I can't stop crying... Update p. 12-question

[DisneyAddict_M]

Well I for one think that it's better now than later. Quite honestly if you have to work so hard on the relationship now, perhaps it's better it ends. I know marriage is a lot of work, but had I had to work thru counseling and such during the courtship, I would have probably looked elsewhere. You should not have to"fake" fun especially now that you are hurt. A good heart to heart could go along way even if it turns out not the way you would like it.
I wish you the best. Remember you are young, beautiful and you have your whole life ahead of you.

I totally agree with this. Best of luck to you!

 

[orljustin]

There is no doubt in my mind that I want to stay with him, even though I agree 100% that we need to work on things. I just hate the time frame.

As a guy talking, you need to let this one go. He's telling you that while he feels bad about it, he wants to let go, but feels constantly roped in by the questions and emotions you exhibit. Any honesty could tip you over and cause you emotional grief. Which he doesn't want, but he isn't really ready for the commitment with you. Thus the "mom" comment, since that seems so far away, it's easy to commit to at this point. So, he's afraid to tell you he wants out. But, I have a feeling you'll both be happier apart.

 

[singingpixie]

Well I for one think that it's better now than later. Quite honestly if you have to work so hard on the relationship now, perhaps it's better it ends. I know marriage is a lot of work, but had I had to work thru counseling and such during the courtship, I would have probably looked elsewhere. You should not have to"fake" fun especially now that you are hurt. A good heart to heart could go along way even if it turns out not the way you would like it.
I wish you the best. Remember you are young, beautiful and you have your whole life ahead of you.

I'm not ready to give up just yet. I'm certainly ready to stand my ground and make sure what matters to me gets seen through, but I'm not ready to say it's a wash. We've both considered ourselves married for all intents and purposes, we just haven't been in a financial place to do it the way we want to- to not have roommates and be married. If we had been, we would have gotten married. I don't want to let that be the determining factor of whether or not this is worth trying to save. It's worth giving it all we've got. I'm not saying I want to force it if it's not right, but I'm certainly not going to give up without giving it an honest shot.- to me, that honest shot starts now that he's been honest w/ where he's coming from.

 

[Jennasis]

I've got to actually get past this and actually have fun.

I see...so HE's been lying to your face for 14 MONTHS, drops a bombshell on you (even though you really saw it coming a mile away), tells you he proposed to make mom happy and cause you'd make a good mother then gives you till the end of the month to sort out the relationship, and you think YOU'VE got to "get past" it??

I am so sorry you've invested so much time in this relationship, but I think, from the info you've given, you guys need to split. I know it's harsh advice and totally not what you want to hear.

You don't need to have fun. HE needs to be a man and take responsibility for and OWN his feelings.

Good luck.

 

[singingpixie]

Thanks for all the advice so far and keep it coming, but I've got to go to bed for a bit. I'm certainly not going to function coherently with an hours sleep. Thanks.

 

[java]

Please refresh my memory. Wasn't their another issue about a month ago with him? I can't remember it but I remember thinking well better she found out now than later. Sometimes we are holding onto a dream- and all it is is a dream. What is the reality? Oh wait now I think I remember- it was him dealing with stress no? Really I know they say marriage is work, but as one married for 16 years it shouldn't be this much work even before you get married. It will all work out for the best. It always does.

 

[Steffi]

I think it's a lot of pressure on you for him to have dropped such a bomb and then left it all in your hands to be the "fun one". How could someone get news like that one day (Sorry we've been together for 14 months and we were planning to get married, but now I'm bored and you have one week to put aside any adverse feelings you have about our potentially imminent break-up to prove yourself and amuse me or it's over) and then be expected to be jolly enough to save the whole relationship?

I agree, fun in a relationship IS important. But there are times when you just don't feel fun, and your partner should be able to accept that. Sometimes my DH has to help jolly me along, sometimes we just need to spend quiet time alone together, and sometimes we need to talk, even if the subject is unpleasant. It's very unrealistic to expect a relationship to be non-stop fun...you have to pave the way for that fun with some actual work on the foundation.

Good luck to you in dealing with this. I don't know why men go on & on about how hard women are to understand; men take the cake with inexplicable behavior like this!

 

[Mrs.Toad]

 

[Trish Bessette]

I agree with many that it is time to move on.

 

[minkydog]

I'm not ready to give up just yet. I'm certainly ready to stand my ground and make sure what matters to me gets seen through, but I'm not ready to say it's a wash. We've both considered ourselves married for all intents and purposes, we just haven't been in a financial place to do it the way we want to- to not have roommates and be married. If we had been, we would have gotten married. I don't want to let that be the determining factor of whether or not this is worth trying to save. It's worth giving it all we've got. I'm not saying I want to force it if it's not right, but I'm certainly not going to give up without giving it an honest shot.- to me, that honest shot starts now that he's been honest w/ where he's coming from.

I'm sorry, but you aren't really married, you're playing house and he doesn't want to play anymore. You've been dating a man who isn't comfortable being honest with you and you are accepting this as "okay" for some reason. Be very wary of a man who will not tell you the truth. Fourteen months is a long time to be living a lie. It might be a good thing for both of you to take a step back and separate for awhile. if you can come back together with changed minds and hearts, perhaps working toward marriage would be a good idea.

You should be nervous about marrying a man who isn't 1000% head over heels crazy about you right now. In 25yrs, it's a lot harder to drum up that feeling if you never had it to start with.

 

[helenabear]

No words of advice here... just wishing you all the best I hope y'all can work through this together.

 

[mom2taylorandemily]

I am so sorry you are having to go thru this, but like others have said, its actually better to have get this all straight before you got married. I know, from experience. I should have listened to my gut the first time, it would have saved me years of pain. I am concerned for you that you are willing to allow him the right to choose. You do what you want, if want this relationship, then fight for it, but ask yourself is he going to do this everytime he gets a little stagnant in your relationship (because guess what, that happens, life is not always the honeymoon). It can have alot of honeymoon times, but the reality of life is life. It has troubles but it is the strong relationships that make it thru. Both people have to be willing to give 100%, not 50%/50%, that's only 2 people giving 50%. Marriage is hard work, and if you put kids in the mixture, that can only add to the difficulty. But it can be wonderful! My first marriage was a disaster, and I could have saved myself a ton of pain, if I had only listened to my inner voice. But thru it all, I knew deep down inside I didn't deserve what was happening to me. So, I pulled myself up, got myself together and took care of me. I got a great job, moved to a new apartment, then 2 years later, met my DH. We have been together now for 15 years (married 12) we have 2 DDs and our life is wonderful. Hard work, but wonderful. Just do what makes you happy, don't settle for what you think you deserve. Life is meant to be happy!!! Big Hugs to You!!

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

 

[budbeerlady]

First of all hugs to you.... Anyone in your situation would be upset. What your hitting is the bump of life.

Its hard to have a relationship when your tired from work, the kids are sick, you dont know what to make for dinner and the mortgage payment is coming up and your barely scraping by. But if he isnt having "fun" right now when things are okay, he really isnt going to have "Fun" when any of the above mentioned things happen!

I would second the couples counseling voice, go together and see what can be addressed.

 

[shirleyb]

Maybe instead of going out and having "fun", you guys should sit down and have a talk. No it's not fun but sometimes being in a relationship isn't fun. You need to sit down and talk about your hurts and his ideas about what he wants. You said you feel like there is a time restraint because of your lease being up. Well so what if your lease expires? You either have to be together and having fun or you break up? Maybe you need a game plan before that happens. Ask him what he considers fun and what he needs from this relationship. Explain to him that your feelings are hurt right now and fun might not come as easily to you.

If I remember correctly, aren't you planning your wedding right now with all the details? Sometimes that just comsumes the bride and maybe your sweets is feeling left out and needs some attention. Do you even want to get married soon? You mentioned that he proposed earlier than you even planned for. Maybe right now you need to postpone the wedding and work on being a couple again. Good luck and I hope it all works out.

I think Tina gave you great advice. At this point, I wouldn't worry about being "fun". You will either recapture that spark in your relationship or you won't, but it sounds like the time for a good, honest, heart to heart, put all your cards on the table. Find out what you both really want.

I've been married almost 20 years, and it isn't always "fun", but we still really enjoy spending time together, and he's probably my best friend. Sometimes I can't stand him , but all in all, we do well together, and I can't imagine being married to anyone else.

 

[KristinBelle]

I'm sorry, but you aren't really married, you're playing house and he doesn't want to play anymore. You've been dating a man who isn't comfortable being honest with you and you are accepting this as "okay" for some reason. Be very wary of a man who will not tell you the truth. Fourteen months is a long time to be living a lie. It might be a good thing for both of you to take a step back and separate for awhile. if you can come back together with changed minds and hearts, perhaps working toward marriage would be a good idea.

You should be nervous about marrying a man who isn't 1000% head over heels crazy about you right now. In 25yrs, it's a lot harder to drum up that feeling if you never had it to start with.

I agree.

 

[claudia]

I'm not ready to give up just yet. I'm certainly ready to stand my ground and make sure what matters to me gets seen through, but I'm not ready to say it's a wash. We've both considered ourselves married for all intents and purposes, we just haven't been in a financial place to do it the way we want to- to not have roommates and be married. If we had been, we would have gotten married. I don't want to let that be the determining factor of whether or not this is worth trying to save. It's worth giving it all we've got. I'm not saying I want to force it if it's not right, but I'm certainly not going to give up without giving it an honest shot.- to me, that honest shot starts now that he's been honest w/ where he's coming from.

The problem with this logic is that it sounds like he is ready to give up. orljustin gave you some sound info. I would be trying to figure out a way to change the living arrangements. It's too bad that he waited to tell you this with only a month left on the lease. But it sounds like it's time to move forward.

 

[littleteapot]

You should be nervous about marrying a man who isn't 1000% head over heels crazy about you right now. In 25yrs, it's a lot harder to drum up that feeling if you never had it to start with.

Yes! Yes! Yes!!!

 

[mom2boys]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Several red flags have gone up concerning your situation. It sounds to me like you have matured - graduated, have a job & are a responsible adult. Everything you say about your life now is the real "grown-up" world. It isn't as exciting as young adulthood. It sounds like your fiance isn't ready to be full fledged adult just yet. If he finds daily life boring now, what does he think it will be like when you are mothering his children and have even less time for him? The fact that he has placed all of this on your shoulders is another indication that he isn't ready to make a life-long committment.

The only reason he should have proposed to you is because he wants to spend the rest of his life with you -not to make his mother happy or not because he thinks you'd make a good mother. If he's that anxious to please his family, you will have a long road ahead of you.

You do need to share with him what you posted here about how this bombshell and "deadline" have thrown you for a loop. I can understand that he is unsettled about his mother's illness. However, you & any future children can't be collateral damage in his life.