How much do you give for a wedding present these days?

[Sleeping~Beauty]

ACtually I have read the whole thread thank you and you have just shown that you know how to personally attack another poster.

?????? I attacked another poster? ???

If I can't read a post--perhaps you should take better care in your word usage.

No thank you. I was clear. You even highlighted the part that referred to responses, and found something that wasn't there. It does not say that people are not allowed to share opinions.

Who exactly did she personally attack because I didn't catch it

Thank you, Goobergal. There was no attack.

Back on topic, to the OP, have fun at the wedding whatever you decide.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

?????? I attacked another poster? ???


No thank you. I was clear. You even highlighted the part that referred to responses, and found something that wasn't there. It does not say that people are not allowed to share opinions.

Aren't most of the response here...opinions?

And nowhere did I say that you said people weren't allowed to share opinions.

 

[gina2000]

Well, here's a few nasties from the thread.....

" Y'all need to accept the fact that the Southern distaste for cash wedding gifts from guests is not at all related to the cost of the wedding. It's just considered to be in bad taste. (OK, rephrase. Not so much bad taste but lazy, as if one couldn't be bothered to thoughtfully choose a gift. Cash gifts from older guests are pretty common, as they often don't get out much, and that is understood and accepted. The norm in that case is $50 or less, unless they are close family members, who might give more."

It's true, it's quite vulgar, and it isn't just saying so, Miss Manners would faint reading some of these replies. I don't ever give cash, but instead chose something lovely in crystal or silver. If a bride and groom can't afford a lavish wedding, they should be married in the manner to which they are accustomed.

Sorry, quote didn't work.

Agree...why don't those that live in the East (sorry, not all of you...ME is an exception) just charge admission?

I'd also say that giving on the basis of "covering the cost of my plate" is just simply crude! If that is what is "expected" I'd rather stay home! (BTW, do people call and ask how much their "plate" costs...or does one simply guess? Either way, it's crude...and ill-mannered in my opinion!

Well, I grew up in the "cover your plate" category of crude, vulgar gift givers who give with love, crudeness and vulgarity.



Thanks for the giggles, guys.

 

[sk!mom]

When I am RSVPing, I am not purchasing a "ticket". It is what "WE" can afford. Since I was not consulted on the wedding planning to make sure the pp or per couple cost was within MY budget....to expect me to cover my costs in a gift is a bit....rude. Unwritten rule or not.
Now I'm not going to Wal-mart and buying a $2 coffee mug as a gift.

Well said!


It is always best to consider your own budget first when giving gifts.

It is never the guests responsibility to pay for the party.

 

[aka-mad4themouse]

Just as there are cutural differences when it comes to wedding traditions, there are also regional differences and customs. I think that we all need to keep that in mind when discussing wedding gifts and please respect where the other posters are coming from.

If I told you all that in my culture, it's a tradition to charge the guests $1 to dance with the bride or groom, some of you might find that offensive too. However, my guests did not bat an eyelash over it and would have been very upset if they hadn't been given the chance.

So, please, let's not fight over what is or is not considered to be proper ettiquette by the Emily Posts and Miss Manners of the world. Both would point out that the primiary goal of the hostess is to make her guests feel comfortable. And that includes accepting and honoring local traditions.

 

[susancl]

But is it customary for a guest to cover the cost of their head?

No. A wedding is not about profit and loss. Typically, weddings cost more than gifts received.

Every etticate (I know this is spelled wrong ) book will say that the gift has nothing to do with the cost of the meal. You are invited to a party to celebrate a marriage and a gift is technically optional. A gift is a personal decision and there is no right, wrong or standard amount.

If you attend a shower, a gift is necessary.

 

[Dagny]

Just as there are cutural differences when it comes to wedding traditions, there are also regional differences and customs. I think that we all need to keep that in mind when discussing wedding gifts and please respect where the other posters are coming from.

If I told you all that in my culture, it's a tradition to charge the guests $1 to dance with the bride or groom, some of you might find that offensive too. However, my guests did not bat an eyelash over it and would have been very upset if they hadn't been given the chance.

So, please, let's not fight over what is or is not considered to be proper ettiquette by the Emily Posts and Miss Manners of the world. Both would point out that the primiary goal of the hostess is to make her guests feel comfortable. And that includes accepting and honoring local traditions.

Amen Sister!

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Just as there are cutural differences when it comes to wedding traditions, there are also regional differences and customs. I think that we all need to keep that in mind when discussing wedding gifts and please respect where the other posters are coming from.

If I told you all that in my culture, it's a tradition to charge the guests $1 to dance with the bride or groom, some of you might find that offensive too. However, my guests did not bat an eyelash over it and would have been very upset if they hadn't been given the chance.

So, please, let's not fight over what is or is not considered to be proper ettiquette by the Emily Posts and Miss Manners of the world. Both would point out that the primiary goal of the hostess is to make her guests feel comfortable. And that includes accepting and honoring local traditions.

Absolutely.

As a New Jerseyan who attended an Arkansan wedding, I can tell you that the same wedding that was sweet and homespun with finger foods, punch and handmade bouquets in Arkansas would have been socially crucified had it been duplicated in NJ. Likewise, if the ultra formal,sophisticated, black tie, six course, Venetian table, live music affair I recently attended in NJ were duplicated in Arkansas, it might be socially crucified as well, for different reasons. Those from different areas DO need to accept that a wedding in a different area might be perfectly socially acceptable in the area of the bride and groom, even if it wouldn't be in their particular region.

 

[sk!mom]

Just as there are cutural differences when it comes to wedding traditions, there are also regional differences and customs. I think that we all need to keep that in mind when discussing wedding gifts and please respect where the other posters are coming from.

If I told you all that in my culture, it's a tradition to charge the guests $1 to dance with the bride or groom, some of you might find that offensive too. However, my guests did not bat an eyelash over it and would have been very upset if they hadn't been given the chance.

So, please, let's not fight over what is or is not considered to be proper ettiquette by the Emily Posts and Miss Manners of the world. Both would point out that the primiary goal of the hostess is to make her guests feel comfortable. And that includes accepting and honoring local traditions.

I agree with you to the extent that we all have different customs and traditions and people should be able to share them. I have enjoyed reading the different customs in different areas and respect everyone's right to honor those traditions.

Where I disagree is in the area of ettiquette. I don't feel that it is ever OK to put expectations on a gift. If someone is kind enough to give me something then it would be extremely ungracious of me to look down on the gift.

Maybe that really isn't etiquette but more being gracious.

Main Entry: 1gift
Pronunciation: 'gift
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old Norse, : something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

My boyfriend and I live in Central Jersey (Mercer County) and we ususally give our friends around $200-$250. My parents ususally give around $300. I know I'm going to get flamed for this but I'm just stating what the "norm" is for us and most people in my area.

This is the norm in NJ. We usually give people we aren't very close to 150 and those we are closer to 200. A very close friend would get 250.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I agree with you to the extent that we all have different customs and traditions and people should be able to share them. I have enjoyed reading the different customs in different areas and respect everyone's right to honor those traditions.

Where I disagree is in the area of ettiquette. I don't feel that it is ever OK to put expectations on a gift. If someone is kind enough to give me something then it would be extremely ungracious of me to look down on the gift.

Maybe that really isn't etiquette but more being gracious.

Main Entry: 1gift
Pronunciation: 'gift
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old Norse, : something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation

Agreed but only up to a point. If someone "voluntarily transfers" me a dollar store vase, or pants with a clearance sticker still on them, or (this is a TRUE gift) LAST YEAR's diary - that is poor taste and the gift was not a truly gracious one.

As far as amounts, if my family from Virginia (not much money) gave me 50, I would be thankful, but if my wealthy SIL (who spends 1000 in a weekend) gave me 50, I would feel dismissed and neglected.

I would never expect a certain amount, or a certain gift, but "it's the thought that counts" is a really great expression. If you can tell the gift was given with love and thoughtfulness, then the monetary amount becomes less significant. If someone thinks a gift is tacky or cheap, it's really a manefestation of how that person feels. If like a previous poster, you received a blatantly regifted item, or a small, extremely cheap one, it is human nature to feel "blown off".

 

[sk!mom]

Agreed but only up to a point. If someone "voluntarily transfers" me a dollar store vase, or pants with a clearance sticker still on them, or (this is a TRUE gift) LAST YEAR's diary - that is poor taste and the gift was not a truly gracious one.

As far as amounts, if my family from Virginia (not much money) gave me 50, I would be thankful, but if my wealthy SIL (who spends 1000 in a weekend) gave me 50, I would feel dismissed and neglected.

I would never expect a certain amount, or a certain gift, but "it's the thought that counts" is a really great expression. If you can tell the gift was given with love and thoughtfulness, then the monetary amount becomes less significant. If someone thinks a gift is tacky or cheap, it's really a manefestation of how that person feels. If like a previous poster, you received a blatantly regifted item, or a small, extremely cheap one, it is human nature to feel "blown off".

I think maybe another important part of the equation is the importance or lack of importance that we each place on gifts.

I have never felt "dismissed or neglected" because of a gift. And I've gotten some hilariously tacky gifts. But maybe thats the difference- DH and I had a good laugh over the bible his mom gave me with a strip of vinyl glued over the engraved name (not my name). I just figured she must have gotten a really good deal on it by shopping in the misspelled name bin.

Gifts are not important to me. DH and I have been very happily married for 26 years and we rarely exchange gifts. We would rather celebrate an occassion with a trip or nice dinner than stuff. We both appreciate daily kindness more than special occasion gifts.

 

[Goobergal99]

Gifts are not important to me. DH and I have been very happily married for 26 years and we rarely exchange gifts. We would rather celebrate an occassion with a trip or nice dinner than stuff. We both more appreciate daily kindness more than special occasion gifts.

I am usually with you, but when it came to my wedding, I was preety much expecting that we would break even, just based on the norm for the area. If I hadn't then I would have been ok with it, I wouldn't have talked about anyone for it either. I don't think we are "tacky" in the northeast, this is just the custom. Alot of us up here, live in sin before the wedding anyway, so we don't need "gifts"

 

[tinkerbell81284]

I just came from a wedding earlier today. I gave the couple a $50 GC to Disney since they are going there on their honeymoon. I knew that they already own a house and everyone else was giving them Lowe's and Home Depot GC's as they requested to make repairs and improvements.

PS - Just noticed this is my 1,001 post! Woo-hoo!

 

[daystar]

I just thought of this when i was reading some of your post, i had a friend about two years ago got married..She tried so hard to get every penny out of it, bridal shower(of course asked for money)wishing well, and dollar dance..Her mother paid for the whole wedding and i mean everything dress and all..Thinking they were going to buy a house, not...She went to the casino locally and spent it all just a day after their wedding..Then the couple split after six months...
I guess it depends on the couple in which is the right gift..In my friends situation i should have bought her a gift instead of her throwing my money out the window at the casino..My sister wanted to purchase a house so i gave them money in which they are saving to buy a house..Atleast i knew money there went to something they will have years to come..
Also i love the GC idea..My other sister just purchased a house with her boyfriend and we bought them a GC from the Home Depot as a house warming gift..They loved it...

 

[sk!mom]

I am usually with you, but when it came to my wedding, I was preety much expecting that we would break even, just based on the norm for the area. If I hadn't then I would have been ok with it, I wouldn't have talked about anyone for it either. I don't think we are "tacky" in the northeast, this is just the custom. Alot of us up here, live in sin before the wedding anyway, so we don't need "gifts"

I'm not sure why you quoted me. I didn't call anyone tacky. I respect the different customs in diffferent areas. I must say though that I have never "expected" a gift- I have appreciated many gifts but never expected one.

 

[MomofCKJ]

We just returned from a wedding here in MA. It was for a co-worker of my husband. It was open bar all night and a nice dinner at a hotel. We gave $125 which is one of the larger checks I have written for a wedding. Usually $75 but my husband is her boss so we wanted to do a little more.

I can't get over reading about how expensive some of the weddings are that people are writing about! When I got married in 1994 our biggest check was $125 and we thought that was huge. Most people gave us $50 back then.

Allyson

 

[Goobergal99]

I'm not sure why you quoted me. I didn't call anyone tacky. I respect the different customs in diffferent areas. I must say though that I have never "expected" a gift= I have appreciated many gifts but never expected one.

I wasn't implying that you did.... I quoted you because I was saying that I am with you.... as far as not being a gift giving person and wanting to go on trips or out somewhere nice to celebrate occasions.... The tacky comment was just there because I changed to talk about my wedding and alot of people would have responded that expecting to break even was tacky. Sorry for the misunderstanding

 

[JoiseyMom]

I have to say that the NJ/NYC area affairs are usually cover the cost of the plate. At least that is the way I have always done it. At my wedding 11 years ago, only 1 couple gave us a gift, and that couple was of a different religion, but that was there custom, and we were fine with that. The only time I gave a really small gift was to my best friends wedding, years ago. At the time I had just recently left my first husband, and was a single mom of 2. She argued with me for giving her anything at the time!!! My neice just had her Bat Mitzvah last weekend, and we gave her $300, which I thought was very generous, and about what we could currently afford. According to my brother, he got some very very generous gifts from some newer friends of theirs versus some of the gifts of some longer term friends. But everyone gives what they feel is correct.

I do have a wedding for my first cousins DD next year. It will be on a Saturday night, and I am pretty sure it will be a black tie event. At this time I am assuming my 2 younger children will not be included (they will be 6 and 11). My 2 adult children will be invited, but they will be providing their own gifts. I am not sure what to give. At this young women's sweet sixteen, which was a very nice catered affair, almost like a Bat Mitzvah, which she did not have since she was not raised Jewish, we gave what we felt was an appropriate give for a "16th birthday party". Well, I guess my cousin didn't feel it was appropriate, because 3 weeks later, the gift he gave our son at his Bar Mitzvah, was much less then what he gave at our older son's Bar Mitzvah the year before. To me, a Bar Mitzvah is not just a birthday party, it is much different than a sweet sixteen. So, now I have 1 year to see what we will give for a wedding gift. Man...ain't family special!! Friends are so much easier and fun to deal with .

 

[icydog]

I have to say that the NJ/NYC area affairs are usually cover the cost of the plate. At least that is the way I have always done it. At my wedding 11 years ago, only 1 couple gave us a gift, and that couple was of a different religion, but that was there custom, and we were fine with that. The only time I gave a really small gift was to my best friends wedding, years ago. At the time I had just recently left my first husband, and was a single mom of 2. She argued with me for giving her anything at the time!!! My neice just had her Bat Mitzvah last weekend, and we gave her $300, which I thought was very generous, and about what we could currently afford. According to my brother, he got some very very generous gifts from some newer friends of theirs versus some of the gifts of some longer term friends. But everyone gives what they feel is correct.

I do have a wedding for my first cousins DD next year. It will be on a Saturday night, and I am pretty sure it will be a black tie event. At this time I am assuming my 2 younger children will not be included (they will be 6 and 11). My 2 adult children will be invited, but they will be providing their own gifts. I am not sure what to give. At this young women's sweet sixteen, which was a very nice catered affair, almost like a Bat Mitzvah, which she did not have since she was not raised Jewish, we gave what we felt was an appropriate give for a "16th birthday party". Well, I guess my cousin didn't feel it was appropriate, because 3 weeks later, the gift he gave our son at his Bar Mitzvah, was much less then what he gave at our older son's Bar Mitzvah the year before. To me, a Bar Mitzvah is not just a birthday party, it is much different than a sweet sixteen. So, now I have 1 year to see what we will give for a wedding gift. Man...ain't family special!! Friends are so much easier and fun to deal with .

I agree that a Bat or Bar Mitzvah is a big deal. Being raised Catholic from a mixed, Judiac, marriage I can understand your cousin's taking offense at the smaller present for a Sweet Sixteen. My daughter's Sweet Sixteen was a big deal!! It is like the 15 year birthday in a Hispanic home, Quinceanera a very big deal. It not just a birthday party it is a coming of age if you will. I know there is confirmation but confirmation was done when my kids were little. If I gave a big bash for a sweet sixteen, like I actually did, then I would expect that the presents be similar to those I give for a Bat or Bar Mitzvah. Make your wedding present amount the same way as you have always done, perhaps give a bit more if you want, and your sister in law will be happy. It's too bad that family gets this way, but they do. All you can do is grin and bear it and make the best of it. It's only money after all.