how would you handle this ?

[kirstenb1]

We live 30 miles outside of Richmond, so I understand what that's like. A couple of thoughts. If cel service is sketchy where you are (I know how that is), then you should try to be more flexible in other areas, like her bedtime.

Our older dd is only 12, but her bedtime is 10-10:15. That way she can watch a show at 9, and see the whole thing, or read or game, whatever.

Also, if you can meet her halfway on key things that are really important to her, you're paving the way for her to show the same respect to you. It sounds like she's had a hard life, through no fault of her own. Yes she needs structure, but she needs a loving home too.

Oh, and dd never eats breakfast. Drives me crazy, but you can't force someone to eat.

 

[pyrxtc]

now

 

[MushyMushy]

It sounds like your mind is made up and there's no flexibility there. So, honestly, why are you asking for advice?

 

[1DISNEYLVR]

I am a mom and step-mom, and we never had these kind of rules.

At age 16, she is on the way to becoming a legal adult and should be treated as such. We had a curfew, but not as stringent as yours. And there was some lead way with ours. If something was going on that may have made them late, they would call us and let us know what was going on and what time they would be home. Communication is important in our family!!! It worked well for us.

As far as breakfast, not everyone is a breakfast person. And I definitely wouldn't force her to eat it. What I would do is find out what kinds of breakfast foods she likes and keep them on hand.

As far as Halloween costumes, most teens take care of that themselves. Offer her your help if she needs it, but otherwise, don't interfere. Also, I would never had told any of our 16 yo children that they had to choose between TOTing with us or handing out candy. That would be OK for an elementary or maybe middle schooler, but not someone in high school. A 16 yo TOTing with mom and dad is usually not cool in their eyes.

As far as computer usage, as long as they are responsible and not causing any trouble on the computer, a little privacy for them goes a long way. I would never have thought of requiring my children, at age 16, to give me their passwords. They never gave us reason to.

I feel that your post seems like she is being punished for things before she even moves in with you. You want her to come to a happy and welcoming home, and this doesn't sound like a good start. Rules are fine, and expected. But it sounds like you are going a little overboard!!!

Well put and I completely agree. I have a DD15 and until she gives me a reason not to, I trust her and would not dream of asking for her fb password, asking her to choose between trick or treating with me or handing out candy for Halloween, or forcing her to eat breakfast. Cell phones are everything to teens today and their main contact with their peers. I would not with hold one from a 16 yr old.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

At the very least you need to tell her the rules BEFORE she moves in with you. I think that is a fair compromise.

That way she can back out of moving in with you or agree to the rules.

 

[lovemygoofy]

You need to stop and think about this from her point of view. You have said she has missed alot of your family events and apparently not the most stable home life.

This kid is going to need help readjusting. I can imagine she proably has some pent up resentment and at some point it's going to blow while you try to peg her into your family.

She has from what I gather had to take care of herself and make her own decisions regarding this or that and apparently knows more about things than she should. You cannot errase what has happened to her and you can't just shadow over it.

From her point her dad has known about the quality of life she has had with no meals or the bad living conditions and it just has continued but now it's magically going to be all better because she is living with you all. It's not all magically better. You have to give this girl some time to adjust. To expect her to jump into all this that and the other with your family with shouts of glee simply isn't fair. You are setting her up for failure. Let her wade in slowly. Setting this rules down isn't going to undo the way she was living and it's not going to make you and her dad look like better parents.

Some of your points about being out all times of the night and bad weather is valid but to say she has a 10:30 bedtime when the child is almost 18 is not helping either. Please just stop and think about this from her side instead of being judge, jury and executioner.

 

[DWGal210]

Ok, Mom, here's my 2 cents:

She's 16, not 6. I can appreciate having rules so a house operates smoothly, but you're assuming guilty until proven innocent. She's getting very close to adulthood; treating her like a child won't work. She's been used to living a certain way, and even if some of that was harmful, it is what it is. An expression we have here in the Midwest comes to mind -it doesn't do much good to shut the barn door when the horse is already out.

Also - if she makes poor decisions about school & projects, that's on her not you. If she turns it in late because she didn't prepare - tough. She'll learn next time to prepare sooner. You can't hold her hand forever, and it does her no favors for you to micromanage her life.

 

[luvmy3]

As she lives here longer and proves herself responsible then rules will change as they need to. But as of right now, we cannot even get her to respond to calls, texts, or any messages. She just ignores everything.

the Halloween offer was just that, we are doing two different things, going ToTing or staying home to hand out candy.

Honestly, I can see why she ignores you guys.
There was alot in your post that I could respond to, but what really struck me was the bit about the Halloween thing. You say she was given a choice, but it was your choices, did you even ask her if she had previous plans with her friends? I mean she is going to moving away from them and you aren't even letting her spend Halloween night with them. She doesn't have to go to the party until 1 AM but you don't even seem like you are willing to compromise and go and be home at 11. a 16 year old is old enogh to deal with the consequences of things, like projects not being done on time, you are saying things like she is the only person that does this kind of stuff and your way is the only way to control her. ALot of families have the same issue with bed times, getting p, curfews, projects etc and manage just fine without having to treat their kids like inmates. Sorry OP, unless you come back and tell us she is an addict, or got pregnant 10 times, or steals, etc, I think you are being totally unreasonable because you aren't even willing to compromise.

 

[pyrxtc]

all

 

[1stluvispooh]

OP I know you are probibly feeling attacked right now and I am sorry. Trust me I do not want to pile on. Here are my thoughts and quit frankly worth what you paid for them.

I think that you need to have your husband tell DSD the rules. He is her father and you are just the step mom. If you tell her the rules weather you give them in there current state or you revise them you will just be seen by your DSD as Alla the Hun. Being that once upon a time I was a 16 year old girls this would make any discipline you have to do even worse.

I too do not agree with a 10:30 curfew but I also don't agree with 1:00 am either. If your town truely rolls up the side walks at 9:00 she will figure this out and be home before 1:00.

A cell phone for a 16 year old is there way of staying social. I would let her have it. Although I would most likely make her pay for it or the difference for you to add her to your contract and unlimited texting. And I don't mean wait until she has a job because it might take a while. I would let her work it off at home doing chores.

I feel the best thing to do for a teen is to give them rope. If they hang themselves then you step in but she might just surprise you if you give her a little trust.

 

[pyrxtc]

snow

 

[AshleyW]

Holy crud. This makes me appreciate how lenient my parents were with me when I was a teen.

OP, I really think if you stick to your guns on all these rules, it's just going to make her act out BADLY. If my mom asked for my FB password when I was 16 - sure, I'd give it to her... and then I'd go make a secret account with an e-mail address she didn't know about. I can't use the computer/TV/phone until homework is done? Okay, no homework assigned today. At 16, I think she needs to feel like you trust her to make the right decisions. Laying down all these rules is going to make her feel like she can't be trusted, and that's the way she'll act.

 

[DWGal210]

Another thought:

When I was in HS, I had many nights where we just hung out at a friends house. We would watch movies, play games, etc. We didn't drink at all & no one got pregnant at these gatherings. Just another POV that just because they are "doing nothing" doesn't mean they are doing things they shouldn't.

 

[RitaE]

I'm sorry OP but I have to agree with the others.
She's old enough and mature enough to get a job to pay for her own car and insurance ..... but not old enough to decide when she's sleepy and needs to go to bed? She was treated like an adult from way too young, so you are going to rectify that at age 16 and treat her like she's 6? She's been an "adult" for apparently 5 years now, don't you think she's just going to find away around you?

It is kind of curious to me that you enumerate all your family dinners and activities, but then turn around and say you aren't close to your siblings.

Family isn't rules and forced activities. Its a bond that develops from true support and affection. You aren't going to get there by acting like a Prison Warden with a list of rules.

Oh and btw, my son is 17 and puts himself to bed. I really don't know what time because I don't stay up to see it. He gets up every morning and goes in before school to run or work out in the weight room. He usually leaves my house by 6:30am and handles it just fine.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I just want you to know I had VERY similar "rules and regulations" you are setting for your DSD growing up; and at 38, I still resent my parents for them. I was teased by friends for them; and always had to make up excused why I couldn't do things, stay out later, etc. It was embarassing and not justified as I was a good kid and became a good adult.

I always promised I would not do the same to my child who is almost 3 now.

Good luck to you and truly, I feel sorry for her. You are making a tough situation for her even tougher.

 

[NMAmy]

She doesn't have the option of backing out. She has nowhere else to live so the decision was made for her.

Seems like a whole lot of decisions are being made for the poor kid.

I think what bothers me the most is that with all these people telling you that you have unrealistic expectations for a 16 yo girl, you are just barreling right along, defending your rules without even a second thought. You seem extemely inflexible when it comes to your stepdaughter and I think this transition is going to be very difficult for everyone in your family when it doesn't really need to be so hard.

 

[Hannathy]

It sounds like your mind is made up and there's no flexibility there. So, honestly, why are you asking for advice?

I agree and reiterate why do you hate her? because you have set up a prison camp for even a middle schooler let alone a high schooler.

You are not even close to knowing what a high schooler is like or does.

And again I predict a run away within a month especially if you cut her off from her friends the way you cruelly plan to. And yes I said cruel because your rules serve nothing but to be cruel and controlling. I think you can become emancipated at 16 and if she shows those rules to a friends parent they would probably welcome her in for the rest of High school, I know I would seriously think about it for one of my DD's friends.




PS teens "hang" that is what they do. Even my DD in college when I asked her what she did Saturday said hang with some friends. They don't do activities very often.

 

[pyrxtc]

soft

 

[mjkacmom]

Any homework that is assigned that day and due the next must be completed after a snack and before TV or computer can be used. our other kids all live by this rule as well. the TV goes off everywhere in the house til homework is done.
.

I'm sorry, but she's 16! Yes, dd7, ds7, and ds9 do their homework right after snack, and ds12 does his if he has a sporting event in the evening (which he usually does). I have not even glanced at dd14's homework, tests, projects, etc., in 2 1/2 years. She has never given me a reason to do so. If she needs stuff for a project tomorrow, I'm not racing out to the store. She'll hand it in late, and her grade will suffer. I'm all for helping younger kids to be organized, but at some point, you have to let go.

 

[lovin diz]

Been there done that...so i am going to give you my advice. 1st you keep coming back and defending yourself, so apparently your mind is made up...I dont understand your question if you are in defensive mode??

My step son came to live with us...We didnt see him much as a child...His mother always talked about how horrible we were etc. He pretty much raised himself and his younger 1/2 brother and sister. He smoked, and was not in school. He had no rules...His mother was too busy looking for another high!

Flame suit on....We continued to allow him to smoke, but helped him quit, (and he did)

We gradually put him in GED classes, and we bought him a cell phone and put him on our plan..where he could talk and text when needed.

We were sort of sneaky with the curfew thing...His girlfriend had a cerfuw of 12am, so we told him he needed to be home for 1130 so she could be home for 12.

The life with his mother was not his fault. He had no one to look up to, if we were too hard on him, he would have easily turned to drugs..That was the life he knew....

If you are not careful, your dh/ and you will loose the dsd. She will end up 16, and pregnant, and living on the streets, or with a guy...I understand wanting rules...but you have to take it slow and easy...seems like she has been the grown up for most of her life