HELP my DS 18 is being a jerk and Update I followed through

[me-lady]

just caught up on this whole thread and wow, I'm sure glad I'm not back in those years again. my son is 30 and married. DD 27, single, living on her own. DD is very responsible, DS even bums toilet paper from me when he comes over. He moved out at 25, after big argument. He was a good kid, never problems with the law or anything, but needed (s) to grow up. It used to really upset me when collection agencies called, then after awhile, I started just giving them his cell phone number.

Tough love is exactly what it says it is, tough. DS's wife is not any more responsible than he is, but they are starting to grow up a little, her parents quit helping out so much too.

It's hard, but sometimes it really is best for them. They have to learn sometime.

Good luck and hugs.

 

[minkydog]

My mom had to give my brother the boot when he was 18. It was a difficult thing for her to do and for my sister and I to see, but I saw my mom's end and knew it had to be done. The last straw was when he hocked the family stereo system and sold most of my albums to a used record store (some of them were autographed). He even faked a burglary at our house once. Ransacked the whole place and stole certain items that he could sell/hock, one of those items being my high school class ring that I saved up and paid for myself. The police figured out it was an "inside job."

He lived with at his girlfriend's parents for awhile, but that didn't last long. Then he floated from friend to friend until he ran out of places to stay. I remember one night he had nowhere to go and was knocking on my bedroom window begging me to give him a blanket!

Eventually he came back home and my mom had it out with him. He got his GED and a job at a grocery store. He stayed with the grocery career and is a produce manager at a grocery store chain here almost 28 years later. Not the best job in the world, but he's been loyal and is a hard worker. Looking back now he knows he made a lot of dumb choices as a teen and wishes he could do it all over again. He is now going through the same thing with his oldest son and wishes his son would not make the same mistakes he made. He's very close with my mom to this day, so all may not be lost OP. Hang in there!

This post gives me hope. OP, we've been going through some of the same stuff with our DS23 this summer. It culmiated in a huge temper tantrum on his part, following by him leaving in a huff and never speaking to us again. Guess he showed us.

just caught up on this whole thread and wow, I'm sure glad I'm not back in those years again. my son is 30 and married. DD 27, single, living on her own. DD is very responsible, DS even bums toilet paper from me when he comes over. He moved out at 25, after big argument. He was a good kid, never problems with the law or anything, but needed (s) to grow up. It used to really upset me when collection agencies called, then after awhile, I started just giving them his cell phone number.

Tough love is exactly what it says it is, tough. DS's wife is not any more responsible than he is, but they are starting to grow up a little, her parents quit helping out so much too.

It's hard, but sometimes it really is best for them. They have to learn sometime.

Good luck and hugs.

They do have to learn on their own. Some people can only learn the hard way. DS23 was like your son, never in trouble with drugs or police, but just didn't want to do what he should. Blew off school, barely graduated. Can't seem to cut college. Out of work, not looking for a job. He's living with his GF right now, since he stormed out of our house. I don't think his life has gotten difficult enough yet. He's going to have to hit bottom I'm afraid.

OP, you're doing the right thing. I understand the feelings of guilt, sorrow, regret, fear, and everything else that a parent feels when they have to take a stand with a wayward child. We are going through this ourselves and it really hurts. But we have to stand strong. Begging him to come back is exactly the WRONG thing to do. Because he's not going to change, not yet. I hope, as some others have said, that eventually our sons will come to their senses and become tax-paying, law-abiding citizens to be proud of. But the ball is in their court. We have come to the end of our parenting with these boys. Now they have to fend for themselves. I think this is way harder on us than it is on them.

 

[Mad4Mickey]

just a

 

[manning]

Stick with the tough love.

My cousin had a close friend who wouldn't give her three kids tough love and was a push over. Boy was their lives messed up because of it.

 

[momof1princess]

just a you're doing the right thing, OP, i know first-hand. my grandmother never cut the strings with my mom or uncle-my uncle drank and drugged himself to death and my mother has bounced from man-to-man for 30 years and is in the process of filing bankruptcy (she even got a credit card in grandma's name and maxxed it out, which grandma found out about and paid off for her!). i know things may seem bad right now, but hang in there, your son will thank you for this kick in the pants one day.

 

[dismom2]

Another
Hang in there, OP.

 

[patsal]

I notified his Guidance Counselor, but I have not heard from him at all. My guess is that GF's mom has him all snug and cozy in her home. He has to be running out of clothing and I'm not sure he has his bookbag, but he might have it with him.
I am really bumming today as I am at work--since I teach High School I am surrounded by kids like him.

 

[ma2jr]

I'm sorry your going through this...

 

[Rora]

OP, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how incredibly heartbreaking must be but I think you're doing the right thing.

Keep us updated!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I notified his Guidance Counselor, but I have not heard from him at all. My guess is that GF's mom has him all snug and cozy in her home. He has to be running out of clothing and I'm not sure he has his bookbag, but he might have it with him.
I am really bumming today as I am at work--since I teach High School I am surrounded by kids like him.

You know sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Some kids want to go and forge their own path. While it is terribly disappointing, forcing your son to adhere to your path is not going to help either.

Just keep moving forward OP.

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

You are doing the best for your son and your DD. Hang in there.

 

[manning]

You've done the best you can, now it is his turn to take responsibity for his own life. After all he has to live it and what he does affects him. Don't go on a quilt trip!!

 

[TanyaLovesPooh]

I notified his Guidance Counselor, but I have not heard from him at all. My guess is that GF's mom has him all snug and cozy in her home. He has to be running out of clothing and I'm not sure he has his bookbag, but he might have it with him.
I am really bumming today as I am at work--since I teach High School I am surrounded by kids like him.

Tough love is always hard, but you are doing what his best for him even if it doesn't feel like it. Try to keep your spirits up and keep telling yourself you did the right thing, I totally believe that you did.

 

[MELSMICE]

Hope things get smoothed out soon.

 

[manning]

Something amazing happens to parents. When the child is 18 the parents are total jerks and don't know anything. When the child is 21 they are amazed at how much the parents have learned and matured.

 

[patsal]

Now my Mother, AKA the strictest person I know, is telling me that I should be worried, what if he is in a ditch somewhere. I am certain he has been at work everyday , am certain he was at school today and though I wish he would come home I cannot cave on this. I explained to her that I want him to come back home and finish high school before leaving home, but that I cannot have him come and go as he pleases with no respect for me. He is her first grandson (and she always wanted boys, but only had girls) so in her eyes he can do no wrong.

 

[manning]

Now my Mother, AKA the strictest person I know, is telling me that I should be worried, what if he is in a ditch somewhere. I am certain he has been at work everyday , am certain he was at school today and though I wish he would come home I cannot cave on this. I explained to her that I want him to come back home and finish high school before leaving home, but that I cannot have him come and go as he pleases with no respect for me. He is her first grandson (and she always wanted boys, but only had girls) so in her eyes he can do no wrong.

Tell grandma that when someone can't do no wrong then he has the ability to walk on water. No one is that perfect.

 

[kellyg403]

Op just some hugs and more 'you did the right thing'! I know the road you are traveling is full of guilt and you wish just one thing would happen to change it all. And it still might. Or maybe your son will have to walk the path he has made and find out how it really is. I went to my dd's work those first couple weeks and just sat there until I saw her go in. I would be driving down the road and see her pass by in a car and she always looked like she was having the time of her life. I was sad and heartbroken and she appeared to be happy with being 'free' for a lack of better word.

But, after a few months things weren't so wonderful and then the healing began for us. I didn't cave for a year. She was already graduated but really she couldn't live here anymore until she understood the rules are for everyone and respecting each other was the biggest one of all. She has been back home a year this christmas...we have had our bumps but she has now seen the other side. I am wishing and hoping the same for you.

As for grandma...well..unless she is willing to have him stay with her and have no rules, I am not sure exactly what to say to deal with that. Other mind your own business. Thats the beauty of being a grandparent, she is not responsible for raising your son.

Good luck OP..may this all be short lived.

Kelly

 

[minkydog]

Now my Mother, AKA the strictest person I know, is telling me that I should be worried, what if he is in a ditch somewhere. I am certain he has been at work everyday , am certain he was at school today and though I wish he would come home I cannot cave on this. I explained to her that I want him to come back home and finish high school before leaving home, but that I cannot have him come and go as he pleases with no respect for me. He is her first grandson (and she always wanted boys, but only had girls) so in her eyes he can do no wrong.

Stick to your guns, mom. Grandma is thinking with her heart, of course--that's what grandmas do. She's grieving just as you are.

I am reading a really good book about this subject. It's called "Parents Who Care Too Much" by James M. Farris, PhD. It's about 125 pages and an easy read. The subject of the book is parental codependency with teens & young adults(and older adults) who have addictions, alcoholism, or are engaging in risky and inappropriate behaviors. It has been very informative to me and has actually helped me let go of some of the overwhelming guilt I feel about my broken relationship with my DS23.

My husbands grandmother had 4 children. Of the 4, 2 of them were financially and materially dependent on her for their entire lives. It sickened me to see the 2 grown men, in their 60s! living off there mother! She bought them homes, cars, boats. She gave them cash over and over. And they treated her like dirt! Talked to her in the most ugly manner, humiliated her in front of family, intentionally inflicted hurt on her.They just about bled her dry before she finally died at age 97. Can you imagine? That is a life I DO NOT WANT!

Start today remembering not just the bad times with your son. Remember that things were not always bad. There have surely been good times. This exercise is not meant to make you feel guilty. It's meant to relieve you of regrets--you may have done some things wrong(we all have) but you had to have done some things right. Even the worst parents get some things right. And I'm sure you're not "the worst." Some times were great. If we can't take all the credit when our kids do well, then we can't take all the responsibility when they fail. Adolescents make their own decisions, whether we like it or not. When they are acting out, as your son and mine have, then it's time for them to move on and accept the consequences for their decisions. If it means they sleep in their car, they sleep in their car.

If I could change one thing in my parenting it would be that I would have straightened myself up about 8 years ago and drew a line in the sand. Sadly, I didn't do that and instead allowed DS23 to control my life. Codependence. But I'm changing that slowly and steadily. I hope you will too.

 

[PatsGirl]

I know first hand that it makes it all the more difficult when immediate family members are not supportive. My mother was appalled too with DS moving out and even worse, it was my sister who took him in after we had spent many months prior to the big blow out talking about how that would just prolong the issues. Regardless, she did take him in and now their once great relationship is very rocky (even more so than ours at this point). Hang in there Mom, it does get better and you are doing this as much for him as for yourself