How to avoid hurt feeling re: party invitation?

[Maryr1]

I am the mother of the 9 year old girl who is never invited. My DD is developmentally delayed, but not to a point where she is unaware (as some people would like to believe). Honestly, while it hurts her, I use it as a life lesson. Nobody told us life is fair ! One way or another she will have to get used to it,so we might as well start now.... It KILLS me as a mother to see my daugter suffer one more time over something that is just not her fault-she really has a great heart but it is so uncool to be "slow". So, I wouldn't lose any sleep over this-just remind your daughter to be kind and gentle to the kids who weren't invited and sometime when your child is on the recieving end-use it as a life lesson for them.It's all part of growing up.

 

[Missy Mouse]

I am the mother of the 9 year old girl who is never invited. My DD is developmentally delayed, but not to a point where she is unaware (as some people would like to believe). Honestly, while it hurts her, I use it as a life lesson. Nobody told us life is fair ! One way or another she will have to get used to it,so we might as well start now.... It KILLS me as a mother to see my daugter suffer one more time over something that is just not her fault-she really has a great heart but it is so uncool to be "slow". So, I wouldn't lose any sleep over this-just remind your daughter to be kind and gentle to the kids who weren't invited and sometime when your child is on the recieving end-use it as a life lesson for them.It's all part of growing up.

It would be nice if we had the kind of world that embraced differences. Stories like yours are a reason that, should I ever have a child, I hope I can raise him/her to be open to everyone. There isn't a child who exists in school that is without feelings, and while we can't always include everyone in everything, there is no reason to always have to be excluded.

 

[hydster]

I haven't had time to read the whole thread but is there a way to do a "compromise" party.

Meaning invite all the girls from say 5-7:30 or whatever and then have the 4 that she doesn't really want to stay the night go home at 7:30 and the rest stay over for the sleepover? That way they all got to go to the party some just didn't get to stay later. You could do pizza and a movie for them all and then have an assigned time for those 4 to go home. You could send the invitations out all the same to all of the girls but talk to the mothers of the girls you and dd would like to stay over and ask if they could come 20 min early so that you could put their stuff "away" before the other 4 got there.

That way they would still get to come to a party but just not stay overnight. I feel for you! I'm glad my dd is out of slumber party mode!

Good luck!

 

[diznygirl]

I've been on both sides - been invited just cuz to parties and had mom invite girls to my party that I wasn't really friendly with. Both ways it stinks. I hated being at a party I wasn't really wanted at, and I hated having people at my party that I wasn't really friendly with.

Let your daughter invite her friends - and don't worry about the rest. It will be better in the long run.

 

[chager]

Here's what we did last year. DS12 was allowed to invite a set number of friends over for a sleepover on Friday. Then anyone else that he wanted could come for cake and ice cream at noon on Saturday. The sleepover kids stuff was put in our bedroom so there wouldn't be any question about it. Although most already knew some had stayed over. This was done so that a few kids wouldn't feel left out but yet Nick could also have his friends stay over like he wanted to. He didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. He had a friend that had Oppositional Defience Disorder (or put simply "I was told I didn't get along with adults so I won't listen to anyone" disorder! Yes, I know some kids have issues, but I believe this one was just given too much freedom and not taught any respect from what I observed of the family.) we allowed him to stay once but he caused several issues. (stealing, breaking things,etc) Nick wanted to include him but didn't want him to stay over. Thus the Saturday party was thought up. Everyone came away happy! I think 3 stayed over and 3 came the next day if I remember right. Good luck!

 

[DisneyfeverTN]

When my oldest DS was in the 3rd grade we invited all the boys in his class to a sleepover. It was a lot of work, but everyone had fun. My youngest DS has had several sleepovers and he only invites 5 kids. All the kids go to his school, but aren't in the same classroom.

I think if you have a sleepover, you should not invite kids to part of the party only to have some of them sleepover and some of them go home. My oldest DS was invited to a party like this. I didn't know it until I picked him up. He was hurt. I never would have let him go to the party if I had known the parents were going to exclude certain kids for a sleepover portion of the party. Although I know that's not the intention of the parents, I think that is extremely rude and hurtful.

 

[marsha123]

its your kids day, let her pick who she wants at her party. she knows who her friends are. do you go out with everyone you work with?

 

[kristen821]

Personally, I would probably invite all the girls since it is only 4 extra girls. Maybe you can call the parents of the girls that she wants there 2 weeks before to save the date and ask them not to tell thier girls then your dd could pass out invatations a couple days before the party and chances are some of the 4 girls won't be able to come anyway.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I would invite all the girls.

 

[grlpwrd]

I would invite all the girls or do something with the other girls and compromise.

Yes, you can do what your dd wants, but she's going to feel the repercussions. Not only that only select girls were invited and they are going to hear about it, but don't expect the other girls to reciprocate or even feel friendly with her. We can say all we want, but in the world according to middle schoolers that is what happens.

It also seems exclusionary. I think with girls at that age we should do what we can to foster a bond rather than separating them or creating conflict.

Then again, that's just me.

 

[720L]

I would invite all the girls. If the school had more than 1 class, then it would be different. In such a small group of girls why stir the pot? My daughter is in a small school with only 1 class per grade and whenever there is a party everyone is invited. Why hurt somebodys feelings?


"It also seems exclusionary. I think with girls at that age we should do what we can to foster a bond rather than separating them or creating conflict."--------EXACTLY my thoughts!!

 

[challada]

I was raised to always include everyone, so I remember having kids parties in my basement with my whole classroom of kids there. I also remember going to at least 30 other birthday parties every school year, so I think it was just the norm.

For my own kids, we have always set the policy of "invite the class and the people who love you will be there". In doing this, though, there area couple of things we do:
1. parties are NEVER at home...always somewhere else like pool, park, etc
2. NEVER sleepovers for parties...you can have a friend spend the night one at at a time, more than that creates problems.
3. NEVER exclude the class bully...they don't come to the party anyway, but you should include them to make them feel part of the class group.

Last week, DD had her 7th BDay party at the Y pool....we had about 35 kids come between her class and her gymnastics team...there's a big age difference between the two groups but it didn't seem to matter and DD spent time swimming and playing w/the whole group. Every parent commented on what a fun time their kids had and how wonderful such a big party was.

 

[powellrj]

I would invite all the girls or do something with the other girls and compromise.

Yes, you can do what your dd wants, but she's going to feel the repercussions. Not only that only select girls were invited and they are going to hear about it, but don't expect the other girls to reciprocate or even feel friendly with her. We can say all we want, but in the world according to middle schoolers that is what happens.

It also seems exclusionary. I think with girls at that age we should do what we can to foster a bond rather than separating them or creating conflict.

Then again, that's just me.

I agree

there are so many posts from parents of middle school girls with all the mean girls/queen bee relationships. I would do anything I could to avoid this kind of drama.

 

[dreamcometrue]

I agree with some of the others said here...there are 4 not invited, it's not as bad as if there was only ONE not be invited. That would be just mean! 12 girls is too much for a sleepover, IMO. they will seperate off into seperate groups and that takes some of the fun out of it! 8 is already pushing it! The 4 girls will get over it!

 

[my4kids]

I would invite them all....isn't 8 girls mass chaos already? if you are just really organized about the activities for the party, it will cut down on the crazieness. 4 more girls doesn't seem worth fretting over or hurting anyone. 11 year olds are old enough to behave properly, yet young enough that they can still be directed.

 

[suzannen]

At that age, I would let her invite the friends she wants to her party. I also would not partially include some for only part of the party, but not all of it. That seems much more hurtful to me. My DD's 11 and we limit her sleepovers to 6 girls now. 12 would be way too many for me!! Most of the kids her age are having smaller parties and inviting their friends, not their class. DD doesn't care if she's not invited to something hosted by a girl she's not close to. She would only care if every one of her friends were invited and she was the ONLY one not invited. But, that's not the case here, so I wouldn't worry about. As adults we're not invited to everything, why do expect our kids to be?

 

[shortbun]

I think girls are different than boys. My son has a sleepover party every year and only invites 4 boys. He has many more friends but his MOM(that's me) only allows him four. He's invited to all the big parties and I don't think he's ever heard from anyone that they are mad about not being invited to his very small party. He'll be 12 this year. We always take them to a movie, out for pizza and then they party and play video games until the sun comes up when they pass out in various places in the house. I think the idea of saving the date then telling the girls at the last minute is a great idea. Discussions after are much lower key than the anticipation discussions.