I can't stop crying... Update p. 12-question

[singingpixie]

My fiance got home last night after spending time with friends, and apparently he had an epiphany. He's not happy, and hasn't been for the past 14 months or so. What sucks so much is that I knew he hadn't been, but he kept insisting he was happy rather than addressing problems. He even admitted that he thinks he proposed to make his family happy- his mom's really sick and he wanted her to see us get married before something awful happens. I knew this before he even did, but he just wasn't ready to see it until now.

I'm fine with waiting to get married- he proposed sooner than I would have wanted him to anyway.... but it seems like rather than taking that step back and being more honest with eachother about how we're feeling, he's preparing to take a million steps back and possibly even break up. He hasn't decided that, but he said that this week is sort of a test for him- that we should make an effort to have fun and get the spark back, because it's not fair to be in a relationship where we don't have fun. I agree with the sentiment, but I can't help but be terrified that this bombshell that just got dropped will probably hinder my ability to be fun in such a short period of time!

There is no doubt in my mind that I want to stay with him, even though I agree 100% that we need to work on things. I just hate the time frame. The lease is up next month, which is why I think he feels the time crunch. I know there needs to be some sort of limit so we don't just stagnate again, but how in the world can I deal with this and rebound enough to be a person that anyone would want to be with this fast? And how the heck do I stop crying so I can stop looking like a puffy freak so I can go to bed and then get up to have fun on the one day this week we're not working opposite schedules?

 

[disneydiva06]

 

[kdibattista]

I'm sorry... I hope you guys can work through this. Sometimes taking a step or two back is just what you need to take a leap forward

 

[mickeyboat]

I am sorry you are gong through this. Hopefully you will get past it and end up even stronger than before.

 

[DaisyD]

Sorry to hear that! But really it is much better then waiting til after your are married for him to decide he wasn't happy. You might be upset now but it is for the best to get this out in the open before the wedding. I'm sure it will all work out for the best for you!

 

[littleteapot]

Wow, 14 months is a really long time to be dishonest about feelings. If you want to get serious about the relationship, I think you may want to get some outside counseling. If one person in the relationship was dissatisfied for over a year, there isn't anything your going to do to regain "spark" in the month before the lease is up.

Good relationships have honesty as a cornerstone.

 

[CheshireVal]

Sorry you're going through that.

I'd be personally wondering what his idea of "fun" is, though. If he just started talking about this after spending time out with the guys..... are they all single? Maybe he's getting a little case of cold feet and doesn't feel ready to be tied down.

There's a way that couples can have "fun" together, but he might be expecting something like it was when you were first dating, which is hard to recapture after time.....

 

[singingpixie]

Sorry to hear that! But really it is much better then waiting til after your are married for him to decide he wasn't happy. You might be upset now but it is for the best to get this out in the open before the wedding. I'm sure it will all work out for the best for you!

Wow, 14 months is a really long time to be dishonest about feelings. If you want to get serious about the relationship, I think you may want to get some outside counseling. If one person in the relationship was dissatisfied for over a year, there isn't anything your going to do to regain "spark" in the month before the lease is up.

Good relationships have honesty as a cornerstone.

Oh I know, I'm really glad he said something finally... it's just the time frame that terrifies me. I feel like I need to put aside how crushed and hurt and angry (for proposing even though he felt this way, not for the feelings themselves) I'm feeling in order to force myself to be fun. I don't want to do it like that, because that feels just as dishonest. This week is one of the worst as far as time we're able to spend together, and today is the one day we can... and now I'm trying to deal with this and save our relationship all in one day. I know that's a bit dramatic and not the true situation, but it's how it feels.

 

[singingpixie]

Sorry you're going through that.

I'd be personally wondering what his idea of "fun" is, though. If he just started talking about this after spending time out with the guys..... are they all single? Maybe he's getting a little case of cold feet and doesn't feel ready to be tied down.

There's a way that couples can have "fun" together, but he might be expecting something like it was when you were first dating, which is hard to recapture after time.....

lol, I doubt it was after being with "the guys" since the friends mentioned are a girl and a gay guy. It wasn't exactly a macho guys night.

Part of what's changed is that a big draw in the beginning was that I am different than anyone else he's dated, so figuring me out was a challenge. What he said keeps him here is that he knows I'd be an awesome mom and someone he wants to spend his life with, even if he's not happy now. I know I've gotten kind of boring lately, mostly because I'm bored- I've graduated college and am not challenged at all with work, so I'm mostly just going through the motions, treading water until I figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. I can understand how that can make me tough to be with.

I really do believe that we can have fun together again, it's just so hard to find daylight hours to spend together with our varying schedules, and movies, being about the only evening activity, really aren't all that engaging. When we do things together, it's ok- it's just darn near impossible to find time we're both free to do things, and you can only have so much fun when one of you comes home from work at 11PM and the other has to be at work at 8AM.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

So sorry you have to go through this. I hear what you're saying about the time crunch, but focusing on that isn't going to help, it might actually make things worse.

Maybe you find out what your options on the apt are-- can you rent month to month, can one of you afford to keep it if the other moves out. Once you have those things settled maybe you both then can concentrate on your relationship. There is nothing saying if you break up & one moves out for a while that you couldn't reconcile later. Finding out your options might help you relax and be "fun loving" this week.

 

[Jennasis]

Umm...why do YOU have to jump through hoops to be fun when you are crushed? He sounds selfish frankly. What you guys need is couples counseling because a "lack of fun" is the lousiest excuse I've ever heard in a while.

Also, since it takes two people to make a relationship work, you should have spoken up sooner about his unhappiness. I know you said he kept denying it, but you also said you've KNOWN for a long time that he felt this way. So why are you shocked now that he's admitting it?

The only way you two are going to make it (and I truly hope you do) is by working to ensure a solid truthfull and honest foundation. You would be totally lying to him and yourself if you pasted on the happy face and went around pretending "Weee!!! Everything is so fun!"

Get counseling together.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Oh I know, I'm really glad he said something finally... it's just the time frame that terrifies me. I feel like I need to put aside how crushed and hurt and angry (for proposing even though he felt this way, not for the feelings themselves) I'm feeling in order to force myself to be fun. I don't want to do it like that, because that feels just as dishonest. This week is one of the worst as far as time we're able to spend together, and today is the one day we can... and now I'm trying to deal with this and save our relationship all in one day. I know that's a bit dramatic and not the true situation, but it's how it feels.

Maybe instead of going out and having "fun", you guys should sit down and have a talk. No it's not fun but sometimes being in a relationship isn't fun. You need to sit down and talk about your hurts and his ideas about what he wants. You said you feel like there is a time restraint because of your lease being up. Well so what if your lease expires? You either have to be together and having fun or you break up? Maybe you need a game plan before that happens. Ask him what he considers fun and what he needs from this relationship. Explain to him that your feelings are hurt right now and fun might not come as easily to you.

If I remember correctly, aren't you planning your wedding right now with all the details? Sometimes that just comsumes the bride and maybe your sweets is feeling left out and needs some attention. Do you even want to get married soon? You mentioned that he proposed earlier than you even planned for. Maybe right now you need to postpone the wedding and work on being a couple again. Good luck and I hope it all works out.

 

[ntburns22]

 

[Christine]

What he said keeps him here is that he knows I'd be an awesome mom and someone he wants to spend his life with,

I know this is going to sound strange BUT please BEWARE of this statement. I can count offhand three guy-friends I know who were married to the wrong woman and went through a divorce. They all said that they married these women because they thought they would be good moms. Now, I know that this probably isn't the only reason he likes you. But, from what I've seen there are guys who will seek out a relationship with a "responsible" woman because she seems to fit the mold of wife and mother and he's not that necessarily head over heels with her.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

I wanted to add this after I went back & read your post. Be honest with him about how your feeling. He dropped a bombshell on you, he can't possibly expect your relationship to be decided in a week & that you would be more fun loving if he didn't have you feeling so pressured. Maybe you both need to take a step back. Good luck.

 

[singingpixie]

Umm...why do YOU have to jump through hoops to be fun when you are crushed? He sounds selfish frankly. What you guys need is couples counseling because a "lack of fun" is the lousiest excuse I've ever heard in a while.

Also, since it takes two people to make a relationship work, you should have spoken up sooner about his unhappiness. I know you said he kept denying it, but you also said you've KNOWN for a long time that he felt this way. So why are you shocked now that he's admitting it?

The only way you two are going to make it (and I truly hope you do) is by working to ensure a solid truthfull and honest foundation. You would be totally lying to him and yourself if you pasted on the happy face and went around pretending "Weee!!! Everything is so fun!"

Get counseling together.

I do think that "lack of fun" is a valid excuse to question a relationship- I mean, who would want to be with someone the rest of their lives that they don't honestly enjoy being around? Obviously fun isn't the only requirement for a good relationship, but I do think it is one of them. You have to enjoy eachother's company.

I've directly asked at least monthly if he was happy. I've even said "It really doesn't seem like you're happy. What is bothering you?" and he's denied it, in order to protect me. He kept saying he didn't want to see me cry. I told him that it's unfair to be bothered by things in our relationship and then just let them fester, rather than being open so we can work together to make things better. I'm not shocked at all, I'm relieved that he said something. I'm just angry it took so long and resentful that he spent all this time denying it rather than letting us work on it together, and is now setting us up where it has to be fixed on such a short time frame.

Oh, and I'm completely incapable of faking fun, even if I wanted to, so the whole "wee everything is fun" thing wouldn't happen. I've got to actually get past this and actually have fun.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I am very sorry for you and I know this is going to sound harsh but I agree with the PP who wanted to know why you have to be a 3 ring circus to entertain him? Honestly- I don't think couples counseling is the way to go here. It is supposed to be fun while you are dating - BUT- it's not supposed to be work. If he hasn't been happy for the last 14 months and only proposed to please his Mom that should tell you something. He wants to stay with you because you'd be a great Mom and wife but he's bored with you? Look- I know this is not what you want to hear but sometimes things just don't work out. From reading your posts it seems like you knew he was unhappy even if he didn't want to talk about it. He didn't have an epihpany, he just got up the guts to tell you. There are plenty of people I have met in life that would be good husbands or fathers but they weren't for me. Personally it sounds like this relationship has run its course. He may be a great guy and you sound like a great girl but that doesn't mean you are great together. YKWIM? I know you are hurt and crushed, but you will get over this. Don't sell yourself short. There will be a man out there for you who is right for you.

 

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

Well I for one think that it's better now than later. Quite honestly if you have to work so hard on the relationship now, perhaps it's better it ends. I know marriage is a lot of work, but had I had to work thru counseling and such during the courtship, I would have probably looked elsewhere. You should not have to"fake" fun especially now that you are hurt. A good heart to heart could go along way even if it turns out not the way you would like it.
I wish you the best. Remember you are young, beautiful and you have your whole life ahead of you.

 

[singingpixie]

So sorry you have to go through this. I hear what you're saying about the time crunch, but focusing on that isn't going to help, it might actually make things worse.

Maybe you find out what your options on the apt are-- can you rent month to month, can one of you afford to keep it if the other moves out. Once you have those things settled maybe you both then can concentrate on your relationship. There is nothing saying if you break up & one moves out for a while that you couldn't reconcile later. Finding out your options might help you relax and be "fun loving" this week.

Unfortunately, the logistics there are a bit complicated. I doubt our landlord would let us go month-to-month, as he's had someone lined up to take our place whenever we move out for the past year. They'd be willing to sign a whole lease, so I'm sure he'd rather have that.

As for us affording it on our own, he couldn't (still in school) and I don't know for sure if I could. All of the furniture in the house is his. Plus, one of our roommates would be completely screwed over if something happened- she's still in school and her parents live 2 hours away, and she gave up any shot at on-campus housing when she moved off (current residents get first dibs, and it's really in demand). We promised her we'd be here until she graduated, and when we got engaged that was the first thing she worried about. And, if we broke up, I don't know if I could handle living here anymore. Just emotionally, it might be too tough. All of this, from the house to the furniture to the car to the dog, came about because we plan to have a life together. Our friends are all in common. I work in the building attached to the one where we met. I'd be a wreck any time anything reminded me of him.

 

[minkydog]

I know this is going to sound strange BUT please BEWARE of this statement. I can count offhand three guy-friends I know who were married to the wrong woman and went through a divorce. They all said that they married these women because they thought they would be good moms. Now, I know that this probably isn't the only reason he likes you. But, from what I've seen there are guys who will seek out a relationship with a "responsible" woman because she seems to fit the mold of wife and mother and he's not that necessarily head over heels with her.

I completely agree with this statement, especially when his own mother is going through a period of serious illness. Your fiance sounds like a confused man. People don't break up because it's not "fun". He is having more than a little difficulty expressing his true feelings. Is his idea of "fun" seeing other people for a while?

Rather than trying to fake it and be more "fun" this week, consider making time to walk and talk. We've been married 26yrs and have had more than our share of un-fun times. The only way to put it back together again is to make an effort to spend time doing something actively, together. It doesn't have to be sporty, it can be something as easy as reading jokes out loud to each other, making ice cream sundaes at home, or walking around and around at the park. If he is not amenable to spending time together, then perhaps this is he way of saying he's "just not that into you". Sorry, it happens sometimes. I know you're hurting.