I can't stop crying... Update p. 12-question

[LiteBrite]

Thanks for the hugs and advice...

I know the whole "if you love someone, set him free" adage... in fact, I did that 2 1/2 years ago with him. He came back a week later but I made him wait a couple more months until I was sure he meant it and not just panicking. This just feels different.

As for moving home, I'm really torn. Part of me does want to just run away to where it's safe, but my life is here in Fairfax, and my parents are in upstate new york. There's nothing for me there except my family (not to minimize them) and there's not a lot of job opportunities. Here there's work and my friends, but a lot of them are mutual, so that's really tough. I guess I just don't know what I want to do yet, and the complication as far as figuring out the house and the furniture and everything else, I'd just rather let this sink in a bit before I add that on top. One of our roommates is away on spring break anyway, so we'll have to involve her in some of the discussion.

He should be the one packing and moving out, not you. If you and your other roommate need a third person to help with the rent, start looking now.

 

[singingpixie]

He should be the one packing and moving out, not you. If you and your other roommate need a third person to help with the rent, start looking now.

It's just complicated because all the furniture in the house is his (well, given to "us" by his parents) and two of our roommates were initially his friends, and one was initially mine. (there's 5 of us total, in a 4 br townhouse). It's just a big mess.

 

[Tuffcookie]

JunieJay wrote:

My advice to you would be to get your emotions in check, and soon. You may FEEL desperate, but you can’t act desperate, as this will drive him away even more so (although I have to say with the wisdom of an older woman that it might be the best thing that ever happened to you).

Ditto, what she said.

It sounds like he has already made his mind up as to what he wants to do.

I'm sorry you are going thru this.

TC

 

[CheshireVal]

I'm so sorry. He's being a real jerk and not treating you with any amount of respect. You deserve better!

It's so easy for all of us to sit here and tell you to move on. However, I know that in reality it's *never* easy to actually make the move. It's too much hassle, you love him, it hurts...... believe me I know.

But we're pretty much all being objective here when we say that this doesn't sound like it's going to work out. I don't think this guy is ready for a big commitment. He's looking for fun. You seem to be in different places.

Take a small comfort in knowing that at least you figured this out now before you were actually married.

 

[MsSpinShady]

First, to you!

You have received some wonderful advice on this thread. Many of us have already been where you are, and while we can empathize with your feelings, we can also give you advice from experience and a less emotional perspective.

I was heartened by your last post -- it sounds like as hard as it is, you are able to start looking at the situation from a more practical standpoint. This will help you make better decisions for yourself and your future.

The only piece of advice I would add is to remember that, especially when it comes to relationships, it is not your role to "fix" things. As many of the women here have said, while strong, lasting relationships require time and nurturance, you should never feel like you are responsible for having to "fix" everything in order to please your partner. Relationships/marriages are partnerships, and require 100% commitment from both people. It sounds as if your boyfriend is putting everything on your shoulders to try and "fix". So many women fall into the pattern of feeling like they always have the responsibility to do this and end up staying in relationships with men who use them and never really fully commit to them.

Best wishes as you begin a new chapter in your life! You sound like you are beginning down the right path.

MsSpinShady

P.S. I used to live in Centreville -- very crowded LOL!

 

[LiteBrite]

It's just complicated because all the furniture in the house is his (well, given to "us" by his parents) and two of our roommates were initially his friends, and one was initially mine. (there's 5 of us total, in a 4 br townhouse). It's just a big mess.

Ok, that does sound complicated, and I don't know what the solution to the housing situation is, but I just want to reiterate the 2 things I said to you yesterday - first, there is some sort of solution to this housing problem, and you can figure it out; and more importantly, second, don't make your decision on this relationship based on your housing problem. Put that completely out of your mind while you're deciding what you want to do about him, and then deal with it later if you need to (and it sounds like you probably will).

The apartment problem is temporary, but if you wind up married to the wrong man, that's a much bigger deal. Figure that out first.

 

[SC Minnie]

I agree with the others. WHen I read your post yesterday there was a huge red flag that someone else was involved. He was too much of a coward to be honest with you. He has moved on. Time for the light to go on in your head and realize you are better than groveling and begging him to stay when he doesn't want to. You deserve to be with someone that WANTS to be with you.

Can you find a cheaper apt with a couple of your roommates? THe furniture situation will work itself out. You don't need a fully furnished house to survive. You can find basics at thrift stores that will get you by.

 

[CathrynRose]

So that jerk is willing to be entertained for a week until his friend is available again?!

No way, no how. I'm sorry, I don't mean to tell you what to do, but he's already gone. He is just going through the motions to make himself feel better and to give you false hope.

I'm so mad at him right now.

There is nothing you can do now. But girl there is a whole lot better men out there and I know you love him, but you need to be more choosy with your heart. He doesn't deserve it.

Agree 100%.

As hard as it is, it's time to let him loose. All relationships are hunky dory when you first meet someone (i.e. this chic he is enamoured with) Im sure she's on Spring Break and just SO anxious to get back to him, right?? NOT!!!

It IS hard, but it needs to be done - cut him loose. You know that old saying "if you love something, set it free...."

As sucky as this sounds, you need to put yourself back in the driver's seat before Mr Wonderful comes crawling back asking for forgiveness, which WILL happen. But when that time comes YOU need to be in control of the situation, not your emotions.

for you, and *bird* for him.

 

[Christine]

Ok, that does sound complicated, and I don't know what the solution to the housing situation is, but I just want to reiterate the 2 things I said to you yesterday - first, there is some sort of solution to this housing problem, and you can figure it out; and more importantly, second, don't make your decision on this relationship based on your housing problem. Put that completely out of your mind while you're deciding what you want to do about him, and then deal with it later if you need to (and it sounds like you probably will).

The apartment problem is temporary, but if you wind up married to the wrong man, that's a much bigger deal. Figure that out first.

Such good advice.

You know, the horrible incovenience of all you are going through is the same reason many MARRIED couples won't even get a divorce. I think, even just living with someone, makes it VERY hard to get out of a relationship. I know this is a major disruption in your life--total upheaval, but you really must try not to let the housing situation get in the way of this.

By the way--hello, neighbor. I realized from your last post that you are in Fairfax.

 

[Oreo Cookie]

:

So that jerk is willing to be entertained for a week until his friend is available again?!

No way, no how. I'm sorry, I don't mean to tell you what to do, but he's already gone. He is just going through the motions to make himself feel better and to give you false hope.

I'm so mad at him right now.

There is nothing you can do now. But girl there is a whole lot better men out there and I know you love him, but you need to be more choosy with your heart. He doesn't deserve it.

I agree 100%.

You deserve so much better, and it's hard to believe right now, but things will be much better in the end for you. You will move on and meet someone who loves and respects you, and you will share a beautiful life together.

 

[Keli]

My advice to you would be to get your emotions in check, and soon. You may FEEL desperate, but you can’t act desperate, as this will drive him away even more so (although I have to say with the wisdom of an older woman that it might be the best thing that ever happened to you). I can tell you if there is one thing I have learned in my 44 years on earth, its you can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. Go with the old adage, “if you love something, set it free. If it comes back, its true love; if not, it was never meant to be”.

Good luck and big big hugs.

I can't tell you how much I agree with this advice. Acting desperate will cause this fella to turn and run FASTER than he is already. But just as JunieJay said, this might be the best thing that ever happened to you. I suspect strongly that it will.

I've read many of your posts and I've always got the feeling you had to tiptoe around this fella to keep him happy in the first place. Not a good way to live and you'll be surprised how much happier you'll be in a relationship where you are allowed to be yourself.

 

[shirleyb]

Hon, run away from this one.

What if his sweetie comes back from spring break, where she's met someone and dumps him? Do you really want him back, if the only reason he's with you is because she's not available?

You can do better. You can do better. You can do better.

The housing situation will work out. Let him take the furniture, you can always get used furniture. Either you move out or him, and the rest will work itself out.

 

[agnes!]

When I first read the OP in this thread, my first thought was "H3ll yes, there's another woman." NOT that it isn't his fault(as if he can't take the responsibility? lol), but I just knew that there is an affair going on. Whether or not it is actually physical or not is immaterial...he has already moved on emotionally.

I am sorry for your pain. You sound like a nice person.

And he's an unmitigated jerk. You can't see this right now, but honey?...you deserve someone *better*.

He is probably still not telling you the complete truth about how involved he is with her and how long it has all been going on. He's already proven himself to be a liar about the central core of your relationship, his commitment to you...what else could he have lied about? I am really sorry to have to say this, but you should probably get yourself 'tested'.

agnes!

 

[Cool-Beans]

It is over. The relationship, I mean - not your life.

Your soon to be ex-boyfriend really didn't want to hurt your feelings and he feels like a jerk. But, he knows he doesn't love you and has to move on. When you cry, he just feels worse about himself. And he wants to get as far from you and all of this as possible.

He thinks that you are understanding that the two of you are breaking up. Because if a girl said this stuff to him, he'd get it. The fact that you aren't getting it is dragging him down. He feels sorry for you, but still - it's all the more reason to get out of dodge quickly. Hence, the week.

He isn't trying to lead you on. He's trying to let you down easy. He figures that you'll get it by then. And if you don't...Well, he tried. And then he can go and not look back.

I know it doesn't feel this way now, but you are actually lucky that this guy has the guts to do it. Some guys go through with the wedding and have children with women they don't really love, because they feel like they committed to it and HAVE to. Then the whole family ends up miserable, and divorce is almost a certainty.

This wasn't the guy for you. But someone is. "NO!" you say. "There will never be anyone who 'gets' me like he did! I'll never feel so loved and secure again! I'll never meet anyone I love as much! He's perfect for me! I want HIM!" But, know what? You will. You'll meet someone else who is different and you'll love him even more. And he'll love you. And it will all be so new and wonderful you'll look back and laugh at yourself for thinking Mr. Butthead was THE ONE. Really.

So, get away from this. It takes time to greive a relationship. The sooner you start, the sooner it'll be over and you can move on. Stay busy. Go out with friends. Take walks. Go to movies. Work more. Whatever.

And try to smile. If you fake the smilies long enough, eventually you'll be surprised to find that they start showing up on their own.

 

[Jennasis]

Hugs sweetie...I know it hurts, but the pain will lessen with time and eventually he'll be nothing more than an unpleasant memory. You deserve happiness and someone who will adore you.

 

[Missamoncus]

As others have said, you really deserve better. I keep remembering what my mom said when I asked her why she and my dad divorced. I asked her if she was lonely being on her own and she said, "No. Not really. Being married to the wrong man, now THAT'S lonely." You deserve someone who is TOTALLY in love with you and knows it.


Melissa

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

Hang in there.

 

[zagafi]

Some of the best advice I've ever heard was pretty blunt, but true. Basically, it's "you can't be a doormat unless you lie down." Well, do NOT be this jerk's doormat. He's already checked out of this relationship and while it is hard, you'll be better for moving on. I know it's easy for all of us to say, and much harder for you to do, but kick him to the curb now.

Someone better IS out there. This guy has zero respect for you and you deserve better. Yes, you'll hurt and you'll grieve, but I think you'll ultimately be much, much happier.

(((HUGS))) to you.

 

[elan]

So that jerk is willing to be entertained for a week until his friend is available again?!

No way, no how. I'm sorry, I don't mean to tell you what to do, but he's already gone. He is just going through the motions to make himself feel better and to give you false hope.

I'm so mad at him right now.

There is nothing you can do now. But girl there is a whole lot better men out there and I know you love him, but you need to be more choosy with your heart. He doesn't deserve it.

I so completely agree with this. He's just going thru the motions to make himself feel like he's not a jerk. He is. (I don't know if I'd give him such an easy out.)

I know it's easy to say but try not to dwell on the what ifs and what could bes about him. You'll never have all the answers and even if he tells you something you can't totally believe it anyway.

I'm sorry your heart has been broken. Like many others here I remember getting mine broke at about your age. It sucks. But the person I invisioned being with back than and the person I'm married to are very different.

Is there any other friends you could move in with if you can't afford to be on your own?

Don't worry too much about the furniture...if it came from his parents it will probably stay with him.


and hang in there.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

So that jerk is willing to be entertained for a week until his friend is available again?!

No way, no how. I'm sorry, I don't mean to tell you what to do, but he's already gone. He is just going through the motions to make himself feel better and to give you false hope. I'm so mad at him right now.

There is nothing you can do now. But girl there is a whole lot better men out there and I know you love him, but you need to be more choosy with your heart. He doesn't deserve it.

i agree with the bolded
he is just waiting til she gets back and then i bet hes gone
im sorry and hope everything works out for you