMPUTER RIGHT NOW - EMBRACE HER AND TELL HER YOU LOVE HER. Started acting like it and quit playing the cowardly victim. Nobody ever said marriage was always easy. It can be hard sometimes but if you want to succeed IT TAKES WORK.

We live in a society where we care so much about what we look like that we dont care about anything but the superficial. That's why we keep wandering as individuals from toy to toy, person to person, diet to diet...etc...

1) You cannot win the fight against time. People's weights will change, their body parts will sag, they'll have to use the bathroom more, they'll start smelling like old people.

2) When you marry someone quit acting like it's a trivial matter. It's a lifelong commitment even AFTER you get divorced. If my wife and I ever split (God forbid because I LOVE my wife unlike some of you superficial ppl out there) and we have no kids I am still committed in a fashion because now I have the unfortunate claim of being a divorcee.

3) For some of you to make stereotypical remarks about women becoming cows/pastures and that's why your man leaves....I would love to have a physical altercation with you to teach you a)what being a man is about and b) defend my wifes honor.

You have insulted me and other men like me who Love their wife for who they are and have the maturity to understand not only what the definition of committment is, but are willing to practice it.

And for the women who are saying some of the same things...you make me sick too.

WHERE THE HECK DID SOME OF YOU LEARN TO BE LIKE THIS??? SHOULD WE BE SMACKING YOUR MOTHERS????

I am not devout but I PRAY for your souls.

When I first started reading your post I though "Oh man, probably some jerk..."
But here ya go! Thumbs up to you! Wish there were more men like you.

 

[douglisa]

pretty odd the different posts on a thread a man posts about his wife cheating.

A woman posts that her husband is cheating- and boom everyone is all about cleaning him out, get a lawyer, making sure her and the kids are taken care of, lawyer up, read your laws in your state, etc. etc.

A man posts, and everyone jumps to work it out, go make love, look beyond her cheating etc...

Isn't that odd to anyone other than me?

Brandy

In another post very similar like this I told the woman to warn her husband of all he has to loose, everything. I did not tell her to leave him but to warn him. And she wrote me to say it was sound.
This one I told him different because to me it sounds like Op and wifey kinda lost each other. Sometimes we do that. We take one another for granted, forget why we married, sometimes not only do we loose each other we loose ourselves too. Kids, bills, mortgage, work. When we take someone into our lives then add kids it changes us. It is tiring and if we are not careful it can wear us and our unions down. Sometimes reconnection seems to be the shot in the arm needed.

 

[KikiFan]

I wouldn't find my spouse attractive if she gained alot of weight. I'm sure I will be flamed, but MOST guys feel this way. We signed on with the woman we married, if a cow comes to pasture....it just isn't a good thing and the marriage will suffer.

Well that's pretty shallow...... and pathetic.

 

[douglisa]

Well that's pretty shallow...... and pathetic.

Although I do not like or agree w/ her opinion I still respect it. What you said is mean and unnecessary.

 

[JessicaR]

Although I do not like or agree w/ her opinion I still respect it. What you said is mean and unnecessary.

Did you read the post? Its a he not a she and he related women to cows. Talk about mean and unnecessary. You can respect that all you like but I agree with KikiFan.

 

[douglisa]

Sorry, I thought she was talking about Stella. Duhh, boy do I feel sorry!
I am sorry Kiki, please accept my apology.

 

[KikiFan]

Although I do not like or agree w/ her opinion I still respect it. What you said is mean and unnecessary.

Stella3 equated women with cows - whose worth is based on their weight. What part of that isn't shallow or pathetic?

Sorry, I thought she was talking about Stella. Duhh, boy do I feel sorry!
I am sorry Kiki, please accept my apology.

I was talking to Stella3. They're the ones making comments equating women and cows.

 

[disneymom3]

I don't mean to offend, but that is really how most guys feel. It is really depressing to see all of my friends with wives that have gained 50+ pounds. Most of them are cheating now. I'm just telling it like it is.

Dude you need new friends. You don't marry a person's physical attributes. What if they are in a disfiguring car accident? That it then? You walk? What if they, like me, get MS and excercise becomes something that physically can be practically impossible? See ya?

Here's to hoping you never go bald!

Amen to that!

OP, I am glad you found out about this going on with your wife now before it did go any further. I am also glad your wife is safe as she was being really naive IMO. I agree with the alone time--I even think that if you spend more time focusing on your emotional relationship, you will come back to feeling attracted to her. For the record, I would tell the same thing to a woman.

 

[douglisa]

Stella3 equated women with cows - whose worth is based on their weight. What part of that isn't shallow or pathetic?



I was talking to Stella3. They're the ones making comments equating women and cows.

Once again, stupid of me. I thought it was bumbershoots, I had the wrong name. Again, please forgive me. For some reason I thought that was her screen name. Seriously, will you forgive me? I feel awful. His comments were rude, although I would never say anything to him to try to keep things pleasant I just ignored it not to feed it. Lately when I see others saying mean things I have been trying to make an effort to help the under dog.
I need to take a moment to pry both my feet out of my mouth now.
Much respect to you KikiFan

 

[Mr Man]

Stella..........STELLA!!!!!! STELLAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! (are you really a dood?)

In respectful memory of Tennessee Williams........

 

[douglisa]

 

[themilesfamily]

We've a relatively young couple, but my attraction to her has waned somewhat, which is partially due to familiarity I guess, but only partially. She has gained quite a bit of weight, and has made no effort to change that.

I have two questions:

1) About you being less attracted to her, due to familiarity. What did you expect when you got married? A life-long commitment comes with *surprise* a rather intense amount of familiarity. If familiarity is causing you to be less attracted to her, then YOU (yes YOU) have a responsibility as her husband to find ways to make your relationship fresh, exciting, and new. If familiarity is a problem for you, you will never be successful in a marriage to ANYONE.

2) As for her gaining weight making you less attracted to her. Guess what? ALL of us, in the end -- you included -- are going to end up saggy, wrinkled and liver-spotted. That is the way life works. When you sign on to a life-long commitment -- which marriage is supposed to be -- both you and your partner will not stay 20-something mean, lean fightin' machines forever. Get past the shallowness and learn to love your wife for more than her appearance.

I personally feel sorry for your wife that she feels she has to go online to find sexual and emotional gratification.

 

[douglisa]

I just noticed something...I am so observant, I don't think Op is even reading this anymore. He has not replied since page 3 I believe.

 

[Mr Man]

I just noticed something...I am so observant, I don't think Op is even reading this anymore. He has not replied since page 3 I believe.

Hush now.......

I was gonna post a picture from "How Stella got her Groove Back" next.......

 

[Purrrrfecta]

I understand what you are saying. You do not feel attracted to her anymore because of her weight. You also say you do not know what the other reasons are for your not feeling attracted to her.

Let me first start by asking you to ask yourself a couple of questions:

1) How do you feel about yourself?

2) Do you feel that you are an attractive guy? When you look in the mirror do you like what you see?

3) Do you feel like you would see pretty girls and always wish that could be you on the other side of them?

4) Do you feel like you have missed out on the "best" girl, or do you feel that having a woman who looks good makes you look good?

Usually when guys feel this way about themselves they base relationships on the superficial side of life. Often times they felt like the "ugly duckling" in life, and they find ways to compensate for that by either fixing themselves up or trying to find a partner who can make them look good. Unfortunately what happens is that when that partner does not hold up their end of the bargan (mind you the partner has no idea of the bargan) the relationship starts to decline.

Try to reflect why you cheated in the first relationship. Where the reasons similar? Did you lose interest in her? Where you always looking for something more?

You really need to go to counseling so you can work this out. It will be worth it if you do.