I can't stop crying... Update p. 12-question

[poohandwendy]

I haven't read past the first page, but my suggestion is this.

You don't feel like fun today? Don't spend today with him. So you don't see him until next week. Maybe that is a good thing. A healthy relationship is one where you do not feel desperate, whether that be to quickly put on the 'fun face' or to wait and see what he wants.

You sound like you feel desperate to hold onto him. Do not allow yourself to believe that you have to 'hold onto' anyone. He is either in love with you and wants the same things down the road or not. And trust me, if he isn't committed to you there is NOTHING you can do to change that.

Please do not allow yourself to believe that you need to do x,y and z to hold onto this relationship. If that is the case, you really do not have one to begin with.

Allow some time apart to sort things out, for you and him. He may just feel things are going too fast. If that is true, they are for him. And that is ok, there is no hurry.

I am sure you feel blindsided by this. But, really he is doing you a favor by letting you know how he feels. Keep that communication open...if you start to panic...he may say things to make you feel better that don't reflect what he really wants. Allow the relationship the time it needs. Sometimes that is necessary to go to the next step.

I wish you both luck with it, I am sure it will work out in the end.

 

[Serena]

I'm so sorry. You both deserve a better relationship and all the wishing and hoping and lying to yourselves and each other won't make this one work.

There is a better fit for both of you out there.

 

[LiteBrite]

OP, bless your heart. I was in a situation similar to this once many years ago. I was also engaged to someone who wasn't happy in our relationship. I also wasn't happy, but I was having a hard time admitting that to myself.

He didn't put me in the same position your fiancee has put you in, he just went ahead and dumped me. I was heartbroken and devastated for a long time, but now I believe I was dumped by the grace of God. I would have had a horrible marriage with this guy. What I have now is a great, 22 year marriage with the one who hadn't come along yet then. I'm not trying to say that your situation is necessarily the same as mine, just that it could be.

The one point I would like to specifically address is your lease/roommate situation. Please don't base a lifetime decision like a possible marriage on a temporary difficulty like a lease. If you were to break up with your fiancee, and that put your other roommate in a bind, I don't know what the solution would be, but there would be one. Perhaps he could move out and another girl could move in to take his place. Whatever. You can work something out if you have to. Make your relationship decisions based on the relationship, not the lease situation.

 

[Missy Mouse]

I have been where you are. Everything was wrong with me. He wanted to look to the future and assume that our problems would go away and that we would be married with children and life would be different. He asked me to change so many ways. I spent three years struggling to be good enough, and every time I fixed something he resented me for something else. It became a game, much like what your fiance is starting. I felt so desperate not to lose those three years, I didn't want it all to be for nothing. I would back off when he only wanted to hang out with his friends, left me out, and treated me like a convenience. But eventually you just get fed up. And you will. You're passively fighting against the advice you've been given here because you're not quite ready to see things for what they are. It's hard to be objective when you love someone so much.

But they are right. You shouldn't have to doubt yourself or think you're boring. You should never have to change for the sake of someone else's entertainment. It sounds like all this has been 100% put on you. What about him? He can't be Mr. Fun and Games all the time. A relationship is about growing together. If he had a problem 14 months ago, that was the time to speak up...now there are bigger problems...resent being the main one. And the bottom line is that you can't force something to be there if it's not. Maybe your personalities just don't click anymore. There are many men out there who would consider spending time on the couch watching movies and cuddlng together a lot of fun. When you love someone you appreciate ANY time you have together. And you should never have to make excuses for yourself. You are not boring, you're GROWING UP. Something he needs to do. I'm sorry, but he has a lot of issues going on that have nothing to do with you, and you cannot change them no matter how "fun" you manage to be in the next month. If you can't talk to each other openly and honestly then there is just no hope, especially since he's already proposed to you with these feelings. When you take marriage vows you're taking them for life, not just for when times are happy and things are going well.

By the way, the ex I spoke about and I ended up breaking up...a few months later I met my current boyfriend (completely by surprise) and we have been happy to sit many nights on the couch together watching tv and talking. It's been three years for us now and that feeling still hasn't gone away. You deserve that kind of feeling. The longer you put this all on your shoulders the worse it's going to be for you in the end. All these things you've said are a warning sign of something bigger.

 

[KadysMom]

 

[minkydog]

By the way, the ex I spoke about and I ended up breaking up...a few months later I met my current boyfriend (completely by surprise) and we have been happy to sit many nights on the couch together watching tv and talking. It's been three years for us now and that feeling still hasn't gone away. You deserve that kind of feeling.

You know, I just have to tell you this--my DH told me early on that he knew I was "THE ONE" when he realized that we never ran out of things to talk about. He had never had that experience before. And we laughed a lot, even when we were piss-poor and didn't have 2 cents to our name. Twenty-six years later we still have something to talk about and we spend every day together (he's retired now.)

 

[Missy Mouse]

You know, I just have to tell you this--my DH told me early on that he knew I was "THE ONE" when he realized that we never ran out of things to talk about. He had never had that experience before. And we laughed a lot, even when we were piss-poor and didn't have 2 cents to our name. Twenty-six years later we still have something to talk about and we spend every day together (he's retired now.)

So funny as that is exactly what my boyfriend said to me. He says he knows I'm the one for him for those reasons. We never stop laughing (sometimes at each other's expense!) and we have to force ourselves to be quiet and go to sleep because we could talk all night about nothing at all. You just never get tired of the person when they're the right one - sure sure, a night out with friends here and there is needed and healthy, but you just can't wait to get home to them.

 

[dis-me]

Hi OP. I don't post too often but your story is close to home for me at the moment so I wanted to come and say hi.
After 5 years, my BF hung up on me after a silly disagreement (really trivial) and hasn't spoken to me since, except an email to say he doesn't want to be with me anymore, I'm dead to him because he's sick of me and not to ever contact him again. (For the record, I was a very loving, cooperative girlfriend, there was no justification for that).
It's been a couple of weeks now and despite my efforts to talk to him - he really isn't coming back!
We were in the middle of finding a place to live together and settling down. Needless to say, I was totally destroyed.

I really feel for you that your fiance has done this at such an important time for you and made you feel like you are being tested.

I know this is hard but please please try to have fun together, but don't try to be over-the-top, to the extent you're not yourself, because remember you'll have to maintain that forever!

I really really really hope things work out for you and he is clearly a good, honest man that respects you - because he was honest and didn't do the disappearing act the second he got cold feet like many (my ex included) do.

But if they don't (and I hope they will) there is life after heartbreak - I PROMISE! because if someone had told me that a couple of weeks ago I wouldve told them they were wrong, but whatever happens, don't be scared you'll be sad forever, because I promise you won't!

 

[Missy Mouse]

I really feel for you that your fiance has done this at such an important time for you and made you feel like you are being tested.



I really really really hope things work out for you and he is clearly a good, honest man that respects you - because he was honest and didn't do the disappearing act the second he got cold feet like many (my ex included) do.

When you love someone you don't have to test them - if you do then you have a shaky ground of trust. Also, how do you know he is "clearly a good, honest man that respects her"? He waited 14 months to tell her he was unhappy despite having been given many opportunities to come clean. He is basically giving her an ultimatum...where is the respect in that?

 

[dis-me]

I have been where you are. Everything was wrong with me. He wanted to look to the future and assume that our problems would go away and that we would be married with children and life would be different. He asked me to change so many ways. I spent three years struggling to be good enough, and every time I fixed something he resented me for something else. It became a game, much like what your fiance is starting. I felt so desperate not to lose those three years, I didn't want it all to be for nothing. I would back off when he only wanted to hang out with his friends, left me out, and treated me like a convenience. But eventually you just get fed up. And you will. You're passively fighting against the advice you've been given here because you're not quite ready to see things for what they are. It's hard to be objective when you love someone so much.

But they are right. You shouldn't have to doubt yourself or think you're boring. You should never have to change for the sake of someone else's entertainment. It sounds like all this has been 100% put on you. What about him? He can't be Mr. Fun and Games all the time. A relationship is about growing together. If he had a problem 14 months ago, that was the time to speak up...now there are bigger problems...resent being the main one. And the bottom line is that you can't force something to be there if it's not. Maybe your personalities just don't click anymore. There are many men out there who would consider spending time on the couch watching movies and cuddlng together a lot of fun. When you love someone you appreciate ANY time you have together. And you should never have to make excuses for yourself. You are not boring, you're GROWING UP. Something he needs to do. I'm sorry, but he has a lot of issues going on that have nothing to do with you, and you cannot change them no matter how "fun" you manage to be in the next month. If you can't talk to each other openly and honestly then there is just no hope, especially since he's already proposed to you with these feelings. When you take marriage vows you're taking them for life, not just for when times are happy and things are going well.

By the way, the ex I spoke about and I ended up breaking up...a few months later I met my current boyfriend (completely by surprise) and we have been happy to sit many nights on the couch together watching tv and talking. It's been three years for us now and that feeling still hasn't gone away. You deserve that kind of feeling. The longer you put this all on your shoulders the worse it's going to be for you in the end. All these things you've said are a warning sign of something bigger.

Missy Mouse, did you date my ex? Sounds exactly like him, and he disappeared out of my life without warning a couple of weeks ago because nothing I did was ever good enough, no matter how many times I changed.

Sorry OP, didn't mean to hi-jack....

 

[Serena]

The bottom line to me is, that he is asking the impossible so that he can blame someone else when he walks away. That's my take on it anyway.

 

[Missy Mouse]

The bottom line to me is, that he is asking the impossible so that he can blame someone else when he walks away. That's my take on it anyway.

You hit the nail on the head there. He is trying to justify things instead of just admitting he's had a change of heart. It'll be easier for him to walk away if he asked one thing of her and she couldn't do it for him.

 

[dis-me]

When you love someone you don't have to test them - if you do then you have a shaky ground of trust. Also, how do you know he is "clearly a good, honest man that respects her"? He waited 14 months to tell her he was unhappy despite having been given many opportunities to come clean. He is basically giving her an ultimatum...where is the respect in that?

Good point Missy Mouse, OP - I can't promise he is a good, honest man. I do think however that he is showing more honesty than many do.
I am probably not old or experienced enough to tell you anything particularly useful. Just that you should take some solice from the fact that he did approach you, albeit at this late hour.

 

[minkydog]

The bottom line to me is, that he is asking the impossible so that he can blame someone else when he walks away. That's my take on it anyway.

And that is the mark of an immature man

 

[diznygirl]

PAW - I've copy/pasted your advice to forward on to a friend who was dumped by her fiance. It's exactly the kind of stuff she needs to hear. She keeps wondering what SHE could have done better, and what things SHE will need to do to "keep" the next one. I tell her over and over that if he loves her, then he's not going to leave for any trivial reasons - he will be with her no matter what.

OP - this is also good advice for you. Remember that you are an individual worthy of love - and not some trained monkey that has to entertain someone.

If you don't feel up to being fun, take a long walk someplace quiet and pretty and just talk. Sitting in a movie theater is NOT gonna make the relationship better. Good luck!

 

[Christine]

You know, I've been married ALL my life it seems so it's really easy for me to say this but it seems that so many young women (and some men too) are so desperate to be in a serious relationship that they will do anything to keep a mediocre relationship. It's been so long ago for me that I just don't remember how I felt as a young woman, or even if I did feel that way, but I just see this a lot.

I know someone currently that has been married almost 30 years. They and their spouse have very little in common, almost opposites, and don't spend a lot of time together. They both decided to "get married" when they did because they were ready for a family. He wanted to have children and she had already been divorced once and didn't like the single life. So she married the first guy that came along after her separation and he married the first woman that showed him an interest. They made it all work but I think both are fairly dissatisfied. OP, is this how you want to end up. Because let me tell you--it is MUCH harder to get out of a marriage 5 years down the road than it is to get out of your lease right now.

 

[KadysMom]

You know, I've been married ALL my life it seems so it's really easy for me to say this but it seems that so many young women (and some men too) are so desperate to be in a serious relationship that they will do anything to keep a mediocre relationship.

I have to disagree with this one. I am 29, and i see the opposite. I see middle aged women settling because they think that no one will come by. I work with a lady that finally married a man because he was better than nothing. She is miserable!!

But to the OP I would not want to be with someone who was not sure. I would definately give him some time to think, he might just need some time to himself...

 

[Christine]

I have to disagree with this one. I am 29, and i see the opposite. I see middle aged women settling because they think that no one will come by. I work with a lady that finally married a man because he was better than nothing. She is miserable!!

But to the OP I would not want to be with someone who was not sure. I would definately give him some time to think, he might just need some time to himself...

You're correct, I didn't word that properly. It's not "young" women and men who do this, it seems like many women and men (of all ages) do this. Just so happens that the people I've been talking to are in their mid to late-20s.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I see what Christine is saying just because I see college age kids graduating and then they think it's time to get married and have a family. To many it's the next logical step. I also see the pressure that is on some couples that are serious in college to take the "next big step," which I guess is marriage and either one or both aren't ready for this.

I also know of many middle age women that do worry that their "prince won't come." My mom is one of those people and I keep telling her that she is going to waste her life waiting on some guy to ride up on a something she'll have to clean up after

 

[Christine]

I also know of many middle age women that do worry that their "prince won't come." My mom is one of those people and I keep telling her that she is going to waste her life waiting on some guy to ride up on a something she'll have to clean up after