HELP my DS 18 is being a jerk and Update I followed through

[Tinijocaro]

Let the girlfriend's parents know that the car is spending nights at your home. They will probably be quite interested to hear that.

If you have your son on a cell phone plan that is within your control, then I suggest that you send him a text notifying him that you are cutting the service off because of his disrespect, then call the company and disconnect the phone. (If they won't let you cancel the service, then get a cheapie phone and have them transfer the number and service to that handset.) If you have the power to do it, killing his phone service should get his attention quite nicely.

When he gets home you can tell him what else you are prepared to cut off, and what he needs to do to prevent that. Come up with something concrete that he needs to do to get the cell phone service back, and don't re-connect it until it is done to your satisfaction.

Realize, however, that if he is inclined to go, then he will go, and you shouldn't cave to get him back under your roof. If he wants to be a grownup, then let him, and don't hold his hand in financial terms. Whether or not he blows it, either way he learns a valuable lesson.

Nice! I think this is a great idea. Starting out with kicking him out is too harsh and certainly would be difficult to follow through with as a parent. Just have your ducks in a rwo-what comes after the cell phone. You could put a password on the tvs and computer so he can't have access.

 

[TLSnell1981]

be very careful of the threats you make. Are you completely willing to enforce them immediately? If not you will look weak when you back down. Like Dawn said jumping right to kicking him out may be too much. There should be a logical progression of consequences that give him a chance to correct himself before you get to that. Also with young men you need to give them a chance to save face. If you say have to leave he may just do that and make mistakes he can't undo. At 18 boys especially are still often immature. The look like men and seem like men but they're really still boys.

I agree.

OP, if you kick him out, odds are he will quit school and that's opening another can of worms. It's tough being a parent and unfortunately, you are going through one of those times.

The best advice I can offer? Take care of yourself and don't act without serious consideration of the consequences.

I

Teenagers make me understand why some species eat their young

OH, I SOOOOO TOTALLY AGREE!!

 

[kellyg403]

OP..many hugs. Don't take it out on yourself and beat yourself up thinking you did something wrong. Sometimes, there is one the crowd who just doesn't quite get it like everyone else. I have 6 children..one didn't get it.

The bad news is that tough love at 18 is way different than tough love at 12
I echo the sentiments of others, be very careful with what you threaten unless you are willing and able to follow through. You must mean what you say and say what you mean. At 18 he is an adult. He will survive, trust me if you lock the doors to him for awhile. He will go to this friend or that friend..because they have promised to be there for him. It will go either two ways..he stands on his own two feet because he finds out his friends version of being there are way different than his parents or he comes back home with a very good idea on how to live by the rules for a nice comfortable place to live.

But, whatever you decide you MUST be able to do it. As hard as it will be. Don't worry about what friends or family say..your son's future may very well be hinged in this moment. This may be the learning lesson of all learning lessons. If he is skipping school I am guessing he isn't doing so well. I am sure the girls parents would also like to know about him driving her car...if they don't care..well that tells you alot about the situation at hand. Let them know your son is NOT allowed to drive the car and it is NOT allowed to be parked on YOUR property overnight. Period. Make his life a little harder.

Trust me..the day my son or daughter laughed at me because I was upset they didn't follow the rules..well, they wouldn't laugh again. You can turn this into a battle or you can be simple and calm..your house your rules. He is welcome to live there following the rules, otherwise..he is correct. He is 18 and the world awaits him.

Kelly

 

[DawnCt1]

Bolding is mine. This is it right there. You STARTED to put his things on the steps. Where did he spend Sunday night? You have not followed through, and this is why he is laughing at you. You need to do exactly what the previous posters have said, change the locks, and lock him out. He's out. He's 18, he can go find out what the real world is like.

An 18yo who laughs at his mother and basically tells her she is nothing, needs his butt kicked. That's horrible.

If you want him to continue to treat you like this, then continue to let him come and go as he pleases. If you want him to respect you as his mother, it will be tough at first, but you need to tell him to shape up or ship out and MEAN IT.

I'm sorry you are dealing with such a horrible son. Not all is lost, but you need to put your foot down and let him know who's boss.

The goal is, help him mature. That works best often by treating him at the level of his behavior. He sounds like a petulant 14 year old. Cut the funds, cut the cell phone, no car, no gas, call the girl's parents and let them know he is driving their car because the OP won't let him drive hers. Turning him out on the street can cause him to fall further behind in school and in a hole that he can't begin to dig himself out of. Changing locks is a big expense. This isn't a divorce. She isn't getting rid of a "bad boyfriend". He may find a sympathetic friend's parents' house to stay in who will make him feel right at home. It may be a friend with far less structure than he would have at home. He isn't necessarily a "horrible son", he is a son who isn't behaving. He will someday grow up to be a very nice young man.

 

[DVC Sadie]

The goal is, help him mature. That works best often by treating him at the level of his behavior. He sounds like a petulant 14 year old. Cut the funds, cut the cell phone, no car, no gas, call the girl's parents and let them know he is driving their car because the OP won't let him drive hers. Turning him out on the street can cause him to fall further behind in school and in a hole that he can't begin to dig himself out of. Changing locks is a big expense. This isn't a divorce. She isn't getting rid of a "bad boyfriend". He may find a sympathetic friend's parents' house to stay in who will make him feel right at home. It may be a friend with far less structure than he would have at home. He isn't necessarily a "horrible son", he is a son who isn't behaving. He will someday grow up to be a very nice young man.

Very well said.

 

[DawnCt1]

When DS#4 was 16 he had a curfew. He begged for a cell phone. I bought him a Nextel cell phone with Ulocate running in the background. He couldn't see it. He couldn't turn it off. It took him over a year to figure out that he was on GPS. When he was late I would go and get him. He was at an unsupervised party one night when I pulled up. I said to the two boys out on the front steps, "Would you tell DS#4 to come out please". One turned to the other and said, "I don't know how she does it but she always finds him". Boys hate to be embarrassed. If you are willing to embarrass them, they will usually shape up. The biggest embarrassment was when he was 17, a junior in high school and he thought we were out late for the evening. We got home earlier than he anticipated and surprised many of the "guests" who were just arriving. DH is throwing the kids out and I am throwing them back in; making them clean up the mess, dump the beer and calling their parents. I even chased a car full of girls in my evening gown. Yup, I was the talk of the school the next day but I never had a party at my house since then..

 

[Pigeon]

I agree with Dawn's plan. He needs to grow up and he sounds far from mature.

I wouldn't be in a hurry to kick him out because I want my kids to go to college if at all possible. But while they are on my dime, they follow my rules. Skipping high school isn't an option ever.

 

[mamacatnv]

I even chased a car full of girls in my evening gown. Yup, I was the talk of the school the next day but I never had a party at my house since then..

 

[eliza61]

Aah the joys of having teenagers in the house.

1) slowly escalate. Get in touch with the girls mother immediately.
2) Get in touch with your DH. Even though he is out of town, he is your back up. He can talk with your son. My husband had to sit my son done during one period and let him know that I was his wife First. That he would respect me or they would be hell to pay.
3) I 3rd Dawnct1 advice. Does he work? No, that means he's on your dime. Cut boyfriend off. No cell phone, no lunch money nada zipp.
4) Get in touch with his guidance counselor. Is there a school psychologist? Could you set up an appointment with him/her. If he's cutting class the school is already involved.

My son went through a period of cutting school. I was very lucky that I was able to change my schedule at work. I went on night shift and literally walk his highness to school. I told him the next step was for me to literally go to class with him.

 

[shortbun]

How is he doing in school? I would guess not so well if he left, but I could be wrong. One of the issues is that he has 'wheels'. No doubt, his girlfriend's parents either pay for the car or have the DD on their insurance policy. If my DD was lending her/my car to anyone, or even letting them drive it, I would want to know. Call them. Escalate things slowly so you can follow through and not cave in. You can follow through with a phone call. You can not allow him to drive your car. Yes, you can throw him out but your goal is to get him to adulthood or atnt least until his "brain is formed". Turning him loose may or may not be a good idea. Only you can know. Changing the locks is expensive, especially if you are going to let him back home. Can you just take his key and lock the house at his curfew?

I know your heart is aching. I know you feel betrayed. Dawn's post has a lot of good points. You need to stay the adult here and be logical rather than emotional. I would add that I'd be checking his room and things for evidence of drug use. Why else would he be out driving around during the school day? His girlfriend may have misrepresented the situation to her parents. Give them a clear picture so they can protect themselves. For sure, he's not covered on their insurance.

 

[Tinijocaro]

What would happen if you called the police and told them that there is a car on your property that doesn't belong to you-you'd like it towed? Let his girlfriend's parents know that you will have it towed if it shows up on your property again-I don't mean you should say this in a angry challenging way but in a "Let's work together on this" way. I suppose ds would just learn to park elsewhere but at least he's have to walk a bit and pay to pick up the car.

 

[tink20]

I don't know, I have a teen daughter, and today she is driving me nuts, because I told her, her boyfriend can't come over today, he has been over every day this weekend, eats dinner with us all the time, I like the boy, but give me a break, I know in a few months it is going to get worse, because she'll be getting her drivers license and she'll be able to date, anyway my DS is a sweetheart, I hope he stays that way.

Good luck with your son. I think I would not allow him to drive his girlfriend's car, would you be responsible if he wrecks it?

 

[DawnCt1]

Let them think that you are totally NUTS and completely unpredictable.

Now, 5 years later, many of these kids that I rounded up use me as a job reference. They do grow up. Really. Just keep them alive long enough to grow up.

 

[DawnCt1]

What would happen if you called the police and told them that there is a car on your property that doesn't belong to you-you'd like it towed? Let his girlfriend's parents know that you will have it towed if it shows up on your property again-I don't mean you should say this in a angry challenging way but in a "Let's work together on this" way. I suppose ds would just learn to park elsewhere but at least he's have to walk a bit and pay to pick up the car.

Never involve the police if you don't have to. First of all, they aren't there to help you raise your children. Unless there is violence, abuse or drug use, let them tend to crime and parents tend to parenting. Secondly, you don't want the parents to claim that the son took the car without their permission, which they could easily do, particularly if there is an accident. Then it becomes "grand theft auto" and NOT the video game.

 

[DawnCt1]

A
My son went through a period of cutting school. I was very lucky that I was able to change my schedule at work. I went on night shift and literally walk his highness to school. I told him the next step was for me to literally go to class with him.

I got a call from the principal that DS#2 had walked out of his algebra II final with his buddy and were headed down to Dunkin Donuts. I got in my shiny white mini van and picked them both up, walked them both into the school and threatened to sit outside of the door while they took their Algebra II final. DS#2 flunked it. He failed Algebra II and had to repeat it the following year. The end of the story? The following year he got an algebra II teacher that inspired him to love math. He took University physics and he is now a mechanical engineer. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't always the TRAIN.

 

[mamacatnv]

Let them think that you are totally NUTS and completely unpredictable.

Now, 5 years later, many of these kids that I rounded up use me as a job reference. They do grow up. Really. Just keep them alive long enough to grow up.

So very true! My DS is 6'4" 265# and he will be the first to tell anyone who asks that he is still afraid of me! Good, that is how it should be, his friends also have a healthy respect, for all the reasons you stated. They never know exactly how far I will go.

 

[stahshee]

can you just try to hold on until school ends for the year then he can be on his own.

 

[~Kik-Kik~]

All people are diffrent. Girls have more issiues and boys are more trouble. Which one you can handle better is what makes one easier than the other. It's very typical for mothers to think that boys are harder to raise, just like fathers think girls are harder to raise. It's just how it is.

There really isn't a good answer. If you are a "Bree" type of woman you could change the locks, but that is very dramatic. Also seeing that you have a husband who will be back soon it seems like a ridiclious action to take without him. WHat you need to do it ride out this time without your husband and when he comes back you both need to come up with something. Maybe it will be changing the locks. Idk, but it's something that you two need to do together.

I say let him drive the car for the time being. Let him get in an accident, and see that you were right. I would love to see his face when he sees the big $$$ he owes his girlfriend. It would also be priceless to see his face when the police pulls him over and they think it's stolen.

If he can't see that driving the car is stupid then he needs to learn the hard way. AGain, just till your husband comes back.

 

[PatsGirl]

OP, I know first-hand what you are going through I spent two years trying to get DS to do what he was asked and do well in school. By the middle of his senior year I was done with it ~ there comes a time that they need to get out and figure it out on their own. I played the "my house, my rules" record over and over until one day he took me up on it. I had already shut him off financially but he was a good worker and managed to keep his truck on the road and pay for his own lunches, etc. He also kept his grades above average. Most importantly, he was respectful of everyone with the exception of me so I know it was a "maturing thing" not something that would continue. Regardless, disrespect of Mom is not allowed

The night he left was the scariest night of my life! I didn't allow him to take anything but his vehicle and the clothes on his back. I went to school the next day to make sure his truck was there (it was, thank goodness for sports, lol) and every day for a week after that. Once I cooled down a little, I dropped a bag of clothes in the back of his truck for him with $20. I never did find out where he had been sleeping. I also called his guidance counselor and was told that he had asked them to not give me any reports, that he was 18 and no longer a minor. Thank goodness I had a good rapport with her and she was more than happy to keep me informed

Three weeks later he showed up at my sister's house and she took him in. A week later she was begging me to take him back home because he was making their lives miserable Nope! He was out of the house from the first of February until mid-May but came home just before his high school graduation after many requests and promises... I missed out on his senior prom although he did allow me to take pictures at my sister's with his group of friends (but it just wasn't the same). I did help him pay for his tuxedo though.

Anyways, he came home for the summer and left the end of August for the Air Force where he just finished up his first year of technical school.

I don't know if I did it right or wrong but it is what it is. We get along pretty well (distance is a great thing for us), he knows I love him and I know he loves me.

 

[tonilea]

Never involve the police if you don't have to. First of all, they aren't there to help you raise your children. Unless there is violence, abuse or drug use, let them tend to crime and parents tend to parenting. Secondly, you don't want the parents to claim that the son took the car without their permission, which they could easily do, particularly if there is an accident. Then it becomes "grand theft auto" and NOT the video game.

Another great point from Dawn!

The police have their hands full with real criminals. They don't have time to enforce your parental laws.