How to avoid hurt feeling re: party invitation?

[Partridge4ever]

There was a party here that the mom had all the school friends go to and then only a few slept over. IMO that was worse because the other girls felt bad being at a party they had to leave.

Yes, my DD was invited to one of those a few years ago. Everyone went to the pizza place and then a bunch went to the girls' house for the night.

I'm just a softy. I want everyone to be happy. If inviting everyone would do that, I would. But like I said, I think if we invite all 12 NO ONE would be happy. I'm definitely (until I change my mind again) inviting just these 8.

So should I scrap the idea of calling the moms ahead of time to keep the party under wraps until a few days before and just go ahead and send out the invitations 2 weeks in advance like I ordinarily would? I'm hoping I'm making a mountain out of a molehill...afterall my daughter isn't the center of the class universe, even though she's the center of MY universe. It may be that the party comes and goes pretty much unnoticed.

 

[piratesmate]

DD's problem is generally that she wants to invite her closest friends and they don't always know each other. That has made for some awkward moments for those not from school. She doesn't want to NOT invite them either.

We've worked around it by simply having another sleepover the following weekend with those not from her school. I'd think in this case I'd probably suggest the same thing. Just have 2 parties...a "school party" and an "other party". This is especially difficult because there are only 8 girls in your DD's class. If there were 15 girls, you wouldn't be expected to have them all...even the girls should understand that. But with 8...

 

[sugarpie]

So should I scrap the idea of calling the moms ahead of time to keep the party under wraps until a few days before and just go ahead and send out the invitations 2 weeks in advance like I ordinarily would? I'm hoping I'm making a mountain out of a molehill...afterall my daughter isn't the center of the class universe, even though she's the center of MY universe. It may be that the party comes and goes pretty much unnoticed.

That sounds like the best thing to do, to me.

Don't worry. Just have a good time.

 

[Partridge4ever]

To be honest, I think trying to make it a secret is more hurtful in the long run...it basically screams "I didn't invite you and I know you will be hurt by this so we are keeping it a secret from you". There is NO way all of the girls will 'keep the secret' (heck, the mothers probably won't all keep it a secret, even if you tell them to) and there being a secret will make the other girls feel left out on two levels...the party AND the secret.

I just think it's best not to make it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. There is a party and she is limited as to how many she can invite, nothing more.

JMHO

Very good point.

 

[U2_rocks!]

DD's problem is generally that she wants to invite her closest friends and they don't always know each other. That has made for some awkward moments for those not from school. She doesn't want to NOT invite them either.

I was wondering about this too. There are basically going to be 2 different "camps" at this sleepover. Do the girls from each camp know the girls from the other camp? Is there going to be splitting up going on anyway? Are all 8 of these girls her very best friends? If it were me I'd try to get her to choose her closest 4 or 5, so it's a smaller group. That way the ones who don't know each other can get to know each other better. And that way there are more uninvited than invited girls in the class. Can you then send in cupcakes for the whole class so they all get to sing Happy Birthday for her at school? This is what I do when we have a party and can't invite everyone.

I dunno .... just a thought. If 8 is it, then I agree with those who say invite the 8 and don't worry about it - 10 or 11 is plenty old enough to learn the lesson of "you will never get invited to every party".

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

I would strongly suggest inviting everyone. I have been on the receiving end with my DD of being one of the ones not invited. It's not something you get over in a few days. This is such a delicate age as well......

 

[noseybuddy]

My DD has been on the receiving end many times, still to this day and she is now 15. BELIEVE ME, THEY GET OVER IT. When it happened the first time, I said, why would the girl invite everyone in the class if she isn't really friendly with them. It is up to the parent to show their kids that they are NOT going to be invited to everything and that that's ok.

 

[Partridge4ever]

Do the girls from each camp know the girls from the other camp? Is there going to be splitting up going on anyway? Are all 8 of these girls her very best friends? If it were me I'd try to get her to choose her closest 4 or 5, so it's a smaller group. That way the ones who don't know each other can get to know each other better. And that way there are more uninvited than invited girls in the class. Can you then send in cupcakes for the whole class so they all get to sing Happy Birthday for her at school? This is what I do when we have a party and can't invite everyone.

7 of the 8 do know each other. One attended the school up until a couple of years ago. One has been invited to other parties in the past so she knows the school friends. I am a little concerned about the 3rd because she's a fairly new friend and she doesn't know any of the other 7, but my DD really wants to have her. And it doesn't really help my situation w/the class.

I think sending cupcakes in just draws further attention to the fact that there's a birthday.

The dynamics of the class are 5 who are friends as a group, 2 are inseparable best friends w/each other and the other 2 are best friends w/each other. DD would actually prefer to just be friends w/all 8 but that's not how it's worked out. There's no real animosity between the groups and DD has reached out to the 2 pairs, but they are developing their own personalities and they just don't have as much in common.

 

[lulugirl]

7 of the 8 do know each other. One attended the school up until a couple of years ago. One has been invited to other parties in the past so she knows the school friends. I am a little concerned about the 3rd because she's a fairly new friend and she doesn't know any of the other 7, but my DD really wants to have her. And it doesn't really help my situation w/the class.

I think sending cupcakes in just draws further attention to the fact that there's a birthday.

The dynamics of the class are 5 who are friends as a group, 2 are inseparable best friends w/each other and the other 2 are best friends w/each other. DD would actually prefer to just be friends w/all 8 but that's not how it's worked out. There's no real animosity between the groups and DD has reached out to the 2 pairs, but they are developing their own personalities and they just don't have as much in common.

While I dislike the idea of excluding anyone, the truth is no matter what you do someone will be unhappy. You may as well do what makes your Dd happy!
Social stuff is so sticky at this age.....

 

[MareQ]

This is true. Also, I think not inviting 4 girls is compeltely different than if it were just one girl left out.

As the mother of the ONE child that is ALWAYS excluded from every single party - even I agree with this.

If you were talking about a class of 20 kids and inviting all but 1 (like what happens to my son)- I'd tell you to suck it up and invite all of them - but it's ok IMO in this situation to only invite the 4 girls.

I would however make it a point to ask the girls to not "brag" about this at school as you don't want hurt feelings etc.

 

[noseybuddy]

7 of the 8 do know each other. One attended the school up until a couple of years ago. One has been invited to other parties in the past so she knows the school friends. I am a little concerned about the 3rd because she's a fairly new friend and she doesn't know any of the other 7, but my DD really wants to have her. And it doesn't really help my situation w/the class.

I think sending cupcakes in just draws further attention to the fact that there's a birthday.

The dynamics of the class are 5 who are friends as a group, 2 are inseparable best friends w/each other and the other 2 are best friends w/each other. DD would actually prefer to just be friends w/all 8 but that's not how it's worked out. There's no real animosity between the groups and DD has reached out to the 2 pairs, but they are developing their own personalities and they just don't have as much in common.

I know you don't want anyone's feelings to get hurt, but I really think you are given it too much thought. Do what your DD wants and just let it go. Wait till they get to High School. Girls are really back stabbing b****** then. Growing up isn't easy, that's for sure.

 

[U2_rocks!]

The dynamics of the class are 5 who are friends as a group, 2 are inseparable best friends w/each other and the other 2 are best friends w/each other. DD would actually prefer to just be friends w/all 8 but that's not how it's worked out. There's no real animosity between the groups and DD has reached out to the 2 pairs, but they are developing their own personalities and they just don't have as much in common.

If this is the case then I honestly wouldn't worry about it - the 2 pairs probably won't expect to be invited if they don't have that much in common with the others. Your DD has reached out and it didn't really go anywhere, so I honestly wouldn't be concerned. You can't be friends with everyone - it's OK to have lots of acquaintances and just a few friends.

Re the cupcakes: if your DD's class has the kids' birthdays up on the wall or makes some mention of them, then everyone will know it's your DD's birthday anyway, and will figure she's likely having some sort of party. I've never seen cupcakes as advertisements of a party to come - in fact, I often use them instead of a party! I have also sent in cupcakes as a way of celebrating with the class, since I will never be able to invite them all to a party (my kids are in large classes)! But, if birthdays are not played up at school, then I can understand your not wanting to draw attention to the birthday, to avoid awkward questions etc.

I still think that, no matter what you do, at least one of the uninvited girls will learn about the party - that's life, and I don't think it's your issue to be worrying about. The moms of the uninvited girls will be there to comfort and explain things to them if they are upset.

 

[disneyred]

I went thru this .... I would not do the "keep it a secret thing", eventually it would come out....

anyways , easiest thing for me.... if it was me... invite the 4 girls and make it a day party.....

 

[czycropper]

OK - I just went through this - my DD wanted to have a sleepover for her birthday (9th). We just had it last Friday. I gave her a limit of the girls who could come and gave HER the option of whom to invite, it's her party so it's her decision! She invited 2 girls from her current class (there are 13 girls in the class all together), 4 girls from outside of the school (2 our best friends kids & 2 from her dance school) and 3 from other classes in her school.

She also wanted to have cupcakes brought in on her actual birthday date which I did and that seemed to satisfy everyone and this is a very common practice in the school.

She's not really friends with the girls in the class that she didn't invite and there were no issues from them not being invited.

At our school this is the age that the kids understand that they are not all going to get invited to a party just because they are in the same class. It's also becoming very common around here NOT to have big parties starting with 3rd grade. The funny thing is that I am friends with a couple of the Moms of the girls that my DH decided not to invite and they had no problem with it, as a matter of fact one of them said to me "Jackie & her don't talk much" which has really surprised both of us BUT it happens.

Oh another thing I was surprised how well all the girls got along - so my DD picked the right group! I was worried at first that the girls that didn't know each other wouldn't talk to the others WRONG! the big ice breaker was having the HSM cd on as they arrived - you should have seen them dancing around.

IMO - just let your DD pick who she wants to come!

 

[jenwolgey]

Well I never believed in inviting all the girls in the class. Does your DD hang out with these other girls. If not, then I don't see why they should be invited. Life is full of disappointments. This is just one of them. The girls will get over it. If they are not real friendly with your DD then they shouldn't expect to be invited.

I agree with this completely.

My DD is 12, and we've been having issues like this within her soccer team for the last year or two. I believe that life ISN'T always fair, and sooner or later kids will have to learn that. If they are constantly protected from the smaller hurts in life as children, it will only be more difficult when they finally find that out over larger, more important issues when they are older.

 

[angelmom]

Everyone does not always have to be close friends with everyone else. That's just the way it is. Because it's 4 and not just 1 I would just do what your daughter wants. When my ds10 had his last birthday he did a sleepover and wanted to keep it at 6 kids. There were a couple others he often plays with that I would have thought he would have wanted to come and suggested it, but he said no. Those other boys were at our house at other times and it never seemed to be a big deal. He also mentions when so and so has had a party that he wasn't invited too. My dd7 does too. Just a fact of life, everyone can't be invited to everyone's party. i just always tell mine not to talk about it at school or infront of others that aren't invited.

 

[Missy Mouse]

Well I never believed in inviting all the girls in the class. Does your DD hang out with these other girls. If not, then I don't see why they should be invited. Life is full of disappointments. This is just one of them. The girls will get over it. If they are not real friendly with your DD then they shouldn't expect to be invited.

Agreed. Not to mention, if they're not all good friends the four invited girls will just end up hanging out by themselves at the party feeling awkward. No matter how fair you try to make it these girls are at an age where not everything turns out that way. Segregation would be unavoidable, and I think it would be worse for your DD to feel stuck in the middle trying to make everyone feel welcome at her own party but still enjoy herself than to just not invite them.

 

[wilderness01]

You're biggest problem is that there is a limited amount of girls in her class. If she is going to be going to school with these girls for a long time then be prepared to be on the receiving end of not being invited to their parties. I really strongly encourage you to invite everyone. My daughter is in middle school and I can't tell you how mean girls can be to one another. My daughter is very mild mannered, is friendly with everyone and does get invited to most things. But some of the things I see the girls do to one another is astonishing. It is one day I agree, but that one day unfortunately can lead to many days of your daughters life in school. Think about it for her sake. Maybe it isn't fair, but that is life. Could you maybe have a pizza party/bowling party, etc. for everyone and then another private sleepover on another day for some others? That way you wouldn't have to even have all 8 at the sleepover if your quarters are tight, but then you would avoid the hurt feelings/bad feelings that could lead to trouble for your daughter kind of thing? My kids also go to a small school and unfortunately politics play a huge issue in our school.

 

[Frantasmic]

We let my daughter invite whom she wants. When she was younger,
we did have the whole class over for cake, ice cream, games,
etc. As she has grown older, her group of friends has
gotten smaller.

We did have two separate Christmas cookie decorating parties
last month to accommodate old friends and new friends.

The rule now is that she can invite whom she wants, but she
as the party giver, cannot discuss this at school in front
of others she has not invited. Also, she must realize that
she wont' get invited to some of the other girl's parties as'
well.

She had to learn a hard lesson just last month because of this.

 

[Tink_Or_Belle]

For the 1st time this year I let my daughter not invite all the girls. maybe because I had a rough time between 4th and 8th grade with a group of girls who LOVED talking about thier parties and who wasn't invited and why (I was in a class with 13-17 girls depending on the year)
I always had her invite everyone but then I realized I was the only one worried about it. the other kids all have parties with part of the class when she invited everyone to something REALLY awesome she got accused of trying to "buy friends" lol you can't win sometimes so do what you want to. All I wanted to do in that was not make anyone feel left out when they heard about the party (because it was the BEST PARTY EVER) the 2 girls who are mean to her were mean to her anyway