Help me come up with a good punishment for my 17 yr kid (no joke)

[AKL_Megs]

Am I the only one who would almost be more concerned with my other son, who was the narc? Cindy Brady much?

 

[SaraJayne]

I disagree. She was involved also. If she knew the rule her boyfriend's parents had and knew it was against their rules for her to be in the house, then it is disrespectful of her to be there, and it was wrong.

You're assuming she knew. Even so, I still don't think it is the boy's parents place to call her parents. If they want to discuss it, they can discuss it with her.

I honestly fear for the future of this country and the people my children will have to deal with as they grow into adults.

 

[SaraJayne]

I think I'd tell. I'd tell to protect my child. Also, I'd want to know my child was skipping school, not so much that she was in their house alone. Also, parents of children who are dating need to stick together. I plan to get to know every family my son is dating. They'll be getting a pizza or cookout invite.

Good luck with that!

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, I can tell you what I did in a similar circumstance. When my son cut school in high school, I told him that since he could not be trusted to go to school and come home on his own (he drove ) I would have to accompany him to school, and I did. Took the day off from work, went to school with him and sat outside every class. The humiliation of having "mommy" spend the day with him taught him a very valuable lesson.

I had told him that I would do this if he ever cut school, I don't think he believed me. He is now a college junior and an engineering major.

Am I safe to assume that you were wearing your bathrobe and had your hair in curlers???

If you're going to humiliate, then HUMILIATE baby!!!!!!

 

[TLSnell1981]

Are you punishing him for skipping school to have sex in your house or for being lazy and unmotivated and a halfasser? It's not very clear. I'm not sure of the lesson you are trying to teach.

I'm confused as well. OP, do you want to punish your son or use this as a teaching moment?

Count me as another one who doesn't think punishment is the way to go here. Have a long talk, re-establish house rules and tell him you're trusting him to abide by them from now on.

He's 17.. sounds like he needs, the responsibility of a young man, who's almost legal age. He doesn't have driving privileges, unless he's running an errand? So, I guess, he doesn't have a job or make his own money? How does he go on dates? Maybe, he's "lazy" and "unmotivated" because there are no incentives?

I'm sure, you've already had the birds and bees talk..he knows, where babies come from and how to prevent them? Little brother is a"rat", so I guess, they'll pick a new place to "hang out"...

He's going to make mistakes. You can punish him, humiliate him and/or lock him up and throw away the key, but in one year...those options will be gone. At 17, his values have been instilled, a punishment won't change them.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Ok I have read each and every response - some I had wished there was a like button for, some that gave me a good laugh, some I shook my head at and then there were the ones where I was wondering WTH?*

I don't know what I was trying to say when I posted this today. I guess I was hoping to get some clarity in my head what it was I really wanted. He is too old to punish although he is going to be doing some serious yard work this next week and I think cleaning the garage is also on that list along with various other things just to keep him busy.

He skipped. So what. I skipped a lot. I don't think I am mad about his skipping. He had his gf here. Alone. I am upset by what that could mean because I am not ready for him to have sex and for sure not in my house. Am I stupid to think it won't or hasn't happened- no. For the record though and I am just sayin...yuck!

My son, God love him, is a good kid. He just doesn't always think things through. I know what your thinking what kid does? At 17 nearly 18 and going to college in the fall I expect him to make better choices. If this were just the 1 and only thing the boy did then I would be laughing at myself for posting this but there is more. So much more.

At 16, by a month, he took his fathers car without permission and without his drivers license and went joy riding down our dirt road. Had a passenger, his buddy. He lost control on the loose gravel and hit an oak tree doing 55mph. The car was totalled and we were lucky enough that he and his unseatbelted friend walked away. Because my son didn't have his drivers license, only his learners permit, he wasn't legal to drive the car and the insurance company wouldn't pay to fix or replace the car that we still had a loan out on and was our 2nd car. So not only did we lose our 2nd car, we still had to pay on our loan because we couldn't afford to just pay off the loan but we also had to keep insurance on a car that we had a loan on. Now we had to get another car that put a bigger financial strain on the family. We need to have 2 cars. We were screwed like a lot. After that I guess I thought he would make better decisons. Guess not.

Maybe I am expecting more than I should - I mean he's just a kid right? IDK. Kids do dumb things and maybe I should just have a heart to heart with him and tell him what I expect, again, just so we are clear.

 

[DeaverTex]

I think that the young man has committed two offenses, both of which involve making a bad decision. One is skipping school, and I don't give a rat's patoot whether he's a senior, a freshman, or in pre-K. It's just not something you do. Period. End of statement. No excuses. End of the semester? So what?

The other is having his GF over without a parent at home. A house rule is a house rule, and he IS still a minor living at home. If they're sensible kids, they either didn't do anything "adult", or they took appropriate precautions. If they're not sensible, well then, I hope they have names picked out 'cause that's how babies happen.

Yes, I'd call the girl's parents just to let them know where she had been that day, in case the school noticed her absence and took action. (They do that, you know. Maybe not in your area, but they sure do around here.) That's all I'd do about the girl, and I certainly wouldn't forbid him to see her. That would be a waste of time.

As far as corrective action for your son, social violations (having a girl in the house in unacceptable circumstances) call for social corrective actions. A grounding seems appropriate if you can enforce it, but I agree that the end of your senior year is a lousy time to be grounded so disallowing ANY house guests for the rest of the semester would work.

For skipping school, you may decide that "everybody does it" and let it go. I wouldn't, because I don't care what "everybody" is doing, but YMMV. I'd consider making a daily call to the school, asking if he had been in all his classes that day. It's a reasonable action and it would have sufficient sting to make a point.

 

[mhsjax]

As a parent to both a teen son with a girlfriend and a daughter, if I had a parent call me and tattle on their child, I'd say "ok, sounds like something you need to work out with your child, not me."

This should be between the parents and their son. There is no need to involve the girls parents.

I have both a teenage boy and girl, and I am the complete opposite. I 100% would want to know that my DD or DS did this with his or her boyfriend or girlfriend, if it involved skipping school and spending the day together.

 

[deegack]

I'm a bit shocked at the, ehh its ok to skip school and you had the birds and the bees talk, from some posters. The son's "job" at this point is to go to school. Yeah, I did senior skip day, but my mother knew and was ok with it because I had perfect attendance that year and straight As and no tests scheduled that week. I actually only skipped half a day because I had a volleyball game that day and had to be in class 3 periods in order to play. Randomly skipping a day to go home and make out with your girlfriend (because lets not kid ourselves about what happened there) is not ok in my book.
How many thousands of teenagers and college students think they know about birth control and end up pregnant? So yes, as the parent of a, albeit, young daughter I would want to know if my daughter was involved in something like this. Why, because I would be marching her butt to the doctor and have a serious sit down about teen pregnancy and the ramifications to your life. And then she would write her essay
Oh and why did I suggest an essay, not to be punitive, but it forces the son to do research, to learn some facts, to maybe absorb some of it and then he may think twice about sex or skipping school. Also if he goes to college, he's going to have to write 20 page footnoted papers often, so he might as well get some practice.

 

[cornflake]

I'm a bit shocked at the, ehh its ok to skip school and you had the birds and the bees talk, from some posters. The son's "job" at this point is to go to school. Yeah, I did senior skip day, but my mother knew and was ok with it because I had perfect attendance that year and straight As and no tests scheduled that week. I actually only skipped half a day because I had a volleyball game that day and had to be in class 3 periods in order to play. Randomly skipping a day to go home and make out with your girlfriend (because lets not kid ourselves about what happened there) is not ok in my book.
How many thousands of teenagers and college students think they know about birth control and end up pregnant? So yes, as the parent of a, albeit, young daughter I would want to know if my daughter was involved in something like this. Why, because I would be marching her butt to the doctor and have a serious sit down about teen pregnancy and the ramifications to your life. And then she would write her essay
Oh and why did I suggest an essay, not to be punitive, but it forces the son to do research, to learn some facts, to maybe absorb some of it and then he may think twice about sex or skipping school. Also if he goes to college, he's going to have to write 20 page footnoted papers often, so he might as well get some practice.

The bolded kind of cracked me up - let's not kid ourselves and he's going home to "make out with" his gf?

As for the other... he may think twice about sex? Assuming (though who knows, maybe they cut and went to his house to play video games ) they're sexually active, he's nearly 18 and she's not far behind. I don't think a paper about the ramifications of pregnancy are going to make them go celibate.

Hopefully, they know about birth control and STD prevention. If they don't, that's certainly a conversation to have but it's not as if pregnancy is a general consequence - there exist many types of birth control - or as if kids don't think they're impervious even if they do know facts.

As for the cutting generating a shrug among many - the OP didn't say he was an habitual truant or was flunking out or anything, just that he cut to, apparently, get it on with his gf. Which, given there's like a month left of his sr. yeah... He's already accepted into a college if he's going.

I think for many posters it's less that it's fine to cut and more that in a few months he'll be in college, with no one checking up on him and whether he goes to class, sleeps in, cuts class to go do whatever, etc.

Hence it seems a bit silly to make a deal over it - in the 'if he hasn't learned by now that there may be consequences and he'd best weigh them, punishing him now isn't going to drive it home,' way.

Am I the only one who would almost be more concerned with my other son, who was the narc? Cindy Brady much?

You're not. I mentioned that in my first post - I'd have come down on the little tattletale. Barring a dangerous situation, mind your own beeswax.

 

[Swan4Me]

I was smiling while I read your perfect description of a teen aged boy
. I've actually bribed some of my son's friends with money to get good grades. It's worked every time. Last year, his best friend brought his grade point up to a 3.2 from a 2.5 for $100. He's still carrying a 3.2 and wanted to know if I'd pay him for straight A's this last quarter. I told him yeah-come to me with straight A's and I'll pay you.

.

I never knew my kids friends grades?

so odd-to pay other kids for grades

 

[duffy]

I've actually bribed some of my son's friends with money to get good grades. It's worked every time. Last year, his best friend brought his grade point up to a 3.2 from a 2.5 for $100. He's still carrying a 3.2 and wanted to know if I'd pay him for straight A's this last quarter. I told him yeah-come to me with straight A's and I'll pay you.

I never knew my kids friends grades?

so odd-to pay other kids for grades

I have a vague idea of my daughter's friends' grades. Because they're in her classes and she's a nut about getting good grades, I guess they must be too?

But I also find it "odd"-actually, creepy!-that an adult is paying her child's friends to have good grades.

If I found out that my daughter is only getting good grades because Mrs. X was paying her, I'd be on the phone with her to tell her to mind her own darned business IMMEDIATELY. Every penny would go back to Mrs. X. My daughters have never received one dime from us for good grades.

So now we know, that those 6 or 7 kids hanging out in shortbun's home every weekend, and detailing cars with loud music, are PAID by her to be A students!!

Do their parents KNOW that you pay them?

 

[SaraJayne]

I'm a bit shocked at the, ehh its ok to skip school and you had the birds and the bees talk, from some posters. The son's "job" at this point is to go to school. Yeah, I did senior skip day, but my mother knew and was ok with it because I had perfect attendance that year and straight As and no tests scheduled that week. I actually only skipped half a day because I had a volleyball game that day and had to be in class 3 periods in order to play. Randomly skipping a day to go home and make out with your girlfriend (because lets not kid ourselves about what happened there) is not ok in my book.
How many thousands of teenagers and college students think they know about birth control and end up pregnant? So yes, as the parent of a, albeit, young daughter I would want to know if my daughter was involved in something like this. Why, because I would be marching her butt to the doctor and have a serious sit down about teen pregnancy and the ramifications to your life. And then she would write her essay
Oh and why did I suggest an essay, not to be punitive, but it forces the son to do research, to learn some facts, to maybe absorb some of it and then he may think twice about sex or skipping school. Also if he goes to college, he's going to have to write 20 page footnoted papers often, so he might as well get some practice.

I never once had to write a 20 page paper in college. And I have an English degree.

 

[SaraJayne]

I have a vague idea of my daughter's friends' grades. Because they're in her classes and she's a nut about getting good grades, I guess they must be too?

But I also find it "odd"-actually, creepy!-that an adult is paying her child's friends to have good grades.

If I found out that my daughter is only getting good grades because Mrs. X was paying her, I'd be on the phone with her to tell her to mind her own darned business IMMEDIATELY. Every penny would go back to Mrs. X. My daughters have never received one dime from us for good grades.

So now we know, that those 6 or 7 kids hanging out in shortbun's home every weekend, and detailing cars with loud music, are PAID by her to be A students!!

Do their parents KNOW that you pay them?

Yup. It's my job to bribe my kids.

 

[mdsoccermom]

I have a vague idea of my daughter's friends' grades. Because they're in her classes and she's a nut about getting good grades, I guess they must be too?

But I also find it "odd"-actually, creepy!-that an adult is paying her child's friends to have good grades.

If I found out that my daughter is only getting good grades because Mrs. X was paying her, I'd be on the phone with her to tell her to mind her own darned business IMMEDIATELY. Every penny would go back to Mrs. X. My daughters have never received one dime from us for good grades.

So now we know, that those 6 or 7 kids hanging out in shortbun's home every weekend, and detailing cars with loud music, are PAID by her to be A students!!

Do their parents KNOW that you pay them?

I would be so utterly pissed if I found out a parent was paying my child for good grades. I would be pissed at the parent for sticking her nose where it didn't belong, and I would be pissed for my kid at taking the money.

I don't know the grades of my kids' friends, and frankly, I have little interest in knowing. My job is to raise my children, and I leave the parenting of their friends to their parents.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

OP, this may sound mean but it sounds like your son doesn't feel like obeying common sense rules. I'm sure you did the best you can do and in no way is he a felon but his actions make him come across as smug and a bit immature/frat boy like. I think you need to have a conversation, if nothing else with him about what you expect him to do in college. Otherwise he may get swayed by the fun and end up dropping out and having a large amount of debt and nothing to show for it.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I'm a bit shocked at the, ehh its ok to skip school and you had the birds and the bees talk, from some posters. The son's "job" at this point is to go to school. Yeah, I did senior skip day, but my mother knew and was ok with it because I had perfect attendance that year and straight As and no tests scheduled that week. I actually only skipped half a day because I had a volleyball game that day and had to be in class 3 periods in order to play. Randomly skipping a day to go home and make out with your girlfriend (because lets not kid ourselves about what happened there) is not ok in my book.

Agreed. And mid-April is a bit early for "Senior Skip Day"

 

[Gumbo4x4]

You're not. I mentioned that in my first post - I'd have come down on the little tattletale. Barring a dangerous situation, mind your own beeswax.

Maybe OP should be more concerned that big brother isn't clever enough to fool even his little brother

 

[goofyintoronto]

Well, I can tell you what I did in a similar circumstance. When my son cut school in high school, I told him that since he could not be trusted to go to school and come home on his own (he drove ) I would have to accompany him to school, and I did. Took the day off from work, went to school with him and sat outside every class. The humiliation of having "mommy" spend the day with him taught him a very valuable lesson.

I had told him that I would do this if he ever cut school, I don't think he believed me. He is now a college junior and an engineering major.

OMG hahahahahahaha Holy cow thats hysterical! I love it! LMAO!!!

 

[deegack]

I never once had to write a 20 page paper in college. And I have an English degree.

That's kind of a sad commentary on our education system. I wrote multiple long papers each semester (20+pages) as an environmental studies major with a concentration in public policy. In law school i think every upper level course had at least one long paper (30+ pages at this point) When I taught I assigned long papers each semester. It's a valuable learning tool.
Any way back to the topic at hand.