Hucifer and Dan's flipping huge trip report *Last 3 days/Epilogue! 10/9, pgs 36-38*

[hucifer]

The line for Mission: Space is so long that it wraps outside of the building. Many of you are thinking, “So? I’ve seen it like that a hundred and fifty-three times.” But not I, my friend. Being childless does have its privileges at times, and we are able to go during Value Season when the parks are dead. At least, they were dead last year. This year the people showed up just to show me that I cannot control the World, no matter how hard I try.

So Chiquita leads us into the middle of the outside part of the line. We not only cut into the folks in line, we walk past them as if we’re bypassing the entire line. The folks think that we are bee lining right to the attraction…and as you can imagine, it is making them very angry. We’re not talking just Angry Eyes here people. We’re talking very un-Disney like things being said about us while we are walking past them. Not that I can blame them, but what was amusing about it was that we look like tourists: tour guide, curled nametags, know-it-all expression, and everything. So why they thought we would just cut through the entire line was beyond me.

Eventually Chiquita meanders away from the line and crawls under the guard rail. She directs us to do the same. One by one, we all limbo under the divider. How low can we go? Once we’ve escaped the Evil Eyes and mumblings from the other guests, we are led away from the line and around the building to the back. Again with the secret knock and password, and we’re led inside.

We walk through some big equipment and end up at Mission Control. It’s the room you can see to the right when you’re standing in line…the one that looks like a long control panel and has lighted displays and all kinds of buttons and knobs and such. Real people sit on the other side of the display. They look like they’re just sitting there. Well, they’re actually working. When we walked into this room, we were on the side with the workers, who were looking at night-vision images of the attraction interior on little monitors.

Chiquita tells us that the control panel had two sides to it. The side that we were on had live controls that the cast members used to monitor guests and the attraction, and to control certain features of the ride. The monitors were showing actual live video of the attraction. We were told that everything on this side controlled some technical aspect of the ride. She said that it was obviously off-limits to us and we were not to touch anything, but we were free to watch them for as long as we were in the room.

Then Chiquita says, “But the controls on the other side…the side that guests can see when they’re in line…are for display only. If you wish, feel free to push—”

It was just like a comedy routine. Dan and I didn’t even wait for her to finish her sentence. No sooner did those first few words come out of her mouth, then the two of us were leaping at the controls and had our hands all over the panel, flipping switches, pushing buttons, and turning knobs, making the display lights flick on and off and little sounds come one. We were having an absolute ball. Not one other person in our group even tempted to come over and flick a single switch. They wouldn’t be bothered with it. They were the exact opposite of me and Dan. Which was fine with us, since we had the entire display all to ourselves. And the guests in line on the other side of the glass were eyeing us, wondering what the heck we were doing.

Before I go any further, let me explain that Dan and I, as soon as the capsule doors close and the panel locks into place on this attraction, are pushing buttons and flipping levers. We like pretending that we are real astronauts getting ready for blast-off, and that pushing these buttons is crucial to the success of our mission. Sometimes when we get into a capsule with rookie MS riders, we try to make them think the button-pushing and switch-flipping is part of our responsibility. Sometimes it works too, and the guest will ask us if they should be pushing buttons too. “What do you mean, you’re not preparing for launch?” It amuses us.

So, to have this huge control panel in front of us is like waving a carrot. Dude, we are all over that like nobody’s business. The funny part to me is that no one else took Chiquita up on her offer. Perhaps they were more interested in the “real” stuff that was happening on the other side of the control panel. Fools!

While Dan and I were doing our thing for the guests in line (and the sheer delight of ourselves), Chiquita said that we were allowed to ask the cast members anything we wanted. I looked up from the lighted display and asked if there were any Hidden Mickeys around. A female cast member said that the monitor above our heads (that showed fake attraction stuff) showed one. I think it was one of the craters on Mars that formed a classic Mickey.

Not too many people asked questions. Since no one else had much to offer, Chiquita let Dan and I play for a few minutes longer before she told us it was time to leave. Pouting, Dan and I flipped our last switches and turned our last knob before tearfully leaving the control panel and thanking the cast members for letting us have our fun.

I was hoping that our tour of the Mission: Space building would end with a “follow me to a space capsule for our own private trip to Mars,” but no such luck there.

Instead, we were led outside and to Test Track.

Again we were led around the back of the building and to a private “Cast Members Only” entrance. Chiquita does her secret knock thing and while we were waiting for someone to let us in, the TT cars zoomed over our heads and violently vibrated the support beam that we were standing next to. A gentle reminder of which attraction we were standing next to.

A male cast member finally opened the door and escorted us in. We were led to the room where everyone gets in and out of the cars, except behind all that. We were actually behind the rooms where they watch the video. But we had a clear shot of the cars coming into the loading area.

Next to us was half of a TT car. The cast member told us this is where handicapped folks can practice getting in and out of the car. If they can be seated within a certain timeframe (like under 1.5 minutes or something like that), then they were allowed to ride. He mentioned a few other things about the attraction and WHAM BAM, THANK YOU MA’AM…next thing we know, we’re being escorted out of the building.

Did I miss something? Is that it for our Test Track backstage magic? Well, at least we got to go inside. We barely glanced at Universe of Energy, let alone acknowledge that Wonders of Life pavilion even existed.

I was hoping that our tour of Test Track would at least end with a “follow me to the cars for our own private ride,” but no such luck there. Come ON, you’ve got some major making up to do, Chiquita. Aren’t we going to at least ride something? Dang.

I lost count. What is this, like strike eight or something?

We are thrown back outside where Test Track cars continue to scream over our heads. Chiquita leads us around the back, where we are getting further from the onstage area.

Finally! Real backstage stuff! But don’t worry, I’m not expecting any color-making machines or dancing workers anymore. No, I left that dream behind days ago.

Now we’re behind TT in the backstage area. Chiquita reminds us absolutely no photos are allowed backstage. As we continue walking, Dan asks about the group of cars that are lined up near the TT track. Chiquita obviously doesn’t seem to know and pulls any answer out of her head… “Those cars are there…um…for backup purposes, yeah, that’s it. In case they want to show a different one in the showcase area of TT.” Later Dan and I realized that they are on display simply for the ride. Just as you zoom around the bend outside, there they are begging for your dollars. Buy me.

Then Chiquita points to a building very close to us. “That’s the Mexican pavilion. You can see how close everything is backstage.” She wasn’t kidding. From back here, TT and the Mexican pavilion were mere feet from each other.

Then we are led to a big pond where the Illuminations barges and giant globe are floating. They look pretty burned and blackened to me, but apparently they were fine because Chiquita never drew attention to their appearance. She pulled out her index cards again and rattled on about Illuminations storyline and stuff.

Shortly after, we walk to a trailer that is parked behind some of the pavilions. Inside, there are a group of folding tables set up like a giant box, so that everyone could be seated and stare at each other easily. Chiquita introduces us to an International Cast Member, a hot German employee (sorry, cannot remember his name, so let’s call him Otto). She says he is there to answer our questions, and quickly leaves the trailer as if she had more important things to do than hear our stupid questions to the hot German dude.

Otto is a young college-aged man. He’s wearing his onstage uniform and he looks fantastic in it. He sits down and waits for us to say something. In turn, we are stare back at him and say nothing. This went on for several minutes and was very awkward, to say the least.

Uh…Chiquita? This isn’t working out so good…please come back and finish your job.

Finally, “Does anyone have any questions?” Otto anxiously looks around the room. He is clearly as uncomfortable as we are.

Again, no one says anything. Wow. Glad we paid big money for this tour.

But mercifully, someone breaks the ice and asks about how he got his job. Fortunately, that unleashed all kinds of information from Otto. In his sexy German accent, he talked about the WDW program and how WDW folks go to different countries and recruit people. He talked about the interview process, the hiring process, and how fortunate he was to be able to return for a second rotation. Once someone asked the right question, I realized he was more than eye candy. He was a wealth of information about the foreign program. He was hot, sexy, and interesting. AND he did it all without index cards. Maybe he could be our tour guide.

But no. Eventually, our sniffling, index cards-toting Chiquita returns and tears us away from the sexy young Otto.

She leads us to a door and bammo-presto, we’re inside the gift shop in the China pavilion. Chiquita is all too happy to say that this is the end of the tour. Although we are given souvenir UnDISCOVERed Future World pins, Dan still feels the need to confirm that yes, we can indeed keep our curling nametags.

But, this tour isn’t a complete bust. Although we didn’t experience any attractions or get to do anything cool (outside of pushing fake buttons in Mission Space), we are told that for being such good little guests, we have a special viewing spot for Illuminations tonight just for us in front of the Italy pavilion. All we need to do is give our names, give the secret handshake, and we’re the envy of all those guests behind us. Suckers!

Oh, and that’s not all. We are also given a whole twenty-percent discount for lunch at the Chinese restaurant! Whoo HOO!



Next installment: Part 5. You’re not a real Cast Member, are you?

 

[sheridac]

Like most women, I am attracted to all things sparkling and brilliant. Short-term memory takes a backseat to curiosity…I am temporarily hypnotized by pretty things.

Which is why you're soooo fond of moi!!!!

Dan looked down at me and said, “ALRIGHT, Hermione. Are you going to answer all of her questions?”

Hey!!! Nobody likes a smartask!!!!

Nice one, lady. Is it a personal goal of yours to spread this cold throughout WDW? At least it wasn’t on my face this time.[/uote]
I WONDERED why we all came back with colds!!!!!

But those of you in the know like I am…those of you who think back and remember a time when Figment was created by Dreamfinder and Journey Into Imagination was a sweet and memorable attraction…and there was the rainbow tunnel and the pin cushion tables…and that wonderful little tune. Ah, sweet sweet memories.

I do!!! I do!!!!

the rainbow tunnel, a Figment cutout, and a lonely pin cushion table still remained. It was a sad and tired reminder of yesteryear… just a few ghosts of the old attraction were left to haunt this dreary floor.

Way to go Wendy!!! Now you made me sad!!!!! Boo you!!!

Once a village idiot, always a village idiot.

Uuum You do know he's YOUR village idiot, right??

 

[hucifer]

So we all go our separate ways as if we never want to see each other again (although we would see a majority of these people at Illuminations tonight). Some went to take advantage of the Nine Dragons’ discount. Others went off to see attractions. Dan and I decided to go eat somewhere else for a twenty-percent discount (don’t forget we’re bearing those Disney Dining Experience cards).

Biergarten it is! After Dan has his flesh-infested meal, we decide to explore a bit of World Showcase. I have never seen the France movie, so we head there next. Once in France, Dan leaves me momentarily for his vile habit. I begin to explore the pavilion a little, admiring the little garden and greenery. Soon I am approached by a woman. “Can you tell me where the French movie is being shown?”

Like a well-trained seal, I immediately go into Fake CM mode. “Why yes, ma’am. It’s right through those doors.” I give her a bright smile.

The lady thanks me. I know she’s dying to tell me I’m like the best fake CM EVER, but instead of embarrassing the other CMs, she silently leads her family into the theatre.

So Dan eventually catches up with me and we walk into the theatre together. The CMs inside apologize, say that they are having technical difficulties, and say that they do not know when the next movie will be shown.

So much for being the best fake CM ever.

I know the picture is blurry, but here I am, pretending to give my Pal a drink. Check out the dude's expression behind me. He's clearly freaked out.


So instead we run over to Future World and hit – what else? – Test Track. And yeah, we’re single again because the standby line was…well, it was flipping huge is what it was. And the singles line was so short (how short was it?), it was so short that we rode twice in a row without stopping. That’s short, my friends. Dan and I can’t ride together? Meh. I’m spending 23 hours a day with this man anyway (give or take an hour for cigarette breaks), I can handle spending eight minutes without him on Test Track. Besides, it’s fun to see how far his finger went up his nose THIS time.

Mission Space? Not quite the same as TT. While the standby line was predictable long, the singles line didn’t make up for it. So we skipped it.

Over to Soarin’. 70-minute wait one minute, 120-minute wait the next. Holy cow! Tell me again why we came in October?

Outside of Soarin’, Dan needs to inhale more carcinogens so I take the opportunity to sit down and jot some notes.

Now listen folks, by now you’re probably wondering…why is Day 9 so incredibly long and detailed? Or many of you may describe it as long-winded. In any case, it’s because by Day 9 I finally decided that WAY too many things happen in one day to remember them in the evening back in the resort. You think you’ll remember things, but you don’t. You would be surprised just how many delicious details you miss when you wait until the end of the day to write all of it down. I would be in bed with my pen and saying, “Now something really silly happened to you involving a chair and a pair of goggles, but for the life of me I cannot remember exactly what.”

So to solve that problem and to answer your question…it’s because I finally grabbed a single sheet of paper and a pen and shoved them inside my hideous, fashion-unconscious waist pack. Throughout the day as we had mini breaks like these, I pulled out my notes and jotted away. And wow, the things I remembered to tell then!

So anyway, I’m seated and writing and wearing my fake CM name tag. The tag part is important. Because someone walked by me in mid-writing and asked if I was counting guests. Without looking up, I told him he was number 348,004 that day. I’m sure he almost stopped to tell me that I was the funniest CM EVER.

Dan and I putted around a bit until the inevitable question was asked…

“Where do we eat for dinner?”

The ADR board at Guest relations showed that *gasp* just about every restaurant in Epcot was booked that evening!

Dan turned to me. “You wanted to try Coral Reef, didn’t you?”

Uh boy, here we go. There’s no stopping Dan once his mind is made up. And I was in no mood for counter-service food, either. So we walked over to the Living Seas pavilion. I told Dan emphatically that I would wait outside. I was in no mood to fake a you-lost-our-reservation? expression.

I waited outside, staring at the menu that was posted on the wall. A female guest came around the corner, looking tired and lost. Then she spots me standing there and immediately walks up to me. “Excuse me,” she says. “Can you please tell me where Soarin’ is? I cannot find it!”

Wendy, Fake CM Extraordinaire, reporting for duty, ma’am!

“You’re not too far from it,” I laughed. She looked as though she had been looking all afternoon. “It’s just the next pavilion over. It’s in the Land, right in the basement. You can’t miss it. Look for the gazillion people.”

She looked relieved. “Thank you so much!” She said. She starts to walk away. I’m thinking that I’m in the clear until…

“You’re not really a cast member, are you?” She turned around and lifted an eyebrow. Busted!

“Uhh…no.”

“Well,” she says happily. “You’re more helpful than most of them, anyway. Thanks again!” And she went around the corner and skipped merrily to the Land.

Dan came out just then. “They didn’t find our reservations, but we’ll be seated soon anyway.”

“Is it just as sparkly and pretty as it was earlier today?”

“What?”

“Can we wait inside then? Before more people bust me for being a fake?”

We walk inside and I try very hard to avoid eye contact with the hostesses. By now you’d think that the computer would alert anyone typing Dan’s name that he is someone who’s been trying to pass off bum reservations all over town and to turn him away at the door.

So there’s me…fake cast member on the outside. And then there’s Dan…fake reservationist on the inside.

By now you’re wondering if we have any redeeming qualities. Or perhaps you wonder if I embellish everything just to write an interesting trip report. Surely, you’re thinking, Dan and Wendy can’t really get into THAT much mischief! But oh yes, my friend, we really are this way in real life. Embellishments are hardly necessary to make our trips more interesting. Our adventures are interesting enough on their own.

So we’re waiting inside the beautiful Coral Reef waiting area, we illegal guests, awaiting to be seated to our illegal table and eat our illegal food. And no one else is none the wiser.

Ah, my boy. So innocent and sweet. Would never even think to fake a reservation.


Including Carroll, our host. He is one of those amazingly spirited CMs that you talk about when you get home. He was absolutely wonderful! Chatted with us as if we were his best friends, all the way to our illegal table, treating us like we belonged there. I almost felt guilty enough to raise my hands and say, “Enough with this! We don’t deserve to be treated this way! We’re terrible, horrible people.”

But nah, I enjoyed the moment and let Carroll be as nice to us as he wanted.

If you remember the illegal California Grill meal, we were seated at the window, overlooking the bay. And where do naughty, bad guests sit when they fake reservations at the Coral Reef? Why, right in front of the aquarium, of course!

Dan shows me what's in the aquarium and on the menu today.


By now you’re thinking, these people are awful! They deserve crappy service for their tomfoolery! And your wish would be granted. Enter our waiter, who we shall call Bob. Bob wasn’t horrible, but he didn’t match the welcoming, friendly nature of Carroll, nor did he match the unbelievable table spot. He was bleh. No matter, I ignore the vegetarian dish and order the salmon. I figure the seafood has to be da bomb in this restaurant, no?

It was very good, but actually Artist Pointe makes a better salmon dinner. FYI, folks.

Only the naughtiest of guests deserve a view like this.


During dinner, Dan complained about his face hurting. Wouldn’t you know it? He still had tiny pinhole marks in his face from this morning. What a buffoon.

After our illegal dinner, we headed out toward World Showcase and poked around until it was time for Illuminations. Chiquita did not lie, there was a little roped-off area in front of the Italy pavilion. We gave them the secret password and they lifted the ropes for us. You just feel the desperation of the folks behind us, eagerly wanting to storm the ropes and get inside too. But no, we paid extra for this! I mean, we didn’t even get front-of-the-line privileges for the extra cash we spent on this tour. So BACK OFF!

It proved to be an excellent viewing area. Ah, to be treated like the gods we always knew we were…finally…

After Illuminations, we packed it up and shuffled out of Epcot with the rest of the yahoos, like cattle to the ranch. Mooooooo…



Next installment: Day 10. Everybody’s Doing the Segway Shuffle

 

[bratus913]

Too bad you don't know about the power of the mad skillz t-shirt. I know your sister does!!!!

Surely Do!!

 

[sheridac]

I cannot control the World, no matter how hard I try.

No. I do!! Bwahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

Not one other person in our group even tempted to come over and flick a single switch. They wouldn’t be bothered with it. They were the exact opposite of me and Dan.

Some people just suck!!

The funny part to me is that no one else took Chiquita up on her offer. Perhaps they were more interested in the “real” stuff that was happening on the other side of the control panel. Fools!

Please see above comment!!

I was hoping that our tour of the Mission: Space building would end with a “follow me to a space capsule for our own private trip to Mars,” but no such luck there.

Again, I refer to the power of the tee!!!!!

Did I miss something? Is that it for our Test Track backstage magic? Well, at least we got to go inside. We barely glanced at Universe of Energy, let alone acknowledge that Wonders of Life pavilion even existed.

I was hoping that our tour of Test Track would at least end with a “follow me to the cars for our own private ride,” but no such luck there. Come ON, you’ve got some major making up to do, Chiquita. Aren’t we going to at least ride something? Dang.

Again. Power, tee!!!!

He was hot, sexy, and interesting.

See??? He knows about the power!!!!

 

[sheridac]

Aaaahhh!!!!! MY EYES!!! What's THAT??? AAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So instead we run over to Future World and hit – what else? – Test Track. And yeah, we’re single again because the standby line was…well, it was flipping huge is what it was. And the singles line was so short (how short was it?), it was so short that we rode twice in a row without stopping. That’s short, my friends. Dan and I can’t ride together? Meh. I’m spending 23 hours a day with this man anyway (give or take an hour for cigarette breaks), I can handle spending eight minutes without him on Test Track. Besides, it’s fun to see how far his finger went up his nose THIS time.

I TOTALLY agree!! The single rider line ROCKS!!!

Dan came out just then. “They didn’t find our reservations, but we’ll be seated soon anyway.”

Bwahahaha!!!

“Is it just as sparkly and pretty as it was earlier today?”

Yes. I am. Thank you for asking!!

And where do naughty, bad guests sit at the Coral Reef? Why, right in front of the aquarium, of course!

Hey!! I know you will not be ONE BIT surprised to learn my table was right in front of the aquarium too!!!

 

[Cass]

Wow hucifer we wernt from famine to feast with your reports today, kinda like dan getting a reservation at a prime TS restaurant, at will.

A big ewwww to getting spat on by your infected tour guide.

The VIP viewing area at illuminations, it is all standing? or can you sit somewhere?

You are definately the best fake/funniest/most helpful non-CM at WDW

 

[aGoofyMom]

I am back to work after a business trip & here's Hucifer's many updates to catch up on! I love working long weekends with this much reading to catch up on.

What can I say - I don't even remember how many installments I just read...



And a special big ICK for Chiquita - eeeewwww!

and for all things/girls sparkly & shiny

 

[hucifer]

Sheri, Cass, and aGoofyMom, thanks for the hilarious responses! Cass, there was some seating available at our private viewing area, but not much.

Since I'm on a roll, and since there are 4 short days until my next trip, I give you Day 10...

 

[hucifer]

This report comes with yet another warning.

Dan and I took the Segway tour. I go into some details about it, so if spoilers aren’t your thing, you may want to skip to Part 4. If you can stand to miss the hilarity, that is. And let me tell you, there’s stuff in here Dan begged me not to write about…

Part 1. Why is the monorail stopping? We’re LATE!

Well, here it is. The last full day of our vacation. One would think we would be all sad and everything like last time, but honestly…this has been one exhausting trip. Unlike two years ago, this time we had a constant and tiresome battle with the crowds and the weather. We were so over it.

Alarm wakes us at 5:45 this morning. We need to be at Epcot early for our tour, and this is a good time to get started. I eat a bowl of Froot Loops in the room, which proves to be another great time-saver. I know it can take about 45 minutes to get to Epcot, so I had made sure we got to the Poly in plenty of time. And we get out the door and arrive at the Poly monorail early.

Oh my, this morning is going so smoothly!

And we wait for the monorail. And wait. It is taking for-ever. And I keep hearing the friendly CM on the other end of the phone when I made these reservations months ago…“Make sure you arrive at least thirty minutes before the tour begins…”

Which doesn’t help my stress level any.

Mercifully, the monorail shows up and Dan and I climb aboard. It didn’t matter that I threw Dan on-board in record time, we were sitting there at the Poly for a good five minutes until the doors closed and it finally started rolling forward.

Arriving at the TTC proved to test my patience again. Again we sat and waited an eternity before finally moving forward to our final destination. Finally, I’m a little more relaxed because I know there are no more stops before we get there…right?

Eventually the Big Ball comes into view. The monorail winds its way around it…and gets about ¾ of the way around…and starts slowing down. Way down.

And then comes to a complete stop. Right in the middle of the track. All I know is that the only thing that could make this worse is if we started going backwards.

We literally sat on that track for ten minutes. With no plausible explanation. With no friendly voice on the speaker telling us why. I couldn’t even force the doors open and jump out. What the heck was going on? Was someone else getting the privilege of snapping a photo of the ball? Did they really need ten minutes?

After an eternity of madness and stress, eventually the monorail slowly moved forward and stopped at the Epcot station. I told Dan that we were mega late and had to move it move it once those doors opened. I didn’t pay money for a tour we weren’t going to take.

So the doors open and BAM! I’m running down the ramp like a crazy homeless woman getting to a Kmart blue-light special. Meanwhile, Dan is walking (READ: walking!) down the ramp as if he didn’t pay for the tour.

Oh that’s right…he didn’t pay for the tour. I did.

Now the Angry Eyes come out. Big time. “Hurry UP!” I snarl and almost add, “Pinhead” but decided against it. Yes, I really can be rational, even at times of high stress.



Next installment: Part 2. Dan’s Evel Knievel impersonation

 

[hucifer]

So Dan and I show up officially LATE. And all that time, all that stress, all those Angry Eyes…and we still had to wait at Guest Relations. Not much, mind you, but there still was some waiting. Which was way better than losing tour privileges after you pay for it.

So our female tour guides round us up at Guest Relations and tell us to slap on our paper nametags and follow them to the Innovations building, where we will be getting our instructional part of the tour. Why, do you ask, do we need instructions for the tour? Well, if you read the Day’s title, you probably figured out that we were embarking on the Segway Tour. Or, more appropriately called Around the World on a Segue for you purists out there.

We walk into Innovations and are told to wait in the hallway in front of the restrooms. As we stand there, a male custodian walks out of one of the restrooms. He has a yellow lanyard on his waist and a row of pins on it. I guess seeing this manly custodian fix-it dude with a bunch of trading pins was funny enough to me. But then Dan spots…wouldn’t you know it? A friggin’ Roo pin on his lanyard. Dan is moving to grab one of his trade-up pins, but I smack his hand. “Don’t you have enough Roo pins?” I ask him. “Save that one for a little kid who’s actually looking for him!”

Dan considers what I say for a moment, then pouts. He buries his hands in his pockets and mumbles something about me being the worst wife ever. The custodian dude walks away and the Roo pin leaves our sight forever.

Soon afterward, the guides lead us to a room up at the left. Inside the room are about 12 Segways all lined up against a wall. In the front of the room are chairs. We are told to take a seat.

For the life of me, I cannot remember our tour guides’ names. But they were fantastic. So for the sake of confusion, let’s call them TG1 and TG2. Doesn’t do any justice to their individual styles of guiding, and for that I apologize.

Once we are seated, TG1 plays a short video of Segway safety. Uhh…I think by now Dan is on to what we’re doing. He isn’t saying much, though. So we see this lovely little film about Segway safety and how not wearing a helmet and improper usage can lead to terrible accidents of death, loss of limbs, and mutilation and stuff. Next we pick out our helmets. I always go for peanut size or smaller with anything head-related because I have a freakishly small head. The opposite of Elaine. She’s a walking candy apple and I’m the Eiffel Tower, if you will. The same size helmet on a normal person’s head would look perfectly fine. But my head looks like it’s getting swallowed up. So I have limited headgear options. Why this is important to add is because soon you will be seeing a picture of me in my oversized safety gear and I feel the need to explain why I look so hideous.

Now that we know all about the horrific outcomes of misusing our equipment, we are told to pick a potentially deadly Segway that is lined up against the wall. We are taught how to walk with it and get behind it. Because of its hundreds of microsensors, it has the ability to figure out where we want to go without us saying a darn word. But that is intimidating to me because no machine should be able to read your mind. It’s freaky enough when Dan does it.

So we each are standing behind these bad boys and feeling the power of the whirring engine and the delicateness of the sensors. And we’re told to be careful, these things could back up into your shins if you lean it backward. So hold it straight up or you’ll be howling in pain. Then we’re told to hop on. Uh boy.

Certainly this was one of the most intimidating parts of the experience. The two instructors walked around and guided us through this process. They were very patient. I waited until TG2 was next to me before I even attempted this. She coached me as I lifted one foot, then the other on this beast. Once I was on, she openly praised me. The hard part was over. Of course, as soon as you get on, you’re still getting your bearings, wiggling around to get comfortable as the Segway moves frontward and back, listening to your body perfectly…even if your mind wants it to stay perfectly still.

Once we were all standing on the Segways, all of us were doing that back-and-front thing, desperately trying to tell our bodies to stop moving so that the thing would stop moving. The guides laughed and called it The Segway Shuffle. I will tell you right now, that even two hours later I could not master standing still, and that the Segway Shuffle was an unfortunate consequence of my uneven and insecure stance.

And then we had graduated from Standing on Your Segway 101 and were told to…gulp! move forward and stop. This absolutely terrified me. I s-l-o-w-l-y leaned forward and my Segway zoomed up. I immediately leaned back to slow it down, almost jumping off of it. But by now I know that jumping off is a bad idea because that’s how you get your 10-pound shins slammed by a 120-pound machine. So instead, I lean ever-so-slightly forward, then ease back. It was my way of going forward. Go, stop, go, stop.

Once we all mastered going to the one side of the room, we were told to turn around (this being one of the easiest moves to perform, actually since it’s nothing but a turn of the handle). Then we were told to go back. So that was our first move. Now we had to glide back to the other side in our little rows. It didn’t take long to get more comfortable with this action. I did notice that Dan became almost instantly relaxed with his Segway. He zoomed forward with all the ease of a pro, then stopped slowly. He was really good. It made me really mad.

When we all graduated from Moving Your Segway to One Side of the Room 101, the guides put up little cones in front of our rows. We had to move around the cones without smashing them. So I did the go, stop, turn the handle, go, stop, turn the handle…little by little I became better at maneuvering around the cones, as did everyone else. Dan, I noticed, was practically flying around the cones.

Everything was going so smoothly, if not slowly. I was in my own little world, tongue out of my mouth, brow furrowed, desperately focusing so hard on those little orange cones and desperate to successfully move my Segway around the barriers. Until suddenly…

Whiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…BANG! Whiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….

We all stopped our Segways. I look over to my left. Dan had inadvertently zoomed his Segway right into a stair pole railing. His body was halfway over the rail, the Segway was on only one of its wheels, the other wheel was whirring madly into the air, as if it was desperate to leave the scene of the accident.

I couldn’t help it. I started giggling like a schoolgirl. Here are the rest of us, moving about in a trepid manner at best, in fear of killing ourselves with these vehicles. I mean, hey…we all saw the video. We know what deathmobiles these things can be. And then there’s my husband, King of the Fearless, who gets almost instantly comfortable with a machine that he never met before…and crashes it into a pole.

The guides rush over to help Dan. He eases his grip so that the wheels stop spinning and lets the Segway gently ease back on the floor. He told the guides that suddenly he thought he was on a motorcycle and meant to hit the brakes. What he did, however, was hit the left turn handle and rammed himself into an immovable obstacle. Once he was righted back on the Segway, he looks over at me and dares to ask me this:

“You’re not going to put this in the trip report, are you?”

“Oh sweetheart, this is gold. There is no way I wouldn’t put it in my trip report.”

Yes, I’m evil. Evil to the core. Here is my wonderful husband of six years begging me to be kind, for once show him a little mercy. But I risk our marriage and his embarrassment for the sake of a few laughs on an anonymous message board.

Yep, I’m a horrible person. Sue me.

Once Dan’s heart rate is back to normal, he’s back around the orange cones. This time, I noticed, he was a bit more cautious. The goof.

So we all graduate from Moving Your Segway Around Little Orange Cones 101. Dan got a D+, but did manage to pass. We are told to line back up next to the wall and move around in a circle around the room, following each other. This by now was a pretty basic move, however now we have the extra danger of smashing into the dude in front of us, or getting rear-ended by overachievers named Dan behind you. I did notice that people kept their distance from Mr. Evel Knievel.

Soon enough we graduated from Zooming Around the Room Without Hitting Other Riders 101. The guides noticed our improvement and told us it was time to take on a new challenge, riding on uneven surfaces. We had to zoom up and down a ramp. We were told to take it slowly, that moving our Segways on uphill or downhill surfaces can be tricky. Heeding her advice, one by one we inched our Segways up and down the ramp, getting familiar with how to adjust our speed without panicking and falling off the deadly thing.

Call it Graduation Day! We passed the entire course, Using Your Segway Without Destroying Property or Killing Yourself/Others 101. Dan got a D-. Now we were ready to tackle…gulp! The outdoors.

Fortunately, this is before Epcot opens. We get to ride around World Showcase well before any non-Segway guests arrive. This is good news for Wendy.

So the guides line us up. TG1 is in front of the line, and TG2 is following up on the rear to make sure no one steers their machines into a body of water, or tries to take it out of the park. Off we go, into the WIDE OPEN OUTSIDE…hold on to your children and railings folks, cuz Dan is loose!



Next installment: Part 3. Around the World and over railings

 

[hucifer]

First we zoom over to the Mexican Pavilion. Once we’re out here, I notice, it does sort of become second-nature, you can see how little you realize that when you will your body to move forward, so does the Segway, because you’re not conscious of that slight leaning that your body is doing. Fascinating crap, this technology.

We zoom around the pavilion awhile and then head over to China. Now, China is a little trickier because, even if there aren’t any other guests around, there’s lots of obstacles and inclines and declines. But were we worried? Nah! We graduated, remember? (Well, okay, I was still a little on the petrified side. TG2 looked at me at one point around China and told me I had a “look of sheer terror on my face.” I guess I never got THAT comfortable with my Vehicle of Death.)

So we continue to segue around the World. Little by little, I started gaining more confidence, although I retained the Look of Terror the entire time. It remained relatively incident-free until we got to Germany. We were riding over the little bridge on the other side of the train area. I felt as though I was traveling too fast, so I decided to slow down a bit. This is where instinct let my brain take over. For some reason, I pulled a Dan and turned the handle. I guess I panicked too. Because the next thing I know, I am heading right for the railing. Somehow my instinct took back over and I managed to swerve my Segway away from the railing just before impact. I was going so fast, I was almost sure I would have ended up in the train yard! TG2 saw my little move and called it a “close call.” My heart was pounding pretty fast and the ever-present Sheer Look of Terror look etched itself even deeper into my face.

Tragedy evaded, we continue to meander in and around the countries. We finally stopped at Italy for a break.

It's true, we really did take the Segway tour. And it's true that I have a freakishly small head.


We had the choice to get off and walk around, or continue to zip around the area. Dan climbed off to take a few pictures. To be honest, I was petrified of getting off and back on this thing. So I stayed on the contraption and continued to zoom around Italy while Dan snapped his shots.

Doing my best to hide the Sheer Look of Terror.

About fifteen minutes later, TG1 and 2 announced that it was time to head back to Innoventions. Playtime with the Segways was over. That in itself was fine with me, but what terrified me is that Future World was now open and swarming with guests. Talk about stress…I had serious performance anxiety. What if I panicked again and accidentally aimed my Deathmobile into a gaggle of children? I’ll never forgive myself!

Why do families of four feel like they must all walk together across the entire path? I’m practically screaming, “Out of my way! I can’t control this thing and if you don’t split up, you’re all going to DIE!”

Oh, and did I mention that it started raining? That’s right. Machines of Death, unobservant guests, rookie riders, and wet surfaces. Not a pretty combination, my friends.

Somehow we all managed to get back to Innovations without incident…no hitting or killing anyone. By that time, I was anxious to get off of the Segway once and for all. Yeah, it was fun and all, but I definitely need to be more comfortable before I tackle crowds and tight spaces and bridges.

We glide back inside the building and one by one climb off of our Deathmobiles and took off our hair-crushing helmets. The tour guides told us that if we leave the paper nametags on, we’ll be asked questions all day about where things are. You mean, guests are that dumb? I couldn’t believe they fell for our cheap gold engraved ones…but the paper ones that curl in the corners? You’ve got to be kidding me, ladies. Dan pointed at his gold one and told them we get it all the time, anyway.

We all went our separate ways. Dan turned to me and told me something that I was expecting: despite his little mishap in the beginning, it was his favorite tour. As you can all imagine, it wasn’t mine. Ah well, we can’t all love the same things, right?

Dan and I decide that Test Track is next on the to-do list. Because Soarin’ was 80 minutes. Before we hop into the Singles line, however, Dan says he has to go to the bathroom. Now, as a side note (my tribute to DisUnc), you must know that Dan has the bladder the size of Texas. Like a camel who can go for days without water, Dan can go for hours and hours without going to the restroom, no matter how much he’s had to drink. So when he says he has to go, he really has to go.

However, I somehow convince Dan that first we hop on Test Track, then he can relieve himself once we’re off. Not sure why he agreed to that, but he did.

So we’re in the Singles line (after zooming past a million stand-by goofballs), and we find ourselves behind a gentleman who truly is riding alone. He turns to us and told us he wishes he would have seen this line earlier, because he waited an hour in the stand-by line the last time. We almost laughed – amateur! – but had to admit that at least he figured it out at all. Poor guy wasted all that time.

Ten minutes later and we’re in our separate cars. Dan is in the car in front of me. The ride begins and we’re test-riding the brakes and the steering. When all of a sudden…

Well, you know. Test Track breaks down like eight times an hour. Our chances were pretty good that we would be stuck in the middle of it all. And we were. The vehicles all stop, the lights come on and there we sit. So I decide to pass the time by talking to the family next to me. They were pretty new to Disney World and were really enjoying TT before the breakdown. A few minutes later, the cars start back up, the lights dim, and we’re on our way.

For a minute, at least. And then the vehicles all stop and the lights come back on. This time the breakdown was serious. I looked at my watch and saw a good eight minutes go by. I laughed and told my fellow passengers that my husband was in the car in front of us and crossing his legs so hard, he was probably cutting off circulation to his brain. I tried to imagine the personal torture he was experiencing, with nothing to focus on but his overfull bladder. Then I laughed at his expense for the second time today.

Yeah, I’m evil. You would think I planned the whole thing.

Finally, the lights dimmed down again and we were on our way. Fortunately for Dan, that was the last breakdown. Once he was out of the car, he was racing to the next restroom. My poor baby.



Next installment: Part 4. Idiots Extraordinaires’ great return

 

[hucifer]

We’ve had our fun at Epcot today. We have some shopping to do at Downtown Disney, or some family member back home will have our heads on a plate. So we head to the busses.

Did I mention that the Epcot busses don’t take you to DD? Well, that’s because we didn’t know that. We walked all the way down to the end of the row of busses to find a CM to ask him, to have him tell us no go. So we walk all the way back to the entrance and climb on the monorail. We get off at the TTC and figure we can catch something there. So we spot the SoG bus.

The friendly SoG bus driver tells us the DD bus was behind him, and to take that one. So we walk all the way down to the bus behind it and find out that this bus driver wasn’t as friendly, nor as helpful. We looked up at him and asked if it goes to DD. Without looking back at us he grumbled that DD isn’t a drop-off point, but we could still get there. Unsure if we were doing the right thing, we climbed aboard and sat in the front, thousands of tiny questions marks floating above our head. The bus driver never made eye contact with any of the guests, and practically snarled when someone entered the bus and dared to greet him.

We had to do it. You know we had to.

“There’s a great big beautiful tomorrow!” we started singing loudly. “Shining at the end of every day!” In your face, Crabby Bus Driver! Here’s some Disney magic for you…I hope you choke on it.

A few minutes later, Crabby Bus Driver closed the door and went on his way. We reached the DD area, but he was headed for the hotels instead DD itself. He stopped the bus at the Hilton and turned around and actually made eye contact with us. “You can walk to DD from here,” he said almost pleasantly.

I would say our little song worked.

We thanked him and climbed out. The walk to DD was still a bit long, but it got us there, nonetheless. Who would have known that getting to DD in the middle of the day, just using Disney’s transportation, would be so darn difficult?

By this time it was lunchtime. I wanted to try the Earl of Sandwich, but when we opened the door, it took our breath away.

No, not the aroma of delicious foodstuff. I’m talking about that hideous, freakishly long line to order the food. If memory serves me correctly, I thought I remember seeing a 60-minute wait sign. What is this, Soarin’? Do people think they’re at Epcot or something?

Dan said, “No way in hell.” and walked out. He’s had enough of the lines, apparently.

So we walked to Old Reliable…Wolfgang Pucks for some delicious Margherita pizza. I told Dan I would split it with him, but some evil something took over my body and forced me to eat the whole thing. Ah, Dan wasn’t that hungry, anyway.

After lunch, Dan and I hop from shop to shop. In one of the houseware shops, Dan spots…another Roo pin. This man is unstoppable! Instead of trading with her, he just chalks it up to another success. He finds one on the first day, he finds one on the last day, and almost every other day in between.

We buy our souvenirs and decide it’s time to hit our last park of the trip. Again, easier thought than accomplished.

We walk over to the bus station and guess what? They’re all for resorts. Bah! So we pick a resort bus and get in. At least, we know we can catch a park bus at one of the resorts.

We get in the bus and slump into our seats.

We are alone on the bus, save for one woman who is sitting across from us. It would have been an enjoyable ride if she hadn’t been snapping her frigging gum the entire time. Grrrrrrr….

On the way, I ask Dan which park he wants to hit. His answer didn’t surprise me. “MGM,” he says. “Rock n’ Roller Coaster—”

“—is your favorite ride. I know, I know.”

I don’t even remember which resort bus we took, all I know is that once it dropped us off, we immediately turned around and waited for the MGM bus.

“You’re killing me, Wendy,” Dan says breathlessly. “I can’t handle your vacations.”

“Well, it’s almost over,” I said.

“Thank God.”

When we got to MGM, the Motor Stars and Cars parade was heading down Hollywood Boulevard. So we stopped and watched it. I guess we didn’t have a choice, anyway. Once the parade was over, we bee-lined for RNRC.

On the way, we were stopped by a couple. No, they didn’t want to know where Tower of Terror was. The man wanted to know where we got our nametags. We actually ran into guests who knew we were guests! Since Dan had no clue (he was smoking when I bought them), I told the man it was right around the corner and that they do free engraving. The couple thanked us and departed.

So we’re on our way to RNRC…and once again we’re stopped. This time by a CM. Who’s giving out Fastpasses for RNRC. For right now. We thank her and zoom to the attraction. Once we were off of it, we’re back in line again. I mean, it was all for Dan. Since it’s his favorite ride and all. And for putting up with my evil antics.

After that, we needed a rest. We bought a couple of lemonades from a stand down Sunset Boulevard and sat down to empty them. And take a few pictures.

Wish they would look at you like that ALL the time.

Yes, this is a completely posed shot.


We have our fun at MGM…until dinnertime. That’s right. You guessed it. We have no reservations anywhere and I’m dying for some Prime Time. I do my thing and wait outside. Dan does his thing and goes inside. A few minutes later, he’s coming outside and telling us that we’ll be seated in a little bit. I give him a big kiss and tell him he’s the best husband ever.

Then we see that couple again. The ones who asked about the nametags. They were walking past the restaurant when the man recognized us. They came up to us with his shiny new Kevin badge on his chest. “Thanks again, guys!” he said, pointing at the badge. “I love this idea.”

“Just so you know, people will think you’re cast members and ask you where stuff is,” we warned him.

Illegally inside the restaurant, Dan and I are seated in Patty’s section. She’s a great waitress, sassy and everything, and totally doesn’t make me sing in front of the other guests. Mostly because I didn’t dare correct her.

A couple of naughty guests taking silly shots.

I order a veggie burger and Dan orders…um, I don’t remember. Something chicken maybe.

The last time we'll ever use the Disney Dining Experience card. Buh-bye 20% off!!!


We enjoy our meal and then do the inevitable…we order Dad’s Sundae. Can’t eat at PTC and not have one!

Mmmmm...come to mama. Mama like.


We decide to end the trip with a bang like the way it began…with Fantasmic. This is a first for us…we didn’t order the dining package, so we have to wait in line with the rest of the yahoos. So we are seated in the center.

Turns out, I like the center better. Fantasmic ends, I cry, and we both tearfully head for the exit. Or not so tearfully. I mean, this was one exhausting, rainy, crowded, alligator-free vacation.

The SoG bus noise level was on ten. I just don’t understand it. I’m so much more a morning person, and can be quite chatty and bubbly in the morning. By the evening, I’m tired from the day’s excursions and mayhem and just want to crawl into the bed. But everyone else seems to be awake and alert and ready for an exciting and long bus ride back to the resort. I swear softly, plug my ears, and quietly wish SoG would arrive sooner rather than later.

On the way to our resort, another guest asked me if I worked there. How funny…right up to the last moment here in WDW and we’re still being asked about that.



Next installment: Day 11. You Know You’re No Longer in Disney World When…

 

[sheridac]

“Hurry UP!” I snarl and almost add, “Pinhead” but decided against it.

Or more appropriately. PinFace.

 

[sheridac]

“You’re not going to put this in the trip report, are you?”

“Oh sweetheart, this is gold. There is no way I wouldn’t put it in my trip report.”

Yes, I’m evil. Evil to the core. Here is my wonderful husband of six years begging me to be kind, for once show him a little mercy. But I risk our marriage and his embarrassment for the sake of a few laughs on an anonymous message board.

I'll oblige. Bwahahahahhahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[sheridac]

I'm sorry my sista!!! This is too funny to pass up!!!
Hahahha!!!!

Next installment: Day 11. You Know You’re No Longer in Disney World When…

Now THAT'S about the saddest thing I've seen all day!!! boo hoo!!!

 

[Loubon]

At 6am our wakeup call rings in. Dan rolls over and says that he had Harry Potter dreams last night.

You skipped the part where you were wearing the Hogwarts robe, the glasses and the wand in the room the night before....

I’m looking forward to my sugar buzz hitting in about 15 minutes…

You must have had muffins for breakfast this morning then. That sugar high would explain all of your posting today.

Dan, in the meanwhile, has his attention at some hot young mom who walked past the group. I watched him as his eyes followed her all the way around the pavilion. I finally elbowed him. He spun his head back around to me, looking irritated. “What?” he asked.

“Dude, I’m right here!”

He pouts. “You never let me have any fun!”

Apparently he forgot about the night before and the Harry Potter costume....

A creepy old man in a dark alley in the middle of Detroit could allure me if he had something sparkly.

And now the whole Internet knows of your sorted fantasy.

I realized he was more than eye candy. He was a wealth of information about the foreign program. He was hot, sexy, and interesting. AND he did it all without index cards.

I get that a lot too although the index cards do help you remember what to do next. Oh wait, what were you talking about?

By now you’re wondering if we have any redeeming qualities. Or perhaps you wonder if I embellish everything just to write an interesting trip report. Surely, you’re thinking, Dan and Wendy can’t really get into THAT much mischief! But oh yes, my friend, we really are this way in real life. Embellishments are hardly necessary to make our trips more interesting. Our adventures are interesting enough on their own.

Actually I don't give it that much thought. I'm just here for the pictures.

It's true, we really did take the Segway tour. And it's true that I have a freakishly small head.

Is that a soup bowl on your head?

 

[NMAmy]

I know the picture is blurry, but here I am, pretending to give my Pal a drink. Check out the dude's expression behind me. He's clearly freaked out.

OMG, you KNOW this guy came home telling people about the crazy woman trying to get her Pal Mickey to drink god knows what from a cup! Probably something alcoholic.

This and Dan running into the pole made me laugh out loud! I'm glad you're going on another trip soon so we'll get more trip reports.

 

[hucifer]

You must have had muffins for breakfast this morning then. That sugar high would explain all of your posting today.

Well, that and I had a goal...to finish this bad boy before the next trip. And seeing that I'm 4 days away....

Apparently he forgot about the night before and the Harry Potter costume....

Men!

And now the whole Internet knows of your sorted fantasy.

Actually I don't give it that much thought. I'm just here for the pictures.

Sorry I don't have any dirty ones. Moderators are always watching, you know.

Is that a soup bowl on your head?

Yeah, yeah. Everybody look at the freak with the tiny head. Blah blah.

 

[hucifer]

OMG, you KNOW this guy came home telling people about the crazy woman trying to get her Pal Mickey to drink god knows what from a cup! Probably something alcoholic.

This and Dan running into the pole made me laugh out loud! I'm glad you're going on another trip soon so we'll get more trip reports.

Thanks Amy! Dan hasn't read that part yet, so he's not going to be happy with me.

When I got home and saw that picture, I KNEW it had to make the TR somehow. His expression is priceless.