I can't stop crying... Update p. 12-question

[vickyBaby]

You are one smart cookie. You are taking this all in, not jumping the gun, and moving cautiously. Keep doing what you are doing. It will all work out sweetie. ((((hugs)))

 

[Alex2kMommy]

As silly and girly as it sounds, I thought that just loving him would be enough to make it work until he would "grow up" a bit and start treating me better.

Your post and your heartache remind me so much of myself in my post-college years. This quote in particular resonates with me, because I also was in a less-than-happy relationship. I knew it wasn't 'right', but I just couldn't bear to break things off. We finally stopped seeing each other when he moved to the East Coast for a job. While it hurt for a while, I very quickly realized how much happier I was without him.

So like my ex-boyfriend, I think your fiance just did you a huge favor. It probably doesn't feel like it at the moment, and I'm sure there will be moments you miss him, or just miss having someone, but as someone else said, you deserve to be with someone who loves and appreciates you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

So my advice to you is to work on yourself. Figure out what you want to do (to make yourself happy), and go do it! If it means changing jobs, taking classes, taking up a new hobby, spending more time with family and/or friends, just do it. Now is the time. Good luck to you!

 

[Patty3]

I just wanted to give you a big

 

[AprilShowers]

I just wanted to give you a big

Me too!

 

[cccm]

Congratulations on thinking things through. Each person is logical/illogical as they think through the important things. Emotions can sometimes get the best of us, but you decided to do what you need to do and what would be healthy for you in the long run.

As others have said, marriage is hard work. DH and I have to work at ours many days, as I suspect many others do. We have only been married 6 years, have many, many more to go.

Good Luck, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, put on a smile, look to tomorrow and the future. Things will get better.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I just read your whole thread. It sounds like you have your head on straight and are seeing things for what they are. It's a lot to digest.

Be extra good to yourself. Do things you like to do, reconnect with some friends you haven't seen in awhile, & get out and about (especially while your soon to be ex is still in the house). It will lift your spirits.

 

[rie'smom]

 

[shirleyb]

singingpixie,
You sound the most together that you've sounded since all of this started. I continue to wish you only the best.

 

[MelanieC]

Hang in there! Just remember the world is a bright happy place and while you can't see it right now, there is something bigger and better waiting for you out there. You'll find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated. Life is your oyster - Let him have the other girl and go get the guy you don't have to CHANGE!

 

[4nana]

I have been following your thread sweetie and my heart breaks for you .
I am so glad to read you are thinking more clearly today. Also great you don't have to worry about moving and will have the security of staying there with friends while you figure things out.

Even though your heart is breaking, believe that God knows what is best and has much bigger and better plans in store for you! It's only natural to have some ups and downs when your hopes and dreams fall apart, but life is what you make of it and you my dear will survive this and come out stronger and wiser. In time, this too shall pass, your heart will mend and your knight in shining armor will come along when you least expect it. I send you ((hugs)) and prayers for a bright and happy future. Godspeed ^i^

PS - like your new siggie pic - you are beautiful!!!
Some day he is going to kick himself for letting you slip away!!

 

[mytwotinks]

singingpixie,
You sound the most together that you've sounded since all of this started. I continue to wish you only the best.

That's exactly what I was thinking!

I know it doesn't feel like it, but I bet in a couple of weeks you are going to be really excited about your future. It's going to feel like a fresh start for you!

 

[zalansky]

OP - hugs to you! I am happy to see you coming around and realizing things that most girls in your situation wouldn't...or would not want to see. People can't be changed. Trus me, the things they do now that annoy you will grow more intense in a marriage down the line. I find it so refreshing you are seeing this for what it is. And like so many others....I see alot of my former self here, early 20's, dating man bad for me, trying to go on with relationships when people told me bluntly they were unhappy. So here are a few old cliches that I am pulling from the 38 year old memory bank:
"Its always darkest before the dawn"
"When one door closes, another opens" (and don't let that door hit you in the a**....)
And....my all-time favorite, the one that finally made me see I didn't need any man to make me whole: (mom gave me this during one of my crying marathons)

After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn...


Hope you feel better soon!

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

 

[LoriMistress]

Well, it's starting to sink in a bit. We're not officially "decided," but I'm at the point where I think that even if he wants to try to stick it out, I probably don't. I think the reason I wanted a chance to "try to fix things" is because I had always said "we're not happy now, but if I could only get him to change _______ it would be better," but I could never get him to fix those things. As silly and girly as it sounds, I thought that just loving him would be enough to make it work until he would "grow up" a bit and start treating me better. I still wish that was the case.... I still love him and will probably always love him (we were really good friends before we ever dated, and I hope that after some time apart to heal, we can be again- our social circles are really connected so it would be hard if we couldn't).

As for the house, it sounds like he'd move out and one of my roommates would move to the master bedroom w/ his girlfriend (who practically lives with us anyway, and has shown interest multiple times of moving in if anyone moves out), and I'd take the smaller bedroom. The furniture would mostly stay where it is until steve finds a place, and then he'd only take what he needs. He wouldn't have a place to put it anyway, so it would make little sense for him to pay for a storage unit while we all have to buy new furniture. It was all garage sale stuff anyway, nice garage sale stuff but not expensive or sentimental. I don't know if I want to be in the area forever, but I feel like I need some stability for a while until things settle down, plus I love the house and the neighborhood, and I wouldn't have to move with the dog.

It's hard to describe how I'm feeling right now- really sad and overwhelmed, since I had really only imagined my future with him for the past couple years (and the years surrounding college graduation include a lot of future-picturing). I was already kind of overwhelmed carreer-wise, and it feels like my one anchor is going away. But at the same time, the logical part of me feels like it's probably what I should have done a long time ago. I guess we'll see how the rest of the week goes.

I completely understand. I never been broken off an engagment or marriage, but I've been in an abusive relationship previous and continued to try to convince myself if I can "change/save him then things will be much better for the both of us" or "my love is strong enough of the both of us." But every day I felt worse and worse. When I was with him I was in utter dispair and when I wasn't with him (at first, but I knew it was for the better) I seemed like a failure. Don't feel that you failed in the relationship or that you're a "loser" in anyway. You know deep down, and later on in time, if you guys decided to get married you know you would feel horrible. You would be drowning every day trying to save yourself and hoping one day your man will start acting like one. If he thought you were THE ONE, he would treat you as if you were The One. Would you want to settle with a man for the rest of your life that thought of you as "second best?" Would you settle with a man for the rest of your life who doesn't treat you with respect?

If you need to chat, please feel free to PM me.

 

[Hixski]

I have a younger friend. I am 47 and she is 30. She looks to me for advice from time to time. She is not really happy in her marriage. I think she is just biding her time. She has 2 children. One of her criteria for a good husband is would he take a bullet for you. She says her husband would not but she knows my DH would take one for me. She was joking but I think she was a bit serious too. In other words do they love you more than they love themselves.

 

[horseshowmom]

I've read through the thread, and you've already gotten very good advice. I just want to wish you well and tell you to keep reminding yourself that it will get better (because it will ).

 

[Pooh93]

You will make it! (You already are!)

 

[mickeyboat]

More hugs for you! (My smilies are not working, unless you want a winky smilie , a confused smilie a shocked smilie or a mad smilie )

Denae

 

[LiteBrite]

Meg, good for you. I know this is far from easy for you, and you're handling yourself beautifully. Stay strong - if he comes back you may be tempted, but you've faced some home truths, and they will be just as true even if he were to decide he wanted you back.

You're doing great!

 

[poohandwendy]

Well, it's starting to sink in a bit. We're not officially "decided," but I'm at the point where I think that even if he wants to try to stick it out, I probably don't. I think the reason I wanted a chance to "try to fix things" is because I had always said "we're not happy now, but if I could only get him to change _______ it would be better," but I could never get him to fix those things. As silly and girly as it sounds, I thought that just loving him would be enough to make it work until he would "grow up" a bit and start treating me better. I still wish that was the case.... I still love him and will probably always love him (we were really good friends before we ever dated, and I hope that after some time apart to heal, we can be again- our social circles are really connected so it would be hard if we couldn't).

It's interesting that you mention this. I think many women fall into this trap of being in love with the 'potential'

I hope that if there is anything you take away from this relationship, it is that there is great future disappointment in falling in love with the potential person a man could be. It seems to happen alot...women say "I think if x,y and z happened, he will change and things will be perfect"

Honestly, all women need to ask theirselves "Would I be happy if he is always exact the same way as he is today or am I banking on him becoming a different, better person someday?"

If the relationship is not a healthy, happy one in the dating/engagement phase, it is definitely not going to make a miraculous change during marriage when life challenges and responsibilities are added to the mix.

OP. I wish you well. I know this is really hard for you now, but as I said before...this really could be your miracle in disguise.