Hiding spending from Family

[kathy884]

We haven't hid spending, but FYI have yours, mine, and ours money. This gives us the freedom to do what we want with the part that isn't joint money (can be something the other thinks is wasteful/silly), yet still be in agreement about joint money and joint savings goals.

If spending habits of spouses are different and you have a generous enough budget to do something like this, I think it's a good way to go. We set up the budget before we got married concerning joint contributions, etc.

 

[Ava]

We haven't hid spending, but FYI have yours, mine, and ours money. This gives us the freedom to do what we want with the part that isn't joint money (can be something the other thinks is wasteful/silly), yet still be in agreement about joint money and joint savings goals.

If spending habits of spouses are different and you have a generous enough budget to do something like this, I think it's a good way to go. We set up the budget before we got married concerning joint contributions, etc.

My spouse and I just started doing this. Our budget is fairly tight so it’s a small amount per month for now, but hopefully we can increase it eventually.

 

[disneymagicgirl]

No we don't hide spending, I guess I don't really see the point. If we have family members ask us for money because they think we have loads to give out we would just tell them no. I'm not worried about losing an inheritance, and I really don't care what others say or think about what dh and I choose to spend our money on.
I really think it is bizarre to hide this kind of stuff from anyone, it is nobody's business but your own anyway.

I agree completely. When I first saw this thread I thought...surely no one does this. Next thing I know we are 2 pages in...hahahaha.
I don't think twice about inheritance either. I would not ever assume anyone would leave me anything. Maybe grandma wants to give her money to charity. Maybe my inlays want to fund some sort of scholarship for years to come. Who knows...there are a million things they could all do with their hard earned money besides giving it to me. If someone chooses to pass money onto me...great. Meanwhile, I am living my life and spending how I see fit.

We have been asked by family members for a loan. Here is the thing...if you need a loan you probably can't afford said item. Therefore, no, we won't lend you money. I am shocked someone upthread loaned $7k to a family member for a vacation.

I will say my DH doesn't know exactly how much our club level vacations cost. But I don't hide the spending from him really. He doesn't ask how much they cost & I just don't volunteer the information either. He says that since I pay the bills & do all the financial stuff, I know what we can afford. Our own little "don't ask, don't tell" policy!

DH and I have this same set up. He knows our trips are expensive, but he also knows I don't splurge on many things. He just says "I don't want to know" if someone mentions the potential costs to him. He makes the money, I run the house/budget. Works for us.

 

[yoopermom]

DH learned terrible habits from his parents that it took me a few years of marriage and joint spending/saving to break him of. DFIL and MIL have always been *extremely* secretive, with each hiding any cash windfalls from each other, hiding new purchases away, bringing them out slowly, etc. They've been "working class poor" all their lives. He would buy and hide items for his fishing hobby, and she would buy stuff off QVC. Just crazy!

Terri

 

[dreamin_disney]

We cannot tell my sister and BIL about any purchases or vacations. Last time they found out, they complained that they never get to go on vacation and if they can “borrow” money to go on one or join us. They still owe me $7000 for a Disney cruise they took with us about a year ago. They never open their wallets if we go out to eat and do not give any gifts at Christmas.

Now they have started borrowing money for various items. We always tell them we have no money or paying a big bill off. My parents have stopped helping since they owe them thousands. We just bought a new car which we refuse to tell them about and my parents got a new fishing boat which will be hidden from them. If they whiff $$ in the air then they will start their typical poor me story.

I have a brother and a sister that always would use the poor me excuse. I finally had to start saying NO! figure if they don't care enough to pay their bills or save up money why should I. I use to always fall for their stories. Then they would spend their money on stupid stuff. Once I had my daughter , my home and my own bills, I finally said no more. Hubby and I work hard and no one has ever helped us.

I don't feel we hide our money or trips . We just don't discuss our finances with family and we don't boast about our trips. I think if you work hard you and your parents shouldn't have to hide the things you've worked for. Enjoy your new car and your parent should enjoy their new fishing boat

 

[SirDuff]

I agree completely. When I first saw this thread I thought...surely no one does this. Next thing I know we are 2 pages in...hahahaha.
I don't think twice about inheritance either. I would not ever assume anyone would leave me anything. Maybe grandma wants to give her money to charity. Maybe my inlays want to fund some sort of scholarship for years to come. Who knows...there are a million things they could all do with their hard earned money besides giving it to me. If someone chooses to pass money onto me...great. Meanwhile, I am living my life and spending how I see fit.

Agreed. First, I don't count on an inheritance (though, because of the timing of my mum's death compared to her parents' deaths, I received a fairly significant amount then). Second, I don't hide my spending in case someone who might leave me money changes their mind.

We have been asked by family members for a loan. Here is the thing...if you need a loan you probably can't afford said item. Therefore, no, we won't lend you money. I am shocked someone upthread loaned $7k to a family member for a vacation.

I admit that I did ask for a loan once (and was given it). But, the circumstances were unusual. I was in Graduate school and my scholarship more than covered tuition and living expenses. In the first two years, the university would defer tuition until the end of the year since the scholarship was basically paid as a salary (e.g. monthly) rather than in an upfront lump sum. However, the rules then changed and they'd no longer defer tuition so I owed the whole thing in September before receiving my scholarship money. I'm in Canada, so it wasn't as bad as it would have been at most US schools, but still a large sum. My brother loaned me about $1,000 (maybe $1,500) to cover me until I had enough of the scholarship funding (which was October or November) but (a) I had a clear means of returning the money and (b) the circumstances weren't really indicative of my not being able to afford said item or poor money management.

 

[kymom99]

My husband is from a large family. His sister is a dear person. One time she asked to borrow $1500. She owns a couple rental properties and one of the renters left her with substantial damage. The bank was going to foreclose because she has no money. We decided to lend her the money, and between the two of us agreed that we did not expect to get it back. And we didn't. It still bothers us a little when she goes to Florida to use her timeshare but it's her only enjoyment. she really doesn't have anything otherwise. Her husband committed suicide and she has a pretty hard life. However, it was a one time deal. We won't do it again. We have a kid in college and barely have enough ourselves.

My brother loaned me money for college way back in the 80s. My parents didn't have it and told him to help me. I paid him back fairly quickly. The thing with him was he has learning problems and doesn't drive. We all helped him get back and forth to work so my parents felt that he could help us out since he had a job but didn't really have bills. He lived at home till he was 40 and paid just a little board to my parents.

 

[aprilchem]

I wouldn't say we hide things from my family, but we don't talk about major purchases we make, trips we plan, etc. We make about 5x what my DS and BIL make, and although they've consciously made the choice to live on a very low income (my BIL, who has a college degree that he could easily use chooses to work in a factory, and my DS chooses to work part-time instead of full time), they still say judgmental stuff about us if we buy something they don't consider "frugal enough" or shop in a store that they think is too expensive. So we just don't mention it.

We also don't talk about our vacations to my ILs; they value things over experiences and we are the opposite, and they don't see the logic of spending $$ on travel when you don't have something tangible to show for it.

 

[Dakota731]

I would never lie to my spouse about money issue and we just don’t talk in too much detail about money with extended family.
However it doesn’t seem right lying to inherit money. I have a lot of friends who spend way beyond their means and are waiting for their inheritance from parents who saved and scrimped all their lives. It is the parents’ right to do what they want with their money when they die - they worked for it and earned it not the freewheeling kids!

 

[piccolopat]

We cannot tell my sister and BIL about any purchases or vacations. Last time they found out, they complained that they never get to go on vacation and if they can “borrow” money to go on one or join us. They still owe me $7000 for a Disney cruise they took with us about a year ago. They never open their wallets if we go out to eat and do not give any gifts at Christmas.

Now they have started borrowing money for various items. We always tell them we have no money or paying a big bill off. My parents have stopped helping since they owe them thousands. We just bought a new car which we refuse to tell them about and my parents got a new fishing boat which will be hidden from them. If they whiff $$ in the air then they will start their typical poor me story.

I honestly don't understand why you are letting them continue to sponge off of you. Until/unless they pay you back for the cruise my answer would always be no, we are not lending you more money until you pay us back, no we are not going out to eat with you until you pay us back, no we are not exchanging gifts with you until you pay us back. I would not be hiding my purchases or trips. If they complain about not having money, you can offer to help them with their budget or perhaps steer them to a site like YNAB. Their financial woes are not your problem.

 

[gmar1210]

I honestly don't understand why you are letting them continue to sponge off of you. Until/unless they pay you back for the cruise my answer would always be no, we are not lending you more money until you pay us back, no we are not going out to eat with you until you pay us back, no we are not exchanging gifts with you until you pay us back. I would not be hiding my purchases or trips. If they complain about not having money, you can offer to help them with their budget or perhaps steer them to a site like YNAB. Their financial woes are not your problem.

Here is the problem. They have plenty of money. They just do not want to spend it. If this was a friend, I would be going after them legally and would have had them sign a promissory note for the money loaned to them but I didn't since they are family. You always assume you will be repaid but we learned our lessons the hard way. We do not give them any $$. If we go out, we ask for separate checks. I only buy gifts for the kids. The problem with them is that they have very poor money management skills. She buys these ridiculously expensive purses and clothes but their fridge is empty. He has this rediculous hobby with drones and RC planes but his truck needs tires. I know if we gave them some $$, it would not go towards food/bills/maintenance.

 

[afan]

Here is the problem. They have plenty of money. They just do not want to spend it. If this was a friend, I would be going after them legally and would have had them sign a promissory note for the money loaned to them but I didn't since they are family. You always assume you will be repaid but we learned our lessons the hard way. We do not give them any $$. If we go out, we ask for separate checks. I only buy gifts for the kids. The problem with them is that they have very poor money management skills. She buys these ridiculously expensive purses and clothes but their fridge is empty. He has this rediculous hobby with drones and RC planes but his truck needs tires. I know if we gave them some $$, it would not go towards food/bills/maintenance.

Everything I have ever heard, including from financial experts, has always said if you loan money to family or friends don't expect to ever get it back and to consider it a gift. Granted all people are different but this is why in most cases I would never do it, I don't have the money to lose but I'm also not in the habit of wasting what I do have.

 

[smiths02]

My family has nothing to leave me. It is really only my mom and uncle. My DH and I already have a long-term plan to build them a little house on our property, and I'm sure we will pay for all final expenses not covered by the government. I do try not to let her know how much we spent on something or what our exact income is. Anything is "rich" to her. And anyone who is rich can never worry or be sad or not have enough money right now.

My DH is an only child. His parents will leave everything to him anyway, even though we are more spendy than they were. By the time they die, I don't think it will be that much money. They give us nice gifts now, and they will probably need some of the money for their care.

 

[Action City]

We have had to start keeping any spending a secret from Dh family as we had a financially hard time for last two years and not got back on our feet, not that they helped us in any way, but they sure have plenty to say..
I hid my new car that we definitely needed when my 14 yr old car kept leaving me on the side of the road at 5 am several times. I definitely wont be telling them about Disney altho I may end up posting on Facebook out of excitement and they are on facebook..
They have never understood our Disney obsession anyway but they have a lot to say about it, my SIL goes out to eat and to bars with her husband a couple times a week, they do small weekend vacations all through the year and a cruise each year so really they spend about as much as we do... but of course ours is different bc its Disney

I'm confused about the bolded. Are you saying you're still in financial straits but bought a new car and have a Disney trip planned? Or are you saying you had a difficult couple years financially but are now back on your feet?

 

[gmar1210]

Everything I have ever heard, including from financial experts, has always said if you loan money to family or friends don't expect to ever get it back and to consider it a gift. Granted all people are different but this is why in most cases I would never do it, I don't have the money to lose but I'm also not in the habit of wasting what I do have.

I completely agree. We don't expect anything back from them. They know they owe us the $$. If they ever bring up they need money, I will just hold that over their head. I have every right to go to their home and collect a few of those expensive purses she has.

 

[McKelly]

We don't tell our family about vacations. They don't have much money and like to invite themselves along and then not contribute. Or complain about money the whole time making us uncomfortable. One time, a sister got "sick" halfway through and saddled us with her kids the rest of the week when she went home and then got miraculously better and spent some nights on the town with her friends. Sigh....

 

[piccolopat]

Here is the problem. They have plenty of money. They just do not want to spend it. If this was a friend, I would be going after them legally and would have had them sign a promissory note for the money loaned to them but I didn't since they are family. You always assume you will be repaid but we learned our lessons the hard way. We do not give them any $$. If we go out, we ask for separate checks. I only buy gifts for the kids. The problem with them is that they have very poor money management skills. She buys these ridiculously expensive purses and clothes but their fridge is empty. He has this rediculous hobby with drones and RC planes but his truck needs tires. I know if we gave them some $$, it would not go towards food/bills/maintenance.

Ok this makes sense but I have to wonder, if "they have plenty of money" why did you lend them money for the cruise in the first place? I really doubt you will ever get this back (and hope I am wrong) but I wouldn't stop asking about it. It would be very different if they truly had no money but that doesn't seem to be the case here. Perhaps you should suggest they pay you so much a month until it is paid back?

 

[disneyeveryyear]

I think an inheritance should be spread out evenly (if more than one) regardless of salary/spending habits of one of the heirs. Unless of course there were other reasons for leaving an heir less/none (I know a few and this does happen). So I am not sure I agree with this but it's their life and there must be a reason for this/they feel the need to do this.

My DH's Grandmother did this (not split evenly). Long story short, my MIL was an only child and died 4 months before her mother did. MIL's will left everything to her mother. If GMIL died first, then MIL's $ would be split 4 ways (evenly) among her 4 children, of which DH is the oldest.

MIL died first and when GMIL died, her will left everything to her daughter, unless she was dead (which she was). If so, then the $ was to be split 45% to each of the girls and 5% to each of the boys.

Neither of my SILs have ever been able to budget $ (one currently owes us $ for living expenses while she was out of work on sick leave). DH and his brother were both married with families and successful. Therefore, the girls NEEDED it more. Of course since she had changed her will 7 months before her death and died with a cause of death of dementia, my DH would have had legal grounds to contest the will. He wouldn't do it. The girls did split a small life insurance policy 4 ways, which we used our portion of for a small trip to WDW.

I have never understood this. My mom split it all 2 ways between me and my sister.

 

[OhMari]

I just heard on the radio this morning that 15% of all married couples have a credit card that the other spouse does not know about. It is pretty easy to set up, with getting your account and bill sent to you online with no mail. The only time you get mail, is when they send you a new card. I think the only way you could pay it though, is if you have a separate checking account.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

Purposely thinking about future inheritance????? I can't imagine.
I've known my entire life there'd be nothing. I was right. My father passed and now every single $$ will go to care for my mom.