Help me come up with a good punishment for my 17 yr kid (no joke)

[ols386]

That would be more of a punishment fo you than him though.

My DD would have to do something extremely awful, irresponsible, etc in order fo rme to take away her car. It's too much of a convenience FOR ME for her to have her own car. I'm not going to punish myself by having to drive her to school and back and to work and back. My chaufering days are over and I have no plans on going back.

Now, what would I do in OP's shoes? Not sure really but I know it won't be 99% of the stuff posted on here.

You're probably right about that, but he would have hated it so much, if I drove him back and forth for a month. I think I could be inconvenienced for a month, but it also probably depends on the circumstances of each individual.

 

[mom2rtk]

I meant the rule about being at the house with no parents. Believe it or not, there are parents that don't have that rule (not me, but some do).

The kid is going to done with high school in a few weeks and going away to college in the fall (per the OP). Seniors skipping one day of school isn't a big deal. I did it. We even had a school sanctioned senior skip day.

But given that it was during school hours, it seems there were plenty of rules broken. Take your pick. Any kid claiming they didn't know that was breaking a rule is yanking your chain.

 

[mom2rtk]

That would be more of a punishment fo you than him though.

My DD would have to do something extremely awful, irresponsible, etc in order fo rme to take away her car. It's too much of a convenience FOR ME for her to have her own car. I'm not going to punish myself by having to drive her to school and back and to work and back. My chaufering days are over and I have no plans on going back.

Now, what would I do in OP's shoes? Not sure really but I know it won't be 99% of the stuff posted on here.

But sometimes being a parent involves lots of inconvenience.

 

[LisaR]

OP'er, remember that the time he took your car without permission and wrapped it around a tree is in the past. I get that you are still ticked at him. I don't blame you. But he has been punished for that.

In this case, he skipped school and brought his GF home to an empty house. Those are the things he is in trouble for. If he hadn't ruined the car last year, would skipping one day of school been a huge deal to you? I'm guessing it wouldn't have been. What I'm hearing from you is, "He skipped school once buttttt......last year he wrapped the car around a tree." The two don't go hand in hand. If you want to punish him for skipping, that is your prerogative as the parent but this isn't about the car, it is about the skipping.

I don't blame you for being mad about the GF. I am a parent that has raised my kids with the belief that premarital sex isn't a bad thing. However, that doesn't mean I will supply the "love den." They can figure out how to make it work in a car or other small places like the hundreds of thousands of teens before them! Again, if you want to punish him for this, that is your prerogative. But don't lose sight of what you are punishing him for. This has nothing to do with his car accident from last year.

 

[wvjules]

But sometimes being a parent involves lots of inconvenience.

Ok but I'm still not going to drive her to and from work anymore.

 

[LisaR]

Like I said in a PP - he skipped school so what? It wasn't a senior skip day though. It was a random day and it wasn't the whole day it was 1/2 the day. For the first half of the day he goes to his regular high school and the second half of the day is at a Voc Ed school where he takes a different class. I am not so angry about the skip day. Whatever. I did it like I said before.

I don't drive him around on his dates. That would be laughable. They don't really go on dates becuase the boy isn't working. No jobs in Michigan for teens let alone misplaced adult workers. She drives and her parents foot the bill for her gas and spending money so if they go anywhere she takes them. Rarely do they go anywhere besides my house anyway.

My son has privledges but he is a homebody and just doesn't go anywhere. He has his own car but it needs some repairs and until he is motivated to make them the car is undriveable. He has the cash to fix the car if he wanted to - see where I am going with this? Unmotivated. Gets driven around by girlfriend and is ok with that.

I am upset by his choices. They aren't good and I want him to realize that in order to achieve what you want you have to make good decisions. Yes, everyone makes bad ones. I do too but I want him to understand that you can't keep doing it at some point you have to want to make the right ones.

YOU! That is the key word in that sentence. He needs to want to make those good decisions. You can't force him to do the right thing. He is old enough to take responsibility. All you can do is lay the ground work and if he isn't ready to be responsible, the only thing you can do is not cater to him. If his GF wants to drive him around, so be it. She will get tired of him eventually. If he doesn't want to fix up his own car, oh well! When his GF dumps him and he wants to go somewhere, too bad. He'll get there but he has to want it himself.

 

[Hannathy]

Considering how over the top some of the punishments are for the first transgression like this what on earth would some people suggest if the man (and at 17 he is a man) does it a second time shoot him?

I know! Wow I can't get over some of these suggestions, Geeze.

No wonder so many kids go wild at college and have no idea how to self monitor themselves when they have been kept on such a short leash.

I also agree I would be very unhappy with the younger son. Unless it is super important/dangerous I don't tolerate tattling and I would do nothing based on his tattling.

 

[herdtoDisney]

Considering how over the top some of the punishments are for the first transgression like this what on earth would some people suggest if the man (and at 17 he is a man) does it a second time shoot him?

When that 17 yo MAN pays the mortgage, then he can bring whomever over whenever he wants. Until then...

 

[ols386]

Considering how over the top some of the punishments are for the first transgression like this what on earth would some people suggest if the man (and at 17 he is a man) does it a second time shoot him?

I don't think a 17 year old is a man. A lot of 17 year olds (boys and girls both) are extremely immature.

If my 17 year old skips school, I'm not just going to ignore it. He knew he was not supposed to skip, and he did anyway.

So you think some of the suggestions are over the top, but you suggest shoot him?

 

[mousefanmichelle]

YOU! That is the key word in that sentence. He needs to want to make those good decisions. You can't force him to do the right thing. He is old enough to take responsibility. All you can do is lay the ground work and if he isn't ready to be responsible, the only thing you can do is not cater to him. If his GF wants to drive him around, so be it. She will get tired of him eventually. If he doesn't want to fix up his own car, oh well! When his GF dumps him and he wants to go somewhere, too bad. He'll get there but he has to want it himself.

Good points LisaR. I like what your saying. I am mad about the car and that was dealt with when that happened in 2010. I can't keep bringing it up. I have to move on.

I am still mad about them being at my house - but he is going to do what he is going to do whether it's in her truck, his broken car, the woods or whatnot. I am not dumb enough to think I can stop it. I just don't want it in my house.

To those that said 17 is a man/woman - I have to disagree. I am not even sure I think 18 yrs old makes someone a man/woman. It is defined by maturity level. My kid is a kid - not an adult and no way could he make adult decisions especially given his history. He just isn't mature enough in my eyes.

I know what I am not going to do and that is follow him around at school . My, Cindy Brady, 15 yr old son knew I was mad at him for ratting out his older brother because of his motives and how he got the information. He did it to be mean and he took his brothers phone and read the texts. Not the right thing to do in my book. I am also not going to go over to the girls parents house, who are just going through a divorce, to rat her out. That is her responsiblity. I will talk to them both about my rule which is no sex under my roof. I have no problem embarassing them about that.

 

[PaulaSB12]

When that 17 yo MAN pays the mortgage, then he can bring whomever over whenever he wants. Until then...

In many places people rent rather than buy so by your standards they are not men either|? It is past time to keep calling 17 year a boy and babying them he is a man who mad a daft mistake he didn't murder anyone or commit a major crime he skipped half a school day to hang round with a girlfriend. If this is how children are being treated I can see a lot of lonely parents as their children leave the house and never go back ever.

 

[ols386]

In many places people rent rather than buy so by your standards they are not men either|? It is past time to keep calling 17 year a boy and babying them he is a man who mad a daft mistake he didn't murder anyone or commit a major crime he skipped half a school day to hang round with a girlfriend. If this is how children are being treated I can see a lot of lonely parents as their children leave the house and never go back ever.

Your analysis doesn't make sense. Rent/mortgage, they are both a payment that have to be made on a monthly basis when one lives in an apartment or house. I think the point was that when the 17 year old is paying for his own home, whether it's an apartment or house, then he can live by his own rules.

No one said he murdered anyone or committed a major crime. Why do you keep saying things that are over the top?

Punishing a 17 year old for skipping school, when he wasn't supposed to be skipping, is not babying him, it's trying to teach him that he has to be accountable for his actions.

My kids are grown, and I can guarantee that I've not been lonely since they are grown and on their own.

 

[Hannathy]

It is defined by maturity level. My kid is a kid - not an adult and no way could he make adult decisions especially given his history. He just isn't mature enough in my eyes.

My, Cindy Brady, 15 yr old son knew I was mad at him for ratting out his older brother because of his motives and how he got the information. He did it to be mean and he took his brothers phone and read the texts. Not the right thing to do in my book. .

Two things as long as you view him as a child he will act like one. You have to treat him as an adult if you want him to behave as one. Tell him he is the only one he is hurting at this point if he skips school and misses something. He is the one who has to live with the consequences not you. And next year no one will care if he goes to class or not so he better figure that out now that he is only hurting himself.

Second WOW just wow he read his brothers phone!!! Now that is the kid I would kill! He would be sorry he was ever born if mine did that. That is wrong on so many levels. There is the child that not only is immature but has a real mean streak in them. I wouldn't leave the boys alone anytime soon cause I know what my sister would have done to me if I had done that,(of course I think he deserves being killed by his brother so I just may go away for a while)

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

I have two teen daughters. If they don't show up for school and aren't called in by a parent, then we get a phone call. They can't leave early without our permission. I guess that puts the kibosh on skipping without your parents knowing.

This is the kind of school I attended as well. When the first bell rang and the school day officially began, that place was locked up like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory - nobody ever came in and nobody ever came out. I couldn't have skipped school if I wanted to.

 

[herdtoDisney]

In many places people rent rather than buy so by your standards they are not men either|? .

Wow...quite a leap there! I'm quite aware that people rent-as I did so myself until a couple years ago. I'm certain that nearly everybody who read what I wrote, realized that I was reffering to who pays for the 17yo's home-which is NOT the 17 yo man.

 

[ccgirl]

Well, I can tell you what I did in a similar circumstance. When my son cut school in high school, I told him that since he could not be trusted to go to school and come home on his own (he drove ) I would have to accompany him to school, and I did. Took the day off from work, went to school with him and sat outside every class. The humiliation of having "mommy" spend the day with him taught him a very valuable lesson.

I had told him that I would do this if he ever cut school, I don't think he believed me. He is now a college junior and an engineering major.

Brilliant! I am keeping this one in my memory in case I ever have to use it. I would also add the suggestion to apologize to the girlfriend's parents for being disrespectful.

 

[cornflake]

I never once had to write a 20 page paper in college. And I have an English degree.

I had to write 20-page papers in h.s. and that and longer in college - and I *don't* have an English degree.

My son has privledges but he is a homebody and just doesn't go anywhere. He has his own car but it needs some repairs and until he is motivated to make them the car is undriveable. He has the cash to fix the car if he wanted to - see where I am going with this? Unmotivated. Gets driven around by girlfriend and is ok with that.

Why wouldn't he be ok with the gf driving? She has a working car and free gas - he has to pay to fix his car and presumably for gas. Seems logical for her to drive them.

My, Cindy Brady, 15 yr old son knew I was mad at him for ratting out his older brother because of his motives and how he got the information. He did it to be mean and he took his brothers phone and read the texts. Not the right thing to do in my book.

I would lock that kid in a closet until he's 21. Not only would I not punish the other one just based on that, almost no matter what he did, that kid would be in trouble until the cows came home. What the....

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I would lock that kid in a closet until he's 21. Not only would I not punish the other one just based on that, almost no matter what he did, that kid would be in trouble until the cows came home. What the....

Seriously? Older brother gets off scot-free & younger one gets the torture chamber? Come on. Seems like what the older one did was at least as bad as what the younger one did. And the older one - by virtue of BEING older - is 2 years deeper into "outta know better".

 

[cornflake]

The younger one took his brother's phone w/o permission, violated his privacy by reading his texts, then tattled - all in order to get him in trouble. That is one ugly ball of spite.

The older one cut a half day to hang out with his gf.

Did Cindy Brady teach us nothing? Tattling, unless there's a seriously dangerous situation afoot, is not to be rewarded. That level of spying, phone stealing, etc., to get someone else in trouble for sport, I would certainly not reward - hence the tattler would be the one in dire trouble.

To me, that kind of underhanded nastiness is way more serious than what the older one did.

 

[ilovetexas]

Well, this went off the rails FAST!! Since the OP said this is about the behavior that occurred in her home, not the skipping school part, I'll just put in my $ 0.02.

My parents always told me that as long as I lived under their roof, I would abide by their rules. Period. Didn't matter if I was 17 or 31, it was their house and I would do as they required. I did not live under their roof at the age of 31, but I can assure you that when I go home to visit my mother (dad passed several years ago), I still behave in a manner consistent with her "rules". My father did not drink, ever, and I asked for permission to drink in his home. He didn't care since I was over 21 but I had enough respect for him that I didn't assume it would be okay to just crack open a beer since I was of legal drinking age.

This is about teaching people respect. And boundaries. And consequences. So many kids these days seem to be missing out on those lessons. We've started living in a world that seems to think that "everyone is a winner" and "you're great just the way you are". That's not true and we all know it; we're doing our children a disservice if we don't expect as much as they are capable of.

OP-I would remove the bedroom door and call the girls' parents. I have a 15 year old daughter and I would absolutely want to know if she had been at a boy's house all day with no parental supervision. The removal of the bedroom door (notice I said "the" not "his") signals that it is YOUR house and you can do as you please. He can't.