HELP my DS 18 is being a jerk and Update I followed through

[kafitty]

i just wanted to let you know, i am 23 years old, and have been a bit of a problem child myself.

thankfully, i had parents who were incredibly supportive and did whatever it took to get me straightened out. Including paying ~$7000 a year to put me in private high school, when i was hanging out with the "bad" kids in public schools.

go figure, i ended up hanging out with the same kind of people anyway, just in another town. those are the friends who had parents that let us party and hang out, and rarely had any rules or consequences for their kids.

they're not doing so great, now. and they are continually disrespectful towards their parents, cause now that we're all in their 20s, they're not going to magically start listening to mom. it makes me absolutely sick in some cases, since i have developed a relationship with many of my friends parents - it makes me mad my friends are doing whatever to them, but it can be sooo tough to not just shrug my shoulders at times and say, "Well, what did you expect?!"

i was actually just discussing last night with my neighbor, what a difference parents really can make. Myself, my neighbor, my brother, and one of our best friends all grew up together - literally, the best friend lived with us for a long time, because his parents couldn't get their act together enough to be there for him. Now myself, the neighbor, and my brother are all college graduates - because we had our parents supporting us and encouraging us the entire way (perhaps i shouldn't use "encourage" - college WAS NOT AN OPTION). Our buddy? Not so...it was a sad, sad day when the three of us were in our caps & gowns (took them four years, me five...oops! ) and the fourth was just in his plain clothes...he may have his own car & apartment, but that boy works so hard and in 5 or 10 years, i'm really afraid he'll have nothing to show for it.


so now that i've written a book, lol, i just wanted to reiterate that YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. i know it's awful, but you must end this now, or prepare to be manipulated and hurt for the rest of your life.

 

[patsal]

OP
I'm definately with you on this, but.....where was the olive branch in what you described? I don't see it. What you stated you said actually sounds cold. Really, I think you are doing the right thing. He absolutely can not be doing what he is doing and get away with it. Have you told him you love him and want him to be safe and can not abide with him acting in such a risky way ( both short term and long term ) ? I have an 18 yo myself that has a terrible attitude ( just with me, everyone else loves her) and I know is taking risks that she may some day regret. She's a feshman in college and currently commutes. I really don't think she is going to make it living at home for all 4 years of school. I'm trying to keep the balance of rules/ freedom to give her the best start in life, which means staying at home as long as possible. When her behavior causes enough ******* that it effects my 2 younger kids, she will have to move out, no choice. It really is a tough situation. You've stated that you've been keeping control of your emotions. That's great as long as you're talking about anger. Tell your son how much you love him and want to protect him and be sincere. If he still decides to stay away, at least you did everything you could. I would also tell him that he is welcome back home at anytime he decides to obey your rules. This will help him "save face" if he decides to move out ( which he may, it always sounds good at the time, especially to a teenager)

Oh, maybe I didn't explain that well. I shared with him that I am sorry that he has decided to move out, that I wish he would reconsider and that the rules we have are not for punishment but for structure and because we love him. I also explained that he is welcome home when he is ready to follow the rules. I am not showing any anger or bitterness, but I refuse to break down and turn in to a puddle in front of him either, though I do get choked up when I talk to him and I am sure he hears that in my voice.

 

[patsal]

I haven't read through your entire thread, yet. You are not a failure. The way a son learns how to treat his mother is from his father. Even though you were home alone for that week with your son, your husband should have called and had words with your son.

OK, now I'm off to read the rest of the thread.

My DH treats me very well and has set a stellar example to my DS as how to treat any female. The issue is DS evades his father and pulls most of his antics when DH is away so DH doesn't see any of it--I have always dealt with problems head on and have almost all issues solved before DH gets home to deal with it. DS won't take DH's phone calls and has made no attempt to talk with his father at all on this. DH is very calm--an only child who does not deal well with chaos--so maybe herein lies the issue--I take care of it all and he never has to deal with it! In any event DH wants to talk to DS, but wants to talk with him in person not via text or email.

 

[minkydog]

My DH treats me very well and has set a stellar example to my DS as how to treat any female. The issue is DS evades his father and pulls most of his antics when DH is away so DH doesn't see any of it--I have always dealt with problems head on and have almost all issues solved before DH gets home to deal with it. DS won't take DH's phone calls and has made no attempt to talk with his father at all on this. DH is very calm--an only child who does not deal well with chaos--so maybe herein lies the issue--I take care of it all and he never has to deal with it! In any event DH wants to talk to DS, but wants to talk with him in person not via text or email.

You know, sometimes despite providing them all the advantages, opportunities, and the best parenting we can muster our children decide to walk the other way. They have the right to make stupid decisions and rip up their parents' hearts, unfortunately. We're going through it right now with DS23. It grieves me terribly that he has turned his back on us. Any time we see him we tell him we love him and miss him. I send him text messages and voice mail now and then telling him we love him, but he never returns them. I can feel your pain in your postings and I just wanted to say you are--we are--doing the right thing. Enabling an adult child to live like an adolescent doesnt do them anything good. Our boys are resourceful; they have found other people to mooch off of. Sooner or later they will face the music. All we can do is try to keep the lines of communication open and available for the day they decide to return to the fold.

Live strong, mama.

 

[patsal]

DS talked to my sister on Sunday, but nothing really changed. While at work I got a call from school today saying he wasn't there, I asked them to double check and then suggested they call DS's GF's mom since he was living there. Just in case he was sick or something I texted his GF's mom expecting not to get an answer since she has yet to actually tell me he is there. She texted that she was at work, the kids left at the usual time this morning for school, and that she had heard nothing about her DD. So I still don't know if he was at school or not, though I did text him to see if he was feeling well. No response. They have no school tomorrow so I will not be able to call school until Wednesday to find out. I know he got his SAT scores and they were low--just under 1000.
DD's teacher pulled her aside at school today and she shared her perspective with the teacher who responded "Wow, that is totally not what your brother told me!" I kind of chuckled since I figured he was laying on a pretty thick sob story of how awful home is becasue we have a few rules!

 

[It'sWDW4me]

DD's teacher pulled her aside at school today and she shared her perspective with the teacher who responded "Wow, that is totally not what your brother told me!" I kind of chuckled since I figured he was laying on a pretty thick sob story of how awful home is becasue we have a few rules!

Well of course he has to lay it on thick otherwise he'd garner no sympathy from anyone. How much ya wanna bet that's why GF's mom won't talk to you? He's probably painted such an atrocious picture of his "repressive, despotic" parents that she's decided to "protect" him from you! I don't intend to make light of the situation, just the fact that people take as gospel what someone tells them when it isn't even remotely factual. What your DS will learn is that, eventually, people learn the truth. GF's mom will figure it out (it may take months) and set him out on his ear.

My ex bashed me to his second wife. She bought into it for years until he did the same crap to her that he did to me. She's told me lately some of the stories he told her and it made me sick - the garbage he's spewed!

For your son's sake, I hope the truth comes out sooner than later. Keep telling your side to anyone involved who will listen. Leave a message for GF's mom if she won't talk to you. There's a good chance that whatever he told the teacher is what he's telling just about everyone.