HELP my DS 18 is being a jerk and Update I followed through

[dawson5]

This is what I have to look forward to. My oldest DS is 16 (soon to be 17) and is mouthy and contrary.

I would sit down with the girlfriend's parents and explain about the car and make sure it does not come back. Someone raised the point of theft but what about the insurance. He should be covered under their policy, if he wrecks it should be covered by their policy. This will raise all kinds of policy questions which they need to be aware of. When our bill comes it always has the "no male or unmarried female drivers under the age of 25." Hubby lent his car to his secretary, she wrecked it and said "no worries I have insurance." Our insurance agent told us that the insurance follows the car, not the driver. This effected our policy, we lost our 10 yr+ accident free rate. So you have to wonder if he is driving her car, their insurance agent probably is not aware of this and it might effect their coverage (unless they have licensed boys). Does this open you up to a lawsuit also?

Good luck.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This is what I have to look forward to. My oldest DS is 16 (soon to be 17) and is mouthy and contrary.

I would sit down with the girlfriend's parents and explain about the car and make sure it does not come back. Someone raised the point of theft but what about the insurance. He should be covered under their policy, if he wrecks it should be covered by their policy. This will raise all kinds of policy questions which they need to be aware of. When our bill comes it always has the "no male or unmarried female drivers under the age of 25." Hubby lent his car to his secretary, she wrecked it and said "no worries I have insurance." Our insurance agent told us that the insurance follows the car, not the driver. This effected our policy, we lost our 10 yr+ accident free rate. So you have to wonder if he is driving her car, their insurance agent probably is not aware of this and it might effect their coverage (unless they have licensed boys). Does this open you up to a lawsuit also?

Good luck.

I have to echo this. You absolutely need to talk to the parents about them allowing your son to take their car.

Not too mention the fact, he may be dropping the girlfriend off at a decent hour, the parents and the GF thinking he is going straight home and he is staying out late with their car.

I am going to take a stab in the dark and say I bet they have no clue he is doing that. They need to be aware of this info.

 

[barkley]

check with your insurance agent as well. my insurance follows my car but i'm also insured such that when i drive anyone elses car there's some coverage. it's in case they have the bare bones minimum and it's deemed to be my fault with expenses in excess of their coverage. and like someone else said-my insurance won't cover anyone under 25, so if they borrowed my car with my knowledge my insurance would be void.

you might be paying for insurance that specificaly precludes him driving any cars other than your own-so if he gets into an accident with her car it could effect your rates/rating.

he can also be putting you in a situation with your homeowner's insurance. if you live in a home (including adult non homeowners/non renters) and your car or a car you borrow is broken into (on the property or elsewhere) it's your homeowner's policy that has to be used for any theft inside the vehical (so if they rip off the stereo, steal any stuff in the trunk/in the car). your son, as an adult borrowing the car from his gf is technicaly taking responsibility for that vehical-but should it get broken into, it's YOUR homeowner's insurance that will take the hit (had this happen to me when i was in college-car got broken into and between stereo, text books and odd stuff it totaled over $1000-some of it belonged to a friend from whom i had borrowed. i had no choice-car insurer referred the claim to my mom's homeowner's insurance. fortunatly she had never done a claim with them before so it did'nt raise her rates-these days it seems like even a small claim can skyrocket the cost if not trigger a policy cancellation).

 

[tomthebarncat]

I was just as nasty to my dad, back in the day! he told me to get up, get out the free ride was over, then proceeded to change all the door locks. While, this is drastic! I do suggest that your legally adult son, pay room and board! 50 bucks a week is a good place to start. He obviously has money, if he has a girlfriend, so why not turn his nasty attitude into a money making opportunity!! He can come and go with certain established parameters and as long as he understands that the freedom he so desparetly wants is not so free!! he may change his attitude and realize that mom is not such a downer!! good luck, if this was my kid, I would take him to the nearest military recruiter!! that would be my kick in his pants!!

 

[patsal]

First off thank you all for your kind words and your insight into this. He called me for a ride from work so I did pick him up--mostly so I could get a fair night's rest and tackle this today and so DD could have some peace and structure. Tonight I will be having a talk with him, no elevated voices, just matter of fact. WHen I asked last night what made him skip out of school he said that he had followed all the rules for 4 years and felt like he was missing out, knew he'd have a consequesnce at school, but didn't care. He has a Saturday detention on the 17th (the school waits too long for the consequence IMHO, but he also has the SAT on the 10th). He said it was worth it--so lord only knows what they were doing and where they were doing it.
I am getting in touch with her parents about the car--I do not have a phone number any longer, but am hoping that I can find it or I will have to drive up and chat with mom. He is covered on my insurance, but his decisions of late are not well thought out so I will not allow him to drive our cars. I will be pulling the plug on the phone--I really don't have any other choice--I can disconnect it and continue paying for it --his contract is up in November so not a big deal to pay out the extra $10 per month for the 2 months.
My biggest concern is him not completing school. I would like him to remain home until then, but I am willing to lock him out if I have to.

 

[tomthebarncat]

He has a job and a bad attitude!! I would seriously consider the 50$ bucks a week, it will definitely give him something to think about. As for locking him out, my dad let me pitch a tent in our front yard, after he locked me out and I had no where to go!! He was so fed up with me!!

 

[tonilea]

Charging rent could come back to bite you in the behind. During my senior year in HS, I worked full time and my parents charged rent. Since I was of age and paying rent, I really thought I could do whatever I wanted.

I did end up moving out during my senior year, though I did finish HS. (with a scholarship.... that I didn't use)

 

[~Kik-Kik~]

Charging rent could come back to bite you in the behind. During my senior year in HS, I worked full time and my parents charged rent. Since I was of age and paying rent, I really thought I could do whatever I wanted.

I did end up moving out during my senior year, though I did finish HS. (with a scholarship.... that I didn't use)

I was about to say that. It easily can backfire, giving them MORE freedom.

Locking kids out of the house honestly seems desperate. Like the last straw from a weak parent. Hopefully you and your husband can work on him together so it dosnt come to that. It will strain your relationship for a loooong.

 

[karibritt01]

I would take away anything and everything, so that when he gets home from school he has nothing left. Start with every item in his bedroom except for toiletries, bed, and some clothing. If he wants his pocessions back, then he can earn them. Pocessions are a priviledge, not a right. Rent a storage unit to keep the stuff in so that he has no way to access it. Next, cut off his cell phone, take his driving priviledges, etc. Transport him to and from school and work. Get the girlfriends insurance info from the glovebox of the car, then let the girlfriends parents know that you do not want him to have use of her car, and that you will notify their insurance company that an uninsured driver has free use of their vehicles... that should scare them. Also let them know that if they can't uphold your rules, then you are no longer obligated to uphold theirs... so don't come knocking when their daughter is drinking and pregnant. And get your DH on board with the discipline. The fact that your DS chooses to act out when your DH is gone is telling, and your DH needs to help insure that the rules are followed whether he is there or not.

 

[minkydog]

OP, you won't get any flames from me. I've been down this same road with my DS23 and it really is hard. You say that your son is a "good kid", but then you say he's disobedient, disrespectul, and he humiliates you. That's not a "good kid". He's showing you his character and you'd best believe him.

That's not to say that you "made him that way." It seems you have bent over backward to give him good things, to be good parents(I'm assuming that neither of you is a rage-filled alcoholic gang-banger.) The hardest thing to really understand as a parent is how our wonderful little children can grow up to make such bad decisions. Ugly is as ugly does and your son qualifies. Teens make up their own minds as to what they want to do and how they want to act, regardless of how they're raised. So, NO, you did not do this.

OP, your DH needs to get on-board here. He needs to step forward and let this boy know that he WILL NOT treat you, his wife, in a disrespectful way. The two of you have to figure out what consequences you can enforce. If you make rules, but there's no discipline for breaking the rules, then why have rules at all??

I'm with the other posters who say don't throw him out. He's making some mistakes and it's best that he does that in the bosum of his family. However, you can certainly stop the cell phone, PS2, Xbox, & DSL, take his keys away, and stop chauffering him around. He needs a ride to school? Too bad. He can walk a mile, plenty of us have done it. He needs a ride to or from work? If it's 2 miles or less, get him a bicycle and tell him to ride. There is no reason for you to be dancing to his tune.

I won't go into the whole story about my son, but trust me when I say Nip this in the bud, now. We just had a show-down with DS23 about 2 months ago when he out-right refused to do his laundry, clean his room, pay rent, do chores, and get a job. So we yanked the DSL. He left 30 min later in a huge huff and he is now "punishing" us by not responding to our calls or texts. I felt terrible when he left--I didn't want it to be that way.But you know? *He* chose the time. *He* chose to disregard our rules and flaunt them in our faces.

I would not throw out a kid who is in his final year of HS--it's too important that he get that diploma. But if this behavior continues after graduation I would certainly pull the plug on his cushy life at home. Tough love, my friend.

 

[patsal]

DS and I had a very long talk last night. I told him that he needs to take responsibility for his actions, and I explained why I do not want him using DGF's car. From his tone and such I know he will not discontinue this behavior. I did try to call her Mom, but got nowhere after leaving a VM that was not returned. I'm guessing she knows--how can you not miss an SUV not being parked in the driveway while your DD is home?
I have told DS that he is not as "good" as he thinks he is and that good kids don't break rules or treat others disrespectfully. I will be having a long discussion with DH and then another with DH and DS. I have told DS that after graduation he needs to choose a "dorming" school or get a full time job and move out. I explained how it wouldn't be fair for me to deprive him of his independence and that I would only be setting him up to make some girl a very unhappy wife someday if I did!
In the meantime I will not be renewing his cell phone contract in November but I have no intention of kicking him out while he is in HS--I will however, not hesitate to lock him out and let him figure it all out on his own if it comes to that. Overall he carries a very low B average--he is not in danger of not graduating but definately on the fast track to Community College--which is fine because he still doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up--I'd suggest psychology or philosophy since he likes to talk in circles and attemps to psychoanalyze me so much! Whatever he chooses it will not be a live at home andcommute thing!

 

[RitaE]

In the meantime I will not be renewing his cell phone contract in November but I have no intention of kicking him out while he is in HS--I will however, not hesitate to lock him out and let him figure it all out on his own if it comes to that. Overall he carries a very low B average--he is not in danger of not graduating but definately on the fast track to Community College--which is fine because he still doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up--I'd suggest psychology or philosophy since he likes to talk in circles and attemps to psychoanalyze me so much! Whatever he chooses it will not be a live at home andcommute thing!

You know it is terrible to say but the best thing that ever happened to my older son's and I relationship was him going to college and moving out of my house. It allows him to be all Mr. Independent and it allows me not to have constantly stress over maintaining my house rules. We're friends now. He calls me a couple of times a week, we chat about his classes - he listens to my opinions and asks for advice. In addition I often get 2 or 3 text messages a day from him, a joke he heard or something he saw on the news.

I like having him home for 3 or 4 days at a time but beyond that -- blech. We're right back to where we were before with me going screamy hissy you'll do what I say or else and him going oh yeah? Make Me!

When he comes home now he's told ... in our house by 2am or you call and leave a message on my voicemail letting me know where you are spending the night. He knows that any trouble he creates is his to clean up, and really doesn't create all that much trouble. It works.

 

[MizTink]

ah the

"I'm an adult and you can't make me" year. Love that one.

So the usual questions Mom ... who is paying for the cell phone, car insurance, gas money? etc etc etc? What can we smack him with as a consequence?

please tell me it will only last a year??? my son is there, but he's only 16 and thinks he's a grown man that can do as he pleases.
maybe i should have beat him when he was younger......... i don't see this coming with my daughters. they are only 10 & 14, but they just seem like they will be different. i hope i'm right!!
i love all my kids so much, but they sure can be challenging!

 

[dawson5]

please tell me it will only last a year??? my son is there, but he's only 16 and thinks he's a grown man that can do as he pleases.
maybe i should have beat him when he was younger......... i don't see this coming with my daughters. they are only 10 & 14, but they just seem like they will be different. i hope i'm right!!
i love all my kids so much, but they sure can be challenging!

I always threaten to wash mine in hot water so they'll shrink.

 

[JPN4265]

I need to vent! DS is 18 still in High School--my holding him back in Kindergarten is now biting me back!
He skipped school on Friday--left for the day after 2nd period. He doesn't have his own wheels, but his girlfriend does so she lets him do whatever he wants with her car. She can't drive past 9pm becasue she has a jr. liscense so he drives her home then brings the car here. I have told him he should nto be driving it, went through allthe reasons why he shouldn't, he just doesn't care. He has a midnight curfew, rolled in at 1:30 Sunday Morning. I told him if he can't follow simple rules he will have to leave. I started to put his stuff on the step. He laughed at me, then left for work.
I am strict but not unreasonable. He makes tons of poor choices, but I try to be supportive. I discussed simple respect and how I feel when he doesn't follow rules and he again laughed and told me that I was nothing (not in exactly those words). SO I am here crying and feeling like a parental failure and I have no one to back me up on this since DH is in AZ for the week. The kid pulls this kind of thing all the time when he knows I am on my own to just put up with him, but I am feeling like I can't be bullied anymore. While I want him to be a good person to others I feel liek he shouldnt treat me like trash. I'm guessing I did a million things wrong while raising him, but I cna't quite pinpoint it. DD is a great kid--I ahve the same set of rules and expectations for them both, spend tons of time withthem both, take them palces, buy them stuff, do everything for them. One appreciates it and one can't take it all for granted quite enough. I am just so hurt! Any advice? I'm guessing that since he is still in HS I cna't just tell him OUT!

How much do you really want to help him? If you really care, take him down to the local recruitment station, tell him, he has to sign up, or find his own place to live. Your tired of all of his whining, and its time for him to grow up.Yea, I know it sounds mean. But your son has absolutely no structure in his life, and no respect for his family. The military will give him both of these. It is time for him to grow up. He can finish High School in the Military, and get a head start on paying for his college education if he elects to go after he has served his tour of duty. Years from now, he will thank you for this.

 

[mcco5543]

I think that is a great solution. Locking a kid out at any age can put a huge strain on your parent/child relationship that will never fully recover. if you remove privledges and he chooses to leave that's one thing. But i'm not sure locking him out would be best in the long run if you want a relationship with your child. For what it's worth, im' so proud of you for following yoru instincts and actually communicating with your son. Keep following through!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

When my 18yodd announced that she didn't have to follow the rules, we announced she is free to move out.

Now granted she was already graduated. She has a BF in TX who she misses. Of course she wants to go be with him.

We told her that she can pack a suitcase and we would buy her a plane ticket (one way) and she can go and be with him.

Now my dd knows we are not BSing her, we don't play games here. And while we said we would be terribly disappointed that she is chucking going to college and getting herself on track with our help, we understand if she needs to go and do it on her own. Hey, some kids do that.

After talking with the BF, she came back with she was not ready to do that. However that day may still come. The same offer will be there.

 

[DawnCt1]

How much do you really want to help him? If you really care, take him down to the local recruitment station, tell him, he has to sign up, or find his own place to live. Your tired of all of his whining, and its time for him to grow up.Yea, I know it sounds mean. But your son has absolutely no structure in his life, and no respect for his family. The military will give him both of these. It is time for him to grow up. He can finish High School in the Military, and get a head start on paying for his college education if he elects to go after he has served his tour of duty. Years from now, he will thank you for this.

I don't know any branch of service that isn't requiring a high school diploma. The military wants to recruit men and women who are motivated. They aren't there to babysit.

 

[brockash]

I don't have answers for all of it, but the best thing I can recomend is the curfew thing. Let him know ahead of time, that the doors will be locked at midnight, and anyone not in the house will not be allowed in until, 6 am (or whatever time you usually get up.) I know it sounds a little harsh, but it's completely disrespectful of him. Let him know ahead of time, and hopefully you have or can get one of the top lock things (where you can't open it with just a key, someone inside has to actually open it) if not I'd change the locks and not give him a key to the deadbolt, or whatever you can lock for after curfew. Good luck, and boy am I dreading those teen years.

 

[DawnCt1]

A little OT but there are parents who make it harder for other parents to do their job. They are the parents who have no curfew for their kids and allow other people's children to come and go at all hours of the night, hang out at their homes, etc. If these kids had no place to hang out, which is usually someone elses house, they would be home in their own houses. The same with drinking. We have a "relative" who "knows that teens drink" so she feels that she was being a responsible parent by collecting the keys of kids who were at her house drinking. She is extremely lucky that this "policy" never came back to bite her in a legal sense. The girlfriend's parents in the OP would rather be a "friend" than a parent. That is why there are no limits on the car that her DS has access to. Some parents chose to be popular with their children's peer group by being permissive with their own children and their guests. They may be liked at the time but they aren't respected. There was one underage drinker in our town who was arrested for a DUI twice. His parents sent him to rehab. When he came back to town his mother threw him a keg party! One of the party guests who did attend told me that he was shocked. "Sure it was fun to go to a keg party but a parent who gives one for her kid home from rehab? That was wacked!".