How much do you give for a wedding present these days?

[shoes99]

My nephew and godson got married Saturday in Monmouth County NJ. I've been saving for a while, and we gave $500.00... We don't have any children of our own, and this was a special wedding.

 

[icydog]

My nephew and godson got married Saturday in Monmouth County NJ. I've been saving for a while, and we gave $500.00... We don't have any children of our own, and this was a special wedding.

Seems like the right amount to me for a very loved family member. We gave our son and dil 1/2 the downpayment on their house, and then for his wedding present we gave them $500 and a lovely wooden salad bowl. I didn't have to pay a cent for their small wedding and felt it appropriate to give them what I thought was my share. For a son, or a pseudo-son as in this case, you give from the heart and dream what they can buy with your gift.

 

[rocky41102]

We're in Michigan. We give $40 to close friends and family and $20 to others. We don't have a lot of extra income is part of the reason, but even if I had more income, I would never give $200 or more to anyone as a wedding present except my kids. At our wedding a few years ago, most couples gave us $30-50 and we had a formal wedding with open bar and good food. A few people with higher incomes did give us a little more than $50. I consider wedding presents as a good will gesture, I don't think it has anything to do with how much the wedding cost.

 

[summerrluvv]

We're in Michigan. We give $40 to close friends and family and $20 to others. We don't have a lot of extra income is part of the reason, but even if I had more income, I would never give $200 or more to anyone as a wedding present except my kids. At our wedding a few years ago, most couples gave us $30-50 and we had a formal wedding with open bar and good food. A few people with higher incomes did give us a little more than $50. I consider wedding presents as a good will gesture, I don't think it has anything to do with how much the wedding cost.

I grew up in MI where a $50 wedding gift is great! I remember when my sister got married and they were so excited when someone gave them $50! Then I moved to NY and heard about the "cover the cost of your plate" gift which is usually $200-300. Crazy isn't it?

 

[sammielynn]

I sure am glad I live in the South. $30 is a huge present here. But like someone else said most of our weddings are in a church and the reception is cake, mints and punch.

 

[icydog]

I grew up in MI where a $50 wedding gift is great! I remember when my sister got married and they were so excited when someone gave them $50! Then I moved to NY and heard about the "cover the cost of your plate" gift which is usually $200-300. Crazy isn't it?

Every wedding I have been to has been cover the cost of the wedding type present. I think of it as a lovely extravagance to spend a quality night out with friends and family. I don't want, or expect, the wedding couple to be in debt after the wedding.

I hear what you are saying about other regions, but here in the NYC/NJ area wedding presents are usually based on (1)the time of day of the wedding,(2) the day of the week (for example Saturday nights weddings mean bigger gifts), (3) is it black tie and/or semi formal or casual, (4) the venue of the affair (is it in a country club or a religious hall that will cost a lot to reserve or in a VFW hall or someone's home), (5) the type of food offered (is it a full dinner with a cocktail hour and fancy dessert table or a simple buffet type in a American Legion Hall),(6) is it open bar or is it a buy your own (7) the type of music (band or dj) and finally and probably most important, (8) how close you are with the couple getting married or the parents of the couple


All of these things are a consideration when giving a gift. It is a kind of formula, if you will. I have a friend who crumpled up her original check and wrote out a much smaller one because the band was so loud she, her husband, and the groom's mother had to eat in the vestibule when the couple and the groom's brother wouldn't turn the speakers down.

 

[Goobergal99]

Every wedding I have been to has been cover the cost of the wedding type present. I think of it as a lovely extravagance to spend a quality night out with friends and family. I don't want, or expect, the wedding couple to be in debt after the wedding.

I hear what you are saying about other regions, but here in the NYC/NJ area wedding presents are usually based on (1)the time of day of the wedding,(2) the day of the week (for example Saturday nights weddings mean bigger gifts), (3) is it black tie and/or semi formal or casual, (4) the venue of the affair (is it in a country club or a religious hall that will cost a lot to reserve or in a VFW hall or someone's home), (5) the type of food offered (is it a full dinner with a cocktail hour and fancy dessert table or a simple buffet type in a American Legion Hall),(6) is it open bar or is it a buy your own (7) the type of music (band or dj) and finally and probably most important, (8) how close you are with the couple getting married or the parents of the couple


All of these things are a consideration when giving a gift. It is a kind of formula, if you will. I have a friend who crumpled up her original check and wrote out a much smaller one because the band was so loud she, her husband, and the groom's mother had to eat in the vestibule when the couple and the groom's brother wouldn't turn the speakers down.

I completely agree with this! Southern weddings are also very different, they rarely have a huge formal reception with an open bar. I don't think ppl from the south telling us midatlatic people that $200-$300 is over the top is any less insulting then when we say that a $50 gift off of a Target registry is being cheap.

We live in different areas, our ideals are different and we have significantlly different costs of living. So of course what one may think is crazy, we may find very resonable. I also think you should "cover your plate" and I always make sure I do that and give a lil extra as well. It's not about paying for the couple's wedding, it is a gift that you are giving in appreciation for the inviation and the chance to share in there special day. Noone is holding out a collection basket at the door so what is the problem

 

[daystar]

Our closes friends got married about 2 years ago and we gave them $100...I other friends would get around $50..I think $250 or even 200 is way to much money...

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Depends on who it is for. $50 and up. The and up is for our close relatives.

I put little credence in how much they spend on the wedding to determine how much I will give to the couple. I'm not made of money and if they wanted to charge admission, they could have said so on the invite. Of course I would have declined.

 

[NotUrsula]

Southern weddings are also very different, they rarely have a huge formal reception with an open bar.

Not true at all. While folks who don't live there tend to think that all Southerners are Baptists who will not drink *or* dance, it isn't true. In Baton Rouge, the avg. reception costs about $13K. In Marietta, GA (an Atlanta suburb) the average is $16K, and Marietta definitely has more Baptists than Baton Rouge.

The difference is that in Baton Rouge, while there is normally an open bar, plated meals are uncommon. Cocktail party weddings are much more popular in S. Louisiana, where the predominantly Catholic guests like to dance the entire time, so the "meal" will be finger food (or possibly a buffet.) Receptions can easily run for more than 6 hours, and it is the norm to continue to serve food the entire time. Here is a typical catering menu from Baton Rouge: http://www.jubans.com/catering.htm. You will note that the avg. per person charge is about $30 for food and about $50 for liquor, + about 18% in gratuities. This does NOT include the cost of the venue, which will typically run about $1000 for a wedding rental. Combination catering halls are not common in the South; the caterer very seldom owns the venue, which must be rented separately for a large event. We tend to like historic buildings.

While it is true that "cake and punch in the church hall" receptions are more common with very conservative religious denominations, usually you find them in small towns and rural areas, not in cities, unless it is a second marriage. Most affluent Southern Baptist weddings I have been to had a full plated meal service, because if you don't drink and you don't dance, dinner is everything.

Y'all need to accept the fact that the Southern distaste for cash wedding gifts from guests is not at all related to the cost of the wedding. It's just considered to be in bad taste. (OK, rephrase. Not so much bad taste but lazy, as if one couldn't be bothered to thoughtfully choose a gift. Cash gifts from older guests are pretty common, as they often don't get out much, and that is understood and accepted. The norm in that case is $50 or less, unless they are close family members, who might give more.)

PS: One of my college roommates from Baton Rouge married someone from Rhode Island; everyone was Catholic. You would not believe the culture clash at the reception. My friend compromised and served a buffet meal, but she couldn't afford a complex menu so she went with Jambalaya and pasta. All of the locals started dancing as soon as they arrived, while the groom's friends and family sat down to eat dinner and chat. By the time the locals went looking for food most of it was gone, which was at about the same time that the groom's folks felt ready to dance, only to find that the band was about to pack up to leave. The bride's mother was just mortified that so many people ended up so confused.

 

[Kay1]

" Y'all need to accept the fact that the Southern distaste for cash wedding gifts from guests is not at all related to the cost of the wedding. It's just considered to be in bad taste. (OK, rephrase. Not so much bad taste but lazy, as if one couldn't be bothered to thoughtfully choose a gift. Cash gifts from older guests are pretty common, as they often don't get out much, and that is understood and accepted. The norm in that case is $50 or less, unless they are close family members, who might give more."

It's true, it's quite vulgar, and it isn't just saying so, Miss Manners would faint reading some of these replies. I don't ever give cash, but instead chose something lovely in crystal or silver. If a bride and groom can't afford a lavish wedding, they should be married in the manner to which they are accustomed.

Sorry, quote didn't work.

 

[Goobergal99]

" Y'all need to accept the fact that the Southern distaste for cash wedding gifts from guests is not at all related to the cost of the wedding. It's just considered to be in bad taste. (OK, rephrase. Not so much bad taste but lazy, as if one couldn't be bothered to thoughtfully choose a gift. Cash gifts from older guests are pretty common, as they often don't get out much, and that is understood and accepted. The norm in that case is $50 or less, unless they are close family members, who might give more."

It's true, it's quite vulgar, and it isn't just saying so, Miss Manners would faint reading some of these replies. I don't ever give cash, but instead chose something lovely in crystal or silver. If a bride and groom can't afford a lavish wedding, they should be married in the manner to which they are accustomed.

Sorry, quote didn't work.

Personally, I want the money, money, money

It is considered tacky to bring a wrapped gift to a wedding in the NE, registries, as previously mentioned are for showers. I understand the mindset in the south as well, but different strokes for different folks, and we are greedy folks up here in the North

 

[sz9144]

what about a wedding that is held out of state where they KNOW you can't attend but invite you specifically for a gift? we have 2 small kids in daycare, my husband is working a low pay temp job with no benefits, and our house is falling apart- I was thinking a $100 savings bond (which would cost $50). is this too much?

 

[NotUrsula]

I think it's tacky to bring a wrapped gift to a wedding, too, wherever it is held. Gifts should be sent to the home of the bride BEFORE the wedding if at all possible, or sent afterward. Bringing them to the reception is inconsiderate, IMO, as it means that someone in the family will have to take charge of it and arrange to have it taken home from the reception site.

 

[daystar]

I just wanted to add that i would rather give money and the reason for that is because most weddings i have gone to, these couples are just starting out...For example buying a house, renting an apartment, moving cost this is why i give money...It's not much compare to what it cost but atleast they can put this money in savings towards what they need then what they don't need and wont be in a garage sale the following year...The past wedding i went to i gave my sister $100 because i knew that they were saving for a house...I think in some cases money can be just as thoughtful...

 

[deekaypee]

" Y'all need to accept the fact that the Southern distaste for cash wedding gifts from guests is not at all related to the cost of the wedding. It's just considered to be in bad taste. (OK, rephrase. Not so much bad taste but lazy, as if one couldn't be bothered to thoughtfully choose a gift. Cash gifts from older guests are pretty common, as they often don't get out much, and that is understood and accepted. The norm in that case is $50 or less, unless they are close family members, who might give more."

It's true, it's quite vulgar, and it isn't just saying so, Miss Manners would faint reading some of these replies. I don't ever give cash, but instead chose something lovely in crystal or silver. If a bride and groom can't afford a lavish wedding, they should be married in the manner to which they are accustomed.

Sorry, quote didn't work.

I do wish Miss Manners were here! "Show me the money"? Ugh.

My two--or four--cents, in keeping with inflation.

I do sympathize with the social pressure guests feel to behave appropriately, according to various cultural norms; and I've found myself asking similar questions in various situations over the past year. Still, I find our increasing focus on the gift--cash or otherwise--rather than on the pleasure of a guest's presence to be, well, distasteful. I was raised, thanks to Miss Manners's and Emily Post's advice as much as to my family's beliefs, to see gifts as optional and gift registries as tacky. As an adult, I still subscribe to that ethos. Although this is a violation of the her own rules, I wish Miss Manners could find a way to help folks politely/subtly word invitations "No gifts, please" in order to put the emphasis on the celebration.

And if a material exchange is expected, I'd just prefer folks be upfront about it and charge admission at the door. (In addition to the ubiquitous cash bars and dollar dances!)

Boy, do I have issues or what?

Oh, by the way, I just read an article the other day that said the average cost of weddings is around 27K. Wow.

 

[msklcassidy]

Wow...married 17 years. Had a formal wedding (Saturday evening) at a chapel on the campus of the University we both attended...dinner for 500+ guests at a country club, open bar all evening with a live 9 piece jazz band. In short, an absolutely lovely wedding where everyone had a wonderful time.

I guess those of us in the Midwest are different. I would have been insulted if someone felt they had to "cover the cost of their plate" at our reception. That's ridiculous! The bride/groom and family chose what type of wedding to have. The guests come to help celebrate and wish the couple well -- share in their joy!

Don't get me wrong, I received many lovely wedding presents from my registry along with checks/cash. In all honesty, I preferred getting all of my sterling, crystal and china than checks...people had to take the time to get the registry and all, instead of writing a check! Those that were more than $100 were from either VERY close friends (you know, your "chosen" family) or from family members.

To this day, when my husband and I are invited to weddings, we use the rule of less for acquaintences and more for family, and we take the time to purchase a gift from their registry instead of giving cash (unless we don't find something we "want" to give from a registry. The notion of giving $200 in cash/check for someone who isn't family....that's just not done! Even for family (unless I know they are saving for a home or just graduted from college/grad school) cash is still not considered proper.

I'd also say that giving on the basis of "covering the cost of my plate" is just simply crude! If that is what is "expected" I'd rather stay home! (BTW, do people call and ask how much their "plate" costs...or does one simply guess? Either way, it's crude...and ill-mannered in my opinion!

Sorry, didn't mean to flame anyone...but I'm a bit shocked and appalled (and very glad I live in the sensible Midwest)...I think Emily Post would roll over in her grave (and Miss Manners would have a fit)!

 

[msklcassidy]

Agree...why don't those that live in the East (sorry, not all of you...ME is an exception) just charge admission?

 

[NotUrsula]

Yes, sometimes a couple "just starting out" needs money, but the catch is that a gift of money from a wedding guest can be (and often is) construed as an insult in a place where the expression "poor but proud" is still quite commonly heard.

The insult is in the implication that they (or more likely, their parents) cannot afford to entertain you.

 

[daystar]

With the money that people put into a wedding now days is just ridiculous..I told my sister when she got married that she could put a nice down payment on a house...I had a friend that went way into debt for her wedding along with her parents, why???After a year she is still paying for it, i thought to myself wouldn't you like to pay on a house for years to come than a one day event..We all would love a fairy tale wedding but in some cases it's just not possible..Like someone else replied definetly stay in your budget..Paying for your plate is just plain out rude...I don't like when people give you a resgistry i feel that's rude, it's like getting a list that you feel obigated to purchase..