How do you handle the Holidays when...

[NewRVLady]

Patfan....how long have they been together?

Now my sons , once they realized that "this is the girl I really like and may marry" stage came-we met the girls. They dated many I never met-no biggie.
Son married longest- we met maybe 9 months into relationship, on our 2 x a year trip "Up North"-and we went away for 2 nights with them- to Cape Cod-great trip!
Newly Married son, again after 9 months-she came over for wine and cheese....just a casual gathering.

Could you go "hang" at an Art Fair, a Farmers market-just somewhere more casual? I just think it odd for your Christmas gathering to be the first time you meet him.

 

[pat fan]

I just think it odd for your Christmas gathering to be the first time you meet him.

YES! Me too! I do NOT want it to be the first time for any real amount of time. That just seems awkward to me! They have been together less than a year, so probably in your 9 month area. I believe that includes *************, not that "this is the one" and 9 months from there.

 

[Luvstotravel]

So, is this "SO" a male?

 

[wilkeliza]

YES! Me too! I do NOT want it to be the first time for any real amount of time. That just seems awkward to me! They have been together less than a year, so probably in your 9 month area. I believe that includes *************, not that "this is the one" and 9 months from there.

Oh if it is less than a year just say boyfriend! Significant other usually is for people who have a longer semi perminent relationship. I didn't consider by fiance my SO until we had been together over 2 probably 3 years.

 

[phorsenuf]

YES! Me too! I do NOT want it to be the first time for any real amount of time. That just seems awkward to me! They have been together less than a year, so probably in your 9 month area. I believe that includes *************, not that "this is the one" and 9 months from there.

This is why I suggested upthread that the 3 of you get together beforehand one day for lunch or dinner. I think that would be a more relaxed atmosphere for getting to know each other.

My son and his girlfriend have been together over 2 years and don't refer to her as SO. She's his girlfriend, and probably (hopefully) someday his fiance.

 

[pat fan]

Oh if it is less than a year just say boyfriend! Significant other usually is for people who have a longer semi perminent relationship. I didn't consider by fiance my SO until we had been together over 2 probably 3 years.

Well, they live together, so call me old fashioned but that's more than boyfriend.

 

[Allons-y!]

Well, they live together, so call me old fashioned but that's more than boyfriend.

And yet, you were perfectly comfortable using "girlfriend" when your other son lived with his SO a couple of years ago:

Geesh....guess my DS's GF made out pretty well! Since this was the first Christmas either of my boys has had a significant other, I asked my sister who has been there done that what the protocol was. She said same # of gifts as everyone else, but lower $$ per gift.

I think I got her one less gift than my boys, but they were all much less expensive gifts than I got my boys. Still, I spent a pretty good amount on her. The most expensive thing was a sweater at $30, the cheapest was a can opener (they had us over at Thanksgiving and there's was broken!).

BTW, they have been together almost a year and living together since Oct. I do think they moved in together too quickly and told them so, but she's a sweet girl and they seem pretty happy together.

In retrospect, I probably spent too much, but what are you gonna do? My DS loves her and I want them to know she is welcome in the family.

 

[Uncle Remus]

Well, they live together, so call me old fashioned but that's more than boyfriend.

Well, in that case, if you'd like to give your son some sign of your acceptance of his relationship then might I suggest a joint Christmas gift to them, maybe some household appliance or the like. And address the tag to your son and his boyfriend.

 

[pat fan]

Well, in that case, if you'd like to give your son some sign of your acceptance of his relationship then might I suggest a joint Christmas gift to them, maybe some household appliance or the like. And address the tag to your son and his boyfriend.

I have a cookbook for them already. It's one of my favorite ones!

 

[Uncle Remus]

I have a cookbook for them already. It's one of my favorite ones!

Great idea, good luck.

 

[mjkacmom]

There is much more to this story, and frankly, I'm not airing it all here. Suffice it to say he told us last year that it was not our imagination, but that he has deliberately cut us out of his life the last few years. We knew he had, but hoped it was just becoming an adult and creating his own life and there was no issues made. We did not guilt him into anything event-wise but always invited him and said we were sorry he couldn't make it when the inevitable excuse came. Once he came clean it was deliberate, yes, my heart broke. In a million pieces. Not quite back together yet either.

Yes, he has a SO and will be spending Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and morning with the other family. We have no relationship with the SO because they do not visit us, nor are we invited there. No, we have never said an unkind word about his SO. Frankly, our interaction has been less than one minute in total. They even turned down a 2 day whirlwind paid for trip to see Osbourne Lights before they're gone in lieu of Christmas gifts. But he would take money for his student loans, thanks.

When I read this post, I immediately assumed SO was a man. The words "the other family," lack of pronouns at all, just threw off a vibe that the OP wasn't 100% comfortable with the situation. Maybe her ds is getting a similar vibe?

 

[wilkeliza]

I have a cookbook for them already. It's one of my favorite ones!

Good idea! Maybe get a few things that go with it.

 

[wenrob]

Leaving all speculation and whatnot aside, on the topic of making someone feel comfortable in your home I can tell you what made me feel comfortable when I met a part of DH's family. We'd been together for a little under two years and flew out to Oregon to spend Christmas with his Aunt, Uncle, Grandmother and some cousins. There were presents for me but honestly, 25 years later I don't remember what they were. What I DO remember was that there was a stocking with my name on it right alongside everyone else's and his grandma told me I fit in the family "like an old shoe." I had never met these people until that visit but they brought me into the family fold with no questions asked. What made me feel comfortable was that they just accepted me and didn't expect me to run circles to try and prove myself.

So, just do what you do for everyone else. If you have a stocking for DIL have one for DS boyfriend. Doesn't matter what's in it, just that he's included will go a long way. Put what you'd put in there for DS or ask DS for suggestions. I also second maybe a joint gift. If they are giving you a couple hours make it a friendly, happy couple of hours. You can be the one who turns things around with DS just by accepting things the way they are and rolling with it.

 

[wilkeliza]

@wenrob what you said is true. Do for DS boyfriend what you do for the rest of the family. Like with my grandma she gave my fiance the same gift the
rest of the grandkids got. He said he felt welcomed and apart of the family.

Also don't feel like you have to go over the top! My future mother in law went all out on Christmas our first year together even though they are Jewish. I loved that she did that for me but I had to listen to my future brother in law complain the entire time about how they aren't Christian and he didn't think it was right to let his kids participate in Christmas. It ruined the entire gesture.

 

[rigs32]

There were presents for me but honestly, 25 years later I don't remember what they were. What I DO remember was that there was a stocking with my name on it right alongside everyone else's and his grandma told me I fit in the family "like an old shoe."

I had the opposite experience and I will never forget it. It took three years before I was invited to participate in the gift exchange. The first year, I did not expect to. Second year, I was not upset until I realized I was the only person excluded - SOs who'd been around for much less time than me were, however. I left and cried in the car. I later learned that SO's mom was saying she didn't want to include me. Why his sister told me, I do not know.

After a few more experiences of being pushed to the side, I put myself on the sidelines.

 

[wenrob]

I had the opposite experience and I will never forget it. It took three years before I was invited to participate in the gift exchange. The first year, I did not expect to. Second year, I was not upset until I realized I was the only person excluded - SOs who'd been around for much less time than me were, however. I left and cried in the car. I later learned that SO's mom was saying she didn't want to include me. Why his sister told me, I do not know.

After a few more experiences of being pushed to the side, I put myself on the sidelines.

Well, hopefully the OP will work to make the boyfriend welcome and that can be avoided. My FIL for whatever reason has never liked me. I spent a lot of years bending over backwards to try and 'fix' the unknown issue. Thre comes a point though when you just can't do it anymore and as someone up thread mentioned when that happens the price is high. Freezing out your child's partner will almost always backfire.

 

[lizzi6692]

I missed it, what did I avoid? i did say I may have missed something!

Are you being obtuse or do you truly believe that your son being gay isn't part of the issue here?

 

[pat fan]

I had the opposite experience and I will never forget it. It took three years before I was invited to participate in the gift exchange. The first year, I did not expect to. Second year, I was not upset until I realized I was the only person excluded - SOs who'd been around for much less time than me were, however. I left and cried in the car. I later learned that SO's mom was saying she didn't want to include me. Why his sister told me, I do not know.

After a few more experiences of being pushed to the side, I put myself on the sidelines.

That is horrible. I'm sorry that happened, I can't imagine anyone doing that! I think everyone in our family keeps candles or something upstairs for surprise guests! I can't fathom excluding a SO. My DH's grandma gave me a knit doll our first Christmas together. I still have it, although it's packed away in the attic.

 

[littleblackegg]

Well, in that case, if you'd like to give your son some sign of your acceptance of his relationship then might I suggest a joint Christmas gift to them, maybe some household appliance or the like. And address the tag to your son and his boyfriend.

Nothing says, "I accept you and your boyfriend" like a crockpot.

 

[wilkeliza]

Nothing says, "I accept you and your boyfriend" like a crockpot.

Crock pots are amazing! You say "I love you" by getting the one that comes with the dip warmer .

Please note the last sentence is sarcasam. I love my crock pot and it wa sgiven to me as a birthday gift as it was on my wish list.