I can't stop crying... Update p. 12-question

[ziggystardust]

ok here's my story.

I just went thru a breakup - 6 years together. He dumped me b/c he wasn't happy with himself. Once I got thru all the tears I realized that why should I be with someone who doesn't want me. I'm better off and I know that.

My sister went thru something similar to you. She was engaged, wedding was planned, she was dating her fiance for 11 YEARS!!! living together for the majority of them. He couldn't go thru with it. She realizes now that it was the best thing that could have ever happened to her. She would never have called off that relationship but shes now (only 1 yr later) so happy that he did. She's young and enjoying life to the fullest. She now knows what the best thing is for her heart, and it wasn't him. Luckily it was before the vows.

You will realize that this is the best thing. You will get over him. He basically said that he wants to be with this other girl. Be mad at him for that. DOn't want to be back with him. Get angry, it might make the other things easier.

 

[poohandwendy]

Oh Meg,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know you want a miracle that holds you together, but this really may be your miracle... a man who is showing you his true colors before you make the mistake of marrying him and starting a family with someone who is really not committed to you.

Please accept in your heart that he is trying to let you down easy (as cruel and spineless as it is, that is what he is doing...trying to break your relationship off in a relatively civil way).

Seriously, healthy relationships before marriage do need 'trying really hard to keep it together" and hoping for a miracle.

I hate that this is happening to you, but I think you need to face the fact that he is not the one for you.

And trust me...unfair, this is not. Unfortunate, yes. Unfair is someone marrying you with reservations they never reveal. He is putting the writing on the wall for you. I know you don't want to accept it, but you really need to for your own sake.

{{{HUGS}}} You will get through this and you will have a healthy relationship with the commitment you deserve. It just sounds like that is going to be another person and another time.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I guess this is not going to be a poplular reasoning but here goes.

Everyone keeps saying what a jerk he is and so on. I don't think that's the case. I think that he was unhappy, you knew this to be so also. I highly doubt you were overjoyed if you knew for at least a year that he was unhappy whether he wanted to talk about it or not. I think he met someone who he maybe had more in common with etc. I don't think it's all about the newness of it all. Life is not a state fair everyday, but it shouldn't be work when you are dating. If it is then you are simply not the right people for each other. Maybe he just figured it out for himself when he met another girl that peaked his interest. Who knows? Alot of people date for a very long time and figure that marriage is just the next step so that's what they do. They don't really want to get married but figure since they've been together for x amount of years then that's what they should do. Families start to expect an announcement etc. I also don't think he is thinking with his other set of brains either. I just think that you two aren't the right people for each other. There is nothing wrong with that. That is why you date, so hopefully you will find out before the wedidng if he is indeed Mr. Right. Good luck. I know it is hard now but you will look back one day and know it was for the best.

 

[PhotobearSam]

You so do not deserve this and I am sorry that you have to go through this.

He's gone. He has someone else in his mind but that stinks. he is obviously not MAN enough to leave you because he wants you to make it easy on him.

He has the grass is greener on the other side mentality and it's better you find out now than once you are married. You deserve someone who will worship you. this is not the one...


So sorry.

 

[N&B'smom]

As hard as it is, I don't think I'd wait around for him to decide the future of your relationship. If I found out there was someone else I would end it myself, not drag things out and make them harder.

I hope things are resolved soon because I'm sure right now you feel like you're in limbo waiting to see what happens. That can't be an easy thing. Chin up. Try to get it together a bit, I agree looking desperate isn't going to help things.

Hope you guys figure things out soon!

Shelby

 

[robinb]

No advise. Just {{hugs}}.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

After reading through this, I agree with almost everyone. I wouild also advise you to be proactive if you don't want to move. When he gets home today say "honey, you are right, it just isn't working out. I'm sure you agree that it will only be more uncomfortable if we live in the same apartment, especially with your new girlfriend coming over. Here, I've circled some apartments in the paper that I think would work nicely for you. Do you need me to round up some people to help you move out?" You take the bull by the horns about that issue instead of letting him call the shots.
Robin M.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

First ....

Second, set yourself free....

I am so sorry...

 

[daisax]

I'm sorry because you're in pain, but please believe the women (and guys) in this forum ... it's an old story, because there's not much new under the sun. Your pain is fresh and very real, but in the context of the Rest of Your Life, this will probably end up being something you're grateful for in the long run.

Please, please don't ever let anybody convince you that you have to AUDITION for a role in your own life. That's just him playing games -- you deserve so much better.

And he will probably come back at least one more time before leaving for good. Not psychic, just have watched this unfold many, many times over the years.

Think of yourself as a very old, wise woman, decades from now. What's the life story you want to tell? Be the heroine of your own life and watch out for it -- don't turn it over to anybody to toy with.

 

[mking624]

Started reading and was going to respond but I'm glad I waited until I read your update. Honey..if you were my daughter first thing I would do is give you a huge hug, second thing I would do is tell you to pack up your stuff and move back home cause he is already gone and looking at someone else.

He sounds a bit immature to me. He wants to have fun, he wants that "iI just met someone and I am just waiting till I can see her again" moments...but that stuff wears off and then he'll be looking for that feeling again. I'm hitting 22 years of marriage and while I still look forward to seeing him, there are times when he drives me totally bonkers. There are days when we don't talk because of work schedules. My husband didn't marry me because I'd be an awesome Mom and wife. (but I am both because of him), he married me because he loves me and I am an awesome person that he wanted to be with no matter what (and same for me, I didn't marry him cause he would be an awesome dad and would make a good husband). Do we have "fun" everyday? Nope, life isn't always fun. BUT I know he will be by my side no matter what and he is the one person in my life that I can count on 100% to be there for me.

I do think you need to determine how much you think he is worth to you. Do you want to be with someone that has met someone that he is haveing fun with and is going through the motions with you until she comes back? OR do you want someone that will be with YOU, regardless, no matter what?

What an awesome post!!!

I've been married almost 7 years, so I'm not some marriage expert. But it's stupid for someone to think that those "butterfly" feelings will always be there. Guess what? You have to WORK at it. Imagine that. So this guy thinks that she makes me realize what's missing? Ok, have him try to think that one over once he's been with her for some time. Or will he by then have someone else who makes him realize that too? This guy has some major growing up to do.

 

[ericamanda01]

Big, Giant, Hugs to you! I think most of us have been where you are, heartbreak sucks. But DO NOT let him have this much power! Dump him! No waiting a week. I know you love him and want to be with him. But trust me would you really want to be with someone who could be so cold as to ask you to see if you two have a shot while this girl is gone on spring break? No, you deserve SOOOO much more. Start looking for a new place and start your life without him. Now I know that it's easier said than done but trust me you will be happier in the end. You sound like you really like where you are living, in VA, then stay there. Or Hey think of it this way, you have nothing holding you back, why not look at moving anywhere you want! This could be a wonderful new begining for you. I hope your feeling better.

 

[LJC1861]

A very wise pastor once shared this with me. It doesn't make the situation any easier but it may be of some comfort.

"The Headache and the Brain Tumor"

Any problem a couple faces before getting married can be compared to a headache.

Any problem that couple faces after getting married can be compared to a brain tumor.

It takes much more surgery to cure a brain tumor than it does a headache.

Handling any problem before getting married will be much easier solved than if you wait until afterward.

So, finding out that your future spouse is not happy better to know and be ablt to deal with the situation before getting married.

I know......I was in your shoes once.

Hang in there, it will work itself out the way it is supposed to.

Linda

 

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

Just know that you are young and smart and beautiful. Easy to say but everything happens for a reason. I have no doubt that you will be okay in the long run. Hang in there sweetie.

 

[Crankyshank]

I know you're probably really wishing we would offer this amazing insight that tells you he's going to feel the spark and forget about the other girl and you'll wind up living happily ever after. I'm sorry that's not the case here.

If you had a friend that came up to you and said that her boyfriend, who she all ready once took back after he decided he wasn't ready for a commitment, told her that he only proposed because he wanted to please his mom and gave her a week to get the spark back in the relationship because the girl he's interested in will be back from spring break, what would you say to her?

I know it's hard and you want to stay with him because it's easy and comfortable, but like so many others have said on this thread he's all ready left the relationship. He's just trying to do it without conflict or making himself look like the bad guy. Do you really want to fight for someone that is all ready set to move on to someone else for the cheap "butterflies" feeling that doesn't last? Especially since he's pulled this on you once before?

 

[goofy4tink]

I have to agree with Nancy's post. She's right on the money. So, I'm going to be 'mom' for a bit now.....been there, done that, gone through it, made it through to the other side. You will cry constantly for awhile, perhaps a week or two. You won't sleep much...all that crying keeps you up. But, then, normalcy creeps up on ya. You hit the two week mark, and it isn't quite as bad as it was. You aren't crying quite as much. You aren't driving your friends nuts all the time looking for advice and crying on their shoulders. Then, it's three weeks...you're sleeping all night. Sure, you still cry once and awhile but it's not nearly as much.
So....it will get better. I promise. I can still remember being curled up in that fetal position, just knowing that life as I knew it was ended. But, that was not the case.
Either you move or have him move....you start it in motion. You will feel like you still have some power this way. Do not allow him to make all the 'final' moves. Take, and keep, some power for yourself.
Then, get active again. Go out with friends, even if your hear isn't in it. You need to be out and doing. That whole 'door closing, window opening' is true. It truly is.
Here's for you. Hang in there, it will get better. 'mom' is done now.

 

[mytwotinks]

I'll be Dr. Phil for a second...........

He's telling you what kind of guy he is. After you get married he will still be the same guy.

Picture yourself with 2 small children and him walking in the door and saying that he has met someone who makes him feel happy and you have one week to prove to him that you can be as much fun as this other woman. At some point that other woman is going to be much younger and cuter than you (it happens to the best of us!), she won't have any of the "not fun" stuff to take care of (laundry, dishes, diapers, runny noses) and has 24/7 to devote to "making him happy."

Think fo what kind of home you are going to need for you and your kids. What kind of money you will need to come up with to feed them and clothe them and buy them Christmas and Birthday gifts. When a girl is young, these all sound like things that will never happen to her. Just read the boards and you will find many women who are dealing with the real fear of "what do I do?" because someone they thought they loved decided to turn their life upside down.

I think that every woman here knows that the pain you feel is 100% real. It doesn't matter to you that someday this won't seem like that big of a deal. I just want to say that getting married and being with the one we love is sometimes such a huge want that we blind ourselves to reality and turn our boyfriends into "the one" no matter what. It is a big bummer that you don't get to plan a wedding, but at least you won't be planning a divorce in a couple of years!

 

[mytwotinks]

one more thing............

I know from being married for 10 years that men don't always "get" our feelings. I wouldn't assume that he is trying to be mean and hateful with the whole week trial thing. He may be thinking that it is a way to slowly break it to you rather than just an all of the sudden dumping.

I know it doesn't matter because you are still hurt. I just wanted to put out their that sometimes a guy can be pretty clueless about what they are actually doing to you. I don't think that his totally insensitive actions necessarily mean that he doesn't care about your feelings.

 

[StanH]

Take it from a so called "knucklehead" - he is done and too weak to be honest and forthcoming with you. Take the initiative then learn from this experience. I am so sorry for the pain you feel.

 

[Hercules10]

I can never understand why attractive young gals cry like this over guys that pull these stunts.

The boy is wanting his cake and you too. He's gonna string ya along and wait to see if his beach bunny is game and if she isn't he'll be back with you.

Stop crying. Dump his behind. Go find a real man.

 

[MareQ]

24 hours later and I just keep feeling worse... yesterday we went for a long walk in the park behind our complex, and then just sat by the creek and talked. It sounds like there's a girl he met recently who he just adores being around and is making him realize what's missing with us. The week deadline comes from her being away on spring break so he doesn't have any distractions and can focus on us. I can't help but feel that he's going through the motions though... that he's willing to wait the week for a miracle but he really doesn't want to try anything. What sucks is that although I logically know this stinks and is pretty much hopeless, all I want to do is pray for that miracle. I just want him to try, and if it doesn't work then it would be a lot easier for me... I just don't want those "what if"s that come from feeling like we just gave up. I'm really angry that he wouldn't face it when I kept pointing it out and he says now that we could have worked on it, but now that he's finally willing to face it he says it's too late. It's just not fair, and I know the world isn't fair but I guess I just didn't realize quite how unfair it is. Last night I kept waking up from nightmares and realizing that reality is worse than the nightmare was. I'm so sick of crying, but it's a constant effort to keep from doing it- if I let my guard down for a second, the tears come back. I look like a wreck and I have to go to work today... I'm so afraid that if someone asks what's wrong or asks where my ring is I'm gonna break down. I almost bit the poor person's head off from David's Bridal who was following up from when I tried on dresses. This just sucks so much and I don't know what to do but to pray for another chance.

That says it all right there. If things were GREAT with him and he was honestly and truly committed to you and this relationship - then he wouldn't have "met" a girl.

He's "willing to wait a week" while this girl is away? Geez - what a favor - thanks!

Take control of this situation now. It's the ONLY way you'll be able to feel better about this., DO NOT accept any person in your life that is not 100% committed to YOU and it's blatently obvious that he's not - especially since he's "met" somebody AFTER asking you to Marry him.

Chances are - this person is NOTHING to him. As they say - the grass is always greener - he probably has cold feet - but do you want to lay around and find out if this is the case or not? Tell him to take a hike until he's ready to give you the RESPECT you deserve.