Help me come up with a good punishment for my 17 yr kid (no joke)

[SaraJayne]

That's kind of a sad commentary on our education system. I wrote multiple long papers each semester (20+pages) as an environmental studies major with a concentration in public policy. In law school i think every upper level course had at least one long paper (30+ pages at this point) When I taught I assigned long papers each semester. It's a valuable learning tool.
Any way back to the topic at hand.

Our education system 20 years ago.

But since I didn't go to law school, that's where I went wrong.

 

[penn19]

I would be so utterly pissed if I found out a parent was paying my child for good grades. I would be pissed at the parent for sticking her nose where it didn't belong, and I would be pissed for my kid at taking the money.

I don't know the grades of my kids' friends, and frankly, I have little interest in knowing. My job is to raise my children, and I leave the parenting of their friends to their parents.

This was my thought also. I recently started paying my kids for grades, which I know is a whole "nother topic, but it is what WE do in my family. But yes, I would be beyond pissed if another parent was paying my kid for grades. It is really not their place.

 

[deegack]

Our education system 20 years ago.

But since I didn't go to law school, that's where I went wrong.

Did I say you went wrong by not going to law school? Please don't put words in my mouth. I also have an MA in higher education where I also wrote multiple long papers but I didnt want to belabor my point. I still find it sad that an English major never wrote a long paper. I don't understand how you can adequately analyze a novel or poetry in less than that. I also went to college about twenty years ago so I don't see it as generational although more colleges are requiring long papers to teach students how to research and analyze what they find. The Wikipedia generation has seemingly lost those abilities.

 

[wvjules]

I've actually bribed some of my son's friends with money to get good grades. It's worked every time. Last year, his best friend brought his grade point up to a 3.2 from a 2.5 for $100. He's still carrying a 3.2 and wanted to know if I'd pay him for straight A's this last quarter. I told him yeah-come to me with straight A's and I'll pay you.

Strange, I was under the impression (from another thread of yours) that all of your son's friends were straight A students. Is that not the case?

 

[okeydokey]

I would be so utterly pissed if I found out a parent was paying my child for good grades. I would be pissed at the parent for sticking her nose where it didn't belong, and I would be pissed for my kid at taking the money.

I don't know the grades of my kids' friends, and frankly, I have little interest in knowing. My job is to raise my children, and I leave the parenting of their friends to their parents.

I so agree. How presumptuous to do this for someone else's kids. We don't pay for grades and if one of my kids' friend's Moms did, I would be furious.

 

[okeydokey]

You're assuming she knew. Even so, I still don't think it is the boy's parents place to call her parents. If they want to discuss it, they can discuss it with her.

I honestly fear for the future of this country and the people my children will have to deal with as they grow into adults.

And I fear for the future when kids are being raised with parents that tell them it's OK to break the rules at other people's houses and it is no big deal.

 

[SaraJayne]

And I fear for the future when kids are being raised with parents that tell them it's OK to break the rules at other people's houses and it is no big deal.

Like I said, you're assuming the girl knew about the rule. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

 

[snapppyd]

.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I still find it sad that an English major never wrote a long paper. I don't understand how you can adequately analyze a novel or poetry in less than that. I also went to college about twenty years ago so I don't see it as generational although more colleges are requiring long papers to teach students how to research and analyze what they find. The Wikipedia generation has seemingly lost those abilities.

Most of my professors (Composition in particular) were great proponents of brevity. As one put it, cut out the crap and just give me the meat. Kind of like the scene in A River Runs Through it where the kid gives a paper to his dad. Dad tells him to halve it, he does, Dad tells him to halve it again, and he does, and then he's instructed to throw it away.

 

[BruteForce]

WOW!

Some of these "punishments" are quite overboard for the situation(s) at hand especially because we lack a lot of information.


Issue #1:
- 17 Years Old
- High school senior
- Laze and Unmotivated
- Skipped School

Are people really surprised at this? I graduated high school in 2004, skipping, especially as a senior, was not uncommon. I skipped a handful of days my senior year, graduated with good grades, have two college degrees, and got a respectful career after college.My fiance, who I started dating my senior year in high school, graduated in the top of her class in high school, the top 5 at a well known Boston School, and now has an amazing career working at a Boston Hospital. SHE skipped school during her senior skip day. This is not an uncommon practice. Teachers at both my and my fiance's high school (different schools) PLANNED around senior skip day (no tests, assignments due etc). I know, GOD FORBID this happens, public school systems are horrible yada-yada.

I can't count how many times I was told I was "lazy" and "unmotivated" during my childhood. Its true, I admit it. I did the bare minimum needed, at the last minute possible. I've been punished, reprimanded, grounded, written papers, had my most loved items taken from me etc... you name it, my parents tried it. Did this motivate or stop me from being lazy... NO! What stopped me was when I realized it was in my best interest to change. That I was doing it for myself, and no one else, because I wanted to.



Issue #2:
- Skipped School
- At home alone w/ gf

Been there, done that. He's 17 years old, at this age, hes going to make the decisions he makes regardless of the potential consequences from mom. The only lesson he learned from this was not to trust his little brother. I assure you he's going to sneak off somewhere else with her, unsupervised and you'll never know, understand this. A punishment at this stage in his life will simply deteriorate your relationship with your son; he's going to choose "love" over you. You're responsibility is to be there when "love sucks" and to let him know it will be alright when she dumps him, that there are other fish in the sea. Now if you haven't (hopefully you have) make sure you have the "talk".



Issue #3:
- Doesn't have own car
- Uses family car when THEY need something done

Given we don't know your family and your son, you need to ask yourself what privileges your son DOES have. With what little information we have it sounds like you're still treating him like a young child.

- How does he go on dates?
- Does he have any time where he can be with just his gf? (movies, bowling, etc)
- Say he want's to go to the movies with his gf, do you drive them?! REALLY?

- Does he have a job?
- How does he earn money if not? (an allowance!?!?)
- Where is his responsibility? His independence?

TLDR;
He's 17, sit back, let auto-pilot take over, and be his crutch when he falls down.

 

[SaraJayne]

I still find it sad that an English major never wrote a long paper. I don't understand how you can adequately analyze a novel or poetry in less than that. I also went to college about twenty years ago so I don't see it as generational although more colleges are requiring long papers to teach students how to research and analyze what they find. The Wikipedia generation has seemingly lost those abilities.

I said I never wrote a 20 page paper, not a long one. Fifteen pages is plenty long enough.

 

[Arielle22]

I have two teen daughters. If they don't show up for school and aren't called in by a parent, then we get a phone call. They can't leave early without our permission. I guess that puts the kibosh on skipping without your parents knowing.

I would be royally peeved at my daughters if they brought a boy into our home while we are not at home. It isn't allowed and they know it. We also have rules for when we are home and where the kids can be and what they can be doing.

I also wouldn't be upset that one daughter told on the other.I can't believe the posters who are saying the other son ratted out his brother. If the brother wasn't going against house rules there would be nothing to tell so leave the blame on the older son where it belongs.

My daughters are 16 and 18. I like the idea a previous poster had of making the child text pictures from where they are at random intervals. I also use cleaning the house as punishment.

 

[mom2rtk]

Like I said, you're assuming the girl knew about the rule. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Surely you don't mean you're giving her the benefit of the doubt on the "It's not ok to skip school and spend the day at the boy's house" rule? Did I miss something?

 

[SaraJayne]

Surely you don't mean you're giving her the benefit of the doubt on the "It's not ok to skip school and spend the day at the boy's house" rule? Did I miss something?

I meant the rule about being at the house with no parents. Believe it or not, there are parents that don't have that rule (not me, but some do).

The kid is going to done with high school in a few weeks and going away to college in the fall (per the OP). Seniors skipping one day of school isn't a big deal. I did it. We even had a school sanctioned senior skip day.

 

[ols386]

I like the suggestion that was made earlier.

If my son skipped school and took the g/f back to my house (especially while I was not there), I think I'd have to drive him back and forth to school for maybe a month, because obviously he can't be trusted to get himself to and from school, on his own.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Considering how over the top some of the punishments are for the first transgression like this what on earth would some people suggest if the man (and at 17 he is a man) does it a second time shoot him?

 

[mousefanmichelle]

WOW!

Some of these "punishments" are quite overboard for the situation(s) at hand especially because we lack a lot of information.


Issue #1:
- 17 Years Old
- High school senior
- Laze and Unmotivated
- Skipped School

Are people really surprised at this? I graduated high school in 2004, skipping, especially as a senior, was not uncommon. I skipped a handful of days my senior year, graduated with good grades, have two college degrees, and got a respectful career after college.My fiance, who I started dating my senior year in high school, graduated in the top of her class in high school, the top 5 at a well known Boston School, and now has an amazing career working at a Boston Hospital. SHE skipped school during her senior skip day. This is not an uncommon practice. Teachers at both my and my fiance's high school (different schools) PLANNED around senior skip day (no tests, assignments due etc). I know, GOD FORBID this happens, public school systems are horrible yada-yada.

I can't count how many times I was told I was "lazy" and "unmotivated" during my childhood. Its true, I admit it. I did the bare minimum needed, at the last minute possible. I've been punished, reprimanded, grounded, written papers, had my most loved items taken from me etc... you name it, my parents tried it. Did this motivate or stop me from being lazy... NO! What stopped me was when I realized it was in my best interest to change. That I was doing it for myself, and no one else, because I wanted to.



Issue #2:
- Skipped School
- At home alone w/ gf

Been there, done that. He's 17 years old, at this age, hes going to make the decisions he makes regardless of the potential consequences from mom. The only lesson he learned from this was not to trust his little brother. I assure you he's going to sneak off somewhere else with her, unsupervised and you'll never know, understand this. A punishment at this stage in his life will simply deteriorate your relationship with your son; he's going to choose "love" over you. You're responsibility is to be there when "love sucks" and to let him know it will be alright when she dumps him, that there are other fish in the sea. Now if you haven't (hopefully you have) make sure you have the "talk".



Issue #3:
- Doesn't have own car
- Uses family car when THEY need something done

Given we don't know your family and your son, you need to ask yourself what privileges your son DOES have. With what little information we have it sounds like you're still treating him like a young child.

- How does he go on dates?
- Does he have any time where he can be with just his gf? (movies, bowling, etc)
- Say he want's to go to the movies with his gf, do you drive them?! REALLY?

- Does he have a job?
- How does he earn money if not? (an allowance!?!?)
- Where is his responsibility? His independence?

TLDR;
He's 17, sit back, let auto-pilot take over, and be his crutch when he falls down.

Like I said in a PP - he skipped school so what? It wasn't a senior skip day though. It was a random day and it wasn't the whole day it was 1/2 the day. For the first half of the day he goes to his regular high school and the second half of the day is at a Voc Ed school where he takes a different class. I am not so angry about the skip day. Whatever. I did it like I said before.

I don't drive him around on his dates. That would be laughable. They don't really go on dates becuase the boy isn't working. No jobs in Michigan for teens let alone misplaced adult workers. She drives and her parents foot the bill for her gas and spending money so if they go anywhere she takes them. Rarely do they go anywhere besides my house anyway.

My son has privledges but he is a homebody and just doesn't go anywhere. He has his own car but it needs some repairs and until he is motivated to make them the car is undriveable. He has the cash to fix the car if he wanted to - see where I am going with this? Unmotivated. Gets driven around by girlfriend and is ok with that.

I am upset by his choices. They aren't good and I want him to realize that in order to achieve what you want you have to make good decisions. Yes, everyone makes bad ones. I do too but I want him to understand that you can't keep doing it at some point you have to want to make the right ones.

 

[wvjules]

I like the suggestion that was made earlier.

If my son skipped school and took the g/f back to my house (especially while I was not there), I think I'd have to drive him back and forth to school for maybe a month, because obviously he can't be trusted to get himself to and from school, on his own.

That would be more of a punishment fo you than him though.

My DD would have to do something extremely awful, irresponsible, etc in order fo rme to take away her car. It's too much of a convenience FOR ME for her to have her own car. I'm not going to punish myself by having to drive her to school and back and to work and back. My chaufering days are over and I have no plans on going back.

Now, what would I do in OP's shoes? Not sure really but I know it won't be 99% of the stuff posted on here.

 

[ols386]

I meant the rule about being at the house with no parents. Believe it or not, there are parents that don't have that rule (not me, but some do).

The kid is going to done with high school in a few weeks and going away to college in the fall (per the OP). Seniors skipping one day of school isn't a big deal. I did it. We even had a school sanctioned senior skip day.

Senior "skip day" isn't the same as what the op described.

Her son went behind her back and skipped, and then brought his g/f to his house. That's not exactly being honest, and that would bother me.

 

[136368]

This may sound a little lame, but if he's into his video games, you could erase everything saved on his XBox or whatever...