HELP my DS 18 is being a jerk and Update I followed through

[manning]

Let the girlfriend's parents know that the car is spending nights at your home. They will probably be quite interested to hear that.

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And let them know, if they don't already, that if your son gets into a serious accident with serious injuries the owner of that car will be included in any law suits.

 

[manning]

Nice! I think this is a great idea. Starting out with kicking him out is too harsh and certainly would be difficult to follow through with as a parent. Just have your ducks in a rwo-what comes after the cell phone. You could put a password on the tvs and computer so he can't have access.

I agree.

OP, if you kick him out, odds are he will quit school and that's opening another can of worms. It's tough being a parent and unfortunately, you are going through one of those times.

The best advice I can offer? Take care of yourself and don't act without serious consideration of the consequences.



OH, I SOOOOO TOTALLY AGREE!!

There is a time in life when we have to take responsibility of our actions. It looks like his time is fast approaching. If he wants to act like an "adult" then he has to take on the responsiblities of an adult. Like my dad told me "life is a tough teacher, some will pass and some will fail. Son you have graduated into life and life is until the day you die. You have a lot of learning to do. good luck."

I don't know any branch of service that isn't requiring a high school diploma. The military wants to recruit men and women who are motivated. They aren't there to babysit.

And if he wants to stay in the service he should be prepared to get a college education.

 

[patsal]

Ok, spoke to the girls mom. She is aware and doesn't care. She is sure the car is insured properly (ok but not for him--she didn't seem to get that) and I have made her aware that I do care and I do not want him to drive that vehicle. She said she understood, but will not tell her DD that my DS cannot drive her car. So much for that! She is aware that they ditched school as well, she attributed it to Senioritis. As others have said she is taking the friend route. I am not. I do have a deadbold that only opens from the inside (no key access), so using it will not be an issue--of course it is not what I want, but it may help to reinforce the idea that I am not a joke and I will follow through, so that it is there and already in place assures that I will be able to follow through if there is a need.

 

[DawnCt1]

Ok, spoke to the girls mom. She is aware and doesn't care. She is sure the car is insured properly (ok but not for him--she didn't seem to get that) and I have made her aware that I do care and I do not want him to drive that vehicle. She said she understood, but will not tell her DD that my DS cannot drive her car. So much for that! She is aware that they ditched school as well, she attributed it to Senioritis. As others have said she is taking the friend route. I am not. I do have a deadbold that only opens from the inside (no key access), so using it will not be an issue--of course it is not what I want, but it may help to reinforce the idea that I am not a joke and I will follow through, so that it is there and already in place assures that I will be able to follow through if there is a need.

The GF's mom is a jerk. She is not alone, there are a lot of jerks who prefer "friends" to "children". Its so much easier.

 

[Missy1961]

How much do you really want to help him? If you really care, take him down to the local recruitment station, tell him, he has to sign up, or find his own place to live. Your tired of all of his whining, and its time for him to grow up.Yea, I know it sounds mean. But your son has absolutely no structure in his life, and no respect for his family. The military will give him both of these. It is time for him to grow up. He can finish High School in the Military, and get a head start on paying for his college education if he elects to go after he has served his tour of duty. Years from now, he will thank you for this.

I don't know any branch of service that isn't requiring a high school diploma. The military wants to recruit men and women who are motivated. They aren't there to babysit.

I was just going to point that the military requires a high school diploma. I kind of doubt that the military wants to be a babysitter as Dawn notes.

 

[ols386]

Ok, spoke to the girls mom. She is aware and doesn't care. She is sure the car is insured properly (ok but not for him--she didn't seem to get that) and I have made her aware that I do care and I do not want him to drive that vehicle. She said she understood, but will not tell her DD that my DS cannot drive her car. So much for that! She is aware that they ditched school as well, she attributed it to Senioritis. As others have said she is taking the friend route. I am not. I do have a deadbold that only opens from the inside (no key access), so using it will not be an issue--of course it is not what I want, but it may help to reinforce the idea that I am not a joke and I will follow through, so that it is there and already in place assures that I will be able to follow through if there is a need.

Wow, the girl's mother sounds like a real gem. Too bad she doesn't seem to care. Senioritis....I might be able to buy that closer to the end of the academic school year, but not so early in the year.

I think you are right to use the dead bolt, if you need to. Maybe if that happens a couple of nights, he might get the message that you are no longer putting up with his current behavior.....on the other hand, he may very well just go back over to the girlfriend's house, and stay there....doesn't sound like her mother would care.....but I doubt that would last very long, because then he won't have money, unless the mother gives it to him, but I kinda doubt that. If he does end up at the girlfriend's house, and stays there for a bit, then so be it.....he'll be back home at your house soon, I would bet money on it.

As a previous poster said, sometimes you just have to practice tough love.

 

[JPN4265]

I don't know any branch of service that isn't requiring a high school diploma. The military wants to recruit men and women who are motivated. They aren't there to babysit.

They have them work towards the GED. He is 18, that's what they look at.

 

[Nancyg56]

I agree with Dawn's plan. He needs to grow up and he sounds far from mature.

I wouldn't be in a hurry to kick him out because I want my kids to go to college if at all possible. But while they are on my dime, they follow my rules. Skipping high school isn't an option ever.

I am a firm believer that kids will push as far as you are willing to roll. Stop rolling.

 

[Sherrypooh]

but I am there too. My 17 yo (18 in dec) is like this only he wouldn't laugh at me to my face anyway. My issue is his father pays child support.. and has successfully convinced my son that "he has more rights" in my house with the child support. His dad just bought him a car... of course, he won't register the car or insure the car but that is a whole nother issue. Only way I get by is my older son (19) has turned out well by the grace of God and this one will one day grow up. I know it is not personal.. and he will regret this just as we all have with our own parents. Just know you are not alone.. and I wish you luck!

 

[Bevin]

I don't know any branch of service that isn't requiring a high school diploma. The military wants to recruit men and women who are motivated. They aren't there to babysit.

The Army National Guard has a GED Plus program where they will take men/women without a high school diploma or GED and will help them to study and take the test.

 

[DawnCt1]

They have them work towards the GED. He is 18, that's what they look at.

No they don't. They may accept a GED but you better have it before you apply.

 

[kellyg403]

First off thank you all for your kind words and your insight into this. He called me for a ride from work so I did pick him up--mostly so I could get a fair night's rest and tackle this today and so DD could have some peace and structure. Tonight I will be having a talk with him, no elevated voices, just matter of fact. WHen I asked last night what made him skip out of school he said that he had followed all the rules for 4 years and felt like he was missing out, knew he'd have a consequesnce at school, but didn't care. He has a Saturday detention on the 17th (the school waits too long for the consequence IMHO, but he also has the SAT on the 10th). He said it was worth it--so lord only knows what they were doing and where they were doing it.
I am getting in touch with her parents about the car--I do not have a phone number any longer, but am hoping that I can find it or I will have to drive up and chat with mom. He is covered on my insurance, but his decisions of late are not well thought out so I will not allow him to drive our cars. I will be pulling the plug on the phone--I really don't have any other choice--I can disconnect it and continue paying for it --his contract is up in November so not a big deal to pay out the extra $10 per month for the 2 months.
My biggest concern is him not completing school. I would like him to remain home until then, but I am willing to lock him out if I have to.

Just a side note from experience. My ds, when he was 18, borrowed my boyfriend, now dh, car. Nice little camero to impress his girl for prom. The next day, he went to take the car to get it detailed in thanks for using it. He hydroplaned on a curve, hit a tree and totaled the car. It was the scariest day for me. Dh's insurance paid for the car etc. 3 months later I got a notice from my insurance company..I had my son insured through them..Geico sued my insurance company for the money BACK. I no longer had clean insurance and the total cost was enormous since the car was, well expensive and a total loss. It drove my insurance premium up. Be aware this could happen.

Kelly

 

[DawnCt1]

The Army National Guard has a GED Plus program where they will take men/women without a high school diploma or GED and will help them to study and take the test.

How would that even be appropriate for her DS? He is 18, doing okay in school and is going to graduate. He wouldn't qualify under their guidelines and even if he did, he would not ship off for training, he would be living at home. He needs to stay in school and be a good boy if he wants "stuff". He will because they all want "stuff". Fortunately no one is 18 forever...or even 19. I don't like 19 either.

The Army National Guard will pay you to get your GED when you enlist. If you don't have either a high school diploma or alternate education credentials (GED, National Guard Youth Challenge, Correspondence Diploma, etc.), we can help. You can enlist under the Army National Guard GED Plus Program. You must have a minimum AFQT score of 31 and a certified transcript showing completion of the ninth grade. You must also meet the following criteria:

a. You must have withdrawn from high school for at least six months prior to your date of application for enlistment. No waivers are authorized.

b. You must be 18 years old or older, or not be eligible to return to your local high school to complete your diploma program.

c. You must score a minimum of 31 on the AFQT. If you score 50 or higher on the ASVAB you may be eligible for other incentives and/or bonuses.

d. Anyone testing positive on the Drug and Alcohol Test (DAT) screening will be immediately discharged from the program. DAT waivers are not authorized.

If you enlist under the GED Plus Program you will not be able to participate in the Split Training Option (STO), and may not be shipped for Initial Entry Training (IET) until you complete the GED Plus Program.

 

[TLSnell1981]

I got a call from the principal that DS#2 had walked out of his algebra II final with his buddy and were headed down to Dunkin Donuts. I got in my shiny white mini van and picked them both up, walked them both into the school and threatened to sit outside of the door while they took their Algebra II final. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't always the TRAIN.

When DS#4 was 16 he had a curfew. He begged for a cell phone. I bought him a Nextel cell phone with Ulocate running in the background. He couldn't see it. He couldn't turn it off. It took him over a year to figure out that he was on GPS. When he was late I would go and get him. He was at an unsupervised party one night when I pulled up. I said to the two boys out on the front steps, "Would you tell DS#4 to come out please". One turned to the other and said, "I don't know how she does it but she always finds him". Boys hate to be embarrassed. If you are willing to embarrass them, they will usually shape up. The biggest embarrassment was when he was 17, a junior in high school and he thought we were out late for the evening. We got home earlier than he anticipated and surprised many of the "guests" who were just arriving. DH is throwing the kids out and I am throwing them back in; making them clean up the mess, dump the beer and calling their parents. I even chased a car full of girls in my evening gown. Yup, I was the talk of the school the next day but I never had a party at my house since then..

Dawn, we're cut from the same cloth. I was never ashamed to embarress my children beyond their wildest imaginations. That worked better than grounding them.

 

[minkydog]

Just a side note from experience. My ds, when he was 18, borrowed my boyfriend, now dh, car. Nice little camero to impress his girl for prom. The next day, he went to take the car to get it detailed in thanks for using it. He hydroplaned on a curve, hit a tree and totaled the car. It was the scariest day for me. Dh's insurance paid for the car etc. 3 months later I got a notice from my insurance company..I had my son insured through them..Geico sued my insurance company for the money BACK. I no longer had clean insurance and the total cost was enormous since the car was, well expensive and a total loss. It drove my insurance premium up. Be aware this could happen.

Kelly

You make a great point and every parent needs to see it. When my oldest was 19 he was ticketed for going 85 in a 25mph school zone. We accompanied him to court(after turning down his request to get a lawyer ) He was fortunate to get a judge who believed in second chances--he got out with community service, driving school, and a hefty fine(*he could have gotten jail time.) As we were leaving the judge took my DH aside and said,"You need to get him off your insurance TODAY. And don't let him drive your car. He's going to hit someone and when he does they're going to come against you. You and your wife stand to lose everything because of your son's poor choices." OMG. What an eye-opener.

We did take DS off our insurance and helped him acquire a car in his name. So far, he hasn't had any accidents but he has had multiple serious speeding tickets, including one for open container. I hate to say it, but I think it's a matter of time before he either hurts himself or somebody else. But, ya know? he's 23yo. Not a boy anymore.

OP, are you hearing this? Get this boy off your insurance. Require him to get his own policy and give you a copy. And don't let him drive your car until he has his own insurance, either.

 

[MrsPete]

The Army National Guard has a GED Plus program where they will take men/women without a high school diploma or GED and will help them to study and take the test.

Actually, I happen to know about the program, and they DO help potential soldiers get a GED.

But it's not like any high school flunkie can walk into the National Guard and say, "I'm tired of high school and parents. YOU educate me." This is a very selective program open only to students who are highly coveted by the military for whatever reason (perhaps high test scores) AND who -- for whatever reason -- don't fit into the traditional high school mold. They might, for example, take a kid into this program who's already 18 and would like to skip his senior year. They take kids who are homeschooled and will not graduate from a traditional high school. They DO NOT take high school flunkies who have poor attendance records and who have shown little in the way of respect for authority. It is a HIGHLY SELECTIVE program, and FEW people are admitted into it.

How do I know this? Last year I had a student very much like the one you're describing -- even planning to go military after graduation. One of the things I said to try to motivate him was that he HAD TO HAVE that diploma to continue his path towards the military, and he (with a heaping helping of arrogance) informed me that he was going to get into this great program. I didn't believe it, of course, but it happened that I ran into a recruiter at lunch that very day -- they hang around the high school all the time -- and I asked him about it. He told me all about it, but he emphasized the selectiveness of the program.

 

[dismom2]

A little OT but there are parents who make it harder for other parents to do their job. They are the parents who have no curfew for their kids and allow other people's children to come and go at all hours of the night, hang out at their homes, etc. If these kids had no place to hang out, which is usually someone elses house, they would be home in their own houses. The same with drinking. We have a "relative" who "knows that teens drink" so she feels that she was being a responsible parent by collecting the keys of kids who were at her house drinking. She is extremely lucky that this "policy" never came back to bite her in a legal sense. The girlfriend's parents in the OP would rather be a "friend" than a parent. That is why there are no limits on the car that her DS has access to. Some parents chose to be popular with their children's peer group by being permissive with their own children and their guests. They may be liked at the time but they aren't respected. There was one underage drinker in our town who was arrested for a DUI twice. His parents sent him to rehab. When he came back to town his mother threw him a keg party! One of the party guests who did attend told me that he was shocked. "Sure it was fun to go to a keg party but a parent who gives one for her kid home from rehab? That was wacked!".

You are so right about those types of parents. I know a couple of them myself. They think it's great being their child-- and their friends' --BFF, but what they really need to do is be a responsible parent. They just don't get it, either.

BTW---love your GPS story!

 

["Got Disney"]

I could give you advice but seems you are getting a lot of that already....so instead here is a hug and flowers We Can never get to many of those.....hope all gets better for you soon.

 

[patsal]

Came home on Wednesday night/Thursday morning at 1:30 was told to be home by 11. Was at another concert, read him the riot act and on Friday he didn't come home at all texted me to say he was at a party and he'd be home Saturday am--Not cool. I locked the door and didn't look back. Of course I am very sad and disappointed, but I know it was the right thing to follow through. I think GF's mom is away this weekend so he will be camping out there no doubt. I am sad he made these choices, but glad that I followed through! I did take the cell phone and house key form him when I turned him away this morning and I told him to call and make arrangements to pick up his things as he cannot just pop in and take this or that whenever he feels like it. I pray I did the right thing and that he gets a clue sooner rather than later.

 

[CJBaby]

No advice, but for you!