Hiding spending from Family

[wishuponastar1984]

No. Grandma has a live in personal assistant. Cousin does spend a lot of time with her largely in part because she was more of a mother to her than her own mother. My sister did most of the caring for them both while the cousin was away at college etc. She still does a lot as she's the closest in proximity to Grandma.

Interesting. I am glad you aren’t bitter but I do find it interesting that a grandfather who presumably had good relationships with some of his children and grandchildren decided to leave 95% of his estate to a single grandchild that is not blood relation to him with no explanation.

 

[Hook326]

Interesting. I am glad you aren’t bitter but I do find it interesting that a grandfather who presumably had good relationships with some of his children and grandchildren decided to leave 95% of his estate to a single grandchild that is not blood relation to him with no explanation.

If I read CalDisney’s post right, grandpa and grandma raised the cousin set to inherit the bulk. They added another child (the cousin) later in life so I get why the cousin is inheriting (they are essentially the parents whether formally adopted or not). To me, it’s strange that she’s getting so much more though than the grandparents other kids. But as everyone has said, it’s their money to distribute.

 

[bcwife76]

My MIL is a complete nightmare (financially and every other way) so she has no idea that either of my parents have passed away (my dad two years ago, my mom two months ago) because she would want to (a) live in our basement (over my own dead body) and (b) borrow money because both of my parents had money and left it to me. So yeah. She knows NOTHING.

 

[Auntof2]

We do this - though more hiding savings than hiding spending. We did pay off our mortgage early which no one knows, as I do have relatives that will assume that cash is freed up for them. We also don't tell certain family members about travel plans in advance as I get sick of the "must be nice" comments, when we save plan well in advance so that we can afford these things and within our budget. Definitely nothing to do with an inheritance, as we do not expect anything from either side of the family, aside from perhaps a few sentimental things with no value to anyone else.

 

[Darcy03231]

I know what you're saying here, I truly do, but your idea of what is "fair" might not be what the decedent's definition of "fair" is. I'll give you an example--my MIL died recently. She had 2 sons, and the bulk of her estate will be split 50/50--fair, right? But, there are a couple of hitches. One is, she left 529s to 2 out of 7 of her grandkids (one on each side). Our niece got more than our DD, and we have 3 yet to finish college, while this is BIL's last child to graduate. Is it fair? Similarly, MIL left a life insurance policy to her 7 grandkids. But, BIL's 3 kids get half, and our 4 kids get half. Fair?

Just so you know, it doesn't matter to DH and I if we think it's fair--it was fair in MIL's eyes. I understand her reasoning. We chose to have 4 kids, not 2 or 3 or 12. And our children will go to college, whether they have a 529 from Grandma or not. We choose not to nickel-and-dime for an exactly even portion of the estate. I mentioned my jerkface brother up-thread--I'm 100% positive he would be screaming to high heaven if he thought he was getting short-changed.

My point is, it really doesn't matter what you think is fair, or how you would divide whatever inheritance there might be. It only matters what the decedent thought was appropriate.

I think most people think that fair would be an equal division between all of the decedent's children, but that doesn't always happen for a variety of reasons and the one that gets the lessor percentage feels that's it's "unfair."

When DH's mother died the estate was split 2/3 to his sister and 1/3 to him. Many would think that was unfair. We didn't feel that way though. We live 18-20 hours away by car. SIL lived about an hour away. SIL is a also a nurse. In their parents' later years she took on the responsibility of the day to day management of their affairs, dr. appointments, etc. We just lived too far away. SIL took on the bulk of the work as they aged and she deserved the bulk of their estate. When DH was working he only went down about once a year. Once he retired he was able to go more often, but he still didn't take on as much as his sister. Personally, I think that it would have been "unfair" to split the estate equally in this case.

 

[Lvsdisney]

Anytime anyone (family or not) starts talking to me about other people's spending I just respond "I don't count other people's money" and leave it at that. And it's true. I really don't care what people spend their money on as long as their kids (if they have any) are taken care of (food, clothing, shelter). I would hope that others would afford me the same respect, but people are people and they get judgey sometimes, and oh well. I don't let it bother me.

My parents are a big advocate of "I want to see you enjoy our money" so they have treated us to some very nice vacations (everything paid for). My sister and I have been very grateful of their generosity. If there is something leftover when they pass, I guess we'd call that a bonus. I'd rather they spend it how they want now, because, as some other PPs noted, it's their money.

To add, my parents lent me money when I decided to go back to school to change my profession. I am paying them back (money automatically taken out of each paycheck goes to their account). I pay what I can afford and they appreciate my doing so. My dad always says, whatever I owe them will come out of my inheritance if I don't get to pay it back (my plan is to pay them back WAY before then) but I understand then if my sister "gets more" than I do.

 

[Karenj2]

Neither DH or I hide anything from each other - we have one account, and share our credit cards. He pays the actual bills, but I run the budget through YNAB, so neither of us surprises each other. I did have a neighbor, a SAHW who got an "allowance", and had to consult her husband for any purchase over $100. I went shopping with her once, and she constantly was trying to buy things & wheedle people down to $99. We often had her dog sit for us, and it wasn't until a few YEARS had passed that we discovered that her hubby had no idea we had been paying her. (He was getting very annoyed at us for taking advantage.) They were a weird couple.

As for family, we don't hide anything, but we're in the middle when it comes to our financial situation - better than some, worse than others. My BIL helped us out about 10 years ago when I had gotten laid off, and DH was on long term disability, but then we paid him back.
My SIL (DH's sister), is terrible about money. We're the Power of Attorney for DH's parents when they die, and I'm expecting it to get ugly. First of all, DH is the youngest (SIL is the oldest) so she'll be offended that she wasn't asked. Second, she's basically cut my MIL & FIL out of her life because she's pissed (for various reasons too long to get into), but she'll expect the inheritance to be divided equally. *IF* my in-laws divide it up equally, they plan to give it directly to her son (their grandson) when he reaches adulthood.

Honestly, I hope both my parents and my in-laws spend just enough to have a nice funeral - I could care less if I inherited anything.

 

[2China2009]

My mom is giving me some of her inheritence now to help pay for some things I can not afford. She has a lot lo gevity on her side and I will not need it in 20yrs.

 

[tinatark]

I often do not tell a couple of family members of my planned trips, because they will expect to be brought along (at my cost) on said vacation.

 

[manning]

just read an article about billionaire J Paul Getty. He was so thight with money to the point he would wash his own socks and underwear.

 

[barkley]

just read an article about billionaire J Paul Getty. He was so thight with money to the point he would wash his own socks and underwear.

yet his father only left him $500,000.00 of his (the father's) 10 million dollar fortune b/c 'dad' disapproved of jpg's 'high style' lifestyle (free spending and multiple marriages). gotta wonder what his dad's thriftiness was like.

 

[Burgundy Rose]

Little did I know I'd find this thread so riveting to read! Some stories are insane.

My family hasn't got any money so we never talk about it. I've always known nobody would help me out financially and I've never expected anything, which is fine. I'm the wealthiest person in my family even though I just earn a teacher's salary.

Now my boyfriend is another kettle of fish. Soon after we met, I found out his mother still receives all of his bank statements. He was 25 when we met and will soon turn 28. I think it's the closest I came to breaking up with him. It struck me then, as it does now, as deeply unhealthy. It's an ongoing discussion between us.
His mother is very.... unique, shall we say. He has a strange relationship with her. Anyway, she knows all of his purchases as a consequence. I once challenged him asking what would happen if we decided to go to an adult shop one day (I wish we were that interesting haha), would he have the presence of mind to ask me to pay?
I think she may have given him a hard time about how much our impending Disney trip costs but he's probably shielding me from her reaction. We have separate accounts and I know we'll never have a joint account, his outlook on finances is so different from mine.

My friends all have average wages, we're all happy when one of us gets to buy something nice and freely discuss the amounts with no jealousy at all. If you can have it, by all means, grab it.

 

[barkley]

Little did I know I'd find this thread so riveting to read! Some stories are insane.

My family hasn't got any money so we never talk about it. I've always known nobody would help me out financially and I've never expected anything, which is fine. I'm the wealthiest person in my family even though I just earn a teacher's salary.

Now my boyfriend is another kettle of fish. Soon after we met, I found out his mother still receives all of his bank statements. He was 25 when we met and will soon turn 28. I think it's the closest I came to breaking up with him. It struck me then, as it does now, as deeply unhealthy. It's an ongoing discussion between us.
His mother is very.... unique, shall we say. He has a strange relationship with her. Anyway, she knows all of his purchases as a consequence. I once challenged him asking what would happen if we decided to go to an adult shop one day (I wish we were that interesting haha), would he have the presence of mind to ask me to pay?
I think she may have given him a hard time about how much our impending Disney trip costs but he's probably shielding me from her reaction. We have separate accounts and I know we'll never have a joint account, his outlook on finances is so different from mine.

My friends all have average wages, we're all happy when one of us gets to buy something nice and freely discuss the amounts with no jealousy at all. If you can have it, by all means, grab it.

does his mom do all his budgeting and bill paying as well? if that's the case I would be concerned if he knows anything about/the reality of his income to spending/debt ratio or basic budgeting. your situation reminds me of a former coworkers-but she didn't realize it until AFTER she was married.

coworker gets married and is floored by how much her husband spends without thinking about it. within the first month she's shocked at how many times he grabs money from their joint atm account, runs up credit cards for 'nothing' (fast food, video games, multiple car washes, repurchasing stuff that they already have 'because it was easier than looking for it/coming home to pick it up'). she talks to him about it and he's oblivious to it being any problem saying 'what's the big deal, WE can obviously afford it b/c I could afford it when we were dating and now we have 2 combined incomes'. she tries showing him the numbers and he's still 'somethings off, I always covered this when we dated-ask my mom she did the books' she's like 'what do mean, your mom did the books?'. come to find out he would deposit his paycheck and his mom would pay all his bills, he just spent as he pleased and figured that so long as mom didn't say there was a problem no problem. BIG PROBLEM-his mom's attitude with credit was that so long as you were paying the minimum you were 'paying the bills'. he had a TON of credit cards he assumed he was paying in full each month when he'd never paid more than the minimum (and in some cases was running late b/c mom didn't want her son to do without so when he overspent she just waited till the next pay period to play catch up). there was significant credit card debt my coworker was never aware of prior to marrying and comingling their funds.

even when he was faced with his true financial situation it was an ongoing battle-he was used to as an adult a certain 'lifestyle' and as much as he would be shown the hard numbers that reflected that he was never able to afford that lifestyle in the first place, it seemed like he resented his wife because it had 'never been a problem until we got married'

 

[Burgundy Rose]

I'm so sorry for your ex coworker! Is she still with him? The end of your story sounds so ominous. I can fully believe that he wasn't aware of the cost of things, so much of my financial outlook on life is inherited from my parents, I believe it's one of the things we most directly copy from them. The sad thing is his mother probably thought she was helping him by doing that when doing just the opposite.

My SO pays all of his bills himself and also works in finance (though I probably shouldn't mention that as a token of financial health, half his coworkers have no idea what their salaries are or what they spend each month!), it's just that his mother gets his bank statement every month and can (and does) look at what he's spending and on what. I'm fully aware of how disturbing it is, believe me. His relationship with his mother is our number one issue.

 

[barkley]

I'm so sorry for your ex coworker! Is she still with him?

it's been several years but I suspect they are still together (divorce was highly looked down upon in their culture).

I can fully believe that he wasn't aware of the cost of things, so much of my financial outlook on life is inherited from my parents, I believe it's one of the things we most directly copy from them. The sad thing is his mother probably thought she was helping him by doing that when doing just the opposite

I learned that for their culture it wasn't uncommon for adult men to have their moms do all their finances (and for the wives to take over upon marriage). I think it never occurred to my coworker that anyone would have that reckless a regard for spending b/c while her mom had done the same for her adult brothers there had been communication about budgeting and the men were educated in the cost of running a household. in hindsight she realized that realistically her in-laws shouldn't have been able to afford the lifestyle they were leading-not that it was opulent or anything, just not in line with what she knew was likely the income her fil brought in so unfortunately a bad financial outlook was passed down to their son.

 

[richkaryn]

I'm a terrible liar so I'm not sure I could hide major spending like trips or cars for any length of time. We sometimes don't share our plans until after the fact because we don't want to hear about it from my in-laws, who think spending on experiences is "wasted" compared to spending on physical things like home improvements or furniture, but they always hear about the trips from the kids when we get home if not while we're actually traveling (via social media).

Sounds like my inlaws....it's ridiculous how much we travel according to MIL, but I've never once remarked on her multiple curio cabinets full of $200/each large angel figurines or fenton baskets. I don't collect dust collectors like that.....and I dread the day they die and we have to deal with all their "stuff". I'd rather spend my $ on experiences/memories than physical objects, but she just can't seem to see how what we do is better than her hoarding objects nobody wants.